In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read. Now we continue . . .
Bambi here. SNIFF. I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday. Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head. I mean heart. And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus. I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur. Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have. Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!
Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job. I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic. My boss is named Frank N Stein. He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me. Bitches.
But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email! Zomg it was Dick Head! I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride. Guess what? Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile! I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares? Yay me! I am on cloud ten.
But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.
Dick Head and I are back together! It was so romantical! First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible. I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it! You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!
After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance. He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha. He’s so sweet like that. At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham. Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.
I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded. Turns out they were vaginal bombs. I didn’t know they made those. He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me. I’m so confused. I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.
I am so upset! Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me. I’m so scared. I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her? I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.
I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday. Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs. I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”
At least I get to text Dick at work. He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth. Like this:
Dick: Wear r u?
Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!
Dick: B rite ther k?
I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness! She said “Hello Dahlink.” Zomg it was terrible! She was PRETTY! But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away. I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras. Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.
I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night! He was all twisted around me like a snake. Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.
He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again! I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick. He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.
But I had to go to work even on a Saturday! Like, so annoying! Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work. But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.
It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein. He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD. I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan. She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.
But when I got inside there was the Baroness again! Zomg she looked even hotter than before! Also she had a gun! She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away. So she could get him herself I bet! No way!
But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there! He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over. Turns out – she was a robot! From the future! I am just so confused. How did they make a robot so pretty?
I am so ANGUISHED again. Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me? I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend. Huh.
Frank N Stein was alone again! What were the chances? This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt. I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).
Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?
Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby
Bambi: K. Tivo pls?
Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull. It was far out. He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think. I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby. When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”
Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what? I am now the head vet! I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important. Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.
Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me! Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left. He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me! Zomg!
I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman. I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that. What to do? What to do?
Dick Head and I are, like, engaged! I am SO happy I could pee! He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either. He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha! I mean love!
Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?
Hi! My name is E.L. Ja . . . Bambi Vagina. I’m just your average stunningly beautiful 21-year-old college student in China studying to become a veterinarian. I’ve always loved kids, so it seemed like such a cute idea to cut them up! I live in this totally awesome apartment that is like better than anything you will ever live in so I don’t have to describe it. Think sandstone. There’s a lot of that. Bricks too.
My roommate is Kimberly Kardishipan and she is just so annoying cause like she lets me mooch off her but doesn’t appreciate it. Today I have to do some stupid interview thingy with this really hot rich guy cause she went and got sick. I told her not to eat Taco Bell. My life is so HARD.
I drove to his work in my car that is so hipster cause it’s old, right, but I love it cause I’m trendy and quirky. So this guy, his name is Richard Head, he’s really super rich and hot and works in this big building where he makes lots of money doing nothing. I think he’s like a congressman or something. Who cares? He’s hot. Remember that.
So I got to his work and there was this big sign that said Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire and I was super impressed and you should be too. There was sandstone here too. Sandstone is big in China. He had secretaries that were blond which is kinda funny on Chinese people but whatever we’re talking about me here.
I walked into his office and “tripped” so that I showed my butt. This is a great way to meet guys. Kimberly Kardishipan gave me all these dumb questions to ask but he wanted to ask questions like where I lived and worked and my credit score and my social security number and my bra size and if I was into dungeons and being chained up and stuff. Then he offered me a job. This stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. Sigh.
I already have a job and they told me I had to come in if I want to get paid. Ugh. I work at a hardware store. Isn’t that quirky? A girl – in a hardware store? There’s like hammers here – I don’t get it. My life is SO HARD. Well, guess what you will never guess! Richard Head came to my workplace. How did he figure that out? He is super hot AND smart. ZOMG.
He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me. It’s such a pain. They should know I’m super busy sleeping with my professors, I mean, gawd. So he spoke all creepy to me which really makes my motor run – get it? I said motor, and I’m in a hardware store! He bought that totally normal stuff and left in his helicopter.
Mr Richard Head asked me out for coffee at this pub in China! It was a really trendy place and they spoke American which is so much easier than when they do that chitter chatter stuff. He said I should call him “Dick” cause everyone else does so I said he could call me Bambi cause that’s my name and people call me that. Then he saved me from a Kamakazi jet plane by staring at it really hard and making it explode. It was way cool. Those Kamakazis. They’re everywhere. Cause it’s China.
I figured he would kiss me then but he didn’t. So I got sadfaced and drunkfaced with Kimberly Kardashipan at this other pub in Chinatown. My friend I string along pawed at me and Dick popped up. Dick Head, you guys. He was SO MAD that I went out with friends and got drunkies! Oh, oh.
I woke up this morning in Dick Head’s bed in his way big fancy super special dream house and he gave me Advil which only hot rich people take. And orange juice he squeezed with his own thighs. He is AMAZING but what does he see in sexy, gorgeous me?
I learned so much. Like that Dick is really Batman. I believe him cause he totally has his own Bat Cave with whips and chains, just like the real Batman. He took my pants off but it’s okay cause it was for science, he said. Then he started talking about me signing a contract to be his total sex slave and I got all woozy cause wow business talk is so bo-ring. But I guess it’s hard to find a date when you’re solving crime at night.
He got the contract off the internet so it was legit enough for me. It asked me to promise my soul and sign in blood which was kinda weird but at least I didn’t have to find a pen and I wasn’t really using my soul anyhoo. Once that was all over with he said we could have the sex and I told him I was a virgin cause I am. I mean except for all the sex I had.
