Today we’re interviewing a brand new character, Jack Hyde, who, and this is just a guess, is set to be a bad guy in this book. Which means we’ll probably be rooting for him as well. God knows Leila needs the help.
Alice: Mr. Hyde, so nice to meet you.
Jack: Please, call me Jack.
Alice: Okay, Jack, you have a rather interesting name. Care to tell us about it?
Jack: Well my full name is Jack the Ripper Mr. Hyde Evil Bastard Boss. But really, Jack is much easier.
Alice: Okay, then. So Ana Steele recently came to work for you, right?
Jack: Yes. She was extremely qualified.
Alice: How so?
Jack: She’s hot and stupid. Also, she fetches coffee. What more could you ask for in an editor’s assistant?
Alice: Some editors might want someone who could, I don’t know, edit?
Jack: Pfft. The girl fetches really well. I can tell she’s been trained.
Alice: Yes, by her boyfriend, Christian Grey.
Jack: Ugh, that guy! What does she see in him?
Alice: He ties her up and flogs her and shoves stuff up her hoo-ha.
Jack: I could do that. This Christian Grey is a real jerk. He’s always emailing Ana. It’s annoying. She can’t finish the coloring sheets I give her, and sometimes she’s late with the coffee. Also, she has not responded to my romantic gestures.
Alice: Isn’t it inappropriate for a boss to hit on his employee?
Jack: Hey, I didn’t hire her for her brains.
Alice: Right. So they’ve been emailing each other? That’s a real shock.
Jack: Yes. “Will you move in with me? Can we talk tonight? Can we talk this evening? Can I go to this conference with Jack? No, he’s a sleazeball, unlike me. Blah blah.” And more talk about knickers. What the hell are knickers, and how do you twist them?
Alice: It’s a Britishism for underwear.
Jack: But she’s not British.
Alice: Don’t even get me started. So did you stop the emails?
Jack: Nah, I just print them out and read them alone in my office.
Jack: So she gabbed to Christian on the phone, and she emailed him some more, and she painted her nails, and she huffed the paint because it smells like grape, and I sent her to get my lunch. This made Mr. Hotshot mad.
Alice: And why was that?
Jack: Some psycho chick named Leila is stalking them or something. I don’t know. But he shouldn’t keep her from doing her job.
Alice: Which is fetching you coffee and sandwiches? Is your office located in the 1950s?
Jack: She likes fetching coffee for me. You just ring this little bell and off she goes!
Jack: I wanted her to go to this conference so we could network. You know what I mean? Network? Get it?
Alice: Unfortunately. I’m sure Christian wasn’t happy about that.
Jack: No. And somehow I was blocked from being able to schedule her flight. But no matter, I just gave her extra coloring pages and one of those seek and finds, which kept her working late with me. Then I got super close to her and acted like a creeper. She wasn’t impressed.
Alice: Weird. It works for Christian.
Jack: I know! So I asked her out, and asked her inappropriate questions, and she got all braggy about her boyfriend, and she left. Nevermind that she spent most of the workday arguing with him and being furious about him controlling her, when she could have me controlling her. I have a leash and everything. I’m not sure if her hot ass is worth it.
Alice: I’m certain it isn’t. So did she stay mad at Christian?
Jack: No. They had sex in the elevator and she forgot about it. And then some Mrs. Robinson showed up.
Alice: How do you know all this?
Jack: Well it’s not because I put a camera in her purse.
Alice: I just . . . well. Since Ana’s clearly not interested, are you going to back off?
Jack: Back off? No way. I will have Ana, and I will make Christian Grey pay! Bwahahahahahahahahaha.
Alice: You just turned green and hunchbacked for a second there.
Jack: Uh, sorry. As I was saying, I plan to challenge Christian Grey.
Alice: Great. Make sure you kill him. You should find Leila. She’s already got the gun. Ana might get caught in the crossfire, but that’s the breaks. Just, you know, FYI.
Jack: Thank you, Alice. I don’t suppose you’d like to be an editor’s assistant? I sense a position opening soon.
Alice: Yeah, tempting. But clearly James knows nothing about editing, and you’re a creeper. So, gosh, no. Thanks anyway.
Jack: Curses! Foiled again.
Alice: Is there anyone in this book that isn’t insane or creepy?
