V-Day? What could that mean? Vaccinate day? Venereal Disease day? Happy New Year? Okay, it’s not Happy New Year, since you could say I missed that one. Along with January. And most of February so far. But hey, I couldn’t miss the most important of days, which is of course Valentine’s Day – though it might involve the other two v days, depending on how you celebrate it.
Or if you celebrate it! I decided to google “Valentine’s Day is . . .” and it turns out people – this will shock you – think it kind of sucks. The first thing I got was “Valentine’s Day is Coming Memes”.
I got very excited about this, especially the article that promised to warm my icy heart. With memes. You might be doubtful about this, oh ye of little faith. But I dideth click on one. There were a lot of super funny memes, like the one where the guy from that office show says yes he has a date for Valentine’s Day and – wait for it – that date is February 14th. Do you get it? It took me a second, and then I
just sat there laughed hysterically. My heart is melted!
Okay I did like this one.
So that was from Bridget (@bridger_w) who took that little snapshot at a Rite-Aid. I now know what to get that special someone.
No more time for “Valentine’s is Coming” memes, though, cause it be right here mah peeps (check out my inclusive language). The second thing to pop up was how much people love this holiday cause it makes them feel super close to their significant other, especially when that other buys them that freaking enormous diamond ring from Jared cause even young children know that Dad is gonna score when he gets their Mom that ring from Jared! And there was nothing at all disturbing about that commercial that played roughly a million times!
Haha, I’m lying of course, because the sentence to pop up next was really “Valentine’s Day is overrated”.
If you’d like to know four, five, ten or even fourteen reasons why this holiday is overrated, all you have to do is google. I can summarize them all for you, though. Valentine’s Day is overrated because it’s a way to make people feel guilty if they don’t get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love to that special person. It also makes people feel lousy if they don’t have someone to make them get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love. This is totally different than Christmas, or birthdays, or anniversaries, etc. because it falls on February 14th. Look! I have a date for Valentine’s Day!
In light of all this negativity, I decided to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day. For all you naysayers out there, it turns out that this holiday is just oozing with happy and love and well this came up first.
Ah those romantic Romans! Executions! That’s just amazing. Two different guys named Valentine get executed on the same day (different years – did he remember or was it luck?) by this Claudius guy, so the Catholic Church martyrs them with St. Valentine’s Day. Clearly the next logical step was to make this day about love and chocolate too, just like Easter!
So there you go, a special Valentine’s Day post. In case you are planning a hot date, don’t forget that once again the perfect movie is out just in time for this day of love and torture!
P.S. Tomorrow the candy is 50 percent off. True love waits.
Last chapter! Last chapter! Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter. I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages. What the hell? Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time. Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was. There is an Epilogue. Okay. Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages. I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps. The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.
Wait just a fucking second. Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view. In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there. Thank God for whoever leaked that book. But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.
Okay. I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me. Wrong choice of words. Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus. I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?
Moving on. There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care. Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father. I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father. The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her. And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones. Run, Mrs. Jones, run!
Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago. Nevermind, not going back to look. They go see the new house. Blah blah. They go have a picnic. Blah. Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde! Who gives a shit? Not me! He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana. Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by. They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.
Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.
She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again. My head hits the desk. End Chapter. Begin Epilogue. Crap in a hat.
OMG, James actually skips a few years. Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list. Bestseller. Sigh. Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild. You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever. But, um, she’s pregnant. I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses. Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?
It gets worse. I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe. After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”
Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap. Blah blah. And then . . . oh geez, why, why???? Okay. Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them. Just wait. Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James? Seriously. There is something seriously wrong here. Please say she doesn’t have children.
One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END. Except NOT. There are still pages with words on them. First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old. It’s as fascinating as it sounds. Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view. Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper. I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE. DONE, do you hear me? DONE! I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.
“That’s all. For now.” Good grief. She even ends it with a threat. But at least it ENDS. I’m going to have a drink. Or ten. Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it. You guys are the best, and all get As. Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.
