Tag Archives: 50SoG

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jack “Snidely Whiplash” Hyde

I’m fairly certain I’m in a time machine.  Because I know I already did Chapter 16, but now here it is again.  I think somehow James keeps adding chapters in my sleep, so that I will never finish.  It’s like when you’re in Vegas, and you would swear that the next casino is just a block away, but it’s really like 27 blocks, and you’re never getting out of the Circus Circus parking lot alive.  Yeah, like that.

So last we left Ana, Jack Hyde, otherwise known as Snidely Whiplash, was about to pounce on her.  Now I don’t advocate rape, ever, but maybe he could have just stuck her head into the copier and pressed copy about a billion times while laughing hysterically.  I would have more respect for him.  Anyway, oh look, here’s Snidley again to tell his side of the story.

Jack Hyde. My apologies for my earlier references to “the Hoff”

Jack: Bwahahahahahahaha.

Alice: Hello, Jack.  Quit twisting your mustache, it’s creepy.

Jack: I guess you want to know about that tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick-tease?

Alice: Wow.  That’s romantic.

Jack: That’s what I was going for!  I thought I had her, but Dudley Do-Right showed up and– foiled again!

Alice: Ah, right.  So what happened?

Jack:  Well, I waited until closing, when my ride was due to pick me up in five minutes.  Then I made my move when she went into the break room.  I had carefully set up the Zingers as bait.

Just think of the Zingers, guys.

Alice: Yeah, uh, that doesn’t seem like the best plan, there.  If your ride was about to pick you up for the airport, how were you going to have time to rape her?

Jack: I . . . nevermind!  It was genius!  I leered at her and told her about all the emails she’d been sending.  The idiot has an ancient Blackberry, but uses her work email?

Alice: Yeah, even Christian figured out that was moronic.

Jack: And I told her she wasn’t the most qualified but I fought for her!  And she owed me for this job!

Alice: If only you’d been Christian, this all would have worked out so well.

Jack: Yes! I followed all his moves, but it didn’t work for me!  She kicked me in the groin and ran, which was not a nice thank you.

Alice: Cause every girl wants to be felt up on the copier.  Actually, Ana might.  But only if it were Christian.  So then what?

Jack: Do-Right’s minion Taylor came in and shouted at me so it would sound bad, but really he was just wanting to ask if I’d help him out later with a little project.  It was hard to hear over Christian yelling at Ana – you could hear it through Taylor’s walky-talky.

Alice: Wait – Ana nearly gets raped and Christian yells at her?

Jack: Well, yeah, he said he was pissed at her and she was stupid and to get in the motherfucking car.

Alice: Wow . . . way to make a gal feel safe there.

Christian rides to the rescue *

Jack: And then Do-Right came in and they made me pack up my desk.  I mean, I was totally fired for that?  I thought office rape was standard policy.

Alice: . . .

Jack: So they led me to my cab and I took off.

Alice: You mean they didn’t arrest you?

Jack: I didn’t rape her, just tried to, so it was totes okay.  Luckily, Ana still had that camera in her purse, so I was able to tell what was going on after that.

Alice: If the camera was inside the purse, how could you –

Jack: Just go with it.  James does.  First Christian wouldn’t talk to her, and then he got her in the elevator and stuck his tongue down her throat.  And then they drank.

Alice: The girl is almost raped but is okay with making out immediately afterward . . . nevermind, why do I ask?

Jack: And they yammered about Jose coming to visit and Christian was pouty just cause Jose had tried to rape her too.  I mean, seriously, what’s up with that?  And she said she didn’t like Elena, and Christian was all surprised about that for some reason and then she was on her own and she decided to explore the apartment.

Alice: Explore the . . . she really is like a goldfish.  By the time she gets to one side of the apartment, she’s forgotten what was on the other side.

Jack: She went into the Red Room o’ Pain and dug through the museum chest.  There she found an assortment of sex toys, all carefully organized.  There was a butt drawer, a vibrator drawer, a genital drawer, and the leather straps and ballgags drawer. (I did not make that up, I shit you not.)

Always keep your sex toys organized.

Alice: Well, it’s nice that he’s organized.

Jack: Christian thought maybe she wouldn’t want to do it cause she was attacked but Ana was like, no biggie, so they got out a spreader bar . . .

