Tag Archives: 50 Shades Flunked

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Thirteen

I thought about skipping this lesson because thirteen is unlucky, right?  Then I got concerned that maybe that would be the one chapter where James sneakily hid the plot and I would miss it.  So I read it.  Now I wish I’d skipped it.  And the rest of the book.

Yet class must go on!  You may be wondering about the answer to our last question: “In the next chapter A) Slutty realtor shows up and sluts up the place B) Kate is sadfaced because Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana C) Nothing happens or D) all of the above.  As usual, most of you completely missed the mark, but the absolute best at this was Twindaddy with this answer: “Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.”  I laughed so hard Oompa Loompas came out of my nose.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

But the time for laughter is over, cause we’re back to this shitty book.  If you recall, last chapter the Moron Brigade were all on their way to Aspen on Christian’s Bat Jet.  They get to Ana’s house (Zomg she owns a house in Aspen!  Who cares?) and Ana thinks, hey, they’re at a freaking ski lodge, maybe she could learn to ski.  But Christian gets madfaced and says “You might break your neck.” (RedFlag) I’m failing to see the problem here. Kate looks sadfaced and Ana thinks maybe it has to do with that psycho Jack Hyde, then she realizes that this place was designed by Slutty Realtor who had a fling with Christian’s brother (who just happens to be Kate’s boyfriend, keep up)!  Clearly a rival female is cause for much more alarm than a psycho murderer. (AnaFail)

Ana expresses her concern and Christian replies that his brother Elliot “has fucked most of Seattle.” Well, thank goodness.  I was afraid Kate was going to get away without 25 different kinds of venereal disease. (Facepalm) “Mainly women” Christian adds – as a joke.  Cause it’s funny, huh?  The idea that he could be gay.  Talk about a joke! (Double Facepalm)  They joke some more about how terrible it would have been if Christian were some gay freak, as opposed to a straight freak, and yes, James, we get it.  Gay people are funny.  Hee hee. (AliceRage)

Every character should really read this informative book.

Every character should really read this informative book.

Yes, that Christian is sure a prize.  Ana says, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for Cancer, and all three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”  Think about that for a moment.  Hang on a sec.  I’m going to smack my head against a door.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bannnnnnnnggggg!

Okay, I’m back.  That’s just such a perfect description for this guy.  He’s like winning the fucking lottery.  No, wait, he’s like better than a cure for Cancer, you know, that horrible disease that kills millions of people worldwide.  Or a magic lamp, where you could wish for a cure for Cancer, or for millions of dollars, or fuck, a Klondike bar.  He is better than all of this.  Yup.  Yup.  I’m just, not even, you know I just . . . moving on. (Big Freakin’ AnaFail)

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Next up, something horrible happens.  An atom bomb falls and blows up the ski lodge!  Wait, that would be a good thing.  No, the horrible thing is rain.  That’s right.  It dared to rain and spoil their fun (Facepalm).   Fuck you, rain.  But all is not lost.  Mia decides that the girls can do girly stuff, which is shopping, while the boys can do boy stuff, which is fishing.  Just so you’ve got these sex roles straight here.

Well Ana and the girls go shopping and Ana spends enough money to get some pretty good research on that silly Cancer cure going on a dress that doesn’t cover her ass.  Zomg, it’s like so overpriced and poor Ana she has to spend all this money and gosh it makes her so uncomfortable! (AnaFail)  Afterward, Ana sees Elliot across the way and he is talking to Slutty Realtor which must mean they are dun dun dunnnnn having an affair!  Because they’re, like, talking!  I don’t care! (BoredNow)

No, I'm sad.  See.  A tear.  Totally sad.

This is me caring.

They get back to the lodge and Kate and Ana talk about “Cocktailgate” which is code for that time Christian acted like an asshole cause Ana went out for drinks with her friend.  And you know what?  I hear gate thrown on the end of one more word I’m just going to smack that person really, really hard.  Not everything is a gate.  Stop it.

Kate is sadfaced because Elliot is “distant”.  Again, not caring.  There’s more pages to this chapter.  Why?  Ana goes to the garage and blah blahs with Elliot until Christian gets back.  They decide to take a bath but not before sexy times but thank God she skips over it.  My head already hurts from the door.  So moving on . . . they’re taking a bath and Christian kisses her toes and man, I really thought I might make it through without vomiting this time!  They finish the bath and Ana tries on the dress and then, oh shit, not this again.  She emails Christian because he’s totally like two rooms away.

It's just not right.  Why?  Why????

It’s just not right. Why? Why????

Christian comes to check out the dress, and we get to the very best part, the part that makes her “Christian is better than a cure for Cancer” bit sound totes awesome.  Christian notes the edge of the dress is not far from her hoo-ha and just to make sure she gets it, he sticks his . . . hang on.  The door.  Then the toilet.

Thanks a lot, book.

Thanks a lot, book.

Bang, bang, bang, puuuuuuuke.

He sticks his finger up inside her and says “This is mine.”  And I just realized that the AliceScreams deduction, which takes 20 points off, is just not enough for this chapter.  I’m going with the (Ihatethisfuckingbookomghowcanheownhervaginathatsnotrightarghhhh) deduction which is 500 points off.  That’s right.  500 points.  Methinks James will once again fail this chapter.  Oh, but there’s still two more pages.

They all go out to dinner, blah blah, then Elliot asks Kate to marry him which I totally didn’t see coming at all and BAM the chapter is OVER Hallelujah Praise Jehovah and Pass the Buttplugs.

Final Score 100 -18 -500 =-518
Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

pop quiz

In our next installment of This Fucking Book . . . you know, I think I’ll switch it up and ask a Math question.
If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown?  Answer below!

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Twelve

So we’ve made it to chapter twelve.  I knew we could do it.  Don’t look ahead on the syllabus, you’ll only – you did, didn’t you?  Well, it’s your fault that you just realized there are eleventy billion more chapters because E.L. continues to add them in our sleep.

So last time I asked you to fill in the blank of this question “Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.”  I got some creative responses on this one.  And by creative I mean slightly disturbing, as usual. I’m so proud of my students!  I couldn’t choose a favorite, so here they are.

piano

Sad piano. Wah-wahhhhh.

Lesbiannextdoor:  Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!

Speaker 7: The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.

TAE: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!

Womansmdguide: I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!

Miss Four Eyes: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.

Storkhunter: Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.

GiggsMcGillJill: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….

Faithhopechocolate: I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?

Oooh, play it for me, Christipoo!

Oooh, play it for me, Christipoo! *

Of course all of you got it wrong.  Good job!  The correct answer is – well, let’s just get to it and you’ll see that Christian was, like, totally justified in playing sad piano.  And so are we, because we are reading this shit.  Let’s get to it.

We start off exactly where we left off last time, with Ana cuddling with her Christipoo after he tortured her with sexytimes until she used the safe word to make him stop.  Awww. We’d just learned the incredibly important plot point that Christian and Jack Hyde were born in the same town.  That answers so much.  By which I mean nothing.

Ana thinks of Christipoo as a sad little abused Oliver Twist (AliceScreams) again and tells Christian and even he is annoyed by this.  She says she knows he just wants to control her every breath because he wants to protect her (RedFlag, AnaFail), and he says “Yet you still choose to defy me” (RedFlag) Ana ponders this in her tiny, tiny brain and thinks “Holy Cow (AliceScreams), do I do that deliberately?” Yes, Ana, you do, so it’s all your fault that he’s a psycho who will probably kill you.  Of course. (AnaFail, AliceRage)

Please, crackmommy, m'have some more?