It was so hot! He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers! I zonked for a while and woke up and he was playing his xylophone and you guys – his cape hung “that way”. It was way hot.
Had lots of fun with Batman, shhh, I mean Dick Head. We scuba dived in his bathtub which is big as a swimming pool and has real sharks. I also gave him a BBJ (Bat Blow Job) and he was impressed since it was my first time and it was except for all those other times. He is so hot and sexy and hot and he’s a little bossy but I guess that comes from fighting crime. Also I learned that his mom was a crack ho and his dad was an emperor and they were both gunned down by this Joker guy in an alley one night. So sad. But then he had to go to work at his super important job.
He gave me stuff cause he’s so rich with all the money he got from his parents biting it and all. Like one gift was this strange thing he called a laptop, which I thought was a kind of dance but nope, it’s a computer! And it has this thing called email. Far out.
There was this graduation thing which was weird cause I’d totally forgotten I was going to school. But get this – it says on my diploma I can only cut up cats, not kids. Who knew?
Dick tells me I have to do everything he says cause he’s the Batman and the Batman knows best. Also if I leave he’ll have to kill me cause I know so much. Makes sense. Also, he needs practice for when he fights the bad guys, so sometimes I help him out with that by playing the bad guy. I stand there while he tests his super weapons like the bat flogger and the bat plug on me. It’s hot.
Guess what else? I think I might be a super hero too because I have all these other personalities. I think I’m gonna go with “Subconscious Goddess Twit” for a super hero name. What do you think?
I just realized Dick Head is not who he says he is. He’s not the Batman – he’s a super villain named The Riddler and wears this weird spandex outfit with punctuation marks all over it. But it’s okay, because he’s out of Arkham now and he’s just misunderstood and I’m sure with my love he will be totally reformed.
Tonight he’s having a party and inviting his friends over. This should be fun. I wonder if I should make some Chinese coffee or just order some Chinese food. Cause they make that here, you know.
That was NOT a fun party. Super villains are not very nice. They hung me from a rope over the pool with sharks while they ate their bean dip and laughed evilly. Then they smacked me with a bat like a piñata. Uncool. I decided I didn’t care if Dick is rich, I am so OVER him and his money and his hotness. I mean, that spandex, wow. No, no, I am better than this.
So I left him, I did, and then I cried and cried cause even though he’s a super villain, he’s really, really hot. Sigh.
Stupid, fucking book. Oh, hi, didn’t know you were there. Isn’t this a stupid, fucking book? That could be every one of my recaps. This is a stupid, fucking book. And I bet I am going to get some awesome search terms after this.
You know how last time I was all pissed because Christian was being an abusive asshole? Well, this chapter Ana takes over the bitch role. God, they deserve each other. So the answer to our last question was obviously A) Ana bitched a bitchfest. Hooray. There were many excellent comments, but for incredible enthusiasm, not to mention going above and beyond the call of sanity, I have to award the bonus point to GiggsMcGill Jill this time. She proposed a love story to rival Ana and Christian.
“Your next project: Amor Under the Sea
Protagonists/love couple: Spongebob and Dora
Antagonists/bad couple: Swiper and Squidword”
Now that you’ve got that muy disturbiano vision in your head, you’re all set up for the recap. We start off with a detailed description of the sexy realtor. (BoredNow) Really, James? She will spend countless hours describing stupid shit no one cares about. She’s a fucking realtor, not a main character. (WTF) Ana and Sexy Realtor start sizing each other up like female cats in heat. (FacePalm, AnaFail) To let her know Christian is all HERS, Ana squeezes his ass right in front of her. (AnaFail). As she gets their wine, cause it’s been like ten minutes since they had alcohol (AliceScreams), she thinks “He’s mine. Yeah, bitch, mine.” (AnaFail) Maybe Ana should just say that out loud and grab Christian’s crotch. That would send a message. Also, I’d enjoy it, especially if she really crushed his balls in the process. Win, win situation.
So Ana keeps on about how this Sexy Realtor is “eye-fucking” her husband, and this annoys her, so she decides to grow a spine. Not with Christian, with the realtor, naturally. When Christian leaves for a moment, Ana says “But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Meowwww, hisssss! Get her girlfriend! You go girl! This is like just like that time on Jerry Springer when the crack hos were fightin’ over that deadbeat pimp. Ah, memories.
Then there’s this blah blah conversation with Christian where she talks about her needs and he totally ignores them (BoredNow) and tells her how to feel and “smiles his beautiful, boyish yes-I-really-am-kinda-young smile.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) But then comes something exciting, something “of gravest importance” to Christian. He wants her to cut his hair. Oh, she has to be fucking with me.(FacePalm, BoredNow)
Christian says, “It will make me feel cherished.” (AlicePukes) Yeah, I’d like to cherish you, Christian, by poking the scissors in your eyeball. Ana puts shampoo on his hair and says “It smells of you.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) Does he smell like bullshit, Ana, cause that’s what I’m smelling right now. And then more of the damn hair washing and Christian starts sticking his hands up her skirt. (BoredNow) I didn’t see that one coming, did you? He tells her he’s going to “fuck you seven shades of Sunday” which was what Ana promised him when she was trying to get him the fuck out of her office. But it’s too good a line not to repeat again and again and again. (AliceScreams)
So they screw each other again. (SexyTimes, AliceScreams) There’s “clenching” and “pining” and “teasing” and “pulling” and “puking.” (AliceScreams) Oh, wait, that last one might have been me. His erection “springs free” and I’m imagining a slinky. BOING! Wow, it really IS the world’s most wonderful toy! (AliceScreams) And Christian says “You like?” and Ana says she’s hungry and . . . oh, crap, not again. It’s just too bad they don’t have penises on the menu more often, because wow, Christian would never have to nag her about eating again. (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) So she blows him and then there’s more cuddly I love you more, no I love YOU more (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) and he says “You’re a mighty fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams) and Ana puts on his shirt and goes to find scissors, which all this time have NOT been in the bathroom.(FacePalm, WTF) How the hell was she going to cut his damn hair and oh just nevermind.