I just finished chapter 10 of Ana’s memoirs and I can safely report that nothing happened. When I say nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING.
Now who am I going to ask about nothing this time?
Christian: I will allow you to interview me, Miss Alice
Alice: I already did. Under duress.
Christian: Oh, but that was the old Christian you interviewed.
Alice: Christ. Please say you don’t have voices in your head now.
Christian: That’s Christ-ian. And no, I am new and improved, saved by the power of Ana’s vagin – er love.
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: One moment, I’m getting a call. Great news . . . a poodle . . . swallowed the entire thing . . . how is that possible . . . I see . . . yes, tonight.
Alice: You realize that’s an Elmo phone, right?
Christian: This is the latest and most stylish phone on the market.
Alice: It’s a kid toy. See, I push a button and it says “Elmo is hungry!”
Christian: Nevermind that. As I was saying, I am a changed man. Now I make love to Ana, and don’t even smack her around while I’m doing it.
Alice: You’re a real prince.
Christian: Actually, I am, on my mother’s side. Did you know Taylor’s first name is Jason? I didn’t either until this chapter.
Alice: I honestly didn’t care.
Christian: Ana asked why I have no friends.
Alice: Because you’re a total jackass and people hate you?
Christian: You are making my hands twitch.
Alice: I have a real phone. It dials 9-1-1, see?
Christian: Very well. Ana and I went to dinner.
Alice: God this is fascinating.
Christian: She was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax without beating her up. And when I said I didn’t want to take her to my playroom she told me inner goddess stomped off pouting like an angry toddler.
Alice: I . . . what?
Leila: Oh, hi Alice. Hello, Christian.
Christian: Hello Le . . . hey, wait a minute, where’s my security team?
Leila: Eating donuts. Did you see my gun? It goes boom boom when I pull the trigger. Liiiike this . . .
Christian: Quick, Alice, get in front of me! I’m too important to die!
Alice: She’s holding a water gun.
Leila: Gotcha! Good job putting guards on the emergency stairwell, there. And changing the locks. Now I have to go make another key off this one I stole out of your jewelry box. Pooh. Buh-bye now.
Alice: Wait – you didn’t think to change the locks until now? Or guard the emergency stairwell?
Christian: That Leila is too damned sneaky!
Alice: Or your security team hates you.
Christian: Whew. Well, I told Ana she couldn’t go to work because it’s just too dangerous and then she got madfaced.
Alice: So it’s too dangerous for her to go to work, but not to go out to dinner, go car shopping, and go sailing.
Christian: I was there to protect her then. And my crack security team.
Alice: That’s reassuring.
Christian: I gave Ana a tour of the apartment.
Alice: She hasn’t seen the whole apartment by now? Oh, yeah, all you guys do is have sex, I forgot.
Christian: It’s making love now, Alice.
Alice: I may be ill.
Christian: We played pool in the library. And I stuck my cue in Ana’s inner pocket.
Alice: Hey, who’s that over there with the gun? Is that Leila?
Alice: And there he goes again. Go, Leila, go.
Okay, chapter nine of Ana’s memoirs was a little different. There is a short scene where Ana dries Christian’s back, and he has to face his fear of the touchies. It’s actually not completely vomitrociously terrible! For a few paragraphs, there was such bliss.
But then it went back to normal and got horrible again. Who the hell am I going to interview for this crap this time?
Alice: Oh. Hello again, Ana. Is it Ana this time? Or inner goddess? Please say it’s not inner goddess.
Subconscious: No, no, it’s me. Subconscious. I gagged inner goddess with a pom pom.
Alice: Lovely. I thought I would point out that there’s no way Ana would know you were around since your subconscious exists below consciousness. That’s kind of the whole definition of subconscious.
Subconscious: I am going to tap my foot and wave my finger at you.
Alice: Whatever. Okay, so what’s been happening with Christian and Ana? Any more Leila with a gun?
Subconscious: No. This is all about the love between Christian and Ana. He told her he loves her! I stood in stunned silence.
Alice: Me too. But I spend most of the book like this.
Subconscious: They had a shower, and Ana dried Christian off. I nodded with approval, for she is the puppet master.
Alice: Um, yeah, I think she’s actually the puppet. He controls her and enjoys putting his hand up her hoo-ha.
