I made it. Through nausea inducing, irritating, exploding headachy, nasty, awful crap I trudged. And that was before I contracted Pneumonia. But I did not give up! Not even when Hugo the bald, creepy puppet man used his voodoo spells to curse me with eternal bad hair (I do not blame Hugo. He was no match for 50 Shades.) No, reader, I charged onward through this crappy book all because of
your stats you. You’re welcome.
It is hard to truly put into words what reading this book is like. I still think the best comparison is the speed bump. Imagine that the entire world is one big school zone. You can only drive 20 mph, must watch out for stray children and SUV driving moms on cellphones and every few feet you hit a speed bump. BUMP. E.L. James’s writing is filled with these speed bumps on every single page, heck, in almost every paragraph. You can be reading the drippy, boring prose but you’re still putting along until BUMP you hit something that makes you either a) roll your eyes b) laugh out loud at the idiocy c) whack your head against something d) curse James or, most often, e) all of the above.
There are so many examples of this. Every time Ana is jealous of anything female, even, I swear to sweet white baby Jesus, Christian’s helicopter, which he calls a “she”. BUMP. Every time Ana refers to Christian as God’s gift to women. BUMP. Every time a male lusts after Ana or a female lusts after Christian and the other one gets pissed about it. BUMP. Every time one of those wonderful, repetitive lines is uttered – “hard, thin line” (bump), “fair point, well made” (bump), “pants hanging that way” (bump), “down there”(bump), “Oh, my”(bump), “Jeez”(bump), “Come, Ana”(bump), and the millions of murmurs, mutters, and sighs (bump, bump, BUMP). I think my absolute favorite one has to be when Christian refers to himself as the royal “we” as in “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” (bumpity bump bump) Next thing you know, he’ll just start referring to himself in the third person, like Elmo, which makes sense considering he already acts like a two-year-old. “Ana Mine! Ana Mine!”
And the heart stopping plots! Crazy Leila with a gun! Crazy rapey Jack! Crazy Mrs. Robinson! Crazy helicopter go boom-boom! Crazy will they or won’t they have sex in the next two pages cliffhangers! Crazy house shopping and driving around aimlessly! Crazy wedding proposals after descriptions of lusting after crack-whore mom look-a-likes! Crazy pages of absolutely nothing happening but talk talk talk leading nowhere! Such excitement I nearly wet myself!
And just when you think you can’t take anymore, there are the EMAILS! BUMP!
But oddly enough, the thing that really makes my mind reel, starting in book two, is the abrupt change in point of view for only a few paragraphs. Twice. Just WTF, James? You decided to write in first person. There are limitations to that, as in, you only know what the main character is thinking, which is even more limiting if that character is a gold-fish brained bitch like Ana. But still, you made your bed, so freaking lie in it. You don’t get to suddenly have it in third person from the point of view of four-year-old Christian because you want to – it doesn’t work that way. It’s confusing and stupid.
50 Shades Dumber opens with poor widdle Christian, crack-whore mommy, and a pimp from the movie “Pulp Fiction”. There’s no real reason for this, except I guess for you to feel sorry for Christian being used as an ash tray, but we already knew that, so why? I mean, there are other ways she could have conveyed the same scene without switching the point of view like that. But no, there it is, standing out like a big, freaking speed BUMP and the story has only just opened.
The second instance of this comes in the last page of 50 Shades Dumber. This time we’re thrust into third person so we can see Snidely sitting outside nefariously plotting the doom of Christian while smoking, rubbing his hands together, and cackling with glee. Of course it doesn’t say it’s Snidely, we’re just supposed to guess. Gee, who could possibly want to destroy Christi-poo and Ana-kins who could have been arrested but was just plopped in a cab instead? I can’t figure it OUT. HELP ME. This passage made me madder than the rest of the book combined because it’s just so wrong. I mean, you learn about this crap in freaking high school English here. Did James go to high school? How bad are British schools, cause I thought Americans kinda had the sorry school system market cornered. Just – arghhhhh.
Okay, better now. And I’m all ready for book three, which I have been warned is the worst one yet. I’ve read Speaker’s recaps, and all I can remember is a picture of a blue bunny on a waterski. I think that should be on the cover instead of the handcuffs, personally. It’s much more visually interesting. Maybe Goofy will release her memoirs soon, so we can read something that’s actually good. I hear she might consider it once she’s done with her stint on Bachelor Pad.