Almost, almost there. I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina. Okay, so last time I asked you two questions: Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____. Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____. Some great answers here. Kirstenhwhyte accidentally got 23 totally right, as you’ll see below. And there were other answers that would have fit just as well, like buttplug (can be inserted into any sentence. Inserted. Snort), brain-dead, murder, gay, bang, pow, crack whores, cool whip, puppy, fart, vengeful wizard, wet dream, dunderhead, punchable, and of course, Robot Jesus. You guys rock.
Back to the neverfuckingending story. Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be freaking annoying. See, she goes in and out of consciousness, so we get little snippets of conversations. Ana has bruised ribs and a fractured skull (fortunately nothing important was damaged). Christian is suddenly concerned about the spawn and is informed that it is fine. Because it’s a freaking demon and nothing can kill it, duh.
Christian’s dad says Ana is so brave and Christian says she’s crazy and stupid. Gonna go with Christian on this one. The Cocker Spaniel is safe – she was only drugged. I can’t blame Jack for that – I’d have done it too. She hears her dad tell Christian “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will.” I’m not making that up. Just, yuck, gross, blech, ughhhhhh. Ana “spirals down into oblivion” – I wish she’d do that permanently.
Ana finally wakes up fully because she needs to pee. It’s so refreshing to hear about a romantic heroine’s need to eliminate bodily waste. Again. The nurse tells Ana she has a catheter, so you know, she could just go, but she thinks ew, gross. So we get this extended scene where Christian wants to see them take the catheter out but the nurse says no and then Christian insists on carrying Ana to the pot and they argue about whether he can watch and bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk.
Christian acts like a total asshole to the medical staff, ignoring their orders not to let Ana have food and I really hope she pukes it up all over him. As usual, Ana is in the hospital, but it is all about Christipoo who has “died a thousand deaths” again and no you haven’t, you haven’t even died once, damn it. He says he behaved badly (duh) and yay Ana is alive but he’s pissed at her and my head spins. Also he tells her she has no regard for her personal safety. Well, yeah, that’s why she’s with you, asshole.
Christian fills her in on more stupid crap about Hyde, the one who nearly killed her, but she’s most concerned about his ex because she’s Ana and she’s an idiot. Ana has Twinnings breakfast tea again. If I ever see that brand of tea, I will start a riot at the grocery store and stomp all of it into the ground. End chapter.
Chapter 24 begins and we are still in the same place we were last chapter arghhh. Ana made the papers, cause being the wife of the King of England, people give a damn about what happens to her. Oh, wait. The detective comes to talk to her about Hyde, but James skips that cause like, boring. Ana is told she can leave soon and Christian asks the most important question which is when can she have sex? Of course. Her father comes to see her and berates her for being a dumbass. I love the way the men show they care.
They have to take the back entrance cause of the paparazzi (psst Ana is queen) and they get home and take a shower together but no sex even though Ana is so desperate for it. Even with a concussion and bruised ribs. Right. After he soaps her all up we get to hear how Elizabeth was helping Jack cause he fucked her and kept blackmail tapes of it and . . . who exactly was Jack going to show this to? It makes as much sense as Jack getting out on bail yet NO ONE on the entire security team knowing this teensy bit of info. Duh-oh.
Christian warns Ana no more recklessness or he will “spank the living shit” out of her cause her Dad totally told him he could. No words for this. There’s more Ana begging for sex cause she can’t resist the power of psycho and then we hear how Christian was in the same foster home as Jack Hyde and that’s why Jack wanted to hurt Christian cause their paths were so similar and blah blah shitdoodle. None of this back story was necessary. Jack could have hated Christian for any number of reasons. This is just so lame, even for James.
Mia the spaniel shows up, and it’s a party of Ana you are so brave and Christian you are so special vomitttttt. And we find out Christian and Jack’s foster mom read him Are you my mother? and now James is ruining children’s literature stop it nowwwww. Speaking of kid stories, though, Christian decides to get Ana to sleep by telling her a sweet bedtime story about how he started screwing Mrs. Robinson. End chapter.
These chapters bit (-500 Batpoints), but the worst is yet to come! Next up, campers, is THE END – or IS IT? For your final Pop Quiz, write an essay about how much these recaps have changed your life. You are free to state your opinion. You’ll be graded for it, so you know, keep that in mind too. Be sure to cite your sources and show your work and all that crap!