Please, crackmommy, m’have s’more?

Ana tells him she safeworded him because she was afraid he wouldn’t stop and Christian says he got “lost in the moment” which is the usual defense for ax murderers, and Ana says “for some bizarre reason the thought pleases me.” (AnaFail)  Crap, Ana, you make it pretty much impossible to feel sorry for you.  Only this book could make me wish for a fictional murder / suicide.

Ana tells him she’ll “try to be more considerate”. (AnaFail) And Christian says he’s sorry he acted like an asshole.  Haha, just kidding!  No he doesn’t.  He falls asleep and has another nightmare about crackmommy or something stupid (AliceScreams).  Ana wakes him up and he mauls her, because nothing heals Christian faster than Anavagina. (FacePalm) He commands her to orgasm, which she does (AliceScreams) AGAIN.  She’s like one of those blow up dolls, only programmable to explode on cue.

ana

Mini Ana Blow-Up Doll.
Get yours now!

They go to sleep again, and Ana wakes up to hear, dun dun dun, Sad Piano! (AliceScreams)  Ana asks what’s wrong with the poor Christipoo puppy?  And he says, “A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife.  She won’t do as she’s told.  She safewords on me.” (WTF, RedFlag)  Talk about problems, man.  I mean, nevermind that you’ve got some guy trying to kill your wife, she won’t sit and stay and sometimes whimpers when you smack her around too much! (AliceRage)  Jeez!

So naturally Ana says “You asshat, you’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops! And stop playing that goddamn piano before I shove those keys up your fucking nose until they pierce your brain!”  Haha, just kidding.  No, Ana says “I’m sorry.” (AnaFail, Facepalm) She asks what his bad dream was about and he tells her she was cold and dead.  A dream or a future forecast?  Who knows?  Gosh, this is fun.

The next morning Ana is all philosophizing about how tortured Christian was and how he tortured her (no seriously, she thinks this) and how she needs to “chart a course” for their love and still keep her “integrity and independence” and I just spat my drink all over the keyboard. (FacePalm)  She’s cute when she’s stupid.

I am strong and independent.  Math is hard.

I am strong and independent. Math is hard.

Christian informs her she has a surprise!  He’s gonna kill her!  Just kidding.  He takes her to his jet (he has a jet cause he is super rich and hott you guyz, omg).  And on the jet is the rest of the Moron Brigade – his stupid brother and sister, and her pal Kate and her brother.  They are flying to Aspen all together!  Whee. (BoredNow)  Ana is so excited she pees on the floor.

Christian decides to have a word with Ana in private on the jet (Now he’s gonna kill her) and throws her over his shoulder and carries her off. (FacePalm)  Omg, that is so cute I could puke.  They blah blah about something, and Ana sees the stewardess is hot and brunette and oh nooos! (FacePalm)  Then Ana blah blahs with Kate about the whole nearly getting dead from Hyde business (BoredNow) and then they tell more about Hyde like that his parents were drunks and he went to Princeton and blah blah I don’t give a crap. (BoredNow) And Christian’s brother makes fun of him (go Elliot) and then we end the chapter on this daring cliffhanger.  Natalia, hot brunette stewardess asks . . . “May I offer anyone coffee?”  Dun dun dunnnn.

Final Score: (calculated by red deductions (-2) and purple AliceScreams deductions (-20)) 100-38 – 100 = -38
I don't want s'more of this crap, thanks.

I don’t want s’more of this crap, thanks.

Get out your number two keyboards!

Get out your number two keyboards!

Next time on The Vaginal Balls of Wrath . . .

A: Slutty Realtor shows up and sluts up the place.

B. Kate is sadfaced cause Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana.

C. Nothing happens.

D. All of the above

*statue of Linus and Lucy is in downtown Paul, MN.  Cool, huh?

So you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole . . .

Hi, ho, it’s Kermit the Frog.  I mean Alice.  Sorry to disappoint.  I wanted to welcome all my new readers.  Hey.  Come back!  Where are you going?  There is some great stuff here, if I can just dig it out.  Wait, that’s a gum wrapper.  Hold on a sec.

When I found out I had gotten Freshly Pressed, I realized that my blog was a mess, so I did what I normally do when someone unexpected visits my house.  I shoved everything into closets.  See those categories on the right?  Closets.  There’s stuff in there, but I haven’t the faintest idea what.  There’s also categories up above.  I’m pretty sure you can find more about my somewhat unhealthy obsession with 50 Shades of Crap up there.  If you dare.  If you’re even more daring, you can look under the Children’s T.V. reviews, but I warn you.  Dora and Bob the Builder are there, and even worse, that scary freaking Cyclops cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba.  Yeah, that’s a show.

The Village Monstersof Yo Gabba Gabba

The Village Monsters
of Yo Gabba Gabba

I have another closet entitled “My Mad Tea Party”.  That one’s safe.  I shoved all my friends and their blogs in there.  Check them out.  I’m certain I’ve left some off because I have ADHD which makes me

Anyway, you can also try checking the comments.  Anyone brave enough to comment here is worth checking out.  Also, anyone who comments is automatically enrolled in Smut University, where I am the one and only professor.  My class is 50 Shades Flunked, and we’re covering 50 Shades Freed.  I am fully qualified to teach because I have multiple degrees (no, seriously, I do).  The way to get ahead here is to comment (i.e. participation).  You can also try answering my questions, but your answers don’t actually have to be correct or anything.  There are many other students, though some of them may not realize they’re enrolled.  So like a real university, pretty much.

My students are a varied bunch.

My students are a varied bunch.

Usually my classes are on Mondays, but I’m a bit behind with the pressing business.  Also this real life of mine has been endlessly entertaining what with my husband getting pneumonia (making this 3 out of 4 family members who’ve had it), my mother having knee replacement surgery, and our plumbing exploding.  And I have a job, but don’t worry, I rarely let that get in the way.

I do plan on getting my lesson plans done as soon as possible.  Meaning as soon as I can stomach another chapter of the Dumb and the Brainless.  There’s a new feature I have planned as well, thanks to the success of my Epic Quest post.  I’m going to post on my weight loss quest on Wednesdays, since that’s the day you get over the hump (supposedly).  As far as other posts, I’m not sure.  I did ask for audience participation, which means you are free to suggest crap for me to cover.  Clearly I will do almost anything here.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

I know there’s something I’m forgetting . . . oh, yes, Sad Pony and Squirrel.  You might be curious about those two.  You might be tempted to think they are just pictures of animals and not real but DON’T.  Ponies and Squirrels are very real, thanks very much.  I’m sure you’ve seen them.  Sad Pony is just another pony, only he’s sort of depressed.  Especially since people keep mistaking him for Eeyore, who is a depressed donkey, not a pony.  And Squirrel is somewhat hyper.  You’ve probably seen him racing across telephone wires on his way to another Squirrel kegger party up in your attic.

See.  He's a real pony.  Shun the disbelievers!

See. He’s a real pony. Shun the nonbelievers!

I'm up in your attic right now.

I’m up in your attic right now.

I guess that about covers it.  Well, it covers what I can think of at the moment.  Stay tuned, it will be interesting.  Or something.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eleven

Oh, good-y it is our first 50 Shades lesson of the New Year!  Try to hold onto that fresh, clean feeling for a few more minutes, cause it’s gonna be gone very soon, my friends.  At the end of the last chapter, our value-less valiant heroine Ana had arrived home to find Christian in those jeans hanging off his hips in that way, if you know what I mean.  Which I don’t.  He told Ana he’d been waiting for her, which from anyone else would mean “I’ve been waiting for you so we can hang out and stuff” but from Christian means “I’ve been waiting for you so I can murder you and stuff.”