So this gives her the excuse to run across the house like Tom Cruise and stumble upon Mrs. Jones and Taylor kissing. Which is some major plot point? (WTF, BoredNow) Wait, no, it’s not. It has nothing to do with the story, except to give Ana the chance to insult people again with her “But Mrs. Jones is older than Taylor!” Yeah, isn’t it, like, illegal for a woman to date a man younger than she is? Mrs. Jones, that horny old cougar! (AnaFail, WTF.) They talk about Taylor and his daughter blah blah blah and finally she cuts his damned hair and it only took like twenty pages (SoBoredAliceCouldShoveScissorsUpHerNose).
So Ana then ponders whether Christian would let her tie him up and noooo of course not because you know, starving child issues, which is so totally not bullshit. (FacePalm) And Ana feels sad for poor widdle Christipoo (AliceScreams) and thinks “Oh, Fifty, fifty, fifty,” (AliceScreams) because that is such an appropriate nickname for someone. (FacePalm) Hey, fuckup, how’s it going? Come to think of it, maybe it’s the perfect nickname – for both of them. End Chapter.
Final Score: 100-54 –220 = -174
In chapter 9, Ana and Kate go on a totally Thelma and Louise adventure! I won’t give away what they do but guess what you will never guess – it pisses Christian off! I think considering how assholish Christian is about the tiniest infraction, like peeing without permission, she should have totally gone all out and screwed Taylor and the rest of the security team. And Kate. Also a few barnyard animals. At least I think so.
Essay Question: If you were Ana, what would you do on your Thelma and Louise / Ana and Kate adventure?
But WAIT there’s more! We now have a tie for salutatorian! And it’s neck and neck for the third place title, which you’ll all remember from school is – nada. But don’t give up! We still have lots and lots of lessons to go. Lots. And. Lots.
Storkhunter 27 + 1 = 28
faithhopechocolate 22 + 2 = 24
GiggsMcGill Jill 14 + 9 + 1 = 24
MissFourEyes 18 + 2 = 20
Ravinj 18 + 1 =19
Speaker7 18 + 1 = 19
Carrie Rubin 17
Lesbiannextdoor 10 + 1 = 11
Love and Lunchmeat 9
The Bumble Files 6
Jemmy 5 + 1 =6
Angel Fractured 5
StetotheJ 4 + 1 = 5
Doggy’s Style 4 + 1 =5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Jen and Tonic 4
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Before we get to the recap, I’d like everyone to know that my British friend told me that the green man is that sign that flashes for you to walk. Ohhhh. See our little walky man is white, cause we’re American, pal. Also, the condoms do come in foil packets, but he has never heard of anyone calling them that. See, even in England they call them condoms, James. So thank you to my friend – to protect the guilty we will just call him “John” – and let’s get back to the sex dungeons, shall we?
Although talk of condoms reminds me of something. While I think it’s good that James is advocating for safe, ha, sex here, do we have to hear about every time he “tears the foil packet” and slides one on? Can’t we just assume they’re taking care of birth control after that first time? Because reading about putting on a condom is about as exciting as watching someone put on a condom. In other words, it slows down the action. Even more. Which shouldn’t be possible.
Okay, on to Chapter 17. 233 pages into this . . . I hesitate to call it book. Shit sandwich with words inside – yes, that sounds better. There are a total of 26 Chapters. 26. That’s just 9 more chapters. That’s not so bad, right? Right??? I may be starting to crack up. It must be from all this arousal I’m feeling.
Ana wakes up with Christian draped across her, suffocating her with his body heat, but Ana just feels smug because he said he didn’t sleep with women but hey he’s slept with her three times already! And it only took a few beatings! Score, Ana!
There are more email wars (Stop it James. Stop it.) She explains that she’s a little upset that he beat the crap out of her but hey thanks for the cuddles and makes the subject of her email “Assault and Battery: The Aftereffects.” Clever Ana. Christian responds and says “Interesting . . . if slightly overstated title heading, Miss Steele.” Um, no, I think she pretty much covered it. He wonders if she can just get over it, you know, for him? She says she feels like running to Alaska and he says he would find her with his cell phone tracking technology. Not if she loses the damn cellphone, jerk. But Ana’s not bright enough to figure that out. She’s probably surprised that boomerangs return when she throws them.
She playfully discusses his stalker tendencies and asks if he’s gotten help and guess whats? He has a therapist who is probably tied up in his office right now. She drives to work and feels sadfaced because she wants Christian but not all that baggage he has. It’s sort of a package deal, nit wit. Speaking of packages, no, not that one, she gets a package in the mail. It’s a Blackberry! You’ll never guess why he gave her that! He writes in his email, “I need to be able to contact you at all times.” It’d be easier if he just inserted a tracking device directly into her brain. There’s a lot of empty space up there.