Home stretch, peeps, home stretch. It’s like when you’re doing Yoga, and the nice lady tells you to just hold that awkward pose for a little bit longer. Just a little bit. And you fall over and Charlie Horse! Wait, no, we are going to hold the pose, guys. And I just lost track of my own metaphor.
Anyway, I asked two questions to my faithful and somewhat deranged readers. Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor? Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
In response there were Veggietale song lyrics about Ana’s vagina (the Veggietale / 50 Shades of Grey crossover sounds more promising all the time), mentions of Ana winning a medal by orgasming and queefing and giving the best BJs ever, and finally, several people pointed out that there could be no plot device in lieu of an actual plot. Good points, all.
I also received this disturbing information from purpleperceptions in my email. It made me faceplant on my desk. Repeatedly. Here it is:
No time for tears. Let’s get on with this incredible writing, shall we? So last we left Ana-dumkins, she was freaked out because Christipoo had been out with the “bitch troll” Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex that she does not obsess about constantly. Oh, she can forgive all the other stuff Christian does: the emotional abuse, the beatings, the way he makes her fear for her safety – but crap, he had a drink with his ex! That is unforgivable. So she “rocks to and fro” like baby, with “hot scalding tears” and I don’t give a shit.
When she’d done whining for a bit, she looks through Christian’s emails and finds one about crap related to the investigation into that guy who tried to rape and kidnap her. Ana thinks, meh, and goes back to bitching to herself about the ex. You know how some people sleep on the couch when they’re mad? Well, Ana locks herself in the playroom where Christian beats her, and goes right to sleep. Yeah.
So the next morning, Ana comes out and has this argument with Christian, or rather, she mostly ignores the asshole. Wait, what was that – a – a – spine? No way. She purposely takes off her clothes in front of him, does this twisted strip tease thing, and okay, maybe a spine, but a stupid one, wtf. She actually says stuff that makes sense, like that she “chose a defenseless baby” over her “spineless” husband. Hey, way to go, Ana! Those are some awesome last words there!
Ana goes on about how hot she looks, blah blah and Christian notices and starts to make a move. She tells him she’ll scream if he comes closer, he says no one will hear her (gawds this is so romantic) and she asks if he’s trying to frighten her. Christian is dumbfounded. Dur, that makes you scared when I say stuffs like that? Yet Ana thinks that if he touches her, she will surely succumb to his “sexpertise” but since she doesn’t, she clearly “deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor”. You know who really deserves that medal, Ana? The readers, that’s who.
Ugh, Ana goes to work and colors some pictures and sees her Dad who tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and then sees Mrs. Jones who also tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and if you believe, just believe, then Christian will become a fairy princess! Ana gets an email from Christipoo, but it doesn’t have cutesy flirty and oh nooos! Then she gets a call from Mia, but eh oh, it’s not the chirpy Cocker Spaniel, it’s . . . dun dun dun . . . Jack Hyde! End chapter.
Since I know you can’t stand the suspense, we’ll go right into Chapter 22. Jack informs the “prick-teasing, gold-digging whore” Ana that he has kidnapped that “little bitch” Mia. You have to love the cute nicknames they give the women in these books. In case you’ve forgotten (I’ve tried) Mia is Christian’s irritating, chirpy little sister. He tells Ana to get 5 million dollars to him but not to tell Christian or his security team or the cops (pfft, like anyone goes to the cops in these books?) Ana, brilliant girl that she is, agrees to his demands.
This sounds familiar. I have images of a dance studio, and another stupid skinny chick being tossed into mirrors because she went to rescue someone without the help of those more powerful. Could it be . . . nah, this is a COMPLETELY original book, you guys.
Jack says he’ll “fuck Mia up” before he kills her and I’m wondering if he means beat her or rape her or just insult her because fuck is used so often in this book I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore. Ana tells her secretary she has to leave early, again, as if this is a big thing. She hasn’t done a damn thing since she took the job but email, leave early, and yammer with Christian and his ex-girlfriends.
