V-Day? What could that mean? Vaccinate day? Venereal Disease day? Happy New Year? Okay, it’s not Happy New Year, since you could say I missed that one. Along with January. And most of February so far. But hey, I couldn’t miss the most important of days, which is of course Valentine’s Day – though it might involve the other two v days, depending on how you celebrate it.
Or if you celebrate it! I decided to google “Valentine’s Day is . . .” and it turns out people – this will shock you – think it kind of sucks. The first thing I got was “Valentine’s Day is Coming Memes”.
I got very excited about this, especially the article that promised to warm my icy heart. With memes. You might be doubtful about this, oh ye of little faith. But I dideth click on one. There were a lot of super funny memes, like the one where the guy from that office show says yes he has a date for Valentine’s Day and – wait for it – that date is February 14th. Do you get it? It took me a second, and then I
just sat there laughed hysterically. My heart is melted!
Okay I did like this one.
So that was from Bridget (@bridger_w) who took that little snapshot at a Rite-Aid. I now know what to get that special someone.
No more time for “Valentine’s is Coming” memes, though, cause it be right here mah peeps (check out my inclusive language). The second thing to pop up was how much people love this holiday cause it makes them feel super close to their significant other, especially when that other buys them that freaking enormous diamond ring from Jared cause even young children know that Dad is gonna score when he gets their Mom that ring from Jared! And there was nothing at all disturbing about that commercial that played roughly a million times!
Haha, I’m lying of course, because the sentence to pop up next was really “Valentine’s Day is overrated”.
If you’d like to know four, five, ten or even fourteen reasons why this holiday is overrated, all you have to do is google. I can summarize them all for you, though. Valentine’s Day is overrated because it’s a way to make people feel guilty if they don’t get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love to that special person. It also makes people feel lousy if they don’t have someone to make them get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love. This is totally different than Christmas, or birthdays, or anniversaries, etc. because it falls on February 14th. Look! I have a date for Valentine’s Day!
In light of all this negativity, I decided to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day. For all you naysayers out there, it turns out that this holiday is just oozing with happy and love and well this came up first.
Ah those romantic Romans! Executions! That’s just amazing. Two different guys named Valentine get executed on the same day (different years – did he remember or was it luck?) by this Claudius guy, so the Catholic Church martyrs them with St. Valentine’s Day. Clearly the next logical step was to make this day about love and chocolate too, just like Easter!
So there you go, a special Valentine’s Day post. In case you are planning a hot date, don’t forget that once again the perfect movie is out just in time for this day of love and torture!
P.S. Tomorrow the candy is 50 percent off. True love waits.
I was so filled with happy when I got to Facebook; this morning and discovered it was National Grammar Day. A day two celebrate a dying art! I know I tried and use the proper grammaticals each day cause I majors in it when I were in that they’re college and it promotes the dental hygiene did you know some peeps dont understand grammers? And that them peeps, be all over that Internetz? Like OMG its true! One has to asks, “Is our children learning? Well, is they???”
So just four you’re information Im gonna give grammer rules so you not be looking like no fool. Here goes!
1. Don’t worry about (your / you’re), (their / they’re / there), or (its / it’s). There interchangeable! I know I see it all the time on the internetz.
2. If unsure, just throw in, a comma, or two, or even a semicolon; cause it makes you, look smart?
3. When in a hurry just forget about using punctuation at all cause it only slows you down and their are things to do and places to go and people to kill and we aint got time fo dat you know what I mean right
4. It is always “Sam and I” no matter where those words go in the sentence. Always. For instance, Barack Obama gave Ebola to Sam and I.
5. Bloggy is not a word and never will be ever ever ever ever. So stop.
6. Ignore that squiggly lines that appear under you’re words when you types. Their just for decoration!!!
7. Grammar Nazis first appeared in World War II and tortured Jews by inventing lots of random rules four how to write and say stuff but they were German so we dont have to use thems.
8. If you screw up a word enough times it will appear in the dictionary the way you screwed it up! So just keep on keepin’ on.
9. English is a mystical language that not even English teachers understand they just pretend they do so they look smart dont listen!!!
10. If you’re grammars still not gooder after reiding this, you can always get a career as a spammer. Example:
Hey just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your post seem to be running offf tthe screen in Safari.
I’m nott sure iff this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post tto let you know.