Subconscious: They made love but for some weird reason she didn’t explain every detail and she asked about his real father but he said it wasn’t crack whore mom’s pimp. And then Christian had a surprise for her!
Alice: A brand new buttplug?
Subconscious: No. He decided to take her on his boat. He owns a boat. It’s really big and expensive and he owns it.
Alice: I’m so impressed. So what happened on the boat?
Subconscious: Well, first they had to get to the boat. They took a quick detour so Christian could buy her a car.
Alice: Of course. Logical thing to do on a date.
Subconscious: I was mortified at the whole car buying business! She wanted a convertible, of all things, and I tried to say something but that inner goddess bitch tackled me to the floor!
Alice: I . . . yeah, I got nothing.
Subconscious: So they bought the car, but then Christian had to have Ana eat. And she wondered if this would ever get old.
Alice: It has.
Subconscious: Christian talked all about how perfect and wonderful and successful he was and then they got to the boat!
Subconscious: We met a handsome man named Mac who I guess works on the boat. I’m not sure. He wore a pink polo shirt. Then Christian gave Ana a tour of the boat, which is really big, and expensive, and big. And he showed her the bedroom and said it was the first time he’d ever taken a girl in there!
Alice: Why do I think it’s not the first time he’s had Mac in that room?
Subconscious: They decided to christen the bed later.
Alice: Can’t wait.
Subconscious: Christian got off on strapping Ana into a life jacket and she called him “my pervert” and he said “yes, yours.”
Alice: Is that her new pet name for him? It’s not bad.
Subconscious: They joked about rope tricks, and I glared at her. That is so improper.
Alice: Must be fun being in her head, then.
Subconscious: No. It is not. Especially not sharing space with that inner goddess! Pardon me. Next he had Ana pilot the boat, almost like that scene in Titanic.
Alice: Did they hit an iceberg?
Subconscious: No. She had a fabulous time, but I kept her in line. I told her she was a lucky bitch, but that soon enough he wasn’t going to want this vanilla sex stuff and she’d have to compromise by getting beaten up again.
Subconscious: Next they had sex. And it went on. And on. And on. That stupid twit inner goddess cheered and spelled S-E-X with letters. I read an entire issue of Ladies Home Journal. I know how to make popcorn balls now.
Alice: Well, that was illuminating. Thank you, subconscious. Keep up with the slut shaming and all that.
Subconscious: Will do. Excuse me. Inner goddess spat out the pom pom.
Alice: Please tell me that’s the last voice. Please.
If you’ve been keeping up with us, you know we’re on chapter 8 of Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Christian and Ana are being stalked (how does it feel now, guys? Sexy, isn’t it?) by Leila, Christian’s ex sub who is more of a fruit loop than Ana. Since Christian is so very intelligent, he has gotten together an awesome security team. I call them Christian’s Angels, even though they are technically Farah Faucette-less. This team consists of Taylor (because he has nothing else to do what with already acting as his personal butler, driver, and underwear buyer), Sawyer, and I swear I am not making this shit up, Ryan and Reynolds.
Really E.L.? I see what you did there.
Since I’m so excited about this Leila case, I thought I would step in and interview the guys while they were all on a donut break.
Alice: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
Taylor: Thanks for the donuts.
Alice: Shouldn’t, um, one of you be keeping an eye out for Leila?
Taylor: Pfft, I tried, but Christian knows better. First he insisted on going in the apartment himself, even though the team was there. Then he said I was overreacting.
Alice: But I thought he hired you because this was such a scary, dangerous situation.
Taylor: He’s a dumbass. But far be it for me to question his orders.
Alice: It’s nice to see that he didn’t get too mad at you for the last interview.
Taylor: He just put me in the box this time.
Alice: The box?
Ryan: He doesn’t like to –
Reynolds: – talk about it.
Alice: You finished what Ryan said, Reynolds.
Ryan: Sometimes it’s like we’re the same person.
Alice: So what’s been happening with Leila?
Sawyer: Well, turns out she was still in the apartment, but we missed her, because Christian searched and didn’t find her. He forgot he had a library and some other rooms in the apartment. It’s such a big apartment, you know.
Alice: Right. Hey, weren’t you on Lost?
Sawyer: Yeah. This is part of the whole Purgatory thing.
Alice: Right. So . . .
Leila: Hi Alice. Hi Taylor.
Taylor: Hey, Leila, how’s it going? I noticed that nice paint job you gave Ana’s car.
