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50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Six

Oh my God.  I officially hate sex scenes now.  And I’m no prude.  I mean, I’ve read the romance books – er, I’ve turned to the middle of the book and read the sex scenes.  Don’t look at me like that, so have you.  But sex is literally all these people do, at least when they’re not involved in some idiot afterthought plot device.  And it got old in the first book.

Anyway, I thought it was bad enough in Book One when we got the tampon scene.  Then in Book Two we got the ice cream as a douche scene.  But this . . . this one . . . just . . .  I don’t even.

Let’s answer the questions.  Actually all three have the same answer.  5A: Christian and Ana use a buttplug.  5B: The buttplug is Christian’s “gift” (thanks honey!) 5C: And then Ana obsesses about how to clean the butt sauce off of the buttplug.  Truly, this book deserves the Pulitzer Prize, people.

Now if he were just tied to the table, this award would be even better.

Chapter 6 starts with Christian and Ana heading for the playroom, and holy crap I wish this were Pee Wee’s playroom because anything would beat this shit. (FacePalm)  Also, we could all yell at the top of our lungs every time they say the secret word (the secret word is “fuck” kids).  Ana thinks about how Mrs. Jones has been cleaning in there again and oh how embarrassing (AnaFail) and I’m thinking that surely Mrs. Jones could find another job, any other job, that was better than this one.  I don’t care how much he pays her.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!  Don’t clean another buttplug!  They cannot take your Freee-dom!

Even Mel Gibson thinks this is messed up.

So then comes the Sex (Sexy Times, BoredNow, AlicePukes).  Ana gets down to her “lacy bra and panties” and Christian says “You’re a fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams).  Then he promptly sticks his face in her crotch (AlicePukes) and says “And you smell of me and sex” (AlicePukes, RedFlag)  Yuck.  We get it, Christian, you marked her with your pee two books ago.(RedFlag)  Shut up.  And get your face out of there.  You know where it’s been. (AlicePukes)

Ana reflects that he is so “naughty (AnaFail) which is her way of saying “creepy” I guess.  Christian orders her to turn away from him and says, shit, “We aim to please Mrs. Grey, and you wanted a surprise.” (AliceScreams, Red Flag).  Again with the royal we.  How many personalities does Christian have? (Red Flag)  I don’t want to know.

Ana lusts after “barefoot Christian” (AliceScreams) again.  WTF with the foot fetish, E.L.? (WTF)  He opens the drawer of sex toys and Ana thinks “Toys! Oh, I love, love, love this anticipation!” (AnaFail)  Yes, anticipation is right.  Like how one anticipates a root canal.  Also, I have a bad feeling this toy is not going to be a Barbie doll.   At least, God, I hope not.

No, don’t put Dr. Barbie there! She’s not that kind of doctor!

Now for the spankings! (RedFlag) Wheee!  Ana gets to lay across a table with instructions not to let go or breathe or anything unless she wants him to hit her, which she does, because she’s Ana (AnaFail, Red Flag).  We hear about her feeling “his erection pressing against his jeans” (AliceScreams) and I wonder whether he is ever not erect.  Surely people notice him walking along like a sundial all the time. (WTF)

Christian’s says “I see you’re very wet, Ana” (AliceScreams) and I wonder if she’s ever not wet.  She probably has to wear Depends all the time (WTF).  Then he shoves his fingers in her and says “Mine” (AliceScreams).  Yup, she’s all yours, Christian.  Try not to break her too fast, cause you’ll never find an animate inflatable doll like that again.(FacePalm)

And then, dun dun dun, he puts lube on her butt, and Ana thinks “Is he going to fuck my ass? (AnaFail, AlicePukes)  Ana talks about him lubricating her “there” (AliceScreams) and now we’ve got her calling her vagina and her butthole “there” which is going to get confusing.  She needs a “there pee-pee” and a “there go poop-poop”) so we can keep stuff straight.  Christian pulls out her present which is a buttplug! (FacePalm)  Remember guys, these make great stocking stuffers for that special lady in your life!

Merry Christmas!

Ana says “Oh, my” (AliceScreams) and “Holy Crap” (AliceScreams) and “Ah!” (AliceScreams) and has a detailed description of the buttplug swirlin’ around in her butt (AlicePukes) and Iwonder how far in the minus her grade will be this time.  We hear the “telltale sound of his zipper opening” (AliceScreams) because this has become her new code for “prepare for re-entry” because they’re married and married peoples don’t use condoms.  There’s more “Fuck!” and “Oh, baby” (AliceScreams) and Ana is spinning and falling into her orgams (AliceScreams) and finally the scene is freaking over.  THIS is what women are getting all hot over.  THIS.

They talk about being “thoroughly well fucked” (AliceScreams) and boy, they aren’t the only ones.  They take a bath together and Ana’s bobo stings, but only for a tiny bit cause she’s a snowflake, remember (FacePalm).  We get a way too long bit about Ana trying to sneakily clean the buttplug (BoredNow) and complaining that the housekeeper keeps wanting to help her – gee, I feel her pain. (AnaFail)  Christian doesn’t want her to go back to work, but she does, cause hey, she’s the Editor now, of course. (WTF)

It’s still not quite over yet.  She finds pictures Christian took of her – some while she was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth (I am not fucking kidding here) (AnaFail) and then several where she’s awake and right there with him and how the hell do you miss a picture taken of you from a huge camera like that when it’s only inches away from you?  Moron. (AnaFail)

They only thought Linus was weird.

And then Blah, blah she’s worried about Christian (BoredNow) and goes and crawls in his lap while he looks at the security tape and they see that it’s dun dun dun Jack Hyde who set the fire!  Zomg, I never would have guessed! (FacePalm)  Chapter End.  Thank God.

100 – (33*2)= 34 – ( 14 *10) 140 =  -106

I’m not sure if there’s a grade for that.  She could have not written anything, and come out six points ahead (and wouldn’t we have been grateful?)  But still, it needs a grade.  How about this?

That should do it.

(In Chapter 7, Alice goes on a hate rampage because OMG that chapter is even worse than this one how is that possible?  Anyway, that prompts this question:)

Question Six: Short Essay!

How much does the 50 Shades series suck in terms of book suckage?  Explain.