She finds Leila’s loaded gun that Christian tossed in the drawer and thinks “Jeez, he could get hurt” and I’m thinking if only. There’s a bunch of wacky hijinks with Ana tricking the security team and peeling out in her car (she gets to drive!) on her way to the bank (which is sleek, modern, and understated by the way). She asks the teller for 5 million and the teller (named Ms. Insincere Smile) immediately hops to when she hears that Ana is Christian’s wife. OMG a celebrity! Being married to Christian makes her even cooler than that Kardashian chick.
But eh oh, the teller guy calls Christian just because some strange chick claiming to be his wife wants to take out 5 million. I mean, jeez. Christian assumes she must be leaving him (like she’s that intelligent) and Ana goes with it since she doesn’t want Christipoo to interfere while she rescues the Cocker Spaniel, er, his sister. He tells her to take all the money and Ana wonders why oh why was she so upset just because he beat her and hung her up on the ceiling and constantly berated her for breathing funny?
Ana starts “weeping copiously” and the teller asks if he can get her some water (again with the water) and Ana says sure. Not like she’s on a deadline or anything. She feels the reassuring pistol at her waist and wait a freaking second – she’s in a bank and they didn’t even . . . nevermind. Jack informs her that there’s a getaway car in the back of the bank (the Dodge! I hope it is painted up like the Joker’s car. That would be perfect.)
It’s not the Joker in the car, but Elizabeth from the office (she was, like Jack’s boss, I think? I don’t care). They meet up with Jack at an abandoned playground (what no dance studio?) and suddenly we really are in a Batman episode. Jack slaps Ana (WHAP!), she bounces onto the concrete (BANG!) and then he kicks her in the ribs (KAPOW!) Ana remembers the gun and shoots him in the knee (PING!) and then passes out (WONK!) Chapter End.
Final Score: Pfft, screw the grading. I give it a -500 on the Batscale.
Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.
Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.
If you’ll notice, we will be covering two lessons today, class. This is in an effort to finish the book before E.L. notices and adds more chapters. Not that I’m paranoid or anything but DON”T TELL HER OKAY??? Right. So last time I asked you to fill in the blanks of this question. “In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.”
You all failed, like always, but there were some really awesome answers. But the best answer had nothing to do with the question and came from faithhopechocolate when we got into a discussion about what would happen if Bob and Larry from the Veggietales had to cover 50 Shades of Grey.
Bob: Now kids, what do you think is going wrong here?
Larry: Well, Bob, it’s pretty clear that God will forgive them, but maybe they should try forgiving each other first
Bob: Larry, it’s not going to happen. No matter how hard we pray, EL James will still be a bad writer with her so-called hero being a complete psychopath.
Larry: Bob, that’s sad. Can we pray?
I laughed so hard I think I broke something. I’d also think I was hell bound, except that this was made up by a lady who is becoming a Sister, so I think I’m safe. Maybe. Anyway, you’ll find out the answer soon enough, and it will be more horrible than you can possibly imagine.
Okay, so Ana’s dad woke up. So of course Ana and Christian must celebrate with disturbing sex! (Sexy Times, Alice Pukes, AliceScreams) Hooray! He trusses her up in her robe and has her touch herself. (Alice Pukes) Jeez, Christian, the whole point of masturbation is that you don’t need a moron like you around for it. (Facepalm) Way to ruin that as well. So this goes on for pages until Christian says “Come on, Ana” her cue to orgasm with him. (AliceScreams) I once again wonder if there is ever a problem with him asking her to follow and her suddenly falling on the ground in an earth shattering orgasm. That could be interesting at a family dinner.
There’s a lot more nothing. The detective comes back and blah blah Jack Hyde (remember him? I don’t) says Ana seduced him yadda yadda and fingerprints on the helicopter blah and Hyde’s a “fucker” and a “fucking asshole” with a “fucking game”. I’m all out of fucks. (BoredNow) Ana then goes to see her Dad and says “Laters, Daddy” (AnaFail) which is so not messed up and then is walking out of the hospital when her gynecologist, who apparently stalks her, runs up and insists Ana go get a peek and a poke right this second! (WTF).
