Tag Archives: 50 shades parody

Post? What Post?

This post is hereby dedicated to all the posts I forgot to do.  The ideas I said I’d surely continue but never did.  I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but about the only ‘series’ I have actually finished is 50 Shades.  That’s a bit sad.  I’m not sure if I have ADD – but I do know I have CRC (can’t remember crap).  Fortunately, either my readers also have CRC or they just don’t care if I finish or not.  But just for the heck of it, I thought I’d bring up the number of ideas I had and then abandoned.  Thanks to this guy.

What'd I do?  Huh?  Got any nuts?

What’d I do? Huh? Got any nuts?

I started with this October and worked my way backwards, cause that’s how I roll.  Backwards.  Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I never did go back and finish the movie recap of this little gem:

I just know you're on the edge of your seat waiting.

I just know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting.

Oddly enough, I have not heard any clamor for, hey, Alice, you only did the first like 15 minutes of this movie!  We really want to see more!  Like more of Jeremy Irons and his No Good, Very Bad Day.

Why, Jeremy, why?

Why, Jeremy, why?

But that’s not all!  Surely you guys remember . . .

Boppo!

Boppo!

My little creation from the disturbed computer game The Sims 2.  haven’t tortured this guy in AGES.  My kids have been most disappointed because I am apparently raising them to be virtual killing machines.  Anyway, I do intend to get back to Boppo eventually, but I got distracted by a little side project that I think you might enjoy even more.  Here’s a sneak peek.

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Who else have I forgotten?  Well, this lady technically belongs on the Wonder Twins blog (see above in the headings for yet another plug for my other blog) but she has been strangely absent.

Mary Alice, where are you???

Mary Alice, where are you???

I’m not sure if the cleaning fumes got to her or she finally had a complete meltdown, killed her husband with a frying pan, and then ran off to the nuthouse.  More likely she’s just still vacuuming.  On the plus side, Marlene has been keeping up appearances.  Marlene is a lot more interesting.  Maybe Mary Alice should find the trampier side of Sears.

Another thing you’ve been missing but you probably haven’t realized you have, which is highly dangerous for your astrological welfare, is my horoscope readings.

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars?  How will you ever know without ME?

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars? How will you ever know without ME?

Just because I get my predictions from the likes of Dove candy wrappers and my own feverish brain does not mean they are any less accurate than the ones you get in your daily paper.  Your newspaper.  You know, it’s made out of newsprint and they throw it on your sidewalk and . . . what’s newsprint?  Oh, never mind.

Speaking of people who can’t read anything longer than a Cosmo article (this includes me), there’s Bambi!  And Dick Head!  The stars of my 50 Shades parody (I swear I can write about other stuff.  Maybe.).

It's me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

It’s me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

I wrote parodies of the first two books but the last one remains unfinished.  It could be because every book in the real series is just a repeat of the one before that, but still.  If I finished the real books, I should finish further insulting James with my parody.  Right?

Oh and there were others, like my weight loss quest (pfft) and my yoga to make me relax quest (double pfft) and so on.  I’m not sure when or if I’m getting back on that horse.  Horses.  Whatever.  Anyway, this was basically the equivalent of a flashback TV show where they insert a bunch of old crap rather than coming up with new stuff, only this post has even less production value.

I guess what I’m wondering is – is there something else to write about?  Should I finish what I started?  I know, if you had ideas, you’d be using them on your blog, right?  But think about it.  Probably your blog doesn’t have much room for squirrels, ponies and buttplugs, but mine does!  So if you have ideas, or you just want me to shut up already, please say so in the comments below.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Four

Crap this is crap.  Crap, crap, crap.  But at least I’m already on chapter . . . four. 

Poor Pony. He might need to be shot soon.

Alright, so A) Ana hits the yacht with her jet ski and kaboom is wrong (don’t tell sad pony).  Also wrong is B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana.  Well, at least it’s wrong so far.  That only leaves C) The emails.  They’reeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaack!

Now you’ve done it, James. Kitty Brains everywhere.