Alice: A spreader bar?  Nevermind.  Please don’t tell me.

Jack: And he tied her up and had sex with her that went on and on and on.  I mean, I wasn’t even going to tie her up.  Life is just not fair.

Alice: Yeah.  It doesn’t make sense either. I am in some sort of warped parallel universe.**

* Do-Right and Whiplash are totally Canadian.  Of course.

**It is called E.L.JamesFunLand Express

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Mrs. Jones

Gad.  This book.  Chapter 15 of Anatwatcrotch Steele’s memoirs is just, so, so double crap with a buttplug.  First off, I was fairly sure I was already through Chapter 15, but no.  No it was still THERE.  All supposedly 18 pages of it, though I don’t really believe it was 18 pages, because I just kept turning pages and the crap just kept going, like that perverted Energizer Bunny.  And I thought, I need someone who can clean up the bunch of shit that was this chapter.  And then it hit me (not Christian, the idea.)

Mrs. Jones seems familiar somehow . . .

Alice: Hello, Mrs. Jones.

Mrs. Jones: Hello, Alice.  You have a little Jello on your face dear.  Now spit.

Alice: I don’t really . . .

Mrs. Jones: Spit into this hanky!

Alice: Okay!  Gee, thanks for cleaning my face.

Mrs. Jones: You’re welcome.  That’s what I do around here.  I clean.  So much.  So, so much. 

Alice: Yeah.  So what’s it like working for Christian?

Mrs. Jones: Oh, the pay is nice, and he gives me this place to live.  Isn’t it nice?  ISN’T IT?

Alice: Yes. Um.  So do you like Christian?

Mrs. Jones: Oh, he’s like the little psychotic son I never had.  But cleaning up after him?  All those buttplugs, Alice.  There are SO MANY.  And the stuff that gets on them is –

Alice: Thank you!  That’s really all I need to know about that.  What do you think of Ana?  And Christian’s relationship with her?

Mrs. Jones: Well.  She looks like all the others, of course.  But she’s much more of a , what is the nice way to say this, hmm? 

Alice: Bitch?  Harpy?  Dumbass?

Mrs. Jones: Yes.  I mean, before they kept the sex in the playroom.  Such a mess, I mean you wouldn’t believe what I would find –

Alice: I would.  Anyway?

Mrs. Jones: It was gross, but at least the room was fairly soundproof so I didn’t have to hear all the screaming and thrusting and whatnot.

Alice: They do have sex a lot.

Mrs. Jones: A lot?  They do it all the time.  Almost every waking second.  Except when they stop to drink, or Christian orders me to make a sandwich for Ana.  Then it’s back to the fucking.  They even did it on the piano.  Do you know how long it took me to –

Piano abuse is wrong.

Alice: Once again, I can imagine.  So anything interesting happen lately?  Did anything happen?  At all?

Mrs. Jones: Let’s see.  Well, Ana howled and moaned and cried – and she wasn’t even having sex at that point.  Christian carried her to bed, because the stupid girl can’t eat or walk for herself.  I’m not sure if there really is a brain inside that head at all.

Alice: If so, it ran out of batteries years ago.

Mrs. Jones: Then Christian screamed, but it was nightmare screaming, not the other kind.  Just one of the many things you learn to ignore around here.  One of the many, many things you learn to ignore . . .

Alice: So then what happened?

Mrs. Jones: Then came the sex.  Did you know you can hear a foil packet rip from across the house?

Alice: That’s illuminating. 

Mrs. Jones: Then they talked and talked and Ana asked to see Dr. Flynn.

Alice: I hope he shows her what’s in that drawer. 

Mrs. Jones: Taylor drove her to work.  And then Christian got on the computer.

Alice: Oh, no.

Everytime Ana and Christian email, a kitten cries.

Mrs. Jones: And started emailing Ana.  This went back and forth.  He was quite upset that she wasn’t using her Blackberry.  The raunchy, idiotic emails can be traced on her work computer.

Alice: Did it occur to him to just stop sending her raunchy, idiotic emails?

Mrs. Jones: No.  Christian was even more upset because Ana was having a hard day.  Her boss, Mr. Hyde, kept yelling at her.