The style and design look gret though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Kudos
And one more speshul one for the road:
11. Alice often uses grammar incorrectly. She does this on purpose. It is called stylistic writing and means she is hipster not dumb. Someone tell her mom.
Any other grammar rules you’d like people to follow? Or maybe forget? Let me know in the comments below!
Hullo, Alice here. I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day! Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.
Are they gone? Great, it’s just us. Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:
That’s right, folks! Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned! 50 Shades of Crap – er Grey! I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row. I guess even they have standards.
Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:
I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one. Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies. But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.
Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended). I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out. Will I get it on video? Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions. For instance:
1. The tampon scene
If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it. Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie. Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.
2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.
I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.
3. Christian’s lobby
There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.
Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ’em. Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something. They should go all out (and in) on this.
5. The way Christian’s pants hang.
Just how DO they hang? From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark? Maybe they hang from his nipples? The world must know.
6. The emails
Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness? I can’t wait.
7. The sex scenes
I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).
8. The bicycle incident
Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle. I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star. It’s not like he could fall that much farther.
9. Christian’s long fingers
I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.
10. Ana’s multiple personalities
Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess? I expect pom poms.
And that’s just the START of my questions. Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books. Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse. I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting. For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins. If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.
I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun. So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history? Do you have any guesses about what it will be like? Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place? Let me know in the comments below!
So I was really disappointed this Saturday when there was no “ER Sexy Times” episode. Instead it was yet another show with sex in the title – “Secret Sex Stories”. So secret it’s totally on cable! Wow, I was really interested since it was going to have a woman with the biggest natural boobs like ev-ah, but they didn’t glow in the dark or anything special, so bo-ring. Also, this show didn’t promise to send one of the idiots involved to the hospital. I mean, duh, the best part is watching them get injured. I figured instead I would just take the quiz that TLC had on their website, because you know how much I love taking pointless quizzes.
The quiz was called “Bedroom Habits Exposed: How Does Your Sex Life Compare?” Oh, goody! You all wanted to know what was goin’ down in the Wonderhood right? I didn’t think so. There were some fascinating questions, and even better were the answers people gave.
Each question played a clip from ER Sexy Times underneath. Sometimes the clip had something to do with the question, but most of the time it was just a random bit from the show. I was sad not to see the tree sex people, since I definitely most identified with them.
The first question was: “Where’s the best place to have a quickie?”
Now some of you weirdos might be thinking “bed” or even “couch” but sorry, neither of these are listed cause who does that? The choices were:
- A. In a dark closet
- B. It’s going down in the bathroom
- C. Hit the stop button and get it done in the elevator
- D. Pull off the highway and get in the back of the car.
It was really hard to decide. I mean, who hasn’t been getting dressed for work in a dark closet, tripped, and landed on their husband’s peen? Maybe people not married to men. And the bathroom? As long as you have the shower head, who needs anyone else, right? Sex in an elevator – lovin’ it up as you’re goin’ down? Heck yeah! This way you can not only inconvenience all the people waiting for the elevator, you can get bodily fluids all over a public place, and probably get filmed by the security camera. The video will then appear on youtube, and make you wildly famous. Humping in the back seat of the car is great too, especially when a cop pulls over to arrest you for public indecency.
I left out a few of the questions because the answers were so sexist. I mean, for some reason TLC assumes only women and gay guys are taking this quiz. I guess the straight men are all busy taking quizzes on what kind of power tool they’d go out with or something. So I just left the most P.C. questions, just to show I care.
Next question: What are you most afraid of hurting during sex?
- Oh, geez, definitely my vagina
- Penis, that’s the baby maker
- All the sex could cause a heart attack
- I’m afraid of head injury
I don’t know about you men, but I’m pretty concerned about hurting my coochie. But we ladies are also concerned about your body parts because, hello, babiezz! If your penis is all smooshed, how you gonna knock us up, huh? Otherwise, like, who cares? A heart attack is totally possible, because sometimes we eat at KFC before getting’ our groove on. Moving on, head injuries? Oh, yeah, big worry there. My husband is always whacking my head into walls, car doors, trees, telephone poles, and wherever else we happen to be when the mood strikes. I always bring Tylenol for protection, just in case.
Question Three: What gets you in the mood?
- Reading a romance novel; hello Mr. Grey
- A great date, followed by drinks in the apartment
- An adult film, it’s to the point.