She doesn’t want it, but of course she keeps it. She gets home and Kate says, “I did note that he stayed.” What – like that’s a good thing, Kate? You don’t think he might have been doing that to control her or anything? Christian’s henchman takes her car and tells her that Christian is a “good man” cause hell it’s not like he has to worry about getting the crap beaten out of him. Probably.
Ana has a nice evening with her friends, including near rapist Jose, who just has such a “boyish charm” ya know. But oopsie, she forgot to email Christian and he is angrymadface Christian now. How dare she have a fun time with friends! He leaves a creepy speech on her answering machine about obeying him properly and she calls back and oh they’re being cute and silly again with all the “you hang up” “no, you hang up”. I want to hurt them both so badly.
She moves to Seattle with Kate and Christian sends her another gift. It’s a helicopter balloon. I’m guessing there’s a homing beacon in it. He also sends chilled champagne. Kate says, “He worries me, Ana.” But then adds “At least it’s good champagne and it’s chilled.” Yeah, that makes up for everything, Kate. Idiot.
Ana goes to visit Christian’s place to have a vaginal exam and is so excited her inner goddess jumps up and down with her pom poms. I bet E.L. James didn’t get to be a cheerleader in high school, what do you bet? I bet it was those evil blondes that were cheerleaders. Well, she showed them.
Chapter 18! You’ll never guess the color of the obgyn’s hair and why it makes Ana all pouty! She’s even jealous of the woman giving her a pap smear. Ana needs a different kind of doctor entirely. The doctor tells Christian to look after her because she is bright and beautiful (how does she know from one exam?) and Ana thinks well gosh that’s inappropriate of her to say. Wait, what, that’s inappropriate? Just . . . nevermind.
She jokes with Christian about not being able to have sex for weeks and he jokingly glares at her like he’s about to murder her and oh it’s such a fun game and they both laugh. He asks what birth control she chose and then reminds her to take her pill everyday. Please do Ana, we really don’t want you two to reproduce.
Ana thinks, “Holy cow. He wants to hurt me . . . how do I deal with this?” Let me think. Call the police, maybe? But then he sexes on her and her brain rattles and she forgets about it because omg he is so hot. They head for the Red Room of Pain and her inner goddess does ballet. He braids her hair and makes his own Ana leash. Then he chains her up to some grid, gets out the riding crop, and ride’em cowboy! Christian whiffs her panties (ew) and shoves them in his pocket. Then there’s some whipping on her sex, you know, down there, and then he sexes her and she has another shattering orgasm and I yawn and think at least it’s done but no he’s not finished.
It’s time for the cable ties – remember those? Ana sold them to him! He ties her up and there’s his merciless onslaught and moaning and groaning and Christian orders another orgasm so boom there she goes on command. Ana is really pooped from all the fun torture sexy times and she and Christian go to sleep. Finally. End chapter.
Gosh, what a cliffhanger. What will happen next? Will they wake up or will his house explode killing them both instantly? My inner goddess claps her hands at this idea.
“He can be such fun one minute, and then he can be so formal and stuffy the next.” (Ch17 p239)
He can also be murderous. Don’t forget murderous!
Chapter 15 starts off with more of the witty dialogue we’ve come to expect from Christian and Ana. Christian brings the booze.
“Nothing beats a good Bollinger.” “Interesting choice of words,” I comment dryly.
He grins, “Oh, I like your ready wit, Anastasia.”
Yeah, it’s fun to joke about domestic violence. Christian tells Ana not to think, which shouldn’t be a problem, but Ana’s subconscious says “You can pretend to be a car, like his other possessions.” Ooh, good one, subconscious! Ana naturally ignores that voice as she uses what mental faculties she has to try to keep Christian happy so he won’t punish her.
And there’s some blah conversation and Ana says she has an interview and Christian is pissed she didn’t tell him and wants to know where and when and she’s afraid he might want to use his influence to control her career. Nah, not Christian. Then he asks if she’s eaten and she rolls her eyes because even Ana is bored with this crap and Christian gets pissy and warns her that he will beat her if she does it again. And she thinks that’s kind of hot. My head hurts.
They discuss all the sex acts they’re willing to do and somehow make this boring and butt plugs is mentioned and Ana’s inner goddess “bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.” A small child that is incredibly horny. I just . . . nevermind. Sadly I find the voices in her head more interesting than Ana herself.
After all the talk of spanking, Christian says oh maybe one night a week he could try to act like a human being while still being a controlling abusive asshole on the weekends. And Ana is so excited – oh yay I am truly changing him with my love! And then he lays on a condition for this gracious gesture. She has to accept his graduation gift. You will never guess what it is!
It’s a brand new carrrrrr, ladies and gentlemen! Exactly what she asked him not to buy for her! But that’s not all, he also insists on his henchman taking her old, beloved car and trashing it. Ana actually gets angry for a moment, and then she remembers that oh no poor widdle Christian was once mistreated as a child and it is all okay! But not with Christian, who drags her into her room angrily and Ana pleads in a whisper, “Please don’t be angry with me” and “You scare me when you’re angry.” And this just, there’s no way to make that funny. Christian you’re a freaking asshole and I hope you go to prison and someone uses buttplugs on you, Mr. Romantic Lead women are crazy about. Why? Why, ladies? Because he’s handsome? So was Scott Peterson. You know, the guy who murdered his wife and unborn baby? Who is now in prison? And who is still receiving love letters from women. This is a guy who was CONVICTED of murder and I just don’t even . . . I don’t . . .