Okay, so chapter four opens with Ana feeling restless.  I am on the edge of my fucking seat here (BoredNow).  Ana gets an idea in her tiny, tiny brain to take out the jet-ski by herself and tells poor Taylor (AnaFail). Wow, who could think Christian might have a problem with the biggest moron in the universe taking out a jet ski?  Considering she face planted in his office and all she had to do was walk across carpet, this should go so well (FacePalm).

Taylor hesitates (Guy wants to live.  Go figure.) so she gets all bravefaced and courageous and tells her husband she wants to go out! (AnaFail)  Wow, like, I don’t have to get bravefaced for that.  I just say “I’m going out.”  And husband says “Bye.”  But for Ana-kins, this is a major achievement (FacePalm).  She says “Taylor doesn’t hide his admiring smile.” (AnaFail)  He’s not admiring you, you little twit.  He’s thinking “Can I kill her and make it look like an accident?”

Yes, Taylor. Yes you can.

So she figures out the jet-ski after only a couple of tries (naturally) and is all “this is fun!” and “Ha ha! It still keeps going!” and “Math is hard!” (AnaFail)  She spins around the boat and Christian sees her and takes out his gun and plugs her one and for once I actually like Christian. Oops. Drifted off again.  Anyway, he sees her, and Ana thinks “What was I thinking?” and I think “Nothing, bitch” and Christian gets madfaced, and poor Taylor has to listen to his shit (AnaFail).  Yet Ana doesn’t feel bad for him, she feels bad for her poor “pathologically overprotective husband.”  Yeah, um, did you notice the whole “pathological” thrown in there, Ana-kins?  That’s not a good thing (AnaFail).  And Taylor, you really don’t have to take this.  It’d be so easy to kill them both.  No one would have to know.  Secret’s safe with me.

Ana talks to Christian on the phone and is all excited because she gets “permission to have fun.” (FacePalm).  Having just gotten off the phone, it only make sense that Ana would then decide to . . . God no . . . email him. (EmailAbuse).

Now I’ve had to go and get a new kitten. Great.

Moving on, Ana goes shopping and whines about how hard it is to be rich (BoredNow, AnaFail).  She calls up pathetic, stupid, lovesick Jose, wakes him up, and asks him what kind of camera she should buy new husband.  He’s a little annoyed by this and Ana thinks “I don’t need this right now” because crap, why wouldn’t he want to be woken up by someone he has a thing for so he can give her advice on a gift for her asshole husband? (AnaFail, FacePalm)  Ana returns to the boat and gives Christi-poo her gift – a Nikon Camera.  Why is it always a brand name?  Is she fucking getting paid for this?  How many sponsors does she have?  And why would they want to sponsor this? (WTF)

Ana’s subconscious “glares at her like she’s a domesticated farm animal.”  Good one, subconscious!  She tells him he can take pictures of her, and he gets all freaked out, and worries that he might be objectifying her by taking her picture (that’s objectifying?  WTF?) and Ana is all I totally love rough sex just not hickies and Christian is confused and so am I (AnaFail).  Ana thinks Christian being “uncomfortable” about her bruises is “chilling.” (AnaFail).  No, that would be normal, Ana, which admittedly confuses me, since we’re talking about Christian here.  So she questions him about what’s wrong, blah blah blah (BoredNow) and takes stupid pictures of him and then he sticks his peen in her (SexyTimes) and this does nothing to relieve my boredom (StillBoredNow).  Then they lay there and blather on about their vows (AlicePukes, EvenMoreBoredNow, FacePalm). 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!!!!!!!

More blah blah about returning home and Christian being afraid of the tickles and Ana telling Christian how fabulous he is (SoBoredAliceBangsHeadOnTable).  And then – holy crap, E.L. James discovers a brand new invention – the Internet has a chat feature?  Who fucking knew? (FacePalm)  She chats with Kate and chat-yells at her for mentioning that Christian is a dom and Kate apologizes and they make happy faces (FacePalm).  Finally, Ana has a bad dream about losing Christian (sounds like a good dream) and realizes that her greatest fear is losing him because she’s the most co-dependent chick on the face of the freaking planet (AnaFail, FacePalm).  But at least the chapter ends.