Leila: Thanks. I also painted the Mona Lisa. And I’m a trained ninja. And I speak fluent Klingon.
Alice: Um, guys –
Taylor: Well, you know your way around.
Leila: Thanks! Buh-bye!
Alice: Guys. You just let Leila walk in the door.
Ryan: So? What’s –
Reynolds: -the problem?
Alice: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop her?
Sawyer: Do you really want us to?
Alice: Well, no. But it is sort of your job.
Taylor: No worries. You see Leila was here yesterday, and she stood at the end of Ana’s bed and made spooky howly noises until she woke up. But Ana figured it was just her imagination, and went to go sex up Christian. Again.
Alice: So Leila was right there and she didn’t shoot Ana?
Taylor: I know, right? She said it’s more fun to screw with them. So, when Christian and Ana went back to the bedroom they saw that Leila had left the balcony door open.
Alice: She jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: Ninja, remember? Christian only takes on talented girls as his subs. Or at least those who say they’re talented. You know, I think she might not be a ninja . . .
Alice: Nevermind. What happened then?
Taylor: Christian got all panicky and called us up and hissed into my phone. He made Ana wear his sweatpants because they were in a hurry, but then asked me to get Ana’s shoes. Idiot. I packed her a suitcase. Then Christian ordered me to find them a hotel. And to find Leila who was still in the house.
Alice: I thought she jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: I guess not.
Alice: Then why did she open the door to the balcony?
Taylor: Hey, we don’t write this stuff.
Alice: So then what happened?
Taylor: I got them the room at the hotel, though I’m surprised they made it there. Ana kept nagging at him about Mrs. Robinson and their relationship and did he like her like she liked him. I was tempted to “accidentally” shoot her myself.
Alice: I don’t blame you. But there’s one thing I’m not getting. Why didn’t Christian just call the police?
Ryan: Because Leila’s mentally ill and –
Reynolds: Christian can handle her better.
Alice: Stop that, you two. It’s annoying. But seriously? This just . . . anyway, so they got in the car and decided to run? This was the best choice of action?
Taylor: He thought so. Oh, phone call from Turdface. Hold on. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah sure.
Alice: What did he say?
Taylor: He was really freaked for a minute.
Alice: Why? Leila’s right here.
Taylor: Because the gynecologist he had sent to the hotel thought Ana might be pregnant. Turns out, false alarm.
Alice: Just – what? He called a gynecologist to their hotel room?
Taylor: Christian decided Ana should be on the shot since she’s too stupid to take a pill.
Alice: She wasn’t even on the pill for that long and they are always opening those damn foil packets anyway so that makes no sense and hey – they are running for their lives and he’s concerned about her birth control?
Taylor: Yeah, priorities. But he feels better because Ana isn’t knocked up and so he loves her.
Leila: Hi again. They’re not here, but I hid a bunch of rotten eggs stuffed in buttplugs all over the apartment. It will take them a while to find them.
Alice: They’re at a hotel, Leila. Which one again?
Taylor: Fairmont Olympic. If you get lost, just call your gynecologist.
Leila: Thanks! Bye!
Alice: Bye and for the love of God, good luck.
Today, reader, we’re in for a great session. A session with Dr. Flynn, Psychiatrist Man. I know I could use a visit with a shrink at this point. Although the only thing I can think to say at this point is whyyyyyyy? Just why? Why, why, why, why, why, why . . .
Pardon me. I managed to catch Dr. Flynn just as he was leaving the masked ball and he agreed to meet with me in his office late at night. He says he does this with all his clients. Also, he has a cage in his office instead of a couch. I’m a little suspicious but he says this is a “new kind of therapy.”
Alice: Dr. Flynn, I’m glad you made room in your busy schedule to . . . is there something hissing in your desk drawer?
Flynn: Possibly. How does that make you feel, Alice?
Alice: Let’s get to the questions. How long have you been Christian’s psychiatrist?
Flynn: Oh, it’s been ages.
Alice: Don’t you have actual records?
Flynn: Oh, no. While he’s talking to me, I just doodle on my notepad. See these are my notes from the last session.
Alice: That’s a pony jumping over a rainbow.
Flynn: Impressive, isn’t it? So I guess you’d like me to tell you all about Christian.
