Tag Archives: 50 Shades

Alice Goes On Vacation

By Alice on October 12, 2012 | 12 Comments

Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long. I’m thinking a weekend. And I’m not going anywhere. I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day. Probably two days away is my limit. If I can handle that. Of course I can handle that. It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.

I am not. I can quit anytime. SHUT UP.

Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs. It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well. But that’s not all! There will also be a contest and quizzes too! I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you? Just me? Eh.

You are SO going down, E.L.

I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities. How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help? You’re welcome.

Miss me?

But wait, there’s MORE. I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog. And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation.

So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday. Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket.

Love and kisses and crap,

Alice

Posted in: 50 Shades of Grey, Unbirthday Presents, Weekly Horoscope | Tagged: 50 Shades, 50 Shades Freed, E.L. James, grades, humor, internet addiction, vacation, weekly horoscope

YOU SUCK: HELPFUL ADVICE FOR WRITERS

By Alice on July 18, 2012 | 2 Comments

Note: This blog done with my own copyrighted illustrations! Noooo one copy now!

Last week I took a writing class, hoping to learn the secrets of the publishing world. What do editors, publishers, and agents think about writers? I can save you some time and sum it up fairly quickly. They think you suck.

Close enough.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, they like good writers. The problem is that good writers are few and far between. There might be one John Grisham in the midst of thousands of writers so bad that they should be beaten with their own laptops. These people’s books are always quickly tossed aside by professional editors so that we are only left with exceptionally well-written books, like Twilight.

I guess it’s hard to blame editors. Anyone who has been a teacher, or even proof-read a paper for an exceptionally dense friend can attest to how much fun it is to edit. I can imagine after going through the eight hundredth clichéd story (example: The age old story of a vampire and his dog) just about anyone could get jaded.

Never fear, there are books to help you prevent bad writing! And they have many useful tips for staying out of the “slush” pile, or at least not having your manuscript set on fire by vengeful, overworked editing assistants.

Tip One: You really, really should carefully limit the extensive number of descriptive adverbs and adjectives. Really. Relentlessly using copious amounts of annoying adverbs and adjectives makes those silly old editors very, very angry.

Tip Two: Avoid printing your manuscript on “Hello Kitty” stationary. Be professional. Use only high grade electric blue cardstock. You’re sure to be noticed!

Don’t use this stationary
no matter how cute it is.

Tip Three: Sphell cheque yer werk butt donnt wirree a bout punktuasion an gooder grammer tat r onli fur sissies bee origanal k thanx bai.

Tip Four: Mention that you and Stephen King are best buddies.

Tip Five: Make up an interesting pen name. No one wants to read a book by Sigmund Spelunker. Try something catchy like Steel Gear, or Victoria Bloomingdale, or J.K. Rowling.

Tip Six: Do your research. Be sure and send your manuscript to the right publisher. For instance, a romance should not go to a Science Fiction publisher, unless it’s about a romance between Predator and Captain Kirk.

Example of Children’s Book Cover

Tip Seven: You can’t use “Predator” and “Captain Kirk” – that’s a copyright no-no. Change up the names a little. Pre’dator and Lt. Kirk ought to do it.

Tip Eight: If they are looking for a children’s book, no need for a rewrite. Just pen the tale of Lt. Kirk and his pal Pre’dator in crayon. This will make you look “whimsical”.

Tip Nine: Your story must quickly grab the reader’s attention. Try something like this in your proposal: “Lt. Kirk decided that if he didn’t get published this time, he was to going to introduce his double-bladed axe to the editor and his family who live at 4098 Palm Street in San Diego, California.”

Tip Ten: Once the editor has issued a restraining order against you, soften him up with bribery. Send your manuscript with a batch of special home-grown brownies. I’m pretty sure this is how that “50 Shades” book got published.

Well, that’s all the tips I have for today. Before you start, remember that most people are never, ever published no matter how awesome they are, and you aren’t even close to awesome so what chance do you have? Good luck!

Copywrited by ME