Final Score = 100-60=40 or

For our next question, we’re doing something new!  True or False! You have three opportunities now for a happy or frowny face.  Or more if you’re cheating.

Question 5A:  Ana is the worst character in the history of ever.  True/False

Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.  True / False

Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next.  True / False

Good luck!  And remember everyone is a winner!  Not really!

50 Shades Dumber: Reflections on Stupidity

I made it.  Through nausea inducing, irritating, exploding headachy, nasty, awful crap I trudged.  And that was before I contracted Pneumonia.  But I did not give up!  Not even when Hugo the bald, creepy puppet man used his voodoo spells to curse me with eternal bad hair (I do not blame Hugo.  He was no match for 50 Shades.)  No, reader, I charged onward through this crappy book all because of your stats you.  You’re welcome.

It is hard to truly put into words what reading this book is like.  I still think the best comparison is the speed bump.  Imagine that the entire world is one big school zone.  You can only drive 20 mph, must watch out for stray children and SUV driving moms on cellphones and every few feet you hit a speed bump.  BUMP.  E.L. James’s writing is filled with these speed bumps on every single page, heck, in almost every paragraph.  You can be reading the drippy, boring prose but you’re still putting along until BUMP you hit something that makes you either a) roll your eyes b) laugh out loud at the idiocy c) whack your head against something d) curse James or, most often, e) all of the above.

Is this not the most perfect speed bump sign for 50 Shades ever?

There are so many examples of this.  Every time Ana is jealous of anything female, even, I swear to sweet white baby Jesus, Christian’s helicopter, which he calls a “she”.  BUMP. Every time Ana refers to Christian as God’s gift to women.  BUMP. Every time a male lusts after Ana or a female lusts after Christian and the other one gets pissed about it.  BUMP. Every time one of those wonderful, repetitive lines is uttered – “hard, thin line” (bump), “fair point, well made” (bump), “pants hanging that way” (bump), “down there”(bump), “Oh, my”(bump), “Jeez”(bump), “Come, Ana”(bump), and the millions of murmurs, mutters, and sighs (bump, bump, BUMP).  I think my absolute favorite one has to be when Christian refers to himself as the royal “we” as in “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” (bumpity bump bump) Next thing you know, he’ll just start referring to himself in the third person, like Elmo, which makes sense considering he already acts like a two-year-old.  “Ana Mine!  Ana Mine!”

Christian says Ana is his bitch, hee hee hee!

And the heart stopping plots!  Crazy Leila with a gun!  Crazy rapey Jack!  Crazy Mrs. Robinson! Crazy helicopter go boom-boom!  Crazy will they or won’t they have sex in the next two pages cliffhangers!  Crazy house shopping and driving around aimlessly!  Crazy wedding proposals after descriptions of lusting after crack-whore mom look-a-likes!  Crazy pages of absolutely nothing happening but talk talk talk leading nowhere!  Such excitement I nearly wet myself! 

You need one of these to get through this series.

And just when you think you can’t take anymore, there are the EMAILS!  BUMP!

Brain bleach kitty, I weep for you.

But oddly enough, the thing that really makes my mind reel, starting in book two, is the  abrupt change in point of view for only a few paragraphs.  Twice.  Just WTF, James?  You decided to write in first person.  There are limitations to that, as in, you only know what the main character is thinking, which is even more limiting if that character is a gold-fish brained bitch like Ana.  But still, you made your bed, so freaking lie in it.  You don’t get to suddenly have it in third person from the point of view of four-year-old Christian because you want to – it doesn’t work that way.  It’s confusing and stupid. 

When E.L. James started writing, that’s when.

50 Shades Dumber opens with poor widdle Christian, crack-whore mommy, and a pimp from the movie “Pulp Fiction”.  There’s no real reason for this, except I guess for you to feel sorry for Christian being used as an ash tray, but we already knew that, so why?  I mean, there are other ways she could have conveyed the same scene without switching the point of view like that.  But no, there it is, standing out like a big, freaking speed BUMP and the story has only just opened.

This book should carry this warning on every page.