Since I’ve interviewed most of the stupid characters from the book with 50 Shades Dumber, I’ll have to try something else for book three. I’m thinking more bitchy reviews but this time with pictures harvested from Google images and my own nefarious mind on Paint. Possibly some multiple choice quizzes will be involved, because I love taking moronic quizzes like in Cosmo. I’ve also considered a “choose your own adventure” style, except that I’m pretty sure everyone would choose “they blow up all over the place” every time, and we wouldn’t get very far into the story. Unless they were to become zombies. Actually, that would kind of rock, except I’d feel sorry for the other zombies. I will have to think on this. Should you have any suggestions, feel free to add them in the comment section below.
Also, another thank you for all the well wishes and pleas to aliens and whatnot for my recovery from 50 Shades of Pneumonia. They were much appreciated. I love you all.
Crap. I don’t get this book. I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde. Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter. Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole. So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters? What important shit could be left?
Answer? NONE. In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.
Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower. Again. For pages. And pages and pages and pages. Ana has breakfast with Jose. Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana. Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter. But that’s not all! Just what do you get the man who has everything? His own stuff put in a box. No, really. Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns. Jeepers, thanks, Ana!
Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom. He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips. I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence. And then. Well, you know what happens next, right? Emails. Of course.
Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts? I don’t want to know.) Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office. Then she bakes him a cake. And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.
So now we’re to the last chapter. Chapter 22. Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her. One last hurrah. I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.
Alice: Kate. Glad to have you back. How was Barbados?
Kate: Great! Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!
Alice: Does sound like paradise alright. So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.
Kate: Yes! I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother. That’s a lot. Glad I missed most of it.
Alice: I wish I had. So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.
Kate: I did! And I immediately confronted Ana.
Alice: What did she say?
Kate: Typical. It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after. And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace. Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf? And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.
Alice: Right. She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?
Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot. I can’t stand her.
Alice: Then why is she your roommate?
Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her. I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property. I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?
Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.
Kate: There you go. Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know?
Alice: I know exactly. Anything else happen at the party?
Kate: There were a lot of people there. Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.
Alice: Appropriate as always.
Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian.
Alice: Really? A strong woman?
Kate: No, a lesbian.
Alice: Of course. Stupid me.
Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too. Elliot told me a little about her. Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time. But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.
Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.
Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him. Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them. Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.
Alice: I do feel for him. Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?
Kate: Those two? I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.
Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea. So what happened?
Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room. I listened at the door. She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.
Alice: Oh, good grief.
Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part. His mom walked in next. And she finally got a clue.
Alice: Wow. After only, what, 12 years? Mom of the year.
Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy. And then he told her to eat.
Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.
Kate: And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy. And so was I.
Kate: Well yeah. Finally I’m rid of the nit wit. Probably for good.
Alice: Fair point well made, Kate. Oh shit. He’s gotten to me too.
Kate: At least this book’s over right?
Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit? It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again! Arghhhhhh.
Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book. Laters. Shit. I hate E.L. James.
Oh, my. Such tension as Chapter 19 opens. I can hardly contain myself. Christian’s helicopter, the Charlie Tango & Cash, is MISSING. He is immediately on the news, because now random rich businessmen are as famous as Brad Pitt. His family and Ana and some other stupid people sit around being sadfaced. For like two pages. And then, oh what a relief. Christian comes back. Hoo-freaking-ray.
Once the hooplah about the return of
Jesus Christian dies down I decide to take the opportunity to interview Dr. Grace Trapper-Keeper-Grey, otherwise known as Christian’s Mommy – the adoptive one, not the crackwhore, cause she’s dead and my Ouija board is on the fritz.
Alice: Hello Grace. How’s it going?
Grace: My poor baby was missing and we thought he was dead until just moments ago! How do you think I feel?
Alice: Well, I felt elated, but I’m guessing you had the sads.
Grace: I did, but then he returned! Oh, Alice it was a miracle! Eight hours no one saw and then about fifteen minutes of suffering and worry. Also a bunch of Ana’s irritating flashbacks. Those were the worst.
Alice: Yippee. So what happened?
Grace: Well, he showed up carrying his jacket and socks and shoes for some reason and looking tired but beautiful, of course. We all cried and shouted and I flung myself on him and said I died a thousand deaths.
Alice: This book will have that effect on you.
Grace: I asked why he didn’t call and he said his cell phone was dead.
Alice: So that’s why we were spared emails for three whole pages.
Grace: We are all so relieved he came home safe. He was such a good little boy, you know. No trouble at all. You didn’t even have to touch him, unlike that annoying Mia and Elliot, always wanting food and hugs and all that crap. If only I’d gotten them from crackwhores. Maybe they’d have turned out as well as Christipoo.
Alice: Um. Yeah. So, you really don’t know about your son’s, um, extracurricular activities do you?
Grace: There are some things that disturb me, Alice.
Alice: Really? You mean you know about the –
Grace: Karate. Yes. He thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but he still can’t break a tough brownie in two without help.