- Champagne and strawberries
What gets me in the mood? Well, besides “ER Sexy Times” and “balloon animals”, I’m obviously gonna have to go with A. Reading 50 Shades of Grey. That is such a major turn on I can hardly keep from puking in my sexy bathroom.
Question Four: How do you describe your lovemaking?
- Sensual and Tender
- Like Rihanna’s song “S&M”
- Yee haw, ride ‘em, cowboy!
Sensual and tender? Hahaha! How risky is that? No, better to go with whips and chains and your occasional buttplug. But if your budget is low, you can always DIY S&M with rakes and leaf blowers. I’m not sure if my lovemaking is unemotional. I think it’s very emotional, especially if the Olympics is playing on the TV at the same time. And as for the last one? Oh, yes, of course, nothing like sex on a mechanical bull to keep your juices going and your marriage hot, hot, hot!
Question Five: What’s your favorite part about sex?
- The connection with another human being
- It’s a great workout
- The foreplay
- Ummm, hello . . . orgasm!
Pfft, I love how one of the answers is “connection with another human being.” Good grief, thanks to “Strange Addictions” I now know that human beings are actually optional. In case you’re not sure about your partner, here is a handy cheat sheet you can use when selecting dates. The following are NOT human:
Donald Trump’s hair piece
Alright then, with that out of the way, is sex a great workout? It depends on how long you can keep going at it. You know how some people say they have sex for hours and hours? If it takes that long to have sex, someone’s doing something wrong. Foreplay can only go on for so long, unless you happen to be in a porno. So foreplay’s out too. That leaves us with “orgasm” as the best part of sex. Like, duh, of course it is. Unless you’re like this lady here, then it gets kind of old.
Okay then the answers. The largest majority of people (32%) thought quickies in the bathroom were the best. And here I thought you like, went pee in there and stuff. I never realized how much romance could be found! Lesson learned. 47% were afraid of hurting the old va-jay-jay (I have to wonder how many of these people were men or balloon animals), and 24% were afraid of hurting the babiezz maker. Only 15% were afraid of head injuries, so SOME people have really boring sex lives, clearly.
46% said a great date and booze got them in the mood. Only 15% thought 50 Shades of Grey got them in the mood. You might note that this is the same percentage of people who were afraid of head injuries during sex. Coincidence? I think not. 33% described their lovemaking as “Ride ‘em, cowboy!” That’s nice to know. Finally, favorite part of sex? It was pretty evenly divided between “connection with another human” and “orgasm.” No word on whether the “orgasm” ones read my cheat sheet or not.
So there you have it. I have to say, this quiz was at least as informative as Cosmo, and had the added bonus of video clips which you usually don’t have in Cosmo. Otherwise Cosmo would be much more popular with both sexes. If you’d like to take the quiz, go to this link here.
So question of the day – what gets you guys in the mood?
In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read. Now we continue . . .
Bambi here. SNIFF. I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday. Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head. I mean heart. And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus. I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur. Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have. Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!
Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job. I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic. My boss is named Frank N Stein. He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me. Bitches.
But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email! Zomg it was Dick Head! I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride. Guess what? Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile! I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares? Yay me! I am on cloud ten.
But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.
Dick Head and I are back together! It was so romantical! First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible. I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it! You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!
After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance. He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha. He’s so sweet like that. At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham. Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.
I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded. Turns out they were vaginal bombs. I didn’t know they made those. He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me. I’m so confused. I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.
I am so upset! Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me. I’m so scared. I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her? I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.
I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday. Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs. I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”
At least I get to text Dick at work. He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth. Like this:
Dick: Wear r u?
Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!
Dick: B rite ther k?
I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness! She said “Hello Dahlink.” Zomg it was terrible! She was PRETTY! But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away. I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras. Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.
I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night! He was all twisted around me like a snake. Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.
He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again! I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick. He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.
But I had to go to work even on a Saturday! Like, so annoying! Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work. But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.
It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein. He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD. I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan. She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.
But when I got inside there was the Baroness again! Zomg she looked even hotter than before! Also she had a gun! She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away. So she could get him herself I bet! No way!
But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there! He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over. Turns out – she was a robot! From the future! I am just so confused. How did they make a robot so pretty?
I am so ANGUISHED again. Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me? I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend. Huh.