The second instance of this comes in the last page of 50 Shades Dumber.  This time we’re thrust into third person so we can see Snidely sitting outside nefariously plotting the doom of Christian while smoking, rubbing his hands together, and cackling with glee.  Of course it doesn’t say it’s Snidely, we’re just supposed to guess.  Gee, who could possibly want to destroy Christi-poo and Ana-kins who could have been arrested but was just plopped in a cab instead?  I can’t figure it OUT.  HELP ME.  This passage made me madder than the rest of the book combined because it’s just so wrong.  I mean, you learn about this crap in freaking high school English here.  Did James go to high school?  How bad are British schools, cause I thought Americans kinda had the sorry school system market cornered.  Just – arghhhhh.

See this chart? SEE IT???

Okay, better now.  And I’m all ready for book three, which I have been warned is the worst one yet.  I’ve read Speaker’s recaps, and all I can remember is a picture of a blue bunny on a waterski.  I think that should be on the cover instead of the handcuffs, personally.  It’s much more visually interesting.  Maybe Goofy will release her memoirs soon, so we can read something that’s actually good.  I hear she might consider it once she’s done with her stint on Bachelor Pad.

Look closely and you can see a blue bunny in a bikini.

Since I’ve interviewed most of the stupid characters from the book with 50 Shades Dumber, I’ll have to try something else for book three.  I’m thinking more bitchy reviews but this time with pictures harvested from Google images and my own nefarious mind on Paint.  Possibly some multiple choice quizzes will be involved, because I love taking moronic quizzes like in Cosmo.  I’ve also considered a “choose your own adventure” style, except that I’m pretty sure everyone would choose “they blow up all over the place” every time, and we wouldn’t get very far into the story.  Unless they were to become zombies.  Actually, that would kind of rock, except I’d feel sorry for the other zombies.  I will have to think on this.  Should you have any suggestions, feel free to add them in the comment section below.

Just kidding – I do want your input.

Also, another thank you for all the well wishes and pleas to aliens and whatnot for my recovery from 50 Shades of Pneumonia.  They were much appreciated.  I love you all.

Alice

50 Shades Dumber’s Final Interview: Kate

Crap.  I don’t get this book.  I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde.  Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter.  Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole.  So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters?  What important shit could be left? 

Answer?  NONE.  In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.

Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower.  Again.  For pages.  And pages and pages and pages.  Ana has breakfast with Jose.  Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana.  Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter.  But that’s not all!  Just what do you get the man who has everything?  His own stuff put in a box.  No, really.  Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns.  Jeepers, thanks, Ana!

Here’s some of your own crap
gift wrapped!
Happy Birthday, Christian!

Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom.  He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips.  I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence.  And then.  Well, you know what happens next, right?  Emails.  Of course.

This kitten just bought a gun.

Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts?  I don’t want to know.)  Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office.  Then she bakes him a cake.  And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.

So now we’re to the last chapter.  Chapter 22.  Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her.  One last hurrah.  I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.

Kate
“How the hell did I get in this damn book?”

Alice: Kate.  Glad to have you back.  How was Barbados?

Kate: Great!  Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!

Alice: Does sound like paradise alright.  So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.

Kate: Yes!  I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother.  That’s a lot.  Glad I missed most of it.

Alice: I wish I had.  So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.

Kate: I did!  And I immediately confronted Ana.

Alice: What did she say?

Kate: Typical.  It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after.  And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace.  Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf?  And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.

Alice: Right.  She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?

Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot.  I can’t stand her.

Alice: Then why is she your roommate?

Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her.  I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property.  I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?

Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.

Kate: There you go.  Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know? 

Alice: I know exactly.  Anything else happen at the party?

Kate: There were a lot of people there.  Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.

Alice: Appropriate as always.

Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian. 

Alice: Really?  A strong woman?

Kate: No, a lesbian.

Alice: Of course.  Stupid me.

Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too.  Elliot told me a little about her.  Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time.  But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.

Backpack’s loaded up with things and knick knacks too.

Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.

Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him.  Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them.  Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.

Alice: I do feel for him.  Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?

Kate: Those two?  I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.

Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea.  So what happened?

Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room.  I listened at the door.  She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.

Alice: Oh, good grief. 

Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part.  His mom walked in next.  And she finally got a clue.