Alice: Yup, that’s the disturbing part, alright.
Grace: Also that Ana. What is wrong with that twit?
Alice: There’s just so much.
Grace: I am afraid they- they – might be having sex, Alice.
Alice: You don’t say.
Grace: Sigh. Anyway, he hugged me a bit and then he pushed me off and went to hold her while she wailed and then Elliot asked for more details about the “chopper” which makes Christian madfaced because it’s a helicopter, you see, the safest on the market.
Alice: Clearly. Now it’s a big hunk of molten metal, but whatevs.
Grace: And then Taylor said his daughter was fine.
Alice: What daughter? What does that have to do with anything?
Grace: I have no idea. Anyway, Christian said he was flying with his number two.
Grace: Ros wanted to see Mt Saint Helens, so they were only 200 feet above ground level when the helicopter caught fire, and that’s why they didn’t die and all.
Alice: 200 feet is still rather far up, isn’t it? I mean, if I fell 200 feet, I think I’d be pretty smashed up, especially if I was surrounded in metal and fire.
Grace: So he landed and he put out the fire – with a fire extinguisher – and it was so brave of him because both engines were on fire!
Alice: He put out a huge helicopter fire with . . . one fire extinguisher.
Grace: And then he used the Blackberry GPS to guide them.
Alice: I thought he had no reception.
Grace: He didn’t. But the GPS still worked because it operates by magic.
Grace: It took them four hours to walk because silly Ros wore heels.
Alice: What a bitch.
Grace: Then they hitched a ride for free with a friendly truck driver who shared his lunch.
Alice: Was he from Sesame Street perhaps? Why couldn’t they have gotten one of those homicidal maniac truck drivers?
Grace: Christian was so anxious to be back because Jose was staying with Ana and he was worried they were going to start having an affair in the eight hours he was missing.
Alice: Well, Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.
Grace: But then Christian and Ana wanted to be alone so we went home. But – do you know what happened? I just found out! Ana gave Christian his present and it was a key chain!
Alice: What a thrill.
Grace: But Alice, on the back of the keychain was the word YES! She accepted Christian’s proposal as his birthday present!
Alice: Here I was hoping for a funeral, and we get a wedding.* Crap in a hat.
* I’m still not going to that freaking wedding.
As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up. No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades. It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left.
Chapter 18 is full of thrills. No, it’s not. It’s full of shit. Like always. What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes. I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason. Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier. There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow. But not with E.L. James. Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already. But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks. Why? Just why?
For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table. Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain! This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages. But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere! Of course they do! And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.
But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go. We’ll start with Jose.
Alice: Hello, Jose. Where have you been?
Jose: Oh, lurking. I think Ana really likes me.
Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.
Alice: Makes sense. Here’s another question. Why are you interested in her to begin with?
Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .
Alice: No, she’s not.
Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!
Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.
Jose: Huh. Good point there. She’s hot.
Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now. You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?
Jose: I think there’s hope. She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk. I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.
Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine.
Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.
Alice: No. I’m not. Because I hate you. I hate you all. Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter? I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?
Jose: I might, might have been following them.
Alice: I . . . nevermind. So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.
Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.
Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.
Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.
Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties. Big fucking deal.
Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.
Alice: I don’t give a shit.
Jose: But then came the best part! Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.
Alice: The what?
Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.
Alice: Oh, right. Ohhhh, you mean missing? So is he dead? Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.
Jose: We don’t know. That’s how the chapter ends. I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.
Alice: We can dream, Jose. We can dream.*
*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go. But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.
Chapter 17 begins with Christian’s massive peen and Ana’s butt. I think there’s a metaphor for this book in there somewhere. I hate this chapter, and I’ve only read three paragraphs. Then there is sex and swaying hips and crap kill me now. What’s really bad is that after scanning this chapter a couple times, I can’t figure out anyone else to interview except one of those idiots. So I figured, kill them both with one stone.
Alice: Delighted to have you . . . shit, let’s get this over with. So what happened? Anything? I don’t suppose a plot found its way in accidentally.
Christian: First, Ana and I made love. She’s always wet.
Alice: I would recommend Pampers. I hear they are the best at stopping leaks.
Christian: Next I ordered her to eat every bite of her granola.
Alice: Still not seeing how she’s not a preschooler.
Ana: But I have a car! I’m grown up.
Alice: Does Christian let you drive it?
Ana: He did! I put on “King of Pain” on the Ipod and said it was, like, Christian’s song. Get it?
Alice: Please tell me you didn’t just insult Sting. I feel rage.
Ana: I worried I might not have a job anymore! Marry the gazillionaire. Subconscious, you rapacious bitch! (This is right from the book. No, really.)