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

But first the answer to the last tricky multiple guess question!  Ana’s secret word (everyone scream when she says it!) wasn’t popsickle, although she did use that earlier and it was oh so clever cause once she said Christian’s package was like a popsickle if you remember and if you didn’t look how I grossed you out.  And it wasn’t “feminism is dead” although that seems to be the general theme of this book.  Which leaves “red” as the secret word.  I say secret, cause there is no such thing as safe in these books.

Well, most people didn’t really try to answer the question, which is fine since I don’t pay much attention to the answers, being the totally professional professor of smut that I am.  Twindaddy said “Do you really have to read this for school? If so, you might look into a transfer…”  I wonder if you can transfer out of classes you teach?  I need to look into that, except I don’t think I could get anyone else to teach this without some of Ana’s marital aids being employed.  Bonus point for twindaddy for the suggestion.

But I guess I should get to the actual recap. Yippee.  Okay, so Christian is looming over Ana so of course she’s like “OMG he is so hot” but also “Shit-he’s still mad.” (AnaFail) Look, I think certain guys are really hot.  But I have this little thing called self-preservation that tends to short-circuit the “he’s hot” response when there’s a problem such as, oh I don’t know, my fucking life is in danger! (WTF)  But Ana likes bright shiny objects and big hunky objects, so she’s just screwed. (AnaFail)  Let’s watch and see!

Christian is so shiny.

Christian is so shiny.

So Christian says Ana “defied him” and “went back on her word” by going out with a friend. (RedFlag) What a bitch!  And Ana says she just changed her mind, cause, you know, she’s only a woman. (AnaFail) She also points out that since she was out, she wasn’t there to be kidnapped, and Christian hugs her and is all Zomg I could have lost you and died a thousand deaths (again) and I’m all why?(AliceScreams) Why book couldn’t he have lost her?  I’d like to see that thousand deaths thing!

So then it’s all forgiven, right?  Wrong.  Christian says he wanted to punish her but he was like afraid he might hurt her (you think?) but Ana is all “I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me” because goddamn it she’s a moron. (Red Flag, AnaFail) Ana wants to talk more and Christian presses his erection into her again (AliceScreams) and why do people not notice that thing saluting them all the time? (FacePalm)  They do talk instead of sexytimes at first, which is good and bad cause they’re so fucking boring either way. (BoredNow)  There’s some blah blah about why there’s security, but not much, cause there’s no reason Ana should know anything cause if she did she might do something right which would mean Christian couldn’t punish her for peeing on the rug and stuff.  (RedFlag, WTF)

My sentiments exactly.

My sentiments exactly.

So Christipoo distracts her by saying she needs to eat (AliceScreams) and blindfolds her (cause that’s what you do when you eat) and says he’s going to feed her. (RedFlag) I wonder if he has a gold plated highchair for her.  Don’t forget the bib, Christian, in case she spits up! And he feeds her crap and she gets all hot “down there” in her hot pocket and says her “50 Shades” (AliceScreams) is so “mercurial” (AliceScreams) and James I don’t think that word means what you think it means.  So he goes on with this, like, FOREVER and then says “playroom.”  Everyone scream with Pee Wee! (RedFlag)

There is some foreplay shit and mention of his “happy trail” (AliceScreams) and damn it if I hear that one more time I might consider burning this expensive Nook Color.  Christian cuffs her to the cross on the wall and this reminds me of when they crucified Jesus, except Jesus at least had the dignity of keeping his legs together.  Ana, however, is naked and spread eagled on the torture device. (RedFlag) My heart is all aflutter, you guyz.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

So there’s kissing and sucking (lots of suckage in this book) and teasing and stupid shit and Ana’s going all wild, except he won’t let her have an orgasm. (RedFlag)  I guess it’s because he didn’t order her to, and she’s not sure how unless he gives the command. (AnaFail) He gets her to the brink over and over but pulls back and says “See how frustrating this is” and Ana finally figures out that oh, the psycho is getting his revenge on her with sexytimes. (AnaFail, RedFlag) So Ana finally says the secret word “Red” (everybody screeeeeaaaaaam!) and Christian is all “Oopsie!” and unpins her from the wall.  What a guy.  Ana sobs cause what a week it’s been with a fire, a car chase, an armed lunatic and worst of all a slutty architect messing up her charmed life. (AnaFail) Yes these are all really mentioned in the same thought.

But it’s all okay cause then they cuddle afterwards (What-the-everlasting-fuck?) and Ana says she won’t be so selfish and will call (WTEF) and Christian is all whew and says “Your lips are so soft when you’ve been crying” (WTEF) which I guess is why he likes making her do that so much.  That lip obsession.  Also he’s a psychotic asshole.  So while they cuddle he tells her more about the guy who tried to attack her, which is totally normal pillow talk, and that he had a ton of horse tranquilizer for Ana that will now sadly be wasted and the very important information that Jack was born in Detroit and OMG so was Christian! (WTF)  Was this a plot point?  Oh who gives a shit?  Chapter End.

Final Score: 100 – 46 – 120 = -66

What is Squirrel’s opinion of this chapter?

I'd rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

I’d rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn't it?

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn’t it?

Question 11: (Fill in the blank!)

Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.  There are multiple possible answers for this one!

But WAIT, there’s more crap ahead! We have two new students – twindaddy and Ramblingsfromamum.  At least I think they’re new.  Everyone say “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  Okay, now shut up.  Jill and faith have maintained their lead, though Storkhunter and MissFourEyes are closing in from behind. Cough.  If you’ll notice, Miss Four Eyes received an extra bonus point from Sad Pony.  He mentioned something about a wild party on her blog.  I’m not going to ask.  Now without further ado . . .

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 32 + 3 = 35

faithhopechocolate 31 + 2 = 33

Storkhunter 29 + 1 = 30

MissFourEyes 26 + 3 + 1 Sad Pony Point = 30

Speaker7 22 + 1 = 23

Ravinj 21 +1 =22

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

TAE 7 + 2 = 9

Doggy’s Style  8

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

twindaddy 4 +1 =5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

ramblingsfromamum 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson 10

Wow, we’re back.  Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls?  Did you get lots of good toys?  You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.

But no one said school was supposed to be easy.  No, it’s supposed to be hard.  So hard.  So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard.  It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you?  Why the hell did he name that whale that?  Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?

A “cuddly” classic – just like 50 Shades.

Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite.  In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor.  I mean, she went out drinking with a friend.  And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper.  And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.

Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security.  Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana.  While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know?  Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012.  Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:

“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”

If only, Les, if only.  Have a bonus point.  Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it.  Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance.  I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila.  Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm).  The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope.  Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW.  Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there.  I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).

Ana thinks these are a "marital device".

Ana thinks these are a “marital device”.

We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun!  This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm).  Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops.  She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble.  With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag).  Keep it straight, you guys.

Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag)  The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed.  She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag)  Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF)  They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!)  Gawd, that is so romantic.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm)  We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones  about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet.  With mushrooms and spinach.  And cheese.  I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag).  What a guy.  Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)

Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)

Why the emails?  Look at kitteh!  Look at her!

Why the emails? Look at kitteh! Look at her!