Alice: Wow.  After only, what, 12 years?  Mom of the year.

Way to go, Grace!

Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy.  And then he told her to eat.

Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.

Kate:  And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy.  And so was I.

Alice: Really?

Kate: Well yeah.  Finally I’m rid of the nit wit.  Probably for good.

Alice: Fair point well made, Kate.  Oh shit.  He’s gotten to me too.

Kate: At least this book’s over right?

Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit?  It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again!  Arghhhhhh.

Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book.  Laters.  Shit.  I hate E.L. James.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian’s Mommy

Oh, my.  Such tension as Chapter 19 opens.  I can hardly contain myself.  Christian’s helicopter, the Charlie Tango & Cash, is MISSING.  He is immediately on the news, because now random rich businessmen are as famous as Brad Pitt.  His family and Ana and some other stupid people sit around being sadfaced.  For like two pages.  And then, oh what a relief.  Christian comes back.  Hoo-freaking-ray. 

Once the hooplah about the return of Jesus Christian dies down I decide to take the opportunity to interview Dr. Grace Trapper-Keeper-Grey, otherwise known as Christian’s Mommy – the adoptive one, not the crackwhore, cause she’s dead and my Ouija board is on the fritz.

Dr. Grey
Do you think she works with McDreamy?

Alice: Hello Grace.  How’s it going?

Grace: My poor baby was missing and we thought he was dead until just moments ago!  How do you think I feel?

Alice: Well, I felt elated, but I’m guessing you had the sads.

Grace: I did, but then he returned!  Oh, Alice it was a miracle!  Eight hours no one saw and then about fifteen minutes of suffering and worry.  Also a bunch of Ana’s irritating flashbacks.  Those were the worst.

Alice: Yippee.  So what happened?

Grace: Well, he showed up carrying his jacket and socks and shoes for some reason and looking tired but beautiful, of course.  We all cried and shouted and I flung myself on him and said I died a thousand deaths.

Alice: This book will have that effect on you.

Grace: I asked why he didn’t call and he said his cell phone was dead.

Elmo got no reception, loser!

Alice: So that’s why we were spared emails for three whole pages.

Grace: We are all so relieved he came home safe.  He was such a good little boy, you know.  No trouble at all. You didn’t even have to touch him, unlike that annoying Mia and Elliot, always wanting food and hugs and all that crap.  If only I’d gotten them from crackwhores.  Maybe they’d have turned out as well as Christipoo.

Alice: Um.  Yeah.  So, you really don’t know about your son’s, um, extracurricular activities do you?

Grace: There are some things that disturb me, Alice.

Alice: Really?  You mean you know about the –

Grace: Karate.  Yes.  He thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but he still can’t break a tough brownie in two without help.

Alice: Yup, that’s the disturbing part, alright.

Grace: Also that Ana.  What is wrong with that twit?

Alice: There’s just so much. 

Grace: I am afraid they- they – might be having sex, Alice.

Alice: You don’t say.

Grace:  Sigh.  Anyway, he hugged me a bit and then he pushed me off and went to hold her while she wailed and then Elliot asked for more details about the “chopper” which makes Christian madfaced because it’s a helicopter, you see, the safest on the market.

Christian’s Helicopter
Safest on the Market!

Alice: Clearly.  Now it’s a big hunk of molten metal, but whatevs.

Grace: And then Taylor said his daughter was fine.

Alice: What daughter?  What does that have to do with anything?

Grace: I have no idea.  Anyway, Christian said he was flying with his number two.

Alice: Ew.

Grace: Ros wanted to see Mt Saint Helens, so they were only 200 feet above ground level when the helicopter caught fire, and that’s why they didn’t die and all. 

Alice: 200 feet is still rather far up, isn’t it?  I mean, if I fell 200 feet, I think I’d be pretty smashed up, especially if I was surrounded in metal and fire.

Grace: So he landed and he put out the fire – with a fire extinguisher – and it was so brave of him because both engines were on fire!

Alice: He put out a huge helicopter fire with . . . one fire extinguisher.

Official Charlie Tango fire extinguisher

Grace: And then he used the Blackberry GPS to guide them.