Alice: Because she was emailing instead of doing her coloring sheets?

Mrs. Jones: Also she was late getting to work and late with his lunch.  They emailed some more.  Ana continued to not use the Blackberry.

Alice: She has no sense of self-preservation and yet she keeps breathing somehow.

Mrs. Jones: Then she called during Christian’s work meeting and they kept telling the other one to hang up, no you hang up . . .

Alice: Just . . . I don’t . . . moving on.

Mrs. Jones: Mia apparently called Ana at one point – come to think of it, so did Jose, and Ethan as well.  Christian tracks her calls.

Alice: Of course.  No wonder Jack wants to kill the little twit.

Mrs. Jones: Mia let slip about Christian’s birthday.  And then Ana and Christian sent emails back and forth about him being so old. 

Alice: I hate their emails.  So much.

Mrs. Jones: Well, she stopped emailing to go get a cookie since she can’t remember to eat.  Taylor and Christian were all ready to pick her up from work, but she didn’t come out.  Turns out Jack was trying to rape her in the break room.

Alice: Naturally.  Wow.  Guess that’s all we have time for today.

Mrs. Jones: There’s so much more I could tell you, though.

Alice: That’s okay.  Really.  I already know so much no amount of Lysol will ever, ever clean it out.  Ever.*

*Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

50 Shades Rant

Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings.  In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.

Has your brain sufficiently melted yet?  Good.  That will make the rest of this go down much easier.  Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage.  Here are a few of the reasons why.

1. What Ana’s wearing

Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing.  Ever.  I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot. 

But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed.  And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description.  I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels.  It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me.  “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.”  You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve.  You just can’t. 

And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream.  Stop it, James.  STOP IT NOW.

2. The emails.

OMFG, the emails.  I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever.  And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly.  Over and over and over and over.  It makes me not want to email again ever.  Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines.  I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons.  And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons.  Have them text each other.  That’s what modern morons do constantly. 

 Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg

                        Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2.  wnt 2 hav sxx?  w/ btplgs?

Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter.  They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.

 3. The sex

I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene.  I’m not kidding.  They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through.  And these scenes go on for pages.  And pages.  And pages.

For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.     

Christian orders Ana to come.

A foil packet is ripped.

Ana says “Oh, my.”

There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.

Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)

Christian is spent or finds his release

Ana shouts “Arghh.”

Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)

Ana says “Jeez.”

Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex.  Unless said character is the Beaver.  And then I really don’t want to know about it.

There is just so much more.  So, so, so much more.  But that’s all I have right now.  There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right?  That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius.  I am looking forward to the future.  Which will be the same as the past.  Awful.  You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse.  This shouldn’t be humanly possible.

But it is.  Oh, it is.  And there’s going to be a movie of this.  And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen.  I can’t even imagine.  I don’t want to imagine.  But you know I’ll watch it.

I am a very sad person.  But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten.  Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.

You do not get more awesome than this.

More 50SoG? Yes. No. Who invited you to the party?

I have debated whether to recap the next two books in this amazing series.  The first book was truly an adventure in awful, but we were left at such a cliffhanger!  Ana left Christian!  Of course we know Christian is peeking in her window at this very moment, so the question is how long will it be before he murders, er, is reunited with his twu luv?

So I downloaded the sample of “50 Shades Dumber” to my Nook Color (Buy one today!  Probably won’t break down in a year!)  I got the first chapter and part of the second; and wow, they were pretty fantastic, if you like drinking floor cleaner.  I decided to take a short break and actually write some of my own stuff, though I admit I kept looking over it for signs of Jamesism.  Crap, did I have that character talk to a voice in her head?  Did his pants hang that way?  Was that last sentence complete?  Do I understand subject / verb agreement, or for that matter, what a subject or verb is.

I’m not entirely sure.  But I figure I should get this crap out of my system so that I can further devote myself to writing that doesn’t make people puke and might one day be noticed by publishers.  I’m thinking of writing “Twilight Sexy Times” as the title, even though it has nothing to do with that, in hopes of attracting a publisher who will give me millions based on the cover alone.  I’m pretty sure that is what James had to have done.