Christian: Charming, isn’t she?
Alice: She’s fucking nuts. Next.
Christian: I gave her strict instructions on how to drive. You push that one pedal, and then that other pedal. And I started to think we should have practiced more with the Big Wheel.
Ana: But I did it!
Alice: So then you went to work.
Ana: First Christian and I talked about how we were afraid the other one might leave us and make us sadfaced. And he wanted to know if I’d marry him again.
Alice: Sheesh, it’s been, what, two weeks since you met him? What’s the hold up?
Ana: Oh, but guess what? When I got to work, Jack’s boss told me she was giving me Jack’s job. I’m, like, an editor.
Ana: And I got his big office too! After only a week of work!
Ana: So I called Christian and asked if he got me the job but he said no and I didn’t believe him and he got angryfaced that I didn’t believe him.
Ana: Then Ethan came by, they call him the blond god at work cause he is so hot, and he said I looked hot.
Alice: Wait, which one’s Ethan?
Ana: Kate’s brother. And then Christian’s sister Mia showed up and I asked them to go out together cause I was busy being all businessy and I bet they are going to fall in love!
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: Wait, he said you were hot? Are you sleeping with him?
Ana: Christi-poo, don’t be silly! I only let one man tie me up and beat me.
Alice: Just – weren’t you two supposed to meet with Dr. Flynn?
Ana: Yes. But first, Christian sent me an email.
Christian: Alice, you’re supposed to put the corkscrew in the wine bottle, not your eye.
Alice: My mistake. So then you went to see Dr. Flynn.
Ana: First I bought Christian a tiny little present but didn’t say what it was so that the reader would have to guess! Then we went to Dr. Flynn’s office.
Ana: The female receptionist saw Christian and started orgasming which was like, ew, cause she could be his mother and old women are so gross!
Alice: I hate you.
Ana: I was surprised that the charlatan’s office wasn’t like something out of Freud. Because I like to stereotype the shit out of stuff. And I told him about the NDA. Dr. Flynn asked Christian about that and he was like, yeah, I do that with my relationships and Dr. Flynn was amused.
Alice: You realize his degree is an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Kid, right?
Christian: I highly respect Dr. Flynn.
Alice: There you go.
Christian: But then he had me leave the room. I was madfaced.
Ana: Dr. Flynn noticed Christian intimidated me. I said not as much as before. And he said, like, he wasn’t surprised and then he asked if he could help me.
Alice: Just skipped right over the intimidating . . . whatever. Next.
Ana: Dr. Flynn told me my, um, “down there” had done more for Christian than any silly therapy could! And then he said a lot of big psychologyish words that I didn’t understand cause he is so smart and I’m like, not, and then he said he didn’t think Christian was a sadist cause that isn’t psychiatric term and he said that Christian just decided not to do BDSM anymore cause I didn’t want him to and I didn’t think it could be so simple.
Alice: Yeah, it can’t.
Ana: Dr. Flynn said “Why not?” He has a British accent. That makes him even more smarter. And he said we shouldn’t beat our breasts, but I don’t, I let Christian do that. Then he said Christian was emotionally an adolescent.
Alice: Finally we agree on something.
Ana: And I said I was not good enough cause I’m not quite as hot and Dr. Flynn said I was attractive and that he was so happy Christian was in love with me.
Alice: Totally appropriate.
Ana: Then Christian dragged me out of the office. And we argued about driving.
Christian: Silly girl thought she could drive her own car. Pfft.
Ana: We had a cute little spat and I pulled over dangerously, and then we fought some more and then he drove and asked me what I said to Flynn and I told him and he asked what else I said to Flynn and I told him that too and then I asked if he thought his subs were lovers and he said no and I was so surprised.
Alice: He’s said that literally dozens of times before, you moron.
Christian: And then we got to the special secret place I was taking Ana. But it’s a surprise, you won’t find out till next time!
Alice: I hope it’s a lava pit and you guys fall in and become flaming balls of stupid.
Christian: I think we should invite Alice to the wedding, don’t you, Ana?*
*I’m not going and they can’t make me. Not unless there’s a LOT of booze.
I’m fairly certain I’m in a time machine. Because I know I already did Chapter 16, but now here it is again. I think somehow James keeps adding chapters in my sleep, so that I will never finish. It’s like when you’re in Vegas, and you would swear that the next casino is just a block away, but it’s really like 27 blocks, and you’re never getting out of the Circus Circus parking lot alive. Yeah, like that.
So last we left Ana, Jack Hyde, otherwise known as Snidely Whiplash, was about to pounce on her. Now I don’t advocate rape, ever, but maybe he could have just stuck her head into the copier and pressed copy about a billion times while laughing hysterically. I would have more respect for him. Anyway, oh look, here’s Snidley again to tell his side of the story.