Frank N Stein was alone again! What were the chances? This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt. I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).
Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?
Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby
Bambi: K. Tivo pls?
Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull. It was far out. He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think. I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby. When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”
Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what? I am now the head vet! I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important. Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.
Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me! Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left. He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me! Zomg!
I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman. I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that. What to do? What to do?
Dick Head and I are, like, engaged! I am SO happy I could pee! He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either. He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha! I mean love!
Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?
When I first started reviewing 50 Shades of Awful and Twidud, I figured I’d get some angry fan spittle all over my blog. Even when I had only a handful of viewers, it wouldn’t have surprised me. There are some fans so dedicated they will seek out anybody, no matter how small, in order to protect their sacred cow (moooo). And yet – I never heard a peep. In fact, one person who was a fan of Shades still thought I was funny and reblogged my post. Go figure.
Then it happened. A troll. A real, live troll! On my blog! It was a wondrous day, you guyz. I had to read the comment a few times to make sure it was real. It was so much better than the spammers (this blog to read is educational to be coming back soon.) You’ll never guess what post irritated the reader. Not 50 Shades, not Twilight, not my occasional political ramblings, not the times I screwed up revered American holidays like Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving. Nope.
It was Dragon Tales. It’s been a while since I’ve done a review of awful children’s T.V. I must get back to this, now that I’ve finished awful adult books. But the troll was angry! He or she told me “Dragon Tales is a good show! It’s for kids, not for 40-year-old fartheads like you!” Said troll had no blog, just an email address that went something like “dragontalesmaniacalfreakedoutfan.” Let me tell you, I was deeply saddened by this insult. For your information, troll, I am NOT forty, okay?
And that’s not all! There was another comment on another post, this one about how Clifford was either doin’ steroids or exposed to nuclear waste. It said, and I quote “Again, mean!” Mean? Me? I thought my blog was sweetness and light! Now I’m all disillusioned.
I thought this was the end of it, but I think this person has a whole fan club that is still tracking my blog. I keep getting hits because of it. Check out the most recent search words people used to find my blog. Just today: dragon tales (10), dragon tails (2), dragon tale (1), dragontales (1), and yesterday: dragon tales (11), dragon’s tale (3), dragon tale (1). And this has been going on for a while now. It might be my new top search word this year. It would help if this fan club could figure out how to spell Dragon Tales.
Far out, huh? This just goes to show you how bizarre the Internet can be. I suppose I should be thankful to these guys for giving my blog traffic. Therefore, I’ve decided to review it again. Here’s the original post for any of you who missed it. And a clip of the show, too. Guard your stomachs.
Upon reviewing the show again, dear troll, I have to say . . . it still sucks. Yeah. Pretty much. I mean, yes, it is for children and not adults. But adults are usually forced to watch this crap too. Unless they prefer to neglect their children like Max and Ruby’s parents. (Max and Ruby review coming up, Max and Ruby fans!) Besides, just because it’s for kids doesn’t mean it can’t have a little quality to it. For instance, I can watch Sesame Street without gagging as long as I turn it off before the Elmo comes on. But Dragon Tales makes the mistake of not only being annoying and stupid, but pretentious about it.
So sorry to spill your milk there (everyone makes mistakes, oh yes, they do) but I don’t like it. Sure the dragons teach the kids Spanish (Why are the dragons Spanish? Do they also have Russian dragons? Scottish ones?) but we already had Dora for that (Saltaaaaaaaaaa!) We didn’t need any more. I mean, Dora was shrieky and irritating, but at least she didn’t whine nearly as much as these so-called dragons. So, yeah, review stands. On the suck-o-meter, we have a ten. But please – do come back. I’ll leave the rug cleaner out for you.
Love and kisses,
Last chapter! Last chapter! Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter. I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages. What the hell? Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time. Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was. There is an Epilogue. Okay. Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages. I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps. The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.
Wait just a fucking second. Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view. In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there. Thank God for whoever leaked that book. But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.
Okay. I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me. Wrong choice of words. Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus. I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?
Moving on. There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care. Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father. I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father. The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her. And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones. Run, Mrs. Jones, run!
Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago. Nevermind, not going back to look. They go see the new house. Blah blah. They go have a picnic. Blah. Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde! Who gives a shit? Not me! He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana. Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by. They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.
Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.
She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again. My head hits the desk. End Chapter. Begin Epilogue. Crap in a hat.