So the gyno wants to know why Ana cancelled four appointments. Well, doctor, there could be a number of reasons. Maybe she got a new doctor. Maybe she chose a new birth control. Maybe she decided not to take birth control. And anyway, why is it your fucking business? (RedFlag) I mean, I have to schedule my gyno exams at least a year in advance to get into my doctor, yet Ana has one following her around begging her to come in? (WTF) What kind of doctor is this? Oh, wait, Christian chose her. (RedFlag, FacePalm) Nevermind.
So she has Ana take a pregnancy test before she gives her another birth control shot, and you’ll just never, never guess what happens! That’s right! Ana is now carrying a spawn of Satan – er, I mean, Christian. (Alice Cries) Ana reacts to the news like us readers. “What? No, no, no. Fuck.” End Chapter 19.
So chapter 20 begins and we’re still with the stalker gyno, who is also quite the condescending bitch. (AliceScreams) There’s this whole bit with the doctor offering her water (secretaries offer water, nurses offer water, gynos offer water, and we get to hear all about it) and Ana accepting. (AliceScreams) Then the doc says, what the hell, she’ll just give her an ultrasound cause she’s got time and there’s one right there in the same room. (WTF) Yeah, no need for an appointment or anything. Walk-in gynecological exams and sonograms are totally normal. (FacePalm)
Poor stupid Ana thinks the shot is supposed to be good birth control, but the doc says “It normally is when you remember to take the shot.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Ooh, snap, Ana! She totally freaks when the doc asks her to remove her panties, even though she does this like ten or twelve times a day. (AnaFail) I wonder if Taylor will be summoned to get her more panties while her legs are up in the stirrups.
Now it starts getting good. We get to meet sparkly wand! For more info, see Storkhunter’s informative blog. She puts a condom over the wand (remember, guys, always practice safe sex with your transvaginal ultrasounds) and sticks that sucker up her hoo-ha. (Alice Pukes) Ana thinks “holy fuck” cause like it’s been almost an hour since someone stuck something up there. The doctor then shows her the tiny blip that is her spawn on the screen. Ana continues to call it “blip”. (AnaFail) I call it “the bad seed”.
Then the doc, who five seconds ago was giving Ana hell for not using her birth control right, says “Oh, looks like the shot ran out early.” Like, wtf? So was it Ana’s fault for not getting a shot or not? Just – can you keep continuity within the same damn chapter, James? Too much? (AliceScreams)
Ana has all sorts of arguments with the voices in her head, and she’s certain Christian will hate her when she’s all fat with baby. (AnaFail) Also Christian will be mad because she didn’t get permission to get knocked up. But mostly she’ll be fat. Oh, nooos, what to do? We all know the answer. Email! (AliceScreams)
They say nothing, as usual, and Ana wonders if she should tell him after sex or during sex. (WTF) I say during, Ana, while you’re strapped up all dignified like. She sees her dad, and subconscious says sure you’ll see your dad again “provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse” I could see being nervous about it, but honestly thinking your husband is actually going to murder you – hint, hint. This is not a healthy relationship. (Fucking Red Flag).
I figure E.L. will drag this out more, but nope, she tells Christian, who acts like a mature adult and says “we’ll be okay.” Haha, just kidding. He totally flips his shit and acts like an asshole, screaming at Ana loving stuff like “This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up!” (Red Flag, Red Flag, RED FLAG) Wow. Be sure to record this one for the baby book, Ana.
Christian walks out on her, and Mrs. Jones gives her the magic cure for domestic abuse – tea! She goes to bed, and Christipoo returns, stinking drunk. He whines about the “invader” and how Ana will “choose him over me.” (RedFlag) Wah. Shut the fuck up, Christian. Ana gets him into bed, and then finds his cell phone and realizes he’s been out drinking with his former lover and child abuser, the ebil Mrs. Robinson. (Facepalm) And now Ana’s mad – not because her husband treated her like shit, but because of a woman, of course. (AnaFail, Double Facepalm) Ana, you’re an idiot, and there is no hope for this child. It’s going to grow up to be Macauley Culkin for certain.
Final Score: 100 – 62 – 120 = -82
Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?
Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
Chapter eighteen. We made it. Only four more to go . . . wtf? There are 25 chapters in this one? What? Why? When did this happen? Did she just add these? This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland. Just – honestly, what is left to say? I can’t imagine. What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next? Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
You know, I just realized something. They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings. I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life. How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.