Alice: You can’t do that. There’s that doctor / patient confidentiality thing.
Flynn: Oh, posh. Christian and I are great friends. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you how fucked up he is. He’s 50 shades of fucked up, you know. I told him that in our first session. I said, “Wow, you’re 50 shades of fucked up.”
Alice: Just . . . I don’t even . . .
Flynn: We had such a great time at the masked ball. First we ate. Would you like to see the entire menu? Or a list of all of the prizes offered for a meaningless drawing?
Alice: Why would anyone need to see that? You’re showing it all to me anyway. Of course you are.
Flynn: After we ate, there was this fundraiser. Worthy cause. Something about kids and drugs. Maybe it pays for their drugs, I don’t know. Anyway, they had a bidding war for a first dance with the ladies. I bid on his girlfriend, and then he bid more, and I bid more, and it was so much fun.
Alice: You . . . bid on your client’s girlfriend?
Flynn: Sure, why not?
Alice: Because you’re a freaking psychiatrist! You aren’t supposed to be friends with your clients, or spend time after hours with your client, and you sure as hell are not supposed to BID on their girlfriends.
Flynn: You are so closed minded, Alice. It’s not like I won her anyway. Christian bid 100,000 dollars on her, and I really couldn’t go over 25,000 dollars.
Alice: I didn’t think psychiatrists were quite that wealthy.
Flynn: It helps when you charge 50,000 per session. So after the bidding, I cut in on a dance with the lovely Ana. She’s such a beauty, and so smart too! Did you know she plays six musical instruments, speaks fluent Mandarin, and is keen on yoga?
Alice: I buy the yoga part, since Christian twists her into a pretzel routinely. The only instrument she plays, though, is her vagina, and she can’t even speak English well, much less Mandarin. Why would she need to speak Mandarin anyway?
Flynn: Because Ana is a special snowflake and can do anything! She can even dance while vaginal balls are stuffed up her hoo ha.
Alice: That’s the kind of skill you could put on a resume.
Flynn: Isn’t it? Ah, those crazy lovebirds are always being crazy! They snuck off a couple of times to bump and grind. I know because I listened at his bedroom door.
Alice: That is creepy and weird.
Flynn: They did have some trouble with Christian’s Mrs. Robinson. Cute name for his molester, don’t you think?
Flynn: She warned Ana to not hurt Christian, and then Christian called her and told her to quit bothering her.
Alice: I thought they were both at the same ball. Why call her?
Flynn: Because . . . well, next they had fireworks, and you know how Ana is fascinated by shiny things! She was so cute. They had security all around since Leila has been stalking them. But Ana was rightly most concerned about Mrs. Robinson, who passed her a note saying she’d beat her up if she messed with Christian and to, you know, call her.
Flynn: Oh, her car was also vandalized. Someone took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires and carved her name into the leather seats . . . wait, that’s a country song. No, someone threw paint on her car and slashed the tires. Of course that someone is Leila, cause who else would want to do that to Ana? Scary, isn’t it?
Alice: Not really.
Flynn: So they left, but later Christian called me so upset! He needed counseling because someone broke into his apartment! I told him to go in and check it out himself.
Alice: Good plan there. Last question. What do you think of Ana?
Flynn: Well, I just adore her, but not enough to go against Christian! That guy used to beat the shit out of his classmates when he was a kid. A real juvenile delinquent. Isn’t that charming?
Alice: Hey, that fits right in on that last question on my psychopath survey. I knew it!
Flynn: Well, it’s a good thing I’m not going to tell you about Christian’s issues, or we’d be here all night! Get it? That’s a psychiatrist joke.
Alice: No it’s not. Where exactly did you get your degree?
Dr. Flynn: Are you trying to call me an expensive charlatan? Because I’ll have you know I’ve got real degrees from ShrinksRUsUniversity.
Alice: That’s not a university.
Dr. Flynn: It is on the internet. See, I’ve even got a certificate.
Alice: That’s an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Dr. Flynn: Ah, well, university degrees are for elitists.
Alice: Uh huh. Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you.
Dr. Flynn: If you ever need a shrink, give me a call, hmm?
Alice: Sure. I’m just going to, you know, back out of here slowly and watch you the entire time, ‘kay? Bye now.
Okay, I’m at a loss as to who to interview next. This chapter of Ana’s memoirs is filled almost entirely with meaningless sex and cray cray. Who could possibly be an authority on that? Ana, is that you?