Cough, uh, where was I? Anyway, there’s another sex scene, and Christian lets Ana be on top and “in charge” and Ana is all into that even though she was terrified of him seconds ago. Because men are not the only ones who think with their reproductive organs. “Holy Moses, he’s all mine to play with, and suddenly it’s Christmas,” Ana thinks. Yes, Ana, he’s yours. Get the flogger.
Instead she gives him another blowjob. And there’s more mention of the “foil packets” which are apparently condoms in England? They put them in foil, like potato chips? I need to ask my British friend about this one. And the green man, that’s still bugging me. The sex scene goes on and on and on and I am so bored. End chapter.
Chapter Sixteen! Christian explains he is “fifty shades of fucked up” and we have a title, everyone! In fact, that really should have been the actual full title of this book, because this book is truly fucked up. Christian boasts that he has given Ana six orgasms and they all belong to him. Ana remembers that she had an orgasm in her dream uh oh there was one he didn’t give her though it was a dream about him should she tell him? So she does. And throws her arm over her eyes. You know, in case he freaks and hits her. But Christian likes that she had a dream involving him flogging her, so it’s okay.
Since there is no limit to Asshat’s intrusiveness, he asks when her next period is due because he doesn’t like wearing condoms. And oh yes, as the woman she should really think of contraception, but no biggie, he has his own obgyn he can get to make house calls at a moment’s notice because . . . I just . . . and Ana asks to have her very first vaginal exam at his place, because then, squeal, she will get to be with Christian. And Christian has to go and Ana wants him to stay and then she teases him that she could stretch out this whole contract discussion and he informs her that he would just kidnap her and hold her hostage at his house and it “could get really ugly.” And Ana thinks, “Jeez this is hot.” I’m really . . . who do I root for here? I hate them both. So much.
And then Ana rolls her eyes at him again and oh oh mad Christian and he tells her he’s going to spank her and Ana and her subconscious are frightened but inner goddess pleads “do it” because inner goddess, remember, is a crazy bitch. And Christian goes into his twisted psycho Supernanny form and well, I’ll just show you:
“Why am I doing this, Anastasia?” he asks. “Because I rolled my eyes at you,” I can barely speak. “Do you think that’s polite?” “No.” “Will you do it again?” “No.” “I will spank you each time you do it, do you understand?”
And then come the spankings. Hard slaps that cause her to cry out in pain. In between, he fondles her so that he can get some sexual abuse in with the physical – saves time that way. But it’s no biggie, cause he only hits her EIGHTEEN TIMES. And Christian says, so romantically, “No one to hear you, baby, just me.”
I’m screaming my safe word. The book ignores me.
He then rapes her, and Ana naturally orgasms. When it’s over Christian says, “Welcome to my world.” No thanks, psycho. He asks if she’s “okay”. Yeah, no, you bastard, you just hit her EIGHTEEN TIMES she’s not okay. But Ana says she’s okay and Christian rubs baby oil on her butt and leaves.
She talks to her mom, and breaks down in tears, and Mom says come to Georgia and Ana thinks, sure, she can go there and get some space. Christian ought to be fine with that. Kate sees that she is crying and is upset and advises Ana to tell him to “take a hike”. Yeah, Ana, listen to Kate! And Ana thinks, oh, it’s so black and white to her and it’s really a gray area. No. No it is not you moron. Sit down and think about it. Oh, WAIT you can’t. She lies to Kate that she hurt herself falling on her butt. I guess that beats I ran into a doorknob or fell down the stairs.
As usual, the answer is alcohol. They drink. And Ana gets in another email match about her car and who will dispose of it and guess who wins? Ana writes, oh wow, that she doesn’t like him so much, but not because he beat her, because he didn’t stay and cuddle with her afterwards. She hits send and ponders Christian and why he is an asshole and then we hear Kate and Christian arguing. Kate tries to keep Christian from coming inside – you know, like a real protective friend. But Ana lets him stay, because she has both the brainpower and self-esteem of a one-celled amoeba.
She asks if he’ll hit her again. He says, “Not tonight.” Oh, how reassuring! There’s some more blah talk about how Christian “needs” to be in charge cause he’s an asshole and then they cuddle together and as the chapter ends Ana thinks:
“Holy cow. Christian Grey is sleeping with me, and in the comfort and solace of his arms, I drift into a peaceful sleep.”(Ch16 p222)
I officially nominate Ana for the Darwin awards.
Chapter 13 begins with Ana wondering if maybe she’s been too negative about this whole sex slave contract. Oh, noos, what if he just calls it off?
She talks to her mom who can’t come to graduation because her new husband hurt his foot and she has to babysit. I wonder where Ana gets that pesky codependency from. The chapter looks like another borefest, but wait – there’s pages of emails! Christian sends Ana a definition of “submissive” for her to think about for their relationship meeting. Ana feels such relief that he is willing to discuss her issues!
But our Ana is so clever! She sends him an email back with the definition of compromise! He sends an email back to her and says she has a good point, and then says he’ll “collect” her from her apartment. Well, that’s taken care of oh wait she sends an email saying she wants to drive her car and he sends an email back referring her to the submissive definition, like get a clue bitch, and she emails back to ask if she can please drive and he emails back and says fine, and we’re finally finished no wait she has to send an email saying “Thank you.” and then, and then, and then he sends one back saying “You’re welcome.”
Ana goes to work and has another guy hit on her, because every man has the hots for Ana. She tells him she has a date with Christian, and he’s like, the Christian Grey, you mean the rich businessman that is as famous as Brad Pitt for some unknown reason? Her inner goddess resents him being surprised and makes a rude gesture. Inner goddess is kind of a bitch.