OMG, James actually skips a few years. Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list. Bestseller. Sigh. Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild. You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever. But, um, she’s pregnant. I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses. Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?
It gets worse. I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe. After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”
Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap. Blah blah. And then . . . oh geez, why, why???? Okay. Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them. Just wait. Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James? Seriously. There is something seriously wrong here. Please say she doesn’t have children.
One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END. Except NOT. There are still pages with words on them. First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old. It’s as fascinating as it sounds. Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view. Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper. I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE. DONE, do you hear me? DONE! I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.
“That’s all. For now.” Good grief. She even ends it with a threat. But at least it ENDS. I’m going to have a drink. Or ten. Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it. You guys are the best, and all get As. Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.
Almost, almost there. I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina. Okay, so last time I asked you two questions: Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____. Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____. Some great answers here. Kirstenhwhyte accidentally got 23 totally right, as you’ll see below. And there were other answers that would have fit just as well, like buttplug (can be inserted into any sentence. Inserted. Snort), brain-dead, murder, gay, bang, pow, crack whores, cool whip, puppy, fart, vengeful wizard, wet dream, dunderhead, punchable, and of course, Robot Jesus. You guys rock.
Back to the neverfuckingending story. Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be freaking annoying. See, she goes in and out of consciousness, so we get little snippets of conversations. Ana has bruised ribs and a fractured skull (fortunately nothing important was damaged). Christian is suddenly concerned about the spawn and is informed that it is fine. Because it’s a freaking demon and nothing can kill it, duh.
Christian’s dad says Ana is so brave and Christian says she’s crazy and stupid. Gonna go with Christian on this one. The Cocker Spaniel is safe – she was only drugged. I can’t blame Jack for that – I’d have done it too. She hears her dad tell Christian “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will.” I’m not making that up. Just, yuck, gross, blech, ughhhhhh. Ana “spirals down into oblivion” – I wish she’d do that permanently.
Ana finally wakes up fully because she needs to pee. It’s so refreshing to hear about a romantic heroine’s need to eliminate bodily waste. Again. The nurse tells Ana she has a catheter, so you know, she could just go, but she thinks ew, gross. So we get this extended scene where Christian wants to see them take the catheter out but the nurse says no and then Christian insists on carrying Ana to the pot and they argue about whether he can watch and bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk.
Christian acts like a total asshole to the medical staff, ignoring their orders not to let Ana have food and I really hope she pukes it up all over him. As usual, Ana is in the hospital, but it is all about Christipoo who has “died a thousand deaths” again and no you haven’t, you haven’t even died once, damn it. He says he behaved badly (duh) and yay Ana is alive but he’s pissed at her and my head spins. Also he tells her she has no regard for her personal safety. Well, yeah, that’s why she’s with you, asshole.
Christian fills her in on more stupid crap about Hyde, the one who nearly killed her, but she’s most concerned about his ex because she’s Ana and she’s an idiot. Ana has Twinnings breakfast tea again. If I ever see that brand of tea, I will start a riot at the grocery store and stomp all of it into the ground. End chapter.
Chapter 24 begins and we are still in the same place we were last chapter arghhh. Ana made the papers, cause being the wife of the King of England, people give a damn about what happens to her. Oh, wait. The detective comes to talk to her about Hyde, but James skips that cause like, boring. Ana is told she can leave soon and Christian asks the most important question which is when can she have sex? Of course. Her father comes to see her and berates her for being a dumbass. I love the way the men show they care.
They have to take the back entrance cause of the paparazzi (psst Ana is queen) and they get home and take a shower together but no sex even though Ana is so desperate for it. Even with a concussion and bruised ribs. Right. After he soaps her all up we get to hear how Elizabeth was helping Jack cause he fucked her and kept blackmail tapes of it and . . . who exactly was Jack going to show this to? It makes as much sense as Jack getting out on bail yet NO ONE on the entire security team knowing this teensy bit of info. Duh-oh.
Christian warns Ana no more recklessness or he will “spank the living shit” out of her cause her Dad totally told him he could. No words for this. There’s more Ana begging for sex cause she can’t resist the power of psycho and then we hear how Christian was in the same foster home as Jack Hyde and that’s why Jack wanted to hurt Christian cause their paths were so similar and blah blah shitdoodle. None of this back story was necessary. Jack could have hated Christian for any number of reasons. This is just so lame, even for James.