Inner Goddess: Oh, no I’m inner goddess. Ana and subconscious are out today.
Alice: Right. Hell, why not? So what’s it like being one of the voices in Ana’s head?
Inner Goddess: Well, for the longest time like I was just so, so bored, you know? I mean like Ana totally wasn’t worth anything because she didn’t have a guy and no guy was like good enough for her because she only loves literary heroes and psychos and she like hadn’t met either yet but then she met Christian and OMG he is so HOT and I have like been so totally happy ever since!
Alice: This interview is going to suck.
Inner Goddess: I am like an expert on sucking! I taught Ana all about how to –
Alice: Yeah, that’s okay. We know.
Inner Goddess: So there was all this up and down and in and out and all around and they did the hokey pokey and I did triple salcows! And Ana touched Christian some more around the lipstick marks.
Alice: How long has he had that lipstick on him?
Inner Goddess: Pretty sure it was Revlon Long Lasting in Sex Me Up Red.
Alice: Well that explains it.
Inner Goddess: Ana got dressed in a like beautiful gown like totally better than Cinderella, and then her prince, that’s Christian, slid her sparkly . . .
Inner Goddess: No silly, vaginal balls. He slid them up her “down there”.
Alice: For a charity ball at his parents’ home. He’s having her wear – why am I surprised? Okay, what happened next, if anything?
Inner Goddess: He gave her a mask and they got in the car and they talked while the balls went whush whush into her hoo ha, and I waved my pom poms and they got to the ball which was really big with like all these bitches that were bitchin’ about my Ana because she is way hotter and specialer than any of those hos. And she met his grandparents, but like who cares because they are so old and Mia was bouncing like she was high on crack again and Miss European Pigtails showed up which really made Ana mad and . . . Alice are you okay?
Alice: Fine, thanks.
Inner Goddess: But you’re beating your head on the table. That looks painful.
Alice: No, no, do go on.
Inner Goddess: Okey dokey. So Ana and Christian so wanted to have sexy times cause they were at this charity ball, right, and what else would you want to do? And Ana had to get the vag balls out of her hoo ha, but then Mia went to the potty with her before Christian could, so she just stuffed the balls in her purse and they both were pouty because they like didn’t get to DO IT and we were so horny and drunk that we decided to bid all the money Christian gave us on this Aspen home. He has lots of homes, you know, like McCain, and he also can’t remember how many. That is so cute! Oh, but you know Christian will be so mad at Ana because OMG she used money he gave her to like bet on something without his permission so we are totally left on a cliffhanger, Alice! Alice? Alice?
Alice: Oh, are you done?
Inner Goddess: I knew you weren’t listening. It’s because you’re a blond in a cute little blue dress with a pinafore. Your kind can’t be trusted.
Alice: That must be it. Thanks so much, Inner Goddess. Please go away now.
Inner Goddess: Oh, I’ll never go away. I am a part of you with my happy, happy pom poms and my voice of pure joy and horniness and oh noo don’t take that antipsychotic nooooooooo I’m melting!
Alice: Much better. Stay tuned next time when we interview Dr. Flynn. I think I will need his services. Don’t you, subconscious?
Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be doing these interviews. Reading this moron’s memoirs is about to drive me up a ceiling as I put my pedal to the floor and misuse various other clichés. She is so infuriating I have wanted to beat my Nook into the desk, and I’m only on chapter 2. So anyway, let’s get to our next guest who is . . .
Alice: Ana, thanks . . . so much . . . for joining us.
Ana: Is Christian here?
Ana: But he’s coming right? Because I have needs.
Alice: Yeah, you realize he’s stalking you every second, right?
Ana: Isn’t that romantic?
Alice: No. I heard you and Christian got back together. How is it going?
Ana: I’m so happy! Christian took me to this restaurant that wasn’t good enough for him but it was really romantic to me because Ella Fitzgerald’s music was playing and I like her because I’m so academic yet quirky! He was really snippy with the waiter, because he’s so calm and efficient and not at all a jerk and he ordered steak for me without giving me a choice but that’s okay because he is OMG so hot.
Alice: So did you guys talk about anything remotely relevant to the plot?
Ana: Hmm, let me see. What do you think inner goddess?
Alice: Who are you talking to?