Kate lends Ana a plum-colored sheath dress for her to wear to negotiate her contract and I think hey wait if Ana thinks Kate has a much better body than her how come Ana fits in her clothes and then my brain hurts and I forget it. Next we get to hear about Ana’s getting ready routine and how her hair falls in soft waves to her breasts and this is just weird who talks about themselves this way? Kate tells her how hot she looks and I wish they’d just make out already and Ana gets in her old, beaten up Beetle which is nothing like what Bella had because Bella had an old, beaten up truck you silly and she drives to Christian’s hotel and we hear about his hair which is still tousled.
Christian steeples his fingers in front of his mouth again, which just reminds me of Vincent Price how appropriate and blah blah and Ana says hey this isn’t legal why did everyone have to read that long contract and he explains that it is to show readers that he is an asshole and also to take up a lot of pages in James’ manuscript and okay I might have made that last part up.
And then he does something so unexpected and asks Ana if she’s eaten and smart girl says uh no because I guess she can’t remember to eat on her own and he gets all frowny about it and he says let’s go to my suite and she wants to stay in public (good idea) and he says okay let’s go to this private dining area and Ana’s like okay and blah blah contract and they eat oysters and blah and he mentions that oopsie he once hurt a girl by suspending her from his playroom ceiling and Ana runs screaming from the table oh I’m just kidding no she stays and thinks well gosh he really does want this like the sex contract is a puppy or something and more contract talk blah and Christian keeps track of her every bite of food he’s so considerate and then he tries to sex her up.
I figure they’ll be doin’ it right on the table but she insists on leaving and he lets her cause maybe they’d notice a body in the dining room. She’s afraid they won’t see each other again but I think don’t worry he knows your address and has you followed he’ll find you. Anyway, he takes her to her car and oh no frowny Christian! He wants to buy her a new, safe car but she doesn’t want him to so I know he’ll totally honor her request.
She drives away and sobs because she realizes that he probably won’t go bowling with her if he’s busy torturing her in his playroom but oh no she can’t be without him and she gets home and big surprise there is another email I never would have guessed that would you? His email tells her to just trust him. And Ana thinks maybe they can plot a new course together because she’s an idiot.
Chapter 14 opens with another sex scene – now with more riding crops! But it turns out to be a dream. Ana is worried because she doesn’t like pain but her inner goddess is jumping up and down with cheerleading pom poms because riding crops sound great to this crazy bitch voice. And, as an afterthought of course, Ana happens to be graduating, but never fear, Christian will be there giving out diplomas. Because he donated money. Just – no, no he would not. I’ve graduated a few times and guess what E.L.? The deans or heads of academic departments hand out diplomas, not businessmen no matter how much they donate or how cute they are. Fail.
Kate is valedictorian and she gives her speech and then they have Christian give his speech because I guess there’s not a salutatorian, oh, like we give a shit if it’s not Christian, right, so who cares? And girls in the audience are orgasming over him like he’s Bon freaking Jovi and even though it’s her graduation Ana can only think about if Christian is looking at her or not. Christian does his speech and oh noos, he was once hungry? Could that be why he demands she eat? Ana is puzzled, and I am puzzled how she got a degree since she was supposedly a virgin when she met Christian.
Christian gives Ana her diploma and they start talking on the stage about why hasn’t she emailed him back I mean she was only getting ready to graduate and this is totally what would happen in the middle of a freaking graduation ceremony on a stage in front of lots of people. After it’s over, Ana hugs Kate’s brother and oh oh Christian gets frowny and takes possession of his woman and takes her in a men’s locker room and locks the door. I’m like okay so this is where he cuts her throat but no he just bitches at her for not telling him her every movement everyday and then he intimidates her into introducing him to her stepfather Ray. And Christian charms Ray and blah blah other stuff that doesn’t matter for pages and then Ana agrees to be his sub and goes home and oh boy more emails and Christian invites himself over to discuss and Ana says “Holy crap.”
Oh, what will happen next? Will we see Christian beat Ana till she’s literally all mushy inside? We’ll just have to wait and see in our next installment of “As the Stalker Turns.”
“You look kinda dorky’ . . . My subconscious is at her snarky best. ‘So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking?’ She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles. ‘He’d be so proud’. God, I hate her sometimes.”(Ch14 p 198)
They have drugs for this, Ana. I’m just saying
I have decided to preface the latest recap with an urgent appeal to Stephenie Meyer, writer of Twilight.
I want to apologize for saying your books are the most sucktastic books in the history of ever and for calling you a hack writer that can’t even spell her first name correctly. That was mean. I am truly sorry. For karma hath reared her ugly head, and hath brought from her fiery bosom Fifty Shades of Grey. In comparison, you are a fabulous writer, and your books are so awesome. I only have one request, and if you will just honor it I will never say bad stuff about Twilight again; in fact I will recommend it be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. I want you to face off with E.L. James who has clearly stolen some of your material and somehow managed to both make it worse and make money off of it. You don’t have to sue her, although that would be cool. Just go to the media and start a shit storm about her and I will be ever so happy. Truly, that might make not just my day, but my entire life. I will never ask for anything ever, ever again so help me Edward.
Your Greatest Fan.
Okay. With that out of the way, we go back to our regularly scheduled snark already in progress. Chapter 11 brings us The Contract. All of it. Even three appendixes. I think she copied this off the internet somewhere. She even includes the bits that we read in the last chapter. It’s a big long mess of psychotic slavery legalese. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the terms warranty and buttplug in the same document before, but there’s a first time for everything. The only part of the contract we don’t see is the part where he tells her what she can and can’t eat, because Ana just can’t go there, you know.