She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink.  Lemmie think here.  They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email.  Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins!  I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)

She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces.  Productive day.  She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom.  Christian says, “Good to have you home.  I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag)  Bwahahahahaha.

Final Score: 100 – 46 60 = -6

She ALMOST made it to Double Jeopardy, but Alex is still not impressed.

 

Here we go again.

Here we go again.

Question Ten:

Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .

Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again.  And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .

A) Red

B) Popsickle

C)Feminism is dead

But WAIT, there’s more!  Exciting times, you guyz.  We have new students who may or may not know they’re students.  Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature.  Yay, me.  Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force!  Jill has assumed the lead, folks.  It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32

faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31

Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29

MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26

Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  7 + 1 = 8

TAE 5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Nine

I really liked your Kate and Ana Excellent Adventures, you guys.  Especially this one by TAE:

“My bet is they take C’s shiny car, drive around, start making out (in the car, in public or something), A gets grossed out, remembers poor C, and returns to give him a bj…am I right? Am I right?
I feel like I must be…”

It would certainly be more interesting than the book.   TAE also adds that “we should totally write some anti-fan fiction here.”  I like this idea.  A lot.  Except my book would be oh so short.  Bonus point anyway, TAE.

But back to the sad, sad reality that Ana’s adventure is a trip to the – take a guess A) Bar B) Bar C) AA meeting.  Nope, it’s not Alcoholics Anonymous, which leaves just alcohol.  Since Ana and Christian can’t be vampires, I think this is E.L. James’ solution.  They live on booze instead of blood.  Makes sense to me.  Except that neither of them is a fun drunk.  They’re just assholes all the time (Red Flag, FacePalm).

Every day is New Year’s for Christian and Ana.

We start with Ana waking up with Christian “wrapped around her like ivy” again.  (AliceScreams, WTF)  I don’t know about you, but this would freak me the hell out, especially considering he’s a fucking psycho.  Also, I’m sick of all the “wake up in each other’s arms after they – you know – wink, wink, giggle!” (AliceScreams)  We get it.  They boned each other (I don’t normally use this term for sex, but for these two, it is so appropriate) for the millionth time.  It’s okay to skip these little bits, really it is.

Christian and Ana in the afterlife (after someone kills them.)
Christian: Want to bone? (get it? Do you?)

Christipoo wants to bone her again but alas, he must get up and show off his bod, which is, like, naked you guyz and omg can you believe it that is so sexy and daring and what if her mom finds out omg! Ana says “It’s a mighty fine view, Mr. Grey” (AliceScreams, AlicePukes) meaning it’s a great view up his ass in case you were confused.  He can’t resist her cleverness, so he bones her (SexyTimes), but we don’t have to see it, whew.

Ana is so embarrassed to see Mrs. Jones at breakfast because, like, she kissed Taylor, which cracks me the hell up because yello, Mrs. Jones has to clean the butt juice off your butt plugs, Ana-kins (Ana Fail).  You don’t have room to talk.  And I can’t believe I said butt juice.  Combined with “bone, boned, boning” I am really going to get the freaks to this blog this time.  Christian points out that she didn’t eat yesterday.  So, like, AT ALL?  WTF with the anorexia fetish, E.L.? Stop it, stop it, stop it. (AliceRage)

Yes, we get it. Ana’s anorexic.
Which is clearly sexy, amIright?

Then they talk about Charlie Tango again (AliceScreams) and how Ana nearly, gulp, lost him and stop reminding me, E.L., that happened to be my favoritest part of the book before you made him all alive again and now you’re just making me Sad Pony, so stop it.  Stop writing.  Stop, stop, stop!

Ah, happy memories.
‘sob’

Sorry about that.  Where was I?  They talk about Christian’s gun, and how Christian doesn’t even know if a gun is loaded or not (WTF?) and then Ana drops this bombshell.  “Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast.  I don’t know why.” (FacePalm)  Neither do I, Ana.  Holy fuck, is this a plot point?  Does Christian have bionic teeth, is THAT why he brushes them before breakfast?  Or does he just like the combo of toothpaste and “thirst-quenching, refreshing orange juice”?  I just don’t know.  Don’t leave us hanging with this mystery!

So they drive to work, and we get them talking on the way, because God forbid we ever skip anything pointless like a car ride. (BoredNow) Ana nags Christian to learn how to shoot but Christian refuses and Ana-kins, think about this.  He can kill you so many other ways.  Do you really want him to learn one more way to murder you?  Cause I do.  Way to go.  Keep at him, Ana! (AnaFail)

Christian’s gun.

Finally, she’s at work, but we skip most of that because – EMAIL! (AliceScreams)

Why don’t you do this crap to Squirrel, Alice?

So they email flirt about guns and threats of retribution and other romantic crap (BoredNow) and then Christian calls her to tell her he arrived at wherever he was going for his super-de-businessy businessman trip and Ana says she and Kate are going to screw an entire hockey team, then each other, then a pony (not Sad Pony, he has standards) then a toaster, then a football team and their cheerleading squad, and then go get a few drinks.  Just kidding, she just says she and her friend are going out for drinks, so of course Christipoo is super pissed cause omg she might be in danger if she goes out!  Plus, she’d be exercising, like, free will and shit.  Can’t have that. (RedFlag) He tells her to “do as she’s told” and then follows up with an email that says “do as you’re told” in case she didn’t get it the first time. (RedFlag)  Gosh, I lurrve this guy.

And then boom, Ana’s all done with work!  No need to hear about the coloring pages, cause it’s time for her to go see her friend while “a huge chunk of her is missing” because Christian is gone. (FacePalm)  Which chunk of you did he take with him, Ana?  Was it your pickled liver?  A kidney?  We know it can’t be a brain or a spine.  Does he keep parts of you in an ice chest close to his heart?  Just curious, there.  Kate shows up and Ana says I can’t go out for drinks and Kate says please so Ana says okay because she bends like a reed at the slightest sneeze. (AnaFail) Our heroine.  She’s so dead.  Can’t wait!

Which chunk of Ana did Christian take?

Ana and Kate ignore security and go a-drinkin’ and Kate tells Ana all this security crap that Christian is keeping from her and I forget what it is because it’s freaking stupid and I don’t care. (BoredNow)  Kate tells Ana she looks super confident cause she’s married (and who wouldn’t be, amIright?) and Ana thinks about how she’s married the man of her dreams who is probably waiting at the apartment to kill her with a butcher knife cause he’s anti-gun, ya know. (FacePalm, RedFlag)

She finds out she’s missed five calls from Mr. Dreamy and one email . . .(AliceScreams)

I hate you, Alice.

That says “Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?  See you tomorrow.”  (RedFlag) Bwahahaha.  Ana, if you get home and all the towels are lined up just so, get the fuck out.  I’m telling you, Julia Roberts told me all about it and you don’t want to go there.  On second thought, go ahead.  Let’s see what happens.

Ana gets home and realizes something isn’t right, and I’m thinking – towels – but it turns out that some flower vases are smashed so the Scooby Security Squad goes into Code Blue, which I kinda thought was when someone was crashing in a hospital, but whatever, and it turns out that dum dum dummmm – they’ve caught Jack Hyde! (BoredNow, FacePalm)  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 44 120 = – 64
An improvement - but still in the minus.Sad.

An improvement – but still in the minus.
Sad.

pop quiz

Question Nine:

After finding out an armed Jack Hyde has broken into his apartment, Christian naturally decides to:

A) Get better security for his apartment.  He hires Leila, since she’s obviously better at knowing all the entry points and security codes than his current Scooby Security Force.