Alice: I thought he had no reception.

Grace: He didn’t.  But the GPS still worked because it operates by magic.

Alice: Whatever. 

Grace: It took them four hours to walk because silly Ros wore heels.

Alice: What a bitch.

Grace: Then they hitched a ride for free with a friendly truck driver who shared his lunch.

Alice: Was he from Sesame Street perhaps?  Why couldn’t they have gotten one of those homicidal maniac truck drivers?

Grace: Christian was so anxious to be back because Jose was staying with Ana and he was worried they were going to start having an affair in the eight hours he was missing.

Alice: Well, Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.

Grace: But then Christian and Ana wanted to be alone so we went home.  But – do you know what happened?  I just found out!  Ana gave Christian his present and it was a key chain!

Okay, so this is the keychain I wish she had given him.

Alice:  What a thrill.

Grace: But Alice, on the back of the keychain was the word YES!  She accepted Christian’s proposal as his birthday present!

Alice: Here I was hoping for a funeral, and we get a wedding.*  Crap in a hat.

* I’m still not going to that freaking wedding.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jose

As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up.  No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades.  It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left. 

 

50 Shades of Pneumonia Crap Entering the Lungs

 

Chapter 18 is full of thrills.  No, it’s not.  It’s full of shit.  Like always.  What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes.  I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason.  Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier.  There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow.  But not with E.L. James.  Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already.  But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks.  Why?  Just why?

 

Help the nice man put E.L. James’s chapter together!

For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table.  Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain!  This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages.  But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere!  Of course they do!  And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.

 

Just LOOK at this kitty, James.

 

But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go.  We’ll start with Jose.

 

Jose

Alice: Hello, Jose.  Where have you been?

Jose: Oh, lurking.  I think Ana really likes me.

Alice: Why?

Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.

Alice: Makes sense.  Here’s another question.  Why are you interested in her to begin with?

Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .

Alice: No, she’s not.

Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!

Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.

Jose:  Huh.  Good point there.  She’s hot.

Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now.  You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?

Jose
You are Here

Jose: I think there’s hope.  She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk.  I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.

Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine. 

Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.

Alice: No.  I’m not.  Because I hate you.  I hate you all.  Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter?  I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?

Jose: I might, might have been following them.

Alice: I . . . nevermind.  So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.

Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.

Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.

Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.

Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties.  Big fucking deal.

Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.

Alice: I don’t give a shit.

Jose: But then came the best part!  Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.

Alice: The what?

Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.

Alice: Oh, right.  Ohhhh, you mean missing?  So is he dead?  Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.

Jose: We don’t know.  That’s how the chapter ends.  I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.

Alice: We can dream, Jose.  We can dream.*

 

Bye, Christian!!!!

*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go.  But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.

50 Shades Dumber Inteviews Christian’s Angels

If you’ve been keeping up with us, you know we’re on chapter 8 of Ana Bobana’s memoirs.  Christian and Ana are being stalked (how does it feel now, guys?  Sexy, isn’t it?) by Leila, Christian’s ex sub who is more of a fruit loop than Ana.  Since Christian is so very intelligent, he has gotten together an awesome security team.  I call them Christian’s Angels, even though they are technically Farah Faucette-less.  This team consists of Taylor (because he has nothing else to do what with already acting as his personal butler, driver, and underwear buyer), Sawyer, and I swear I am not making this shit up, Ryan and Reynolds. 

Really E.L.?  I see what you did there.

Since I’m so excited about this Leila case, I thought I would step in and interview the guys while they were all on a donut break.

Christian’s Angels

Alice: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

Taylor: Thanks for the donuts.

Alice: Shouldn’t, um, one of you be keeping an eye out for Leila?

Taylor: Pfft, I tried, but Christian knows better.  First he insisted on going in the apartment himself, even though the team was there.  Then he said I was overreacting.

Alice: But I thought he hired you because this was such a scary, dangerous situation.

Taylor: He’s a dumbass.  But far be it for me to question his orders.

Alice: It’s nice to see that he didn’t get too mad at you for the last interview.

Taylor: He just put me in the box this time.

Alice: The box?