But I haven’t just been focused on 50 Shades, people.  I read as well.  In fact, right now I am reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson.  It’s really the perfect companion piece for 50 Shades of Grey.  I thought, just for kicks, I’d see if Christian qualifies and you will never believe what I found out!

But first, I must present to you an image of Our Hero created by The University of Lancashire (as a project?  I’m not sure why.)  I stole it from The Telegraph.  It’s not creepy at all.

Pictured: mugshot of Christian Grey


           With that charming image in mind, these are 20 items on the test (from pages 98-99).  Here we go:

 Item 1: Glibness / superficial charm.  Check!  Well, at least it charms Ana.

Item 2: Grandiose sense of self-worth.  Yup.  “Look at my big house.  Look at my helicopter. Meet my penis.”

Item 3: Need for stimulation / proneness to boredom.  The guy has a Red Room of Pain.  I think that qualifies.

Item 4: Pathological lying.  “I would never hurt you, Ana, I swears!” Whap!

Item 5: Conning / Manipulative. “Stay away Ana, I am no good for you hey do you want a ride in my big helicopter?”

Item 6: Lack of remorse or guilt.  “Can’t you get over this whole beating thing?”

Item 7: Shallow affect.  Any more shallow and you’d hit rock bottom.

Item 8: Callous / Lack of Empathy.  I’m not sure about this one.  I mean he did rub baby oil on her butt after beating the crap out of it. 

Item 9: Parasitic Lifestyle.  If Christian could literally move into Ana’s “down there”, you know he would.

Item 10: Poor behavioral controls.  Do we even need to go here? 

Item 11: Promiscuous sexual behavior.  He’s had 15 subs, plus Mrs. Robinson, plus he apparently paid for sex, all before Ana, and he’s 27.  Gee, I don’t know.  Is that normal?

Item 12: Early behavior problems.  He says that Mrs. Robinson set him on the straight and narrow with BDSM.  Hmm.

Item 13: Lack of realistic long-term goals.  Does he have a goal besides screwing Ana? 

Item 14: Impulsivity.  “Hey some girl that fell in my office, do you want a job?”

Item 15: Irresponsibility.  Once when he was hanging a girl from his ceiling, he kinda hurt her.  I’d say this was slightly irresponsible.

Item 16: Failure to accept responsibility for own actions.  “Not my fault you didn’t use the safewords while I was whipping you.  Jeez, Ana.”

Item 17: Many short term marital relationships.  Well, not marital, but he had 15 freaking subs. And not the sandwich kind.

Item 18: Juvenile delinquency.  See Item 12

Item 19: Revocation of conditional release.  The only reason he’s not in an institution is because he’s rich.  Also that Dr. Flynn is so awesome.

Item 20: Criminal versatility.  “Check out my cool room of torture instruments!  Also, look at all the ways I can stalk you!  Is that cool or what?”

You’re considered a psycho if you qualify for like ¾ of these, and Christian gets – bing bing bing! – every single one.  Did James purposely try to make this guy a psycho?  I don’t think so.  For one thing, she’d have to have done some research.  For another, he’s supposed to be this romantic hero.  Sure, a damaged hero, but still a hero who can be reformed by love.  This doesn’t often happen with psychopaths. 

Except Christian because Ana is a super speshul snowflake as we will all see as soon as we read the other two books which will expand on their love story and how Ana is so much better than a psychiatrist or drugs or electroshock therapy.  I can hardly wait!

50 SoG Recap #13: It Ends and I Do the Happy Dance of Joy

I can’t believe it!  We are on the last two chapters!  The end is nigh!  How is James going to end this book, especially considering we have yet to find a lucid plot?  Will Christian ride Ana off into the sunset?  Let’s find out!

Chapter 24 starts off with Ana’s mom having a breakdown because Ana is leaving.  She warns Ana that she will have to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince but Ana says “I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom.  I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.”  Unless we’re talking the Prince of Darkness, I don’t think so, Ana.  She thinks Christian is her literary hero, but I don’t recall any literary novel where the heroine has the crap beaten out of her and thinks it is twu luv.  Unless we’re talking that part of Pride and Prejudice where Mr. Darcy chains Lizzy to a bed and beats her with his riding crop whilst reading her beautiful poetry.  But otherwise, get real, Ana!