B) Beat the shit out of Ana for disobeying his order not to leave the apartment to have drinks with a friend the very night an armed gunman broke into the apartment intent on kidnapping her.

C) Shoot Jack, shoot Ana, then shoot himself.

But WAIT, there’s more!  Faithhopechocolate has jumped up to Valedictorian!  Storkhunter and GiggsMcGill Jill are tied for Salutatorian!  And Miss Four Eyes is in fourth place and so very close.  Sad Pony has his hoof over my head, and says, not close enough.  We must be fair though.  Here’s our roll call.

Roll Call!

faithhopechocolate 24 + 5 = 29

Storkhunter 28

GiggsMcGill Jill 24 + 4 = 28

MissFourEyes 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 19 + 1 = 20

Speaker7 19 + 1 = 20

Carrie Rubin  17 + 2 = 19

Lesbiannextdoor 11

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

TAE 1 + 3 + 1  = 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Eight

Stupid, fucking book.  Oh, hi, didn’t know you were there.  Isn’t this a stupid, fucking book?  That could be every one of my recaps.  This is a stupid, fucking book.  And I bet I am going to get some awesome search terms after this.

Stupid fucking book . . . hey, I get 50 Shades every time! Also sexy pony pics!

You know how last time I was all pissed because Christian was being an abusive asshole?  Well, this chapter Ana takes over the bitch role.  God, they deserve each other.  So the answer to our last question was obviously A) Ana bitched a bitchfest.  Hooray.  There were many excellent comments, but for incredible enthusiasm, not to mention going above and beyond the call of  sanity, I have to award the bonus point to GiggsMcGill Jill this time.   She proposed a love story to rival Ana and Christian.

“Your next project: Amor Under the Sea
Protagonists/love couple: Spongebob and Dora
Antagonists/bad couple: Swiper and Squidword”

Now that you’ve got that muy disturbiano vision in your head, you’re all set up for the recap.  We start off with a detailed description of the sexy realtor. (BoredNow)  Really, James?  She will spend countless hours describing stupid shit no one cares about.  She’s a fucking realtor, not a main character. (WTF) Ana and Sexy Realtor start sizing each other up like female cats in heat. (FacePalm, AnaFail)  To let her know Christian is all HERS, Ana squeezes his ass right in front of her. (AnaFail).  As she gets their wine, cause it’s been like ten minutes since they had alcohol (AliceScreams), she thinks “He’s mine.  Yeah, bitch, mine.” (AnaFail)  Maybe Ana should just say that out loud and grab Christian’s crotch.  That would send a message.  Also, I’d enjoy it, especially if she really crushed his balls in the process.  Win, win situation.

I’m guessing this is her mouse pad.

So Ana keeps on about how this Sexy Realtor is “eye-fucking” her husband, and this annoys her, so she decides to grow a spine.  Not with Christian, with the realtor, naturally.  When Christian leaves for a moment, Ana says “But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.” (FacePalm, AnaFail)  Meowwww, hisssss!  Get her girlfriend!  You go girl!  This is like just like that time on Jerry Springer when the crack hos were fightin’ over that deadbeat pimp.  Ah, memories.

Ana and Sexy Realtor Get Real!

Then there’s this blah blah conversation with Christian where she talks about her needs and he totally ignores them (BoredNow) and tells her how to feel and “smiles his beautiful, boyish yes-I-really-am-kinda-young smile.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  But then comes something exciting, something “of gravest importance” to Christian.  He wants her to cut his hair.  Oh, she has to be fucking with me.(FacePalm, BoredNow)

Christian says, “It will make me feel cherished.” (AlicePukes)  Yeah, I’d like to cherish you, Christian, by poking the scissors in your eyeball.  Ana puts shampoo on his hair and says “It smells of you.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  Does he smell like bullshit, Ana, cause that’s what I’m smelling right now.  And then more of the damn hair washing and Christian starts sticking his hands up her skirt. (BoredNow)  I didn’t see that one coming, did you?  He tells her he’s going to “fuck you seven shades of Sunday” which was what Ana promised him when she was trying to get him the fuck out of her office.  But it’s too good a line not to repeat again and again and again. (AliceScreams)

I’ll just take a little off the tip . . . I mean top, of course.

So they screw each other again. (SexyTimes, AliceScreams) There’s “clenching” and “pining” and “teasing” and “pulling” and “puking.” (AliceScreams) Oh, wait, that last one might have been me.  His erection “springs free” and I’m imagining a slinky.   BOING!  Wow, it really IS the world’s most wonderful toy!   (AliceScreams) And Christian says “You like?” and Ana says she’s hungry and . . . oh, crap, not again.  It’s just too bad they don’t have penises on the menu more often, because wow, Christian would never have to nag her about eating again. (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  So she blows him and then there’s more cuddly I love you more, no I love YOU more (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) and he says “You’re a mighty fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams) and Ana puts on his shirt and goes to find scissors, which all this time have NOT been in the bathroom.(FacePalm, WTF)  How the hell was she going to cut his damn hair and oh just nevermind.

Fun for a girl and a boy! Boing!

So this gives her the excuse to run across the house like Tom Cruise and stumble upon Mrs. Jones and Taylor kissing.  Which is some major plot point? (WTF, BoredNow) Wait, no, it’s not.  It has nothing to do with the story, except to give Ana the chance to insult people again with her “But Mrs. Jones is older than Taylor!”  Yeah, isn’t it, like, illegal for a woman to date a man younger than she is?  Mrs. Jones, that horny old cougar! (AnaFail, WTF.)  They talk about Taylor and his daughter blah blah blah and finally she cuts his damned hair and it only took like twenty pages (SoBoredAliceCouldShoveScissorsUpHerNose).

So Ana then ponders whether Christian would let her tie him up and noooo of course not because you know, starving child issues, which is so totally not bullshit. (FacePalm)  And Ana feels sad for poor widdle Christipoo (AliceScreams) and thinks “Oh, Fifty, fifty, fifty,” (AliceScreams) because that is such an appropriate nickname for someone. (FacePalm) Hey, fuckup, how’s it going?  Come to think of it, maybe it’s the perfect nickname – for both of them.  End Chapter.

Final Score: 100-54 220 = -174

This was Achy Breaky BAD.

Question Nine:

In chapter 9, Ana and Kate go on a totally Thelma and Louise adventure!  I won’t give away what they do but guess what you will never guess – it pisses Christian off! I think considering how assholish Christian is about the tiniest infraction, like peeing without permission, she should have totally gone all out and screwed Taylor and the rest of the security team.  And Kate.  Also a few barnyard animals.  At least I think so.

Essay Question: If you were Ana, what would you do on your Thelma and Louise / Ana and Kate adventure?

But WAIT there’s more!  We now have a tie for salutatorian!   And it’s neck and neck for the third place title, which you’ll all remember from school is – nada.  But don’t give up!  We still have lots and lots of lessons to go.  Lots. And.  Lots.

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 27 + 1 = 28

faithhopechocolate 22 + 2 = 24

GiggsMcGill Jill 14 + 9 + 1 = 24

MissFourEyes 18 + 2 = 20

Ravinj 18 + 1 =19

Speaker7 18 + 1 = 19

Carrie Rubin  17

Lesbiannextdoor 10 + 1 = 11

Love and Lunchmeat 9

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 5 + 1 =6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 4 + 1 = 5

Doggy’s Style  4 + 1 =5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

TAE 1

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Seven

*Warning: The following recap contains material unsuitable for children or adults or any animal and plant life and should be read with extreme caution.  Names of right wing politicians are thrown about as curse words.  I’m just sayin’

I hate this book.   Hate.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.  Hate, hate, hate.  Really, there should be a better word for this, something far more insulting.  Something like – I Fox News this book.  Yes, that’s it.  Fox Newssssssss!  Bill O’Reily!  Ann Coulter!  Hell, at this point, I’m pulling out the big guns.  RUSH LIMBAUGH.