Ana gets her Macbook (product placement presents!) from Christian. She reveals that she does not have an e-mail address. Just – I don’t – she’s a college student – how . . . nevermind. Well, Ana gets an email address; and readers, James just abuses the hell out of it. This chapter, and chapter 12, are filled with emails back and forth between Ana and Christian. It’s such an awesome plot device, that I think I’ll write some emails to E.L. James.
From: Christian Grey
To: EL James
Ms James, thank you for creating me in all my godliness, but did you have to make me such a fuckwad?
-Christian Grey, Master of the Universe
From: EL James
To: Christian Grey
Subject: You are Dreamy
Christian, I love you can I please have your babies?
E.L. “kiss kiss” James
From: Anastasia Steel
To: EL James
If I am your self-insert, then why did you make me so stupid? Are you going to kill me? Because so far my story is reading like a Lifetime movie.
Ana Bobana Steel
From: EL James
Subject: Listen to your inner goddess
I gave you three voices for advice, what more do you want?
EL “The Great” James
To: EL James
I hate you. Stop writing immediately.
As I said, there are a lot of idiotic fifth grade level emails back and forth as Ana and Christian negotiate the sex slave contract and Ana chuckles at “playful Christian”. Then, in a rare burst of intelligence that probably burns out a few synapses, she writes an email that she has seen enough and “it was nice knowing you.” And then she agonizes because he does not send an email back oh noos is he angry? Turns out, yes, cause HE SHOWS UP AT HER APARTMENT AND THIS IS NOT AT ALL INAPPROPRIATE.
Christian sexes her up and then she’s all puddy like and he leaves satisfied that he has screwed her into submission once again. Kate comes to check on her after he leaves, and Ana is in tears, because some part of her, deep down in that tiny unused part of her brain, knows that Christian is a freaked out maniac. But she ignores that part, and goes back to sending Christian email questions about the contract. He writes back in all “shouty” caps and intimidates her from a distance. She falls into a “troubled” sleep.
“He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.” (Ch11 p155)
How is this girl not on a milk carton already?
Ana wakes up the next morning and wants to watch Christian sleep, but can’t because she has “needs – bathroom needs”. Her subconscious wakes up too so that she can “stare at Ana with pursed lips, tapping her foot.” One of the voices in her head has started slut shaming her now. I’m just going to say this now. I’m not making this shit up.
For just a second she wonders if sleeping with total psycho is a good idea, but then she puts her hair in pigtails and skips off to the kitchen to make Christian breakfast. As she remembers her night o’ passion, she has more belly clenching. Then her subconscious starts screaming at her. She really needs to get that checked out.
She cooks the bacon under the grill, which seems like a strange way to do it. Christian comes into the kitchen and makes a vague threat and Ana wishes he would not be so cryptic. Right, cause it’s not like he’s spelled out all his psychotic tendencies in a contract or something oh WAIT. He orders her to eat again. She says she’s not hungry. He yells at her to eat. Ana eats, scolding herself for putting so much on her plate. Yeah, that’s the problem, Ana, your serving sizes.
Ana begs Christian to let her talk to Kate about the sex stuff since she’s so clueless and he informs her that she can ask him. You know, Christian, the one with the room full of torture instruments. They take a bath together. Ana feels desire “down there.” Again. And she bites her lip. Again. And this turns Christian on. Again. And then – this is one of my favorite parts. Christian says “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.” He introduces her to his penis! More hilarity ensues – from me, anyway. That reminds me, for some real fun, you should go to Jennifer’s blog and check out her “Name Christian’s Penis” contest. It is full of win.
Ana gives her first blow job and deep throats him and is so awesome at it even though yesterday she barely knew what a penis was. Ana’s inner goddess emerges again and drools. They leave the tub and Christian ties her hands up with that tie on the cover and Ana thinks “Holy crap.” Then he sexes on her and . . . licks her feet. And then, and then she realizes he is going to kiss her “there”.
Just as they finish the sexing, they hear a voice outside. Zomg, guys, Christian’s mom is there and they are so busted! And so ends Chapter Nine.
Chapter Ten begins and the scene keeps going like the Energizer dildo bunny. Christian orders Ana to get dressed and Ana (giggle) puts on Christian’s boxers, omg, and then she puts on her Converse shoes. They both wear Converse shoes, and take Advil and Nyquil and how many companies are sponsoring this book? She meets Christian’s mommy and blah blah boring and then Jose – the near rapist – calls her and she feels all guilty cause she didn’t call him back. Yeah, Ana, what gives?
Christian’s mommy leaves and his mouth becomes that “hard line” again because Ana talked to another boy. He does more business talk on his phone, cause he’s like a business man, you know? And then he gives Ana the ouchy sexy times contract to look over and advises she do some research. What an idea. Ana reveals that she is the only college student in existence to not have a laptop.
And so they end the chapter. Wait. I check my Nook and it says there are fourteen pages left in this chapter and oh my God you must be kidding me. Christian and Ana leave the room and get in the elevator and Ana asks permission to talk to her friend and Christian says it will all be better when she “submits” and stops “defying” him and then they get in Christian’s car which is a Audi R8 Spyder (cough, product placement) and they drive on the Interstate and listen to music and then what the hell there are still 11 pages left and they stop for food. Because Ana must eat.