On the flight, Ana thinks of poor Christian’s childhood and how he had to sit on the street and sell matches in the bitter cold before he got adopted by the Richie Rich family.  Ana realizes that she “needs” Christian to love her.  Let’s think about this.  He made you sign a contract for rough sex, dear, and then hit you with a riding crop.  Yup, the potential for true love looks really promising.

More emails.  Ana ponders what “the situation” could be.  I don’t care.  She notices that the seat beside her is empty again and wonders if Christian might have purposely bought it to keep her from talking to anyone.  Then she thinks, “No one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely.” 

If you listen very carefully at Ana’s ear, you can hear the ocean.

Christian’s henchman picks her up at the airport and plays Pachelbel’s Canon for her.  I think James just looked up impressive sounding music titles and plugged them in various places.  As she prepares to meet Christian she worries about what his mood might be and hint you shouldn’t have to worry about his mood all the time, dim wit.  But then she sees him and her “down there” takes over and she marvels over how “arresting” he looks and oh what an appropriate description. 

Christian stops his urgent rambling on the phone (could it be the “situation”?) and he fists Ana’s hair again (how do you fist hair?  Is fist a verb now?) and she smells his body wash which I can’t believe James doesn’t name.  Is it Herbal Essences?  Irish Spring?  I just don’t know!  He orders her to shower with him and we get to hear about him taking off each sock again.  And she’s so happy to be wanted by this Greek god (remember Zeus was a Greek god and also an asshole). 

He asks if she’s on her period and she’s not because she has the shortest periods on record, I guess.  And they have sex against the wall.  Then they shower and she invites him to Jose’s art show cause that’s a good idea but Christian decides not to kill her yet and announces he is “going to take her again.”  Be still my beating heart.

Back to the Red Room o’ Pain.  Ana doesn’t really want to be there but thinks “after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants . . .”  That’s true, Ana, I mean he did go to the trouble of stalking you on your vacation; the least you can do is let him strap you down and beat you. 

So he blindfolds her and puts his Ipad earbuds in her ears and Ana thinks “Jeez I hope its not rap” because that is going to be her biggest problem, the music selection.  He cuffs her to the bed and smacks her with a flogger and she gets all giddy “down there”  He sexes her and there are exploding orgasms blah blah and then they have cutesy talk about whether he can tell a joke and he threatens to torture her and chapter end.

Chapter 26 – THE LAST CHAPTER I AM ECSTATIC!  Ana wakes up and Christian is playing sad puppy piano again.  She sits with him and Christian suggests doing her on the piano but Ana wants to talk.  Christian gets the rules for Ana and we get to read them again only with some of them crossed out because they compromised remember?   Ana rolls her eyes again and Christian wants to spank her but she says catch meeee and they race around the table and Ana says she feels about punishment the way he feels about touching (showing a spine?) and Christian gets all sadfaced because wow she really doesn’t like being smacked around?  But Ana says it’s not so bad (nope no spine) and Christian says he won’t hurt her beyond anything she can’t take I mean what a prince there and Ana wants to know why he has to hurt people but Christian won’t tell her because that might make her run away. 

Christian.  She hasn’t run yet.  I think you could tell her you were one of the Borg and ready to assimilate her and she’d say “Okey dokey”.

And there’s all the “I don’t wanna lose you” crap and then Ana has this bright idea, I mean, it’s her best so far.  She tells him to give her the worst punishment she can expect to get because then he might let her touch him.  Hmm.  You know, some people just let you touch them, no beating required.  But okay.  Back to Christian’s Playhouse and Christian grabs a belt and bends Ana over a bench.  And he hits her and this time she gets to scream count for him.  He smacks her six times and it smarts.  No really, she says “Holy shit . . . that smarts.”  He tries to cuddle with her and Ana pulls away.

Maybe it is possible to beat sense into people because Ana tells him he is “a fucked-up son of a bitch” and “needs to sort his shit out.”  Holy cow, language, Ana!  She goes to his bed and he gets all kissy and asks her not to hate him and she turns to him and says. “I’m sorry.”


She says she’s sorry for what she said and he says sorry for beating you and she says she asked for it and this is truly a great day for feminism.  Ana tells him she loves him and Christian gets all panicky and Ana’s one brain cell realizes they might, might be incompatible.  She dresses and her butt hurts a bit but she thinks it is better than the pain of her “splintering, shattered heart”.  Hey, Ana, better that than your “splintering, shattered pelvis.”  I mean, I’m just saying.