Ana: I wasn’t talking to anyone. Let’s see, first he yelled at me and called me a child and said not to make him jealous and then we laughed about the word “moot” cause it’s such a funny word. It kind of sounds like “toot”, you know?
Alice: Uh huh.
Ana: And I told him about my indescribable anguish I’d felt for like THREE DAYS and he said he was anguished too and that he behaved stupidly.
Alice: Whoa, he admitted he did something wrong?
Ana: Well, yes, but I behaved stupidly too! I didn’t use the safe word when he was beating me!
Alice: . . . .
Ana: I felt so silly, because I’d just brought all this on myself! So I apologized to him.
Alice: You apologized. . . . to . . . him?
Ana: Yes! And he said we could have avoided all this suffering if I’d just been open with him and told him the safeword. I had kinda thought maybe we could avoid the suffering if he didn’t hit me with a belt, but what do I know? Shut up, subconscious. Anyway, he told me he was “in perpetual night” without me! Then he ordered me to eat before he had to spank me. Oh, and I have a new nickname for him. I call him Fifty. You know, like how he’s fifty shades of fucked up? Isn’t it cute?
Alice: I think you’re insane.
Ana: So then he had Taylor come pick us up and we got in his AUDI which is such a cool and awesome car and Christian starts up relationship talk but I’m like OMG like Taylor can hear us, you know? And he says it’s all cool because he had Taylor wear an I-Pod.
Alice: While he was driving? That sounds dangerous.
Ana: Oh, he wasn’t listening to rap or anything, so it was fine. Christian said, “Forget he’s here. I do.” Isn’t he sweet? Then we negotiated our relationship and I decided that I like kinky fuckery after all. Yes, I told him, inner goddess, please put down your pom poms. But then I said I didn’t like the canes and whips and how he gets his jollies beating the snot out of me because of crossing some arbitrary line.
Alice: Good for you. And what did he say?
Ana: Well he said the rules weren’t arbitrary because they were written down and I was like well I don’t want rules so he asked if it was alright to spank me and I figured hey that was pretty cool with the vaginal balls so I said okay. And he was happy I was okay with pain after all.
Alice: Wait . . . what?
Ana: For a while, I had no thoughts in my head at all. It was like a computer crash! Can you believe it?
Ana: But then I thought about light and dark again and how I’m totally going to save him but I was worried about his needs, you know? To hit people. And he said he needed me more! And then, oh Alice, he said the most romantical thing OF ALL. He told me, “The thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.”
Alice: I wrote better poetry than that in the 5th grade.
Ana: No, no, he is a genius, and I told him he is so kind, and generous, and he’s never lied to me, and really I was the one who didn’t try hard and he said I was “exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, and beguilingly innocent”!
Alice: You aren’t any of those things.
Ana: And I told him I love him and all I want is to please him and then I got snuggly in his lap and he told me about his horrible childhood! The crack whore – that’s his pet name for his birth mommy – had this pimp that used him as an ash tray, and then his mom killed herself and it took them four days to find them isn’t that awful!
Alice: He calls him mom “crack whore”?
Ana: Then I slept on him and when I woke up he was covered in drool. And he told me that I was going to beg him for sex! And I told him that my boss was taking me out for drinks, because hey, why not, right? And he got kind of mad but then he kissed me and there was melting and a moan and he gave me a present which was all the stuff he gave me before PLUS an Ipad with music that said how he felt about me!
Alice: He gave you a mixed tape? Seriously?
Ana: Yes, and let me tell you all about every app on the Ipad!
Alice: No. Don’t.
Ana: Well, I’ll tell you about all the songs he put on there.
Alice: I don’t care.
Ana: Pooh. Well, once I listened to his love for me, I decided to email him!
Alice: Dear God, no.
Ana: Yes and we went back and forth and back and forth and he is so witty but not quite as witty as me! And when we were done emailing he told me to dream of him and I snuggled up with the Charlie Tango balloon and I wondered if I should make a mixed tape for Christian too.
Alice: Wow. Well I really don’t have any more questions for you. Ever.
Ana: Just let me know! I’ll be glad to gush about Christian any time you . . . oh oh he’s ringing the bell again and somehow everytime I hear it I just have to go! Ta-ta!