Mia the spaniel shows up, and it’s a party of Ana you are so brave and Christian you are so special vomitttttt. And we find out Christian and Jack’s foster mom read him Are you my mother? and now James is ruining children’s literature stop it nowwwww. Speaking of kid stories, though, Christian decides to get Ana to sleep by telling her a sweet bedtime story about how he started screwing Mrs. Robinson. End chapter.
These chapters bit (-500 Batpoints), but the worst is yet to come! Next up, campers, is THE END – or IS IT? For your final Pop Quiz, write an essay about how much these recaps have changed your life. You are free to state your opinion. You’ll be graded for it, so you know, keep that in mind too. Be sure to cite your sources and show your work and all that crap!
Home stretch, peeps, home stretch. It’s like when you’re doing Yoga, and the nice lady tells you to just hold that awkward pose for a little bit longer. Just a little bit. And you fall over and Charlie Horse! Wait, no, we are going to hold the pose, guys. And I just lost track of my own metaphor.
Anyway, I asked two questions to my faithful and somewhat deranged readers. Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor? Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
In response there were Veggietale song lyrics about Ana’s vagina (the Veggietale / 50 Shades of Grey crossover sounds more promising all the time), mentions of Ana winning a medal by orgasming and queefing and giving the best BJs ever, and finally, several people pointed out that there could be no plot device in lieu of an actual plot. Good points, all.
I also received this disturbing information from purpleperceptions in my email. It made me faceplant on my desk. Repeatedly. Here it is:
No time for tears. Let’s get on with this incredible writing, shall we? So last we left Ana-dumkins, she was freaked out because Christipoo had been out with the “bitch troll” Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex that she does not obsess about constantly. Oh, she can forgive all the other stuff Christian does: the emotional abuse, the beatings, the way he makes her fear for her safety – but crap, he had a drink with his ex! That is unforgivable. So she “rocks to and fro” like baby, with “hot scalding tears” and I don’t give a shit.
When she’d done whining for a bit, she looks through Christian’s emails and finds one about crap related to the investigation into that guy who tried to rape and kidnap her. Ana thinks, meh, and goes back to bitching to herself about the ex. You know how some people sleep on the couch when they’re mad? Well, Ana locks herself in the playroom where Christian beats her, and goes right to sleep. Yeah.
So the next morning, Ana comes out and has this argument with Christian, or rather, she mostly ignores the asshole. Wait, what was that – a – a – spine? No way. She purposely takes off her clothes in front of him, does this twisted strip tease thing, and okay, maybe a spine, but a stupid one, wtf. She actually says stuff that makes sense, like that she “chose a defenseless baby” over her “spineless” husband. Hey, way to go, Ana! Those are some awesome last words there!
Ana goes on about how hot she looks, blah blah and Christian notices and starts to make a move. She tells him she’ll scream if he comes closer, he says no one will hear her (gawds this is so romantic) and she asks if he’s trying to frighten her. Christian is dumbfounded. Dur, that makes you scared when I say stuffs like that? Yet Ana thinks that if he touches her, she will surely succumb to his “sexpertise” but since she doesn’t, she clearly “deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor”. You know who really deserves that medal, Ana? The readers, that’s who.
Ugh, Ana goes to work and colors some pictures and sees her Dad who tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and then sees Mrs. Jones who also tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and if you believe, just believe, then Christian will become a fairy princess! Ana gets an email from Christipoo, but it doesn’t have cutesy flirty and oh nooos! Then she gets a call from Mia, but eh oh, it’s not the chirpy Cocker Spaniel, it’s . . . dun dun dun . . . Jack Hyde! End chapter.
Since I know you can’t stand the suspense, we’ll go right into Chapter 22. Jack informs the “prick-teasing, gold-digging whore” Ana that he has kidnapped that “little bitch” Mia. You have to love the cute nicknames they give the women in these books. In case you’ve forgotten (I’ve tried) Mia is Christian’s irritating, chirpy little sister. He tells Ana to get 5 million dollars to him but not to tell Christian or his security team or the cops (pfft, like anyone goes to the cops in these books?) Ana, brilliant girl that she is, agrees to his demands.
This sounds familiar. I have images of a dance studio, and another stupid skinny chick being tossed into mirrors because she went to rescue someone without the help of those more powerful. Could it be . . . nah, this is a COMPLETELY original book, you guys.