Alice: Hello, Jack. Quit twisting your mustache, it’s creepy.
Jack: I guess you want to know about that tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick-tease?
Alice: Wow. That’s romantic.
Jack: That’s what I was going for! I thought I had her, but Dudley Do-Right showed up and– foiled again!
Alice: Ah, right. So what happened?
Jack: Well, I waited until closing, when my ride was due to pick me up in five minutes. Then I made my move when she went into the break room. I had carefully set up the Zingers as bait.
Alice: Yeah, uh, that doesn’t seem like the best plan, there. If your ride was about to pick you up for the airport, how were you going to have time to rape her?
Jack: I . . . nevermind! It was genius! I leered at her and told her about all the emails she’d been sending. The idiot has an ancient Blackberry, but uses her work email?
Alice: Yeah, even Christian figured out that was moronic.
Jack: And I told her she wasn’t the most qualified but I fought for her! And she owed me for this job!
Alice: If only you’d been Christian, this all would have worked out so well.
Jack: Yes! I followed all his moves, but it didn’t work for me! She kicked me in the groin and ran, which was not a nice thank you.
Alice: Cause every girl wants to be felt up on the copier. Actually, Ana might. But only if it were Christian. So then what?
Jack: Do-Right’s minion Taylor came in and shouted at me so it would sound bad, but really he was just wanting to ask if I’d help him out later with a little project. It was hard to hear over Christian yelling at Ana – you could hear it through Taylor’s walky-talky.
Alice: Wait – Ana nearly gets raped and Christian yells at her?
Jack: Well, yeah, he said he was pissed at her and she was stupid and to get in the motherfucking car.
Alice: Wow . . . way to make a gal feel safe there.
Jack: And then Do-Right came in and they made me pack up my desk. I mean, I was totally fired for that? I thought office rape was standard policy.
Alice: . . .
Jack: So they led me to my cab and I took off.
Alice: You mean they didn’t arrest you?
Jack: I didn’t rape her, just tried to, so it was totes okay. Luckily, Ana still had that camera in her purse, so I was able to tell what was going on after that.
Alice: If the camera was inside the purse, how could you –
Jack: Just go with it. James does. First Christian wouldn’t talk to her, and then he got her in the elevator and stuck his tongue down her throat. And then they drank.
Alice: The girl is almost raped but is okay with making out immediately afterward . . . nevermind, why do I ask?
Jack: And they yammered about Jose coming to visit and Christian was pouty just cause Jose had tried to rape her too. I mean, seriously, what’s up with that? And she said she didn’t like Elena, and Christian was all surprised about that for some reason and then she was on her own and she decided to explore the apartment.
Alice: Explore the . . . she really is like a goldfish. By the time she gets to one side of the apartment, she’s forgotten what was on the other side.
Jack: She went into the Red Room o’ Pain and dug through the museum chest. There she found an assortment of sex toys, all carefully organized. There was a butt drawer, a vibrator drawer, a genital drawer, and the leather straps and ballgags drawer. (I did not make that up, I shit you not.)
Alice: Well, it’s nice that he’s organized.
Jack: Christian thought maybe she wouldn’t want to do it cause she was attacked but Ana was like, no biggie, so they got out a spreader bar . . .
Alice: A spreader bar? Nevermind. Please don’t tell me.
Jack: And he tied her up and had sex with her that went on and on and on. I mean, I wasn’t even going to tie her up. Life is just not fair.
Alice: Yeah. It doesn’t make sense either. I am in some sort of warped parallel universe.**
* Do-Right and Whiplash are totally Canadian. Of course.
**It is called E.L.JamesFunLand Express
Gad. This book. Chapter 15 of Anatwatcrotch Steele’s memoirs is just, so, so double crap with a buttplug. First off, I was fairly sure I was already through Chapter 15, but no. No it was still THERE. All supposedly 18 pages of it, though I don’t really believe it was 18 pages, because I just kept turning pages and the crap just kept going, like that perverted Energizer Bunny. And I thought, I need someone who can clean up the bunch of shit that was this chapter. And then it hit me (not Christian, the idea.)
Alice: Hello, Mrs. Jones.
Mrs. Jones: Hello, Alice. You have a little Jello on your face dear. Now spit.
Alice: I don’t really . . .
Mrs. Jones: Spit into this hanky!
Alice: Okay! Gee, thanks for cleaning my face.
Mrs. Jones: You’re welcome. That’s what I do around here. I clean. So much. So, so much.
