Tag Archives: 50 Shades of Puke

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Thirteen

I thought about skipping this lesson because thirteen is unlucky, right?  Then I got concerned that maybe that would be the one chapter where James sneakily hid the plot and I would miss it.  So I read it.  Now I wish I’d skipped it.  And the rest of the book.

Yet class must go on!  You may be wondering about the answer to our last question: “In the next chapter A) Slutty realtor shows up and sluts up the place B) Kate is sadfaced because Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana C) Nothing happens or D) all of the above.  As usual, most of you completely missed the mark, but the absolute best at this was Twindaddy with this answer: “Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.”  I laughed so hard Oompa Loompas came out of my nose.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

But the time for laughter is over, cause we’re back to this shitty book.  If you recall, last chapter the Moron Brigade were all on their way to Aspen on Christian’s Bat Jet.  They get to Ana’s house (Zomg she owns a house in Aspen!  Who cares?) and Ana thinks, hey, they’re at a freaking ski lodge, maybe she could learn to ski.  But Christian gets madfaced and says “You might break your neck.” (RedFlag) I’m failing to see the problem here. Kate looks sadfaced and Ana thinks maybe it has to do with that psycho Jack Hyde, then she realizes that this place was designed by Slutty Realtor who had a fling with Christian’s brother (who just happens to be Kate’s boyfriend, keep up)!  Clearly a rival female is cause for much more alarm than a psycho murderer. (AnaFail)

Ana expresses her concern and Christian replies that his brother Elliot “has fucked most of Seattle.” Well, thank goodness.  I was afraid Kate was going to get away without 25 different kinds of venereal disease. (Facepalm) “Mainly women” Christian adds – as a joke.  Cause it’s funny, huh?  The idea that he could be gay.  Talk about a joke! (Double Facepalm)  They joke some more about how terrible it would have been if Christian were some gay freak, as opposed to a straight freak, and yes, James, we get it.  Gay people are funny.  Hee hee. (AliceRage)

Every character should really read this informative book.

Every character should really read this informative book.

Yes, that Christian is sure a prize.  Ana says, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for Cancer, and all three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”  Think about that for a moment.  Hang on a sec.  I’m going to smack my head against a door.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bannnnnnnnggggg!

Okay, I’m back.  That’s just such a perfect description for this guy.  He’s like winning the fucking lottery.  No, wait, he’s like better than a cure for Cancer, you know, that horrible disease that kills millions of people worldwide.  Or a magic lamp, where you could wish for a cure for Cancer, or for millions of dollars, or fuck, a Klondike bar.  He is better than all of this.  Yup.  Yup.  I’m just, not even, you know I just . . . moving on. (Big Freakin’ AnaFail)

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Next up, something horrible happens.  An atom bomb falls and blows up the ski lodge!  Wait, that would be a good thing.  No, the horrible thing is rain.  That’s right.  It dared to rain and spoil their fun (Facepalm).   Fuck you, rain.  But all is not lost.  Mia decides that the girls can do girly stuff, which is shopping, while the boys can do boy stuff, which is fishing.  Just so you’ve got these sex roles straight here.

Well Ana and the girls go shopping and Ana spends enough money to get some pretty good research on that silly Cancer cure going on a dress that doesn’t cover her ass.  Zomg, it’s like so overpriced and poor Ana she has to spend all this money and gosh it makes her so uncomfortable! (AnaFail)  Afterward, Ana sees Elliot across the way and he is talking to Slutty Realtor which must mean they are dun dun dunnnnn having an affair!  Because they’re, like, talking!  I don’t care! (BoredNow)

No, I'm sad.  See.  A tear.  Totally sad.

This is me caring.

They get back to the lodge and Kate and Ana talk about “Cocktailgate” which is code for that time Christian acted like an asshole cause Ana went out for drinks with her friend.  And you know what?  I hear gate thrown on the end of one more word I’m just going to smack that person really, really hard.  Not everything is a gate.  Stop it.

Kate is sadfaced because Elliot is “distant”.  Again, not caring.  There’s more pages to this chapter.  Why?  Ana goes to the garage and blah blahs with Elliot until Christian gets back.  They decide to take a bath but not before sexy times but thank God she skips over it.  My head already hurts from the door.  So moving on . . . they’re taking a bath and Christian kisses her toes and man, I really thought I might make it through without vomiting this time!  They finish the bath and Ana tries on the dress and then, oh shit, not this again.  She emails Christian because he’s totally like two rooms away.

It's just not right.  Why?  Why????

It’s just not right. Why? Why????

Christian comes to check out the dress, and we get to the very best part, the part that makes her “Christian is better than a cure for Cancer” bit sound totes awesome.  Christian notes the edge of the dress is not far from her hoo-ha and just to make sure she gets it, he sticks his . . . hang on.  The door.  Then the toilet.

Thanks a lot, book.

Thanks a lot, book.

Bang, bang, bang, puuuuuuuke.

He sticks his finger up inside her and says “This is mine.”  And I just realized that the AliceScreams deduction, which takes 20 points off, is just not enough for this chapter.  I’m going with the (Ihatethisfuckingbookomghowcanheownhervaginathatsnotrightarghhhh) deduction which is 500 points off.  That’s right.  500 points.  Methinks James will once again fail this chapter.  Oh, but there’s still two more pages.

They all go out to dinner, blah blah, then Elliot asks Kate to marry him which I totally didn’t see coming at all and BAM the chapter is OVER Hallelujah Praise Jehovah and Pass the Buttplugs.

Final Score 100 -18 -500 =-518
Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

pop quiz

In our next installment of This Fucking Book . . . you know, I think I’ll switch it up and ask a Math question.
If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown?  Answer below!