Now I’m just getting scary.

Okay, enough dirty talk.  You’re probably wondering about your essay questions.  There were some really good ones (so says Sad Pony who reluctantly agreed to help when I showed him that bottle of Elmer’s.)  But the best one came from Miss Four Eyes.  I would say he was biased, but I had to agree with him on this one.  She said:

“This books makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep for the world. For the authors that write even slightly better that James and haven’t gotten published, for the people who like the book and use it as their sex bible, for the children because they are being raised in a world with such suckage out in the open, and for myself because I read it.”

Yes, James, what about the CHILDREN?  Plus one bonus point, Miss Four Eyes.

Okay, let’s get to it.  When last we left our demented duo, absolutely nothing was happening and this continues into the next chapter.  Oh, sure, smart Ana identified Jack Hyde as the culprit (Christian is madfaced that she could identify him because that meant she looked at another man)(Red Flag), but pretty much everyone else knew by now except the two of them.  I bet Taylor knew.  I bet Taylor is working with Jack, cause Taylor seems fairly competent, yet keeps screwing up.  Or does he?  Hmmm.

There’s a bunch of blah, blah and more of that “are you hungry for food or – ya know – wink wink.” (AliceScreams)  Ana is pouty because Mrs. Jones is in the kitchen doing her fucking job, but she’s eager to let Ana make Christian “sub” sandwiches – do you get it?  Ana cleverly makes a joke about sexual slavery, cause “submissive” and “submarine” both . . . nevermind. (AnaFail, FacePalm)  Christian says he likes his woman barefoot in the kitchen (of course) (Red Flag) but Ana adds in “barefoot and pregnant?” and Christian gets all freaky and oh GEE, could this be foreshadowing?  It’s so goddamn subtle I’m not sure. (FacePalm)

I can totally see this happening to Ana.

Then they talk about the house blah blah (BoredNow) and Ana wonders if they should add a playroom to their family home (Sure, why the fuck not?  Traumatize your children.  It’s fun.) (AnaFail, FacePalm).  They decide to watch X-Files on T.V. (BoredNow) and Ana asks Christian if he’s ever “made out” and he hasn’t but Ana has and . . . what? (WTF)  This is the girl that had never pleasured herself or even fucking held hands with someone.  But she’s been frenching guys?  Nevermind. (FacePalm) Shockingly, Christian is disturbed that anyone else has had his tongue in Ana’s mouth, so he makes the fun makeout session into something terrifying, and not just because of the multiple baseball references (RedFlag).

He starts sexing her up, while interrogating her about boys she dated in freaking high school (Red Flag).  “Did he do this?  Touch you like this?” (RedFlag)  Christian shoves his finger up her “down there pee-pee” again (AliceScreams) and Ana says that making out doesn’t involve sex, which Christian totally understands.   “Homerun,” he says, shoving his baseball bat sized peen inside her (Red Flag).  What a guy.

Silly Ana tries to argue with Christian and reflects that, “I am Anastasia when I am in trouble just like at home with my mother.” (Red Flag, AnaFail)  Bing, bing, bing, bing!  There’s a clue, Ana!  Do you see it?  Do we need to bring in Blue from Blue’s Clues to help you out there?

You left your self-respect WHERE now, Ana?

Finally, Ana goes back to her fucking job, which if you will recall, is as Editor, a position she, a recent college graduate, was promoted to after a week. (WTF)  Elizabeth – who I think was Jack’s boss?  Or coworker?  I’m not sure what she does – comes in her office and acts all freaky weird, but she’s a woman, so Ana brushes it off (AnaFail) and gets to the important stuff.  Like emailing Christian. (AliceScreams)

Uh oh, Kitty’s head . . . can’t . . . take . . . pressure.

Turns out Christian is concerned with important matters.  No, not the recent arson committed at his home, silly, it’s about Ana not taking his last name! (RedFlag)  Here is where Alice starts to shout “LIMBAUGH” over and over at the top of her lungs, so be prepared.  She tells him she wants to keep her name at work and that they’ll discuss it later, so Christian respects her by showing up at her workplace and barging into her office (RedFlag).

You GO, Christian!

He starts out calling her one of his “assets” (Red Flag) that needs to be “rebranded.” (RedFlag)  Aw, how cute!  Her assistant (Ana has an assistant.  Of course she does.) is all breathless over Christian, of course (AliceScreams) and Ana is annoyed with this, of course (AliceScreams).  Christian enunciates “Ms. Steele” several times, cause he’s an asshole (RedFlag) but Ana actually says “You were rudely interrupting my workday to fight with me about my name.”  Yep, that about covers it, asshat.  Naturally, Christipoo sees nothing wrong with this, and, get ready, says “I like to make the odd impromptu visit.  It keeps management on their toes, wives in their place.” (FUCKING RED FLAG, AliceRage).  LIMBAUGH with an ANN COULTER on top!  FOX NEWS!!!!

Still with me?  Or did you fall back to the 1950s for a moment, cause I think I did. (WTF)  Ana is actually annoyed with this comment, so I’m sure she’s going to follow through and tell Christipoo what she thinks of him by sticking his package in the door jam and slamming the door several times.  Right, right?  Let’s see.  Ana asks AGAIN if they can please talk about this later (AnaFail), and Christian figures, hey, he’s here, why not now? (RedFlag)  You’re only here, asshole, cause you came uninvited.   Ann Coulter! (AliceRage)

Now, now, this would never have happened if Ana had just stayed home like she should. You know, like I do.

Ana says she has work to do (those coloring pages are NOT going to color themselves!) so Christian pulls out Manipulation Device #3: You hurted my feelings, and asks if she’s “ashamed of him” (RedFlag) and Ana worries that he’s suddenly cold after having been such a peach on the honeymoon. (AnaFail) She also reflects on a lot of stuff I’m raging about, but DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. (AnaFail, AliceScreams, AliceRage)  She asks why it’s important, but duh, we know why, and Christian answers “Because you’re mine” (RedFlag)  Yup, Christian done bought you, Ana-kins; you can know be known as Ana Grey™.  He explains that marrying him was not enough, oh no, he says “I want your world to begin and end with me.” (RedFlag)

Yup, Ana, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough, short of signing over your entire body and soul, and even then he’s not going to trust you.  Fuck, Ana, surely you must watch Lifetime movies, right? (AnaFail) Guess what, you’re in one, and those movies don’t end well, idiot.  Naturally, Ana feels sorry for poor Christian, cause once he was abused and guess what? (AnaFail)  Millions of people across the planet have been abused, many much more heinously than Christipoo, and they don’t act like psycho assholes! (AliceRage)  ROMNEY / RYAN!

And then she said, “I have rights too.” And we laughed and laughed and laughed.