Alice: Yeah. So what’s it like working for Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, the pay is nice, and he gives me this place to live. Isn’t it nice? ISN’T IT?
Alice: Yes. Um. So do you like Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, he’s like the little psychotic son I never had. But cleaning up after him? All those buttplugs, Alice. There are SO MANY. And the stuff that gets on them is –
Alice: Thank you! That’s really all I need to know about that. What do you think of Ana? And Christian’s relationship with her?
Mrs. Jones: Well. She looks like all the others, of course. But she’s much more of a , what is the nice way to say this, hmm?
Alice: Bitch? Harpy? Dumbass?
Mrs. Jones: Yes. I mean, before they kept the sex in the playroom. Such a mess, I mean you wouldn’t believe what I would find –
Alice: I would. Anyway?
Mrs. Jones: It was gross, but at least the room was fairly soundproof so I didn’t have to hear all the screaming and thrusting and whatnot.
Alice: They do have sex a lot.
Mrs. Jones: A lot? They do it all the time. Almost every waking second. Except when they stop to drink, or Christian orders me to make a sandwich for Ana. Then it’s back to the fucking. They even did it on the piano. Do you know how long it took me to –
Alice: Once again, I can imagine. So anything interesting happen lately? Did anything happen? At all?
Mrs. Jones: Let’s see. Well, Ana howled and moaned and cried – and she wasn’t even having sex at that point. Christian carried her to bed, because the stupid girl can’t eat or walk for herself. I’m not sure if there really is a brain inside that head at all.
Alice: If so, it ran out of batteries years ago.
Mrs. Jones: Then Christian screamed, but it was nightmare screaming, not the other kind. Just one of the many things you learn to ignore around here. One of the many, many things you learn to ignore . . .
Alice: So then what happened?
Mrs. Jones: Then came the sex. Did you know you can hear a foil packet rip from across the house?
Alice: That’s illuminating.
Mrs. Jones: Then they talked and talked and Ana asked to see Dr. Flynn.
Alice: I hope he shows her what’s in that drawer.
Mrs. Jones: Taylor drove her to work. And then Christian got on the computer.
Alice: Oh, no.
Mrs. Jones: And started emailing Ana. This went back and forth. He was quite upset that she wasn’t using her Blackberry. The raunchy, idiotic emails can be traced on her work computer.
Alice: Did it occur to him to just stop sending her raunchy, idiotic emails?
Mrs. Jones: No. Christian was even more upset because Ana was having a hard day. Her boss, Mr. Hyde, kept yelling at her.
Alice: Because she was emailing instead of doing her coloring sheets?
Mrs. Jones: Also she was late getting to work and late with his lunch. They emailed some more. Ana continued to not use the Blackberry.
Alice: She has no sense of self-preservation and yet she keeps breathing somehow.
Mrs. Jones: Then she called during Christian’s work meeting and they kept telling the other one to hang up, no you hang up . . .
Alice: Just . . . I don’t . . . moving on.
Mrs. Jones: Mia apparently called Ana at one point – come to think of it, so did Jose, and Ethan as well. Christian tracks her calls.
Alice: Of course. No wonder Jack wants to kill the little twit.
Mrs. Jones: Mia let slip about Christian’s birthday. And then Ana and Christian sent emails back and forth about him being so old.
Alice: I hate their emails. So much.
Mrs. Jones: Well, she stopped emailing to go get a cookie since she can’t remember to eat. Taylor and Christian were all ready to pick her up from work, but she didn’t come out. Turns out Jack was trying to rape her in the break room.
Alice: Naturally. Wow. Guess that’s all we have time for today.
Mrs. Jones: There’s so much more I could tell you, though.
Alice: That’s okay. Really. I already know so much no amount of Lysol will ever, ever clean it out. Ever.*
*Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings. In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.
Has your brain sufficiently melted yet? Good. That will make the rest of this go down much easier. Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage. Here are a few of the reasons why.
1. What Ana’s wearing
Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing. Ever. I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot.
But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed. And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description. I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels. It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me. “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.” You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve. You just can’t.
And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream. Stop it, James. STOP IT NOW.
2. The emails.
OMFG, the emails. I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever. And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly. Over and over and over and over. It makes me not want to email again ever. Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines. I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons. And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons. Have them text each other. That’s what modern morons do constantly.
Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg
Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2. wnt 2 hav sxx? w/ btplgs?
Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter. They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.
3. The sex
I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene. I’m not kidding. They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through. And these scenes go on for pages. And pages. And pages.
For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.
Christian orders Ana to come.
A foil packet is ripped.
Ana says “Oh, my.”
There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.
Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)
Christian is spent or finds his release
Ana shouts “Arghh.”
Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)
Ana says “Jeez.”
Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex. Unless said character is the Beaver. And then I really don’t want to know about it.
There is just so much more. So, so, so much more. But that’s all I have right now. There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right? That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius. I am looking forward to the future. Which will be the same as the past. Awful. You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse. This shouldn’t be humanly possible.
But it is. Oh, it is. And there’s going to be a movie of this. And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen. I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine. But you know I’ll watch it.
I am a very sad person. But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten. Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.
Okay, so last time I was starting to crack just a bit, but now I am so pumped you guys. Leila has her gun pointed at Ana! Yes! We’re so close. Killherkillherkillherkillher!
I mean, um, such tension! Poor, poor Ana. What to do, what to do? Oh, hey, if it isn’t Leila herself!
Alice: Leila I am so so so happy to see you!
Leila: Okey dokey.
Alice: I’m on the edge of my seat here, Leila. You have to tell us all what happened. Did her head explode like a cantaloupe? Was there a brain inside, or just a broken speak-and-spell like I’ve been suspecting?
Leila: Oh. Well. See, Ana walked in. And I pointed the gun at her. And she just stood there. So I watched her like you do those freaks at the circus.
Alice: And then you shot her.
Leila: Nooo, I spoke cryptic to her. She doesn’t like cryptic, nope. I said “alone” a bunch of times, really spooky, cause I’m Leila the friendly ghost, Alice.
Alice: Right. Okay so then you shot her.
Leila: She offered me tea. Isn’t that funny? A tea party with guns! And I started talking about Master – that’s Christian. I also call him my preciousssss.
Alice: Okay. We’re about to get to the shooting. Any minute now. I just know it.
Leila: Master came into the room then!
Alice: Great! So you shot them both!
Leila: Noooo. He stared, and I stared, and Ana stared, and so did the chair. And Ana started to wig out. She suspects that Master and I are in true love.
Alice: She would worry about something like that even with a gun at her head.
Leila: But then he said the word, and I fell to my knees and dropped the gun.
Alice: What? No, wait, what word? What word could make you do that?
Leila: Arby’s. I really like Arby’s, don’t you?
Alice: . . . .
Leila: Master took the gun and walked to me and petted me. I like being petted. Sometimes he gives me kibbles when I’m good too. Hmmm. Kibbles.
Alice: I just – you had them, Leila. Why didn’t you shoot?
Leila: That does seem weird, doesn’t it? I don’t quite know. Ana was so upset. She didn’t want to leave because Master was petting me, and not her. Nanner Nanner Anner. Taylor had to carry her out of the room because she wouldn’t go. Ha, ha, ha. Lookie, here comes Ana now!
Ana: Hey, what is SHE doing here?
Leila: Howdy Doody, Ana.
Alice: I’ve been interviewing her about the ordeal, Ana. Or is this inner goddess? Or subconscious? Or the Wizard of Oz?
Ana: I’m Ana, of course! And she should be back in the mental ward! How did you escape, Leila?
Leila: There’s this revolving door at the hospital. Round and round it goes.
Alice: Yeah, um, Ana, I hear you didn’t want to leave when Christian was comforting Leila here.
Ana: Of course not! She is a rival for my affections! I was afraid if I left he’d start making out with herrrr and not meeee!
Leila: And they put ME in the mental ward.
Alice: No kidding. Look, Ana, Leila had a psychotic break. I sincerely doubt even Christian would screw someone who’d just had a mental breakdown.
Ana: But, but she’s everything he wanted. She’s submissive and will let him tie her up and swing her from the walls and I – I just can’t do that for my man sobbbbbbb!
Leila: That’s true. Maybe we did do it. Yeah. With buttplugs. And ponies. Lots of rainbow ponies.
Ana: I KNEW IT! Noooooooo!
Leila: And then he fastened me to Snuffaluffagus, and whipped my hiney and the ponies all sang with delight!
Alice: Just – stop that! Both of you.
Ana: I’m inwardly keening.
Alice: No you aren’t. Now, just – just – what did Christian say when you told him you were worried about him getting together with Leila?
Ana: Well first I decided to drown my sorrows in booze with Ethan. I was so SAD Alice.
Leila: Sad, sad, sad pony!
Ana: Alice make her stopppp!
Alice: I’m going to hurt you both. What did Christian say, Ana?
Ana: He, he, he said it wasn’t about meeeee.
Alice: Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he’s actually right. It wasn’t about you, you nimrod. He was actually trying to help this poor girl he has clearly screwed up beyond repair.
Leila: Ponies, ponies, pooooonieeees!
Ana: Poor, poor Christian got so scared that I was going to leave him! So he fell to his knees before me! He wants to be my submissive!