Ana wants a Diet Coke but Christian knows better and orders her wine. And the waitress is all hot for Christian because he’s Christian and omg so hot. Christian tells Ana about how his mother’s friend “seduced” him into the whole S&M thing when he was fifteen, which even Ana realizes is statutory rape, but Christian just “smiles fondly at the memory” because he is a freaking psychopath.
He orders her to eat and she says no but he says yes so she eats and he drives her home and he kisses her hand which is “such an old-fashioned, sweet gesture.” And she enters her apartment and crap there are still six pages left and the inner goddess is happy which makes one of us and Ana and Kate go blah blah blah and Ana reveals that even though it was her first time she orgasmed like fifty times because she’s a special snowflake and it occurs to her that hey maybe that NDA he had her sign is not legally enforceable. Hmm. And they talk about moving (closer to Christian! Squeal!) and blah blah and Jose calls and three pages left double crap and Ana tells Jose the attack was like no biggie and Ana ponders Christian again but teeny brain syndrome so she finally opens the envelope with the contract and the chapter ends oh thank you God.
“Oh . . . what to do?” (Ch9 p126)
Leave or get murdered? Ana just can’t decide!
Okay! Moving on! 89 pages in! We’re covering chapters five and six, people! We can do this! I need a strong drink!
Last we left Ana and Christian, Ana had just tossed her cookies and passed out in Christian’s arms. Yay, romance! Ana wakes up in Christian’s bed. Zomg, Ana sees that she is missing her pants. Also her socks! Uh-oh. If we have missed the only sex scene this book has had so far, I’m going to be ticked.
We haven’t. Whew. Ana has orange juice and Advil. The orange juice is thirst-quenching and refreshing. No word about the Advil. Christian walks in wearing sweatpants that hang in that way. You know, that way. And he’s sweaty, which turns Ana on and then she feels like a two-year old. Christian explains to her phlegmatically (which I can only imagine involves lots of mucus) that he brought her to his hotel and took off her pants. But hey, he was honorable.
Ana snaps at him one second and then calls him a courtly knight the next. I think he should have slipped her some Lithium in place of the Advil. Christian explains that he is a dark knight. Oh, if only you were Batman, this story would be so much more interesting, Christian. Mr. so-not-as-cool-as-Batman gets all angry faced because he thinks Ana needs to eat more. Then he says he’d have spanked her if she had been his. His what? His child? Does Christian belong to the clean plate club?
Ana has an I Am Woman moment that lasts all of two seconds before her wacky subconscious shows up and does a happy dance in a hula skirt because the idea of being owned by someone is uber-sexy. Ana squirms with a needy, achy discomfort. Yeast infection? She tries to figure Christian out with her teeny tiny brain, but it’s been deprived of oxygen so much it comes up with an error message.
She has a shower scene in which she gets a little frisky with the body wash. When she comes out, she finds that Christian’s servant has brought her new clothes right down to the lacy underpants. How nice and not at all creepy. Christian commands her to sit and stay and throws Ana a piece of bacon when she obeys. Ana protests Christian buying her expensive things, like he’s trying to control her with money or some other crazy idea. Christian laughs at her and says he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants. OMG HE IS SO SEXY!
They have some not witty banter and other boring conversation for a few pages and then he tells her about how she has to fill out a contract to have sex with him. Hey, sign me up for that! Christian orders Ana to eat. Christian orders Ana to dry her hair. Christian brags about his helicopter. They get in the elevator and Christian has the urge to maul her. There is grunting and grinding until the elevator stops and some business men get on and Christian acts all cool like nothing happened except Ana mentioned that he had an erection so I’m thinking the other guys are probably going to notice the trouser tent.
Chapter Six begins and we are not done with this scene yet oh God just kill me now. Christian drives and plays music that smart people listen to and they talk about how smart it is and then Christian gets some phone calls on his steering wheel. He is totally borrowing the Batmobile, guys! They get to Ana’s apartment and her trampy friend Kate is all making out with Christian’s brother which is so not cool because it is not happening to Ana and Christian leaves and Kate asks if they DID IT and Ana says no and then Kate decides to makeover Ana for her date later with Christian in which they will discuss the sexy times paperwork.
Ana is sanded and prepped and goes to the hardware store and we have the first appearance of her inner goddess. How many voices are we up to now? If you include her regular narrative dialogue, that’s three. Christian picks up Ana and they talk and then they get in an elevator and then they get in the helicopter and Christian warns her not to touch anything because she is a total idiot and he straps her into her car seat and there’s a lot of helicopter doohickey talk for a dozen pages and they finally get to his home which is the size of Caesar’s Palace and they talk about how big everything is and it is such sexy innuendo you know because guess what else is big you will never guess!
And then comes what we’ve all been waiting for! That’s right, the paperwork! Well at least the nondisclosure agreement because who doesn’t sign one of those before sex? And then he tells Ana that he doesn’t “make love” he “fucks hard” and Ana thinks that holy shit that sounds hot and no I did not make up that line it’s in the book.
Speaking of pain, he opens the door to his “playroom” and I get the idea that this is not Pee Wee’s playhouse. Ana advances from Holy Cow to Holy Fuck and the chapter ends. Another cliffhanger! What could be in Christian’s playroom? Are there clowns? Because if there are clowns, I am NOT finishing this book, people. I have to draw the line somewhere.
“What able, cell phone-tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t? Why won’t he kiss me again?”(Ch6p.77)
One of these things is not like the other, Ana.