But hey, Christian is such a dreamboat, which is why Ana says to herself, “I must not cry.  I must not cry.” (RedFlag)  She tells him she doesn’t want his name because then they might think he got her the job and omg guess what you will never guess!  Turns out Christian did get her the job, which is so surprising, because I thought every brand new assistant got given a full Editor’s job with absolutely no fucking experience. (AnaFail)  Hell, the janitor probably had more experience.  But, don’t worry, Christipoo won’t use this as a way of putting her in her place oh yes of course he will. (RedFlag)

After making her feel like she’s shit, he tells her she’s “risen to the challenge” and I’m like, yeah right, she made him rise, maybe, but she’s an idiot.  A monkey could do a better job, even if he did throw shit around the office. (FacePalm)  But if you’re rich, talent doesn’t matter, and Christian tells his “errant wife” he’s giving her the company as a present. (WTF)  Yay!  Ana says that, at 22 and just recently graduated, and oh yeah, a total fucking moron, she doesn’t know squat about running a business but Christian says sure she does cause she likes to read! (FacePalm)  Yes!  Of course.  That’s how I got to be a librarian, you know.  I liked to read.  That’s all we fucking do, and I’m sure that’s all editors do, sit around and read all day.  This goddamn book. (AliceRage) Limbaugh, Limbaugh, Limbaugh.  O’Reily.  Limbaugh.

See this bear? It could run a business better than Ana – or ANY woman, am I right?

I realize this is longer than most of my reviews, but guyz, the shit just keeps getting’ better.  Christian gives her the “how you doin’” look (Manipulation Device #4: Sexy Times) (AliceScreams) and I’m like OMG they are going to do it on the desk please kill me now but Ana says no and for some reason Christian doesn’t rape her this time.  He does keep irritating her until she agrees to take his name, at which point he claps for himself and says “Mission Accomplished” which is just as bad as when George W. said it and half of the free world wanted to kick his ass for being a douchebag. (RedFlag)

Ana feels like she’s “been run over by a freight train” but doesn’t see this as any kind of warning or anything, because she’s a moron. (AnaFail)  Instead, she decides to solve the problem by . . . emailing! (AliceScreams)

Oh, here we go AGAIN. Kittens aren’t cheap, people.

After work, she’s pissed at Christian, which I’m sure will last, yeah right.  (AnaFail) Christian laughs at her, but then realizes she might keep being mad, so he’d better pull out another manipulation device, stat, and says “I have issues” cause that’s always a good excuse. (RedFlag) You can’t blame me for getting stoned and running over my neighbors.  I have ISSUES, okay, you guyz?  Christian then tells her she’s “Like a priceless asset, like a child.” (RedFlag, AliceRage) and Alice says WTF, seriously that is just so damned appropriate.  (WTF)  Since she’s his “child” he tells her she can take out her rage on him in bed later and WTF, James, just WTF. (RedFlag)

But let’s concentrate on what’s most important.  The realtor is coming over, and she’s hot, so Ana must compensate by dressing like a tramp. (WTF, FacePalm)  Christian turns on the classical music, a requiem (how fucking appropriate) and I bet this is on the soundtrack oh goooody!  They dance, and SHOCK, Ana forgives him, just before the evil good looking realtor woman arrives at the door.  END CHAPTER.

Final Score:100-106 = (-6) –160 = -166

Now that’s just impressive, folks.  What can I give that?

I give it a Limbaugh.

Question Eight:  What happens in Chapter 8?
A) Ana acts like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitchfest.

B) Taylor and Mrs. Jones do it on the piano and the table and the kitchen counter to get even and Ana says ewwww.

C) While cutting Christian’s hair, Ana accidentally cuts off his package.  Oopsies!

But WAIT, there’s MORE!  I’ve had to close comments Saturday evening so Sad Pony can count for me.  It’s getting tight!  We have a three-way going.  Um, a three-way TIE for third place.  Anyway, here are our current standings:

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 24 +2 + 1 = 27

faithhopechocolate 20 + 1 + 1 = 22

Ravinj 16 + 1 + 1 = 18

Speaker7 15 + 2 + 1 = 18

MissFourEyes 14 +1 + 1 + 2 = 18

Carrie Rubin  15 + 2 = 17

Giggles McGill Jill 6 + 5 + 3 = 14

Lesbiannextdoor 10

Love and Lunchmeat 5 + 4 = 9

The Bumble Files 4 + 2 = 6

Angel Fractured 5

Jemmy 5

StetotheJ 4

Ruby Tuesday 4

Doggy’s Style 1 + 1 + 2 = 4

Jen and Tonic 3 + 1 = 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

50 Shades of Extra Credit!

For Update 2  I announced that extra points could be awarded for interesting posts.  I got some.  Also, to be fair, I went back and found my favorite comments from past posts.  They ranged in content from kissing up to me to flirting with depressed ponies to sex with hamsters and Crisco.  Talk about a fun bag of flaming vaginal balls.  Check it out.

Contest Update 2

Miss Four Eyes –

“I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?”

Sad Pony and Squirrel say two thumbs up – 2 extra points

Love and Lunchmeat

Dear Mrs. Alice,

Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.

With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
L & L

Flattery will get you everywhere.  Plus 1 point!

Storkhunter –

“Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?”

Excellent suggestions for possible diplomas.  Plus 1 point!

Jen and Tonic –

“If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?”

Alice is still waitin’ on that money.  Plus one point.

Lesson Five

We got some awesome fill-in-the-blank comments on this one.  They made my “down there” so happy.  The questions were:

5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.

5B: Christian gives Ana a present.  It is a  ________.

5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.

Speaker 7 –

5A: vat of crisco
5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls

thelesbiannextdoor –

5A: hamster

5B: golden vaginal ball

5C: million dildos

StetotheJ –

5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.

Carrie Rubin

Only answered one, so I guess it goes for all three.  “Chipmunk”

Miss Four Eyes

5A. A rattlesnake
5B. Slave girl uniform
5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot

The Bumble Files

5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool

Ravinj

A. Kitten
B. Kitten
C. Kitty litter.

GiggsMcGill Jill

5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
5B: a brain
5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)

Jemmy

A: security guard
B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
C: Piano

Storkhunter

a) buttplug
b) buttplug
c) buttplug

faithhopechocolate

Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…

They were all so good, I couldn’t choose one.  Plus 3 points for everyone.

Lesson Four

This time the question was True or False!

Question 5A:  Ana is the worst character in the history of ever.  True/False

Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.  True / False

Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next.  True / False

faithhopechocolate

“Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.

True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!”

Brain cell suicide description is so lyrical! Plus 1 point!

Lesson Three

Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?

(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango!  She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames.  Ka-boooooom!

(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.

(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.

Speaker 7

“Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.”

 Speaker has such a way with words.  Plus one point for flaming vaginal balls!

faithhopechocolate

“You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.”

I appreciate the concern but is to fine me.  Plus point one!

Lesson Three

Question Two: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?

A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.

B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.

C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard.  Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.

Thelesbiannextdoor

“And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!

Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!”

You’re welcome.  Plus one point.

Love and Lunchmeat

“P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.”

Yes, it does.  Plus one point

Contest Update 1

Speaker 7

“I gather from your post that I have read these books. Is that true? I don’t think I have. I have a distant memories of disintegrating panties and jet skis, but I’ve been drinking a lot of Robitussin so I’m blaming them on that.”

I’d rather drink cough syrup than think about disintegrating panties.  Plus one point.  Off to find the NyQuil.

Lesson One

Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?

  1. Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams.  Romance!
  2. The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
  3. Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.

Speaker 7

“I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.””

Done and Done

Intro Post: Back to School

Ravinj

“I’m going with B.
Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.

You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!”

True.  I was weird even then.  True /false idea was awesome.  Plus one point.