Whatever. Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!” For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana. Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong. So was (A). Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.
Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like. “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage. Extra 50 point deduction right there.” On it, Ruby!
Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange. “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers. “Hi,” I mutter. “Hi,” he replies. Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors? Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm) Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail) And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it. Wow. There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone. Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)
Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes) and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap. God, that’s so original. Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22! She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail). I hate Ana.
They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator. Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)
Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now. It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause). (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed. He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)
Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail) Ana, you stupid bitch. After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana? How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract? Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise! Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party! So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom! Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).
Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”. Yeah. Sure. Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate). Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen. Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)
Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes) Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up! Whatever. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.
Ana is such a bitch. I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter. Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident. Oh, nooos! This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana. Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled. She doesn’t give a crap.
But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday. I included every one. They are awesome. Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!
Back to the Recap. Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital. Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds. You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once! I’m on the edge of my seat. Yawn. (BoredNow)
She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail) But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.” Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away. Ana is sadfaced. She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way! Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter! OMG! (AnaFail)
When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!” Because she’s surprised? Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital. They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail) Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there. Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow) Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF) What? He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative. She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.” And that’s not all. Later she tastes the tea and thinks “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life. The horror. (Double AnaFail)
Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo! He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag) But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived! Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing. Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something. Dickhead. (RedFlag)
The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them? The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams) Even Ana wants to kick him. The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma. Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff. (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens. I mean terrible.
Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”. I love that movie. And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation. Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L. Stop it. Stop it now. Last warning. (AliceRage)
Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts. (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum. That’s CEO talk for “firings”. I love this guy. (RedFlag) They go check on Ray in the ICU. Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds. Come on, you would too. You know it.
A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute. Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary. Good thing she’s in a hospital! I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz. Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams) Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color. Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)
Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana. After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)
Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath. He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF) Um, no, no she’s not. Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can. He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm) They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her. If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people. So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no. Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila. Just . . . really, Ana. Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)
They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing. I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow) Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow! Whoop-te-shit. They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what? Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother. He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case. I had awful images for a moment there, guys. I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!
She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel. He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does. Of course. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 60 = -10
In the next chapter . . .
A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.
B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.
C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!
I had so much fun reading your mad libs, that I just had to show them off to everybody. My refrigerator wasn’t quite big enough, and if I listed all of them on the next recap, the recap would be several pages long – er. So I’m dedicating a special post to them. I simply must do another of these things soon.
For those not in the know, I created the original mad lib from a random paragraph in 50 Shades Freed and took out random words. My readers filled in the rest. The scary thing is that they all made about as much sense as the actual paragraph. Except they were a lot funnier. This is the original mad lib:
“Do you want a _____, a ____? What do you ___, Ana?” Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____. He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon. This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______. This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now. My____, ____ 50 Shades.
Here we go.
“Do you want a STD, a baby? What do you suck, Ana?” Christian shat at me and I know he’s got diarrhea – my lost buttplug dealing with events beyond his schlong. He’s been stupid and pungent all afternoon. This is a bitch he cannot manipulate and train. This is my vagina in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s one and done now. My shitty, idiotic 50 Shades.” – twindaddy
Vagina in the raw cracked me the hell up. Well done, twindaddy! And no doubt true in Ana’s case.
“Do you want a balloon animal, a platypus? What do you smash, Ana?” Christian shanghaied at me and I know he’s ionized – my lost piglet dealing with events beyond his phantasmagoria. He’s been photosynthesizing and fluorescing all afternoon. This is a jeroboam he cannot manipulate and how. This is mucus in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s buccaneering and curtseying now. My poultry, emasculate 50 Shades.” – goldfish
As usual, goldfish’s vocabulary continues to astound and amaze me and crap I’m sounding like James now. I think offering her a balloon animal or a platypus either one would have to make her feel better. But what about the poor piglet?