I reviewed Blue’s Clues a while back, and I’ve just realized that it is similar in nature to 50 Shades. You see, James drops clues in her book, but not just any clues. These are giant, economy size clues that you couldn’t possibly miss unless you’re as dumb as Blue’s owner. For instance there is the “clue” that Christian has some issues with food that is repeated over and over and over again. Imagine a giant blue pawprint on Ana’s forehead. I do, and it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I also compared 50 Shades to Dora the Explorer because of its repetitiveness, although now that I think of it there are so many other ways it is similar what with that explorer theme and OMG I have been reading these books too long. My point is that these books are as repetitive and obvious as a children’s program, so I figured that with the sequel, 50 Shades Dumber, er, Darker, I would try to spice up the recaps for you guys by having the characters themselves tell you what’s going on in a series of interviews. Covering Chapter 1 is Taylor, Christian Grey’s loyal assistant. Here is the transcript of the interview, written by my subconscious. Inner goddess was the photographer.
Alice: Taylor, thanks for joining us today. So, what’s it like working for Christian Grey?
Taylor: Christian Grey is a good man and an excellent boss. He pays me well and gives great benefits. For instance, not many employers will throw in Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits for free.
Alice: Oh, I almost forgot. I managed to get you in that Witness Protection Program after all.
Taylor: Really? Thank God! I thought I was going to have to start poisoning that freak’s Trojans.
Alice: So you don’t really think he’s a great boss?
Taylor: Are you kidding? The guy is a total whackjob! He has me buy lacy underwear for his victims. Now everyone in Victoria’s Secret thinks I’m a total perv. Who does this? Who makes their employees buy women’s underwear, huh? Who? I mean I realize that there’s that part of the job description that says “and other duties as assigned” but really? He makes me order his S&M supplies. People are starting to wonder why we need so many riding crops when we don’t have horses here. And – and he can’t do anything for himself! I have to bring the idiot his bunny slippers and read him bedtime stories about crack whores!
Alice: That’s . . . interesting. What do you think of his relationship with Anastasia Steele?
Taylor: I liked it better when he had sub of the month. I hate Ana. She’s a jerk to everybody. Even the voices. She’s always talking to those voices in her head. She does this out loud but she doesn’t realize it. Christian thinks her schizophrenia is “cute”. Anyway, she thinks no one can hear her but guess what? I can. And her thoughts are stupid. You know what else I can hear? Their constant boinking in the backseat. What are they, weasels in heat?
Alice: You must have been happy about their breakup then.
Taylor: Ecstatic. But it didn’t last, of course.
Alice: It didn’t?
Taylor: Hell, no. I walked in Christian’s office a few days later and there’s Christian typing out emails to her. That’s really all he does at work. When he’s on the phone talking business, he’s not actually talking to anyone. The phone’s not even on. People just go with it. So he says I have to drive them to his helicopter, which he flies freaking everywhere because he’s such a snobby jerk. He wanted to fly Ana to her friend’s gallery opening so he can be a real douchebag to everyone there, as always.
Alice: But if they were broken up, why was she going with him to her friend’s gallery opening?
Taylor: Because the twit can’t take a bus, apparently. He offered her a ride and it didn’t occur to her to find other transportation. Did I mention she’s an idiot? Okay, so here’s what happened. He told me to drive them, because I have nothing else to do but be his slave, of course. So she gets in the car, and he bitches at her about eating because the girl’s a freaking anorexic but like it’s his business what she eats? So he’s an asshole to her, but in like five seconds the stupid girl’s in his lap. I really don’t know why he didn’t just get a Cocker Spaniel like I suggested.
Alice: It would be hard to tell the difference. So do you know what happened at the gallery?
Taylor: Yeah, I heard about it, because guess what? I’m also his bloody therapist when Flynn’s not around. He was really pissed off because her friend took all these pictures of Ana in different poses. He bought them all, and I have to tell you, they are not that exciting. Girl’s biting her lip and staring off blankly in every one of them. But that lip stuff really revs his engine. After the gallery, he said he got to second base with her in the alley. And then he took her to a restaurant because she was about to die of starvation right in front of him, apparently. He called me to pick them up, again. I was all ready to sit back and watch an episode of Bachelor Pad, too. Story of my life.
Alice: Well, thank you, Taylor, for your time. Hey, look there’s Christian waiting for you. You don’t think he’s been listening in on us, do you?