Ana gives him back all the goodies and he whines that she’s wounding him but she actually sticks to it and asks for the money for the car he forced her to sell.  There’s more “no don’t go, oh I have to go, oh but I don’t want you to, it is better this way” and this is the longest breakup ever.  

She gets home and sees the helicopter balloon he gave her.  It’s all deflated and she hugs it and wonders “what have I done?”  She suffers horrible, agonizing pain and grief, I mean way worse than those whiny Holocaust victims, and realizes that the belt was nothing compared to this unbearable pain of losing Mr. Fabulous and she curls up with the balloon and “surrenders” to her grief.

And I surrender to my joy that this book is OVER!  Stay tuned next time for my reflections on 50 Shades of Grey.  I must now leave you to party with my inner goddess and subconscious.

“I fall into my bed, shoes and all, and howl.”(Ch26 p391)

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I did after every chapter.  Goooodbye, Ana!

50 SoG Recap #12: The One with the Tampon

First off, a confession.  I thought I would let you guys know that I don’t normally have such a potty mouth.  It’s this fucking book that brings it out in me.  Double crap, will this damn book ever end?  Jeez!

Next, awesome news!  One of my slightly disturbed facebook friends sent me a picture of a buttplug.  He found it on Wikipedia, the fount of all knowledge.  Turns out it does not look like a cork from a champagne bottle.  Pop!  Hey, the more you know, people.

On with the recap!  We’ve made it to chapter 23 . . . four more chapters, guys.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Please say it is not a train with Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. inscribed on the engine.  The chapter opens with Our Smarmy Hero once again stalking Our Stupidass Heroine, this time on her vacation with her mom.  He introduces himself to her mom, calling her “Mrs. Adams” because that’s so not creepy that he knows everything about Ana’s life.  Unlike Ana, Christian is apparently quite familiar with Google.

Like all women, Ana’s mom loses control of all bodily functions upon meeting Christian.  Ana thinks, “Oh, complete dumbfounded speechlessness is genetic.”  I don’t even have to make fun of her.  She does it for me.  Christian orders a drink in his typical douchebaggy way, “Hendricks if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire.  Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.  I bet the waiter spits in his drink.

Ana worries about what he’s angry about, even though it was Christian that showed up on her vacation uninvited.  He rubs her fingers and Ana’s all “Oh my” and ready to jump him.  Of course.  Her mom invites Christian to dinner, and then excuses herself, and Christian and Ana start on Mrs. Robinson again.  Ana points out that Christian gets pissy about Jose and she hasn’t slept with him, but he then goes to dinner with someone he did sleep with, and the little twit has a point.  But Christian says he doesn’t have to justify his actions.  And they go back to Mrs. Robinson and Christian gets angrymadface and gives his hotel number and leaves.

Ana’s mom says she feels their sexual tension (um, ew?) and encourages Ana to go see Christian even though Ana just said she needed time away from him.  So she goes to his room and Christian is making work talk-talk on his phone.  Ana asks if he loved Mrs. Robinson, because that’s the question she should be asking now, and he says no.  Ana’s so relieved she bites her lip (how does she still have a lip? It must be ragged and bleeding by now.  Sexy) and this turns Christian on and Ana wants to talk but he touches her and kaboom nevermind. 

Then he asks . . . if she’s bleeding.  Hey, guyz, Ana is on her period!  So glad we know this!  This makes Christian happy because he doesn’t have to use protection.  Okay.  So we already knew James was not great with English, and now we know Biology is also not her strong suit because it’s possible for a woman to get pregnant pretty much anytime.  We can store sperm in our bodies for a few days, and Ana probably has enough stored by now to give birth to a soccer team. 

Anyway, Christian decides they will take a bath.  So he takes off her clothes and I’m thinking but she’s on her period, and he rubs her and asks when she started her period (really???) and she says yesterday and he’s happy about this and then he . . . okay, I knew about this before I got here.  This scene in the book is rather infamous.  Still, you do not know the horror until you actually read it yourself.  Um, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, he yanks out her tampon and tosses it in the toilet.