Jack says he’ll “fuck Mia up” before he kills her and I’m wondering if he means beat her or rape her or just insult her because fuck is used so often in this book I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore. Ana tells her secretary she has to leave early, again, as if this is a big thing. She hasn’t done a damn thing since she took the job but email, leave early, and yammer with Christian and his ex-girlfriends.
She finds Leila’s loaded gun that Christian tossed in the drawer and thinks “Jeez, he could get hurt” and I’m thinking if only. There’s a bunch of wacky hijinks with Ana tricking the security team and peeling out in her car (she gets to drive!) on her way to the bank (which is sleek, modern, and understated by the way). She asks the teller for 5 million and the teller (named Ms. Insincere Smile) immediately hops to when she hears that Ana is Christian’s wife. OMG a celebrity! Being married to Christian makes her even cooler than that Kardashian chick.
But eh oh, the teller guy calls Christian just because some strange chick claiming to be his wife wants to take out 5 million. I mean, jeez. Christian assumes she must be leaving him (like she’s that intelligent) and Ana goes with it since she doesn’t want Christipoo to interfere while she rescues the Cocker Spaniel, er, his sister. He tells her to take all the money and Ana wonders why oh why was she so upset just because he beat her and hung her up on the ceiling and constantly berated her for breathing funny?
Ana starts “weeping copiously” and the teller asks if he can get her some water (again with the water) and Ana says sure. Not like she’s on a deadline or anything. She feels the reassuring pistol at her waist and wait a freaking second – she’s in a bank and they didn’t even . . . nevermind. Jack informs her that there’s a getaway car in the back of the bank (the Dodge! I hope it is painted up like the Joker’s car. That would be perfect.)
It’s not the Joker in the car, but Elizabeth from the office (she was, like Jack’s boss, I think? I don’t care). They meet up with Jack at an abandoned playground (what no dance studio?) and suddenly we really are in a Batman episode. Jack slaps Ana (WHAP!), she bounces onto the concrete (BANG!) and then he kicks her in the ribs (KAPOW!) Ana remembers the gun and shoots him in the knee (PING!) and then passes out (WONK!) Chapter End.
Final Score: Pfft, screw the grading. I give it a -500 on the Batscale.
Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.
Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.
If you’ll notice, we will be covering two lessons today, class. This is in an effort to finish the book before E.L. notices and adds more chapters. Not that I’m paranoid or anything but DON”T TELL HER OKAY??? Right. So last time I asked you to fill in the blanks of this question. “In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.”
You all failed, like always, but there were some really awesome answers. But the best answer had nothing to do with the question and came from faithhopechocolate when we got into a discussion about what would happen if Bob and Larry from the Veggietales had to cover 50 Shades of Grey.
Bob: Now kids, what do you think is going wrong here?
Larry: Well, Bob, it’s pretty clear that God will forgive them, but maybe they should try forgiving each other first
Bob: Larry, it’s not going to happen. No matter how hard we pray, EL James will still be a bad writer with her so-called hero being a complete psychopath.
Larry: Bob, that’s sad. Can we pray?
I laughed so hard I think I broke something. I’d also think I was hell bound, except that this was made up by a lady who is becoming a Sister, so I think I’m safe. Maybe. Anyway, you’ll find out the answer soon enough, and it will be more horrible than you can possibly imagine.
Okay, so Ana’s dad woke up. So of course Ana and Christian must celebrate with disturbing sex! (Sexy Times, Alice Pukes, AliceScreams) Hooray! He trusses her up in her robe and has her touch herself. (Alice Pukes) Jeez, Christian, the whole point of masturbation is that you don’t need a moron like you around for it. (Facepalm) Way to ruin that as well. So this goes on for pages until Christian says “Come on, Ana” her cue to orgasm with him. (AliceScreams) I once again wonder if there is ever a problem with him asking her to follow and her suddenly falling on the ground in an earth shattering orgasm. That could be interesting at a family dinner.
There’s a lot more nothing. The detective comes back and blah blah Jack Hyde (remember him? I don’t) says Ana seduced him yadda yadda and fingerprints on the helicopter blah and Hyde’s a “fucker” and a “fucking asshole” with a “fucking game”. I’m all out of fucks. (BoredNow) Ana then goes to see her Dad and says “Laters, Daddy” (AnaFail) which is so not messed up and then is walking out of the hospital when her gynecologist, who apparently stalks her, runs up and insists Ana go get a peek and a poke right this second! (WTF).