New class rankings as of Update 2 (not including Lesson Six) w/ bonus points.  WTF is Alice doing?  What are all these numbers?  Enjoy!

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 14 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 3 + 3 + =24

faithhopechocolate 13 + 1 +1 +1 +1 + 3 = 20

Ravinj 7 + 1 + 4 + 3 +1  = 16

Carrie Rubin  9 + 2 + 1 + 3 = 15

Speaker7 6 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 1 +1  = 15

MissFourEyes 6 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 = 14

Lesbiannextdoor 5 + 1 + 3 +1 = 10

Giggles McGill Jill 2 + 1 + 3 = 6

Angel Fractured 5

Love and Lunchmeat 3 +1+1 = 5

Jemmy 1 + 1 + 3 = 5

StetotheJ 1 + 3 = 4

Ruby Tuesday 4

The Bumble Files 1 + 3 = 4

Jen and Tonic 1 + 1 +1 = 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

Doggy’s Style 1

As you can see, Storkhunter has maintained her lead, and for a while it looked like faithhopechocolate was going to lose her rank to Ravin, but at the last minute, boom, she’s back in second.  The excitement makes me wanna pee – except I was told not to – wait, I’m not Ana Steele.  Keep it up, kiddos!  See you in class next week!  There is nothing wrong with my mental state!

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Six

Oh my God.  I officially hate sex scenes now.  And I’m no prude.  I mean, I’ve read the romance books – er, I’ve turned to the middle of the book and read the sex scenes.  Don’t look at me like that, so have you.  But sex is literally all these people do, at least when they’re not involved in some idiot afterthought plot device.  And it got old in the first book.

Anyway, I thought it was bad enough in Book One when we got the tampon scene.  Then in Book Two we got the ice cream as a douche scene.  But this . . . this one . . . just . . .  I don’t even.

Let’s answer the questions.  Actually all three have the same answer.  5A: Christian and Ana use a buttplug.  5B: The buttplug is Christian’s “gift” (thanks honey!) 5C: And then Ana obsesses about how to clean the butt sauce off of the buttplug.  Truly, this book deserves the Pulitzer Prize, people.

Now if he were just tied to the table, this award would be even better.

Chapter 6 starts with Christian and Ana heading for the playroom, and holy crap I wish this were Pee Wee’s playroom because anything would beat this shit. (FacePalm)  Also, we could all yell at the top of our lungs every time they say the secret word (the secret word is “fuck” kids).  Ana thinks about how Mrs. Jones has been cleaning in there again and oh how embarrassing (AnaFail) and I’m thinking that surely Mrs. Jones could find another job, any other job, that was better than this one.  I don’t care how much he pays her.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!  Don’t clean another buttplug!  They cannot take your Freee-dom!

Even Mel Gibson thinks this is messed up.

So then comes the Sex (Sexy Times, BoredNow, AlicePukes).  Ana gets down to her “lacy bra and panties” and Christian says “You’re a fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams).  Then he promptly sticks his face in her crotch (AlicePukes) and says “And you smell of me and sex” (AlicePukes, RedFlag)  Yuck.  We get it, Christian, you marked her with your pee two books ago.(RedFlag)  Shut up.  And get your face out of there.  You know where it’s been. (AlicePukes)

Ana reflects that he is so “naughty (AnaFail) which is her way of saying “creepy” I guess.  Christian orders her to turn away from him and says, shit, “We aim to please Mrs. Grey, and you wanted a surprise.” (AliceScreams, Red Flag).  Again with the royal we.  How many personalities does Christian have? (Red Flag)  I don’t want to know.

Ana lusts after “barefoot Christian” (AliceScreams) again.  WTF with the foot fetish, E.L.? (WTF)  He opens the drawer of sex toys and Ana thinks “Toys! Oh, I love, love, love this anticipation!” (AnaFail)  Yes, anticipation is right.  Like how one anticipates a root canal.  Also, I have a bad feeling this toy is not going to be a Barbie doll.   At least, God, I hope not.

No, don’t put Dr. Barbie there! She’s not that kind of doctor!

Now for the spankings! (RedFlag) Wheee!  Ana gets to lay across a table with instructions not to let go or breathe or anything unless she wants him to hit her, which she does, because she’s Ana (AnaFail, Red Flag).  We hear about her feeling “his erection pressing against his jeans” (AliceScreams) and I wonder whether he is ever not erect.  Surely people notice him walking along like a sundial all the time. (WTF)

Christian’s says “I see you’re very wet, Ana” (AliceScreams) and I wonder if she’s ever not wet.  She probably has to wear Depends all the time (WTF).  Then he shoves his fingers in her and says “Mine” (AliceScreams).  Yup, she’s all yours, Christian.  Try not to break her too fast, cause you’ll never find an animate inflatable doll like that again.(FacePalm)

And then, dun dun dun, he puts lube on her butt, and Ana thinks “Is he going to fuck my ass? (AnaFail, AlicePukes)  Ana talks about him lubricating her “there” (AliceScreams) and now we’ve got her calling her vagina and her butthole “there” which is going to get confusing.  She needs a “there pee-pee” and a “there go poop-poop”) so we can keep stuff straight.  Christian pulls out her present which is a buttplug! (FacePalm)  Remember guys, these make great stocking stuffers for that special lady in your life!

Merry Christmas!

Ana says “Oh, my” (AliceScreams) and “Holy Crap” (AliceScreams) and “Ah!” (AliceScreams) and has a detailed description of the buttplug swirlin’ around in her butt (AlicePukes) and Iwonder how far in the minus her grade will be this time.  We hear the “telltale sound of his zipper opening” (AliceScreams) because this has become her new code for “prepare for re-entry” because they’re married and married peoples don’t use condoms.  There’s more “Fuck!” and “Oh, baby” (AliceScreams) and Ana is spinning and falling into her orgams (AliceScreams) and finally the scene is freaking over.  THIS is what women are getting all hot over.  THIS.

They talk about being “thoroughly well fucked” (AliceScreams) and boy, they aren’t the only ones.  They take a bath together and Ana’s bobo stings, but only for a tiny bit cause she’s a snowflake, remember (FacePalm).  We get a way too long bit about Ana trying to sneakily clean the buttplug (BoredNow) and complaining that the housekeeper keeps wanting to help her – gee, I feel her pain. (AnaFail)  Christian doesn’t want her to go back to work, but she does, cause hey, she’s the Editor now, of course. (WTF)

It’s still not quite over yet.  She finds pictures Christian took of her – some while she was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth (I am not fucking kidding here) (AnaFail) and then several where she’s awake and right there with him and how the hell do you miss a picture taken of you from a huge camera like that when it’s only inches away from you?  Moron. (AnaFail)

They only thought Linus was weird.

And then Blah, blah she’s worried about Christian (BoredNow) and goes and crawls in his lap while he looks at the security tape and they see that it’s dun dun dun Jack Hyde who set the fire!  Zomg, I never would have guessed! (FacePalm)  Chapter End.  Thank God.

100 – (33*2)= 34 – ( 14 *10) 140 =  -106

I’m not sure if there’s a grade for that.  She could have not written anything, and come out six points ahead (and wouldn’t we have been grateful?)  But still, it needs a grade.  How about this?

That should do it.

(In Chapter 7, Alice goes on a hate rampage because OMG that chapter is even worse than this one how is that possible?  Anyway, that prompts this question:)

Question Six: Short Essay!

How much does the 50 Shades series suck in terms of book suckage?  Explain.