Ryan: He doesn’t like to –

Reynolds: – talk about it.

Alice: You finished what Ryan said, Reynolds.

Ryan: Sometimes it’s like we’re the same person.

Alice: So what’s been happening with Leila?

Sawyer: Well, turns out she was still in the apartment, but we missed her, because Christian searched and didn’t find her.  He forgot he had a library and some other rooms in the apartment.  It’s such a big apartment, you know.

Alice: Right.  Hey, weren’t you on Lost?

Sawyer: Yeah.  This is part of the whole Purgatory thing.

Purgatory Bites.

Alice: Right.  So . . .

Leila: Hi Alice.  Hi Taylor.

Taylor: Hey, Leila, how’s it going?  I noticed that nice paint job you gave Ana’s car.

Leila: Thanks.  I also painted the Mona Lisa.  And I’m a trained ninja.  And I speak fluent Klingon.

Alice: Um, guys –

Taylor: Well, you know your way around.

Leila: Thanks! Buh-bye!

Alice: Guys.  You just let Leila walk in the door.

Ryan: So?  What’s –

Reynolds: -the problem?

Get it? Get it???

Alice: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop her?

Sawyer: Do you really want us to?

Alice: Well, no.  But it is sort of your job.

Taylor: No worries.  You see Leila was here yesterday, and she stood at the end of Ana’s bed and made spooky howly noises until she woke up.  But Ana figured it was just her imagination, and went to go sex up Christian.  Again. 

Alice: So Leila was right there and she didn’t shoot Ana?

Taylor: I know, right?  She said it’s more fun to screw with them.  So, when Christian and Ana went back to the bedroom they saw that Leila had left the balcony door open.

Alice: She jumped off the balcony?

Sawyer: Ninja, remember?  Christian only takes on talented girls as his subs.  Or at least those who say they’re talented.  You know, I think she might not be a ninja . . .

Alice: Nevermind.  What happened then?

Taylor: Christian got all panicky and called us up and hissed into my phone.  He made Ana wear his sweatpants because they were in a hurry, but then asked me to get Ana’s shoes.  Idiot.  I packed her a suitcase.  Then Christian ordered me to find them a hotel.  And to find Leila who was still in the house.

Alice: I thought she jumped off the balcony?

Sawyer: I guess not.

Alice: Then why did she open the door to the balcony?

Taylor: Hey, we don’t write this stuff.

Alice: So then what happened?

Taylor: I got them the room at the hotel, though I’m surprised they made it there.  Ana kept nagging at him about Mrs. Robinson and their relationship and did he like her like she liked him.  I was tempted to “accidentally” shoot her myself.

Alice: I don’t blame you.  But there’s one thing I’m not getting.  Why didn’t Christian just call the police?

Okay, that was just an excuse to show Sting

Ryan: Because Leila’s mentally ill and –

Reynolds: Christian can handle her better. 

Alice: Stop that, you two.  It’s annoying.  But seriously?  This just . . . anyway, so they got in the car and decided to run?  This was the best choice of action?

Taylor: He thought so.  Oh, phone call from Turdface.  Hold on.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Yeah sure.

Alice: What did he say?

Taylor: He was really freaked for a minute.

Alice: Why?   Leila’s right here.

Taylor:  Because the gynecologist he had sent to the hotel thought Ana might be pregnant.  Turns out, false alarm.

Alice: Just – what?  He called a gynecologist to their hotel room?

Taylor: Christian decided Ana should be on the shot since she’s too stupid to take a pill.

Alice: She wasn’t even on the pill for that long and they are always opening those damn foil packets anyway so that makes no sense and hey – they are running for their lives and he’s concerned about her birth control?

Taylor: Yeah, priorities.  But he feels better because Ana isn’t knocked up and so he loves her.

Leila: Hi again.  They’re not here, but I hid a bunch of rotten eggs stuffed in buttplugs all over the apartment.  It will take them a while to find them.

Alice: They’re at a hotel, Leila.  Which one again?

Taylor: Fairmont Olympic.  If you get lost, just call your gynecologist.

Leila: Thanks! Bye!

Alice: Bye and for the love of God, good luck.