So the gyno wants to know why Ana cancelled four appointments. Well, doctor, there could be a number of reasons. Maybe she got a new doctor. Maybe she chose a new birth control. Maybe she decided not to take birth control. And anyway, why is it your fucking business? (RedFlag) I mean, I have to schedule my gyno exams at least a year in advance to get into my doctor, yet Ana has one following her around begging her to come in? (WTF) What kind of doctor is this? Oh, wait, Christian chose her. (RedFlag, FacePalm) Nevermind.
So she has Ana take a pregnancy test before she gives her another birth control shot, and you’ll just never, never guess what happens! That’s right! Ana is now carrying a spawn of Satan – er, I mean, Christian. (Alice Cries) Ana reacts to the news like us readers. “What? No, no, no. Fuck.” End Chapter 19.
So chapter 20 begins and we’re still with the stalker gyno, who is also quite the condescending bitch. (AliceScreams) There’s this whole bit with the doctor offering her water (secretaries offer water, nurses offer water, gynos offer water, and we get to hear all about it) and Ana accepting. (AliceScreams) Then the doc says, what the hell, she’ll just give her an ultrasound cause she’s got time and there’s one right there in the same room. (WTF) Yeah, no need for an appointment or anything. Walk-in gynecological exams and sonograms are totally normal. (FacePalm)
Poor stupid Ana thinks the shot is supposed to be good birth control, but the doc says “It normally is when you remember to take the shot.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Ooh, snap, Ana! She totally freaks when the doc asks her to remove her panties, even though she does this like ten or twelve times a day. (AnaFail) I wonder if Taylor will be summoned to get her more panties while her legs are up in the stirrups.
Now it starts getting good. We get to meet sparkly wand! For more info, see Storkhunter’s informative blog. She puts a condom over the wand (remember, guys, always practice safe sex with your transvaginal ultrasounds) and sticks that sucker up her hoo-ha. (Alice Pukes) Ana thinks “holy fuck” cause like it’s been almost an hour since someone stuck something up there. The doctor then shows her the tiny blip that is her spawn on the screen. Ana continues to call it “blip”. (AnaFail) I call it “the bad seed”.
Then the doc, who five seconds ago was giving Ana hell for not using her birth control right, says “Oh, looks like the shot ran out early.” Like, wtf? So was it Ana’s fault for not getting a shot or not? Just – can you keep continuity within the same damn chapter, James? Too much? (AliceScreams)
Ana has all sorts of arguments with the voices in her head, and she’s certain Christian will hate her when she’s all fat with baby. (AnaFail) Also Christian will be mad because she didn’t get permission to get knocked up. But mostly she’ll be fat. Oh, nooos, what to do? We all know the answer. Email! (AliceScreams)
They say nothing, as usual, and Ana wonders if she should tell him after sex or during sex. (WTF) I say during, Ana, while you’re strapped up all dignified like. She sees her dad, and subconscious says sure you’ll see your dad again “provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse” I could see being nervous about it, but honestly thinking your husband is actually going to murder you – hint, hint. This is not a healthy relationship. (Fucking Red Flag).
I figure E.L. will drag this out more, but nope, she tells Christian, who acts like a mature adult and says “we’ll be okay.” Haha, just kidding. He totally flips his shit and acts like an asshole, screaming at Ana loving stuff like “This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up!” (Red Flag, Red Flag, RED FLAG) Wow. Be sure to record this one for the baby book, Ana.
Christian walks out on her, and Mrs. Jones gives her the magic cure for domestic abuse – tea! She goes to bed, and Christipoo returns, stinking drunk. He whines about the “invader” and how Ana will “choose him over me.” (RedFlag) Wah. Shut the fuck up, Christian. Ana gets him into bed, and then finds his cell phone and realizes he’s been out drinking with his former lover and child abuser, the ebil Mrs. Robinson. (Facepalm) And now Ana’s mad – not because her husband treated her like shit, but because of a woman, of course. (AnaFail, Double Facepalm) Ana, you’re an idiot, and there is no hope for this child. It’s going to grow up to be Macauley Culkin for certain.