Alice: Great. Hit him with a hammer. Then hit yourself. Please.
Ana: I must go tend to my man. Who is MY man, so leave him alone, Leila.
Leila: Okey dokey. Alice, do you want to stay with me?
Alice: In the mental ward?
Leila: We have lime Jello.
Alice: Really? Lime, huh? Sure, let’s go.
I have to tell you, reader, I was warned about this book. Sure, I expected a difficult road. After all, I’d been through 50 Shades of Grey. But this book. This. Book. Ms. Ana Bobanaball Steele’s memoirs are just pages, just so many pages, with random words but nothing happening. And by nothing, I mean, once again . . .
No, seriously, not funnin’ here. It’s the same thing, over, and over, and over. For pages, and pages, and pages, and pages, and pages and pages and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Excuse me. We are halfway through here. I’m stocked up on alcohol. Time to interview someone. And then go stick my head in a toilet and die. Next up is – Jesus hates me more than you will know, guys. It’s Mrs. Robinson.
Alice: Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.
Mrs. Robinson: My name is Elena. Isn’t it a little early to be drinking hard liquor?
Alice: Nooope. So. You were friends with Christian’s mom, right?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, that is correct.
Alice: So you thought, hey, since we’re such good friends, she probably wouldn’t mind if I used her 15 year old as my sex slave and beat the snot out of him and sexed him up and just generally screwed with his mind for years. What are friends for, right? Right?
Mrs. Robinson: I do believe you’re drunk.
Alice: I am not nearly drunk enough, lady. Let’s get on with it. You are still, uh, friends with Christian and own a business with him. Naturally. And you just show up randomly on his doorstop for kicks?
Mrs. Robinson: It was not random. I am being blackmailed!
Alice: By who?
Mrs. Robinson: I do not know. I came to Christian for advice.
Alice: That actually kind of makes sense, considering. Bet Ana got her knickers in a twist. That’s a Britishism you know, for underwear.
Mrs. Robinson: I just don’t know about that Ana. She hurt my Christian!
Alice: Riiiight. And only you get to do that! With a flogger, am I right?
Mrs. Robinson: Tut tut. Only the best riding crops for my sex slaves.
Alice: So sorry, my mistake. So you came over just to talk about someone blackmailing you. That it?
Mrs. Robinson: Well, yes.
Alice: Not. Good. Enough. Plot. You need to have something to do with the plot. There should be a plot. Where is the plot? Where is ittttttttt????????
Mrs. Robinson: How many drinks have you had now?
Alice: Never-you-mindeh that. Okay, so you hates Ana. Big whoopeh. So dooo we alls. Do you wanta kill hersh? Cause, cause I knowth some peoples can helps wit that.
Mrs. Robinson: I don’t want to kill anybody. Who do you think I am?
Alice: Child molessssttteh. Or somethink. Yous shouldth find um that um Leila! Yeah, Yeah! And Jacker, Jack Hyde!
Mrs. Robinson: Oh, I know Jack Hyde. I used to screw with him too.
Alice: Wait. Did . . . Jamesth writes that? Can’t ‘member.
Mrs. Robinson: Well, no, but it only makes sense. Anyway, Jack told me she is a terrible employee. A week on the job and not a single blowjob in sight. So hard to find good help these days! She emailed Christian a lot – ohhh, he just writes the sexiest emails.
Alice: I hahhhhve a game. You drink – whens they emails. Issth so great.
Mrs. Robinson: Ah, but I’m getting off track. I just put a little camera in Ana’s hair clip. That way I can watch Ana and make sure she doesn’t hurt my poor widdle Christi-poo.
Alice: Drinksss for stalkings! Wooot!
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, the camera is handy. Well, except for the sex. They had sex on the piano, which I do not think is the proper way to play that instrument.
Alice: Drinksss for sexxxy timesssss!
Mrs. Robinson: Anyway, they spoke on the phone, and they argued playfully, and Ana’s friend Kate’s brother came and he was so gorgeous, of course, and all the girls were jealous and naturally he was in love with Ana, because for some reason all men are.
Alice: Drinkkksss for mens in loves with Ana!
Mrs. Robinson: Ana had some more useless conversations, and then she and Christian and Ethan and the security team went to Ana’s apartment and here is where it gets exciting! Alice, wake up. I think you’re about to pass out.
Alice: Wh-what? Excitings?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes. When Ana walked in her apartment, there was Leila. With a gun!
Alice: Heeeere’s to Leila!
Mrs. Robinson: Alice . . . hmm, I’ll just let you take that little nap on the floor, then.*
* That was a nice nap. Bitchin’ headache later, though. I might need hard drugs for the next chapter.