“Do you want a dummy, a nappy? What do you want, Ana?” Christian burped at me and I know he’s ridiculous – my lost sense of self dealing with events beyond his mental aptitude. He’s been acting like a child and throwing his toys all afternoon. This is a situation he cannot manipulate and somehow he still doesn’t realize how stupid he is. This is egotism in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s a caricature of himself of himself and bloody annoying now. My crappity, crap crap 50 Shades.” – kirstenhywhyte
I just love this one for so many reasons. I can see Christian acting like a child and throwing his toys – come to think of it, that’s what he’s doing when he throws Ana around. Crappity crap crap, indeed.
“Do you want a shit, a crap? What do you think, Ana?” Christian waved his ‘down there’ at me and I know he’s got an STD – my lost puppy dealing with events beyond his ‘down there’. He’s been crying and wailing all afternoon. This is a catastrophe of epic proportions that he cannot manipulate and shit. This is eggs in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s going to go celibate and I wish I had a brain now. My poor, little poopsy 50 Shades.” – Miss Four Eyes
OMG, laughing hysterically here. No, Christian, don’t wave your “down there” and show off your STD! We don’t need to be introduced!
“Do you want a butt plug, a butt plug? What do you butt plug, Ana?” Christian butt plugged at me and I know he’s butt plugged – my lost butt plug dealing with events beyond his butt plug. He’s been butt plugged and butt plugged all afternoon. This is a butt plug he cannot manipulate and butt plug. This is butt plugged in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s butt plugged and butt plugged now. My butt plug, butt plug 50 Shades.” – faithhopechocolate
Sweet and simple. You can insert buttplug into any sentence in 50 Shades. Get it?
“Do you want a doing, a winner? What do you analyst, Ana?” Christian attacks at me and I know he’s underneath – my lost qualifying dealing with events beyond his fleet. He’s been temper and entering all afternoon. This is a rabbit he cannot manipulate and formula. This is bundle in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s killing and substance now. My oval, buttery 50 Shades.” – thelesbiannextdoor
She used a random word generator for this one. I think we’ve now figured out the secret to how James writes her books. Buttery 50 Shades is fabulous.
So there you go. 50 Shades of hilarity. Stay tuned tomorrow for the next buttplug, er, 50 Shades recap.
Hullo, all. I am guest posting on the blog of another Alice. Since she’s an Alice, she is obviously fab. She’s had lots of great guest stars already, like a storm trooper and . . . I think Oprah was there once. Anyway, I am writing about why I write about 50 Shades. Check it out, and check out Alice X 2!
NOTE: The next of the visitors on my list is my fellow Alice, from that wonder of wonders, Wonderland! Want to know what’s with her reading and recapping 50 Shades of Horrible?!, I mean Grey, then you picked some timing, as today, you shall find out!
Want to jump in on the visits? Then let me know, send an email or leave a comment and I’ll get you set up for here, or my blog of randomness.
Anyone who has ever taken a look at my blog can come to two conclusions right off the bat. First, the gal likes Alice in Wonderland. Second, the gal has a rather unhealthy obsession with the 50 Shades series by E.L. James. In fact, a large portion of her blog is actually (we’re not even going to count the posts) dedicated to bitching about these books. So you might be wondering – why?
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Be prepared, readers. James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death. All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter. Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.
It was all of the above, people. All of the fucking above. A few of you got it right. A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer. One person chose it anyway. Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!” Yes. Yes, I do. This could be incredible guys. Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts. We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway. What do you say? After the recap, you may run screaming.
Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana. Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed. Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail) Remember the gunsies, Ana? How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way? Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind. Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)
Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post. You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through. Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila. Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)
Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana. A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm). Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana. Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself. He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead! Hooray!
Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really. Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison. And for paying all her doctor bills. Oh, and for art school. The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF) Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.
Leila goes on. And on. She loved her boyfriend. And her husband. Oh, and Christian, of course. Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF) No, seriously. I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives. He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness. Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)
Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!” Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag) Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her. Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best. He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag) Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right. Nothing to do with her!
Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else. Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old. But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)
Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.” Wait. Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF) Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)
And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up. He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams) Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)
And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought? Who cares, end chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 80 = -30
Question # – which number are we on now?
Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out. See if you can fill them in! Leave your answers in the comments below!
“Do you want a _____, a ____? What do you ___, Ana?” Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____. He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon. This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______. This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now. My____, ____ 50 Shades.