I am not making this shit up.

They have sex and then get in the bath and her blood is on him and this is just gross.  I mean, yes, you can technically have sex on your period, but it really is a mess, and why in the hell would anyone ever write about it?  Ana sees Christian’s scars and realizes they are from cigarette burns but he won’t talk about it so she goes on to a new topic – Mrs. Robinson!  Ana, even I don’t blame Christian for wanting to slap you now. 

So Christian asks if it was really all that bad when he hit her EIGHTEEN TIMES and Ana whispers, “Not really.”  Nah, I just screamed in pain and sobbed when you left.  No problem.  I am amazed at how fast she heals up from this stuff though.  Hell, just the number of times they have sex in an hour ought to have torn up her vagina by now.  But enough of that, they have sex in the bathtub.

Later she lays naked (I’m assuming bleeding onto Christian’s sheets) and there’s some blah blah conversation that goes nowhere and her inner goddess does some pole vaulting and then they finally freaking go to sleep. End chapter.

Chapter 24 opens with another dream.  Ana’s in a cage (I’m picturing it looking like a dog kennel) and Christian feeds her strawberries and she tries to touch him but Christian wakes her up because he wants to “chase the dawn” with her.  And I want to throw up.  He makes her the tea she likes and her subconscious mouths to her “See he does care.”  Yeah, Ana.  He stalks you and beats you and controls every aspect of your life but hey, he knows your favorite tea!  It must be love!

They listen to opera in the car because remember they’re highbrow and Ana finds out a sub left a song on his Ipod.  It’s “Toxic” by Britney Spears so it’s pretty clear why he broke up with that one.  There’s more blah talk about Christian’s prior sex life and finally they reach the airfield.  They’re going gliding!  Yippee.  There’s actually some description of the flying but then they land and his tongue goes back in her mouth and we’re back to normal. 

And then they go to IHop oh can you believe it that Christian would lower himself to the International House of Pancakes isn’t that charming?  The waitress comes by and is of course struck by orgasms at beholding the face of Christian.  They eat and Ana tries to pay and Christian says no and he takes her to her Mom’s without asking her address because of course he knows it.  He also knows her mother’s social security number, her driver’s license number, the name of her first pet, and the timing of her monthly cycle.  Okay, I’m just guessing that, but would you be surprised?

Ana says “Why do I want to spend every minute with this controlling sex god?  Oh, yes, I’ve fallen in love with him and he can fly.”  Let’s test it by pushing him out a window.  Her mom prepares dinner and Ana emails.  Christian writes that she talks in her sleep.  Where have I heard that before?  It couldn’t have been Twilight where Edward listens to Bella talk in her sleep, could it?  Nah.  This is a totally original story you guyz.

Ana is offered the job with Mr. J. Hyde’s publishing company.  Hooray.  Then Christian calls her and says he has a “situation” he has to handle and must return home.  Ana remembers that the last “situation” was her virginity.  Hey, a psycho’s got to do what a psycho’s got to do, Ana.  She goes to bed and there is more cutesy emailing back and forth and Ana is all worried about what she might have said in her sleep.  I’d just be worried about sleeping near him period, but that’s just me.  End chapter.

“I want you submissive in my playroom.  I will punish you if you digress from the rules.  Other than that . . . well, I think that’s all up for discussion.” (Ch24 p352)

Sounds reasonable to me, Ana.

50SoG Recap #11: Buttplugs on My Mind

I’ve been thinking I should really add some kick-ass pics to these reviews but I’m not sure what putting the terms butt plug, psychopath, and riding crop into my search engine will tell my computer.  More ads for Viagra, coming up!

Anyway, before we get to the recap, I have an important announcement.  I have decided to start a blog fundraiser.  “Grow Ana a Spine” should take off really fast, and I think it is a more worthwhile charity than attempting to increase the size of Christian’s heart three times.  Only one part of Christian increases to three times its original size.

So Chapter 21.  Here we go.  Ana wakes up again, damn it, and tells us oh hey there’s a lot of light in the morning and she feels sorry for Christian again, cause deep inside that psychopathic asshole that beats women with riding implements is a sad little boy that wants a hug.  Awww.  Ana notes that she is adrift from reality.  You think, Ana?

She finds Christian in his office doing worky talk, cause remember he’s an important businessman that knows stuff.  They have sexy times on his desk.  Ana thinks, “Wow, that was unexpected.”  Seriously?  Another sex scene was unexpected?  They happen so often I find myself sounding like that squirrel from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.  A-gain?

Christian’s mood swings again and Ana’s puzzler hurts.  She seeks help from subconscious and inner goddess, but realizes “No- we’re all clueless.”  Our heroine, everyone!

Ana goes to an interview at a publishing company run by a Mr. J. Hyde.  Get it?  Gosh, EL is like so creative, you guyz.  A receptionist greets her but Ana’s not sure if she’s in her thirties or forties cause it’s so hard to tell with older women. 

Newsflash: Ana hates all women.  So does E.L. James.

Mr. Jack Hyde reminds Ana of Christian.  Of course.  And when he asks where she sees herself in five years she thinks dreamily “With Christian Grey.”  Funny, I see her six feet under in less than five weeks, but what do I know?  When Ana gets home Kate frets about how different her pal is acting (red flag, red flag) but when Ana says she thinks she’s in love, she’s like, oh, wow, you know Christian is so in love with you too I can tell by the creepy way he watches you at all times!  Ana is confused again, so she decides to . . . no, just . . . not again . . . email Christian.

There is not-witty email banter and Ana asks if the maid is an ex-sub because Ana is a moron and Christian says don’t be silly that would be weird.  She gets on the plane to Georgia and discovers that somebody upgraded her flight to first class.  I like the security at this airport.  I can imagine the conversation between Christian and the airport personnel.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we have strict procedures here that oooh is that a bright shiny penny?  Go right ahead!”  Chapter end.  Terrorists win.

Chapter 22 opens with Ana enjoying getting sloshed in first class.  This book is one big advertisement for the liquor industry.  It certainly makes me want to drink.  Ana gets out the Mac and emails Christian.  I hate you EL James.  Smart girl tells Mr. Homicidal Jealous Guy that she got a yummy massage from a guy.  The flight attendant tells Ana to put away her electronics.  Yay!  But Ana sneaks a peek at her Blackberry, because hey, email footsie is way more important than the lives of people on the plane.  Even Christian points this out, after he threatens to bind and gag her in the cargo hold.

I would like to bind and gag Ana and throw her in the cargo hold at this point.

She writes one more long, simpering email to Christian and then she’s getting orange juice again (50 Shades of Grey sponsored by Discount Liquor and Juice Emporium).  She makes it to Georgia where they gasp at how heavy the MacAir makes Ana’s luggage.

Does EL James own a computer?  What the hell did she type this shit on?

Ana’s mom gives her man advice.  She considers that her mother must be an expert because “she is on her fourth marriage.”  Logics, Ana does not haves them.  Christian emails Ana back with a lot of TL;DR and tells her that the sub is the one with all the power in the relationship.  All she has to do is say no, after all.  Yeah, um, she kind of HAS said no.  Numerous times.  You don’t listen, Asshat.

When he tells her he won’t bind and gag her in a crate if she doesn’t want him to, Ana is so touched and realizes she misses and loves him even though they’ve been separated for only one day.  They get in another email match with “You stop emailing!” “No you stop!” “No you!” and I get the urge to bash my Nook with a hammer, but it wasn’t cheap so I shall refrain.  Maybe I’ll hit myself with the hammer.

She goes to dinner with Mom, but no need to describe that because we have to get back to the emails.  And Ana, she . . . she asks Christian if he’s been playing with the thesaurus.  Come on, James, you know you’ve been doing that for the entire flipping book.  People can tell when suddenly you toss in a word you don’t understand that you think makes you sound smart but really only confirms your stupidity.  And while we’re on the thesaurus, why did you have to make Ana an English major, when clearly you’ve never taken an English course in your life?  Why, why, why???

Christian says he’s having dinner with a friend and Ana is convinced it is Mrs. Robinson and she is So Mad because what if they get back together?  Gee, that’s the conclusion I’d come to if my boyfriend said he was having dinner with a friend.  He was getting back together with his former molester.  Sure.  These two freaks are perfect for each other.

They email back and forth a couple of times and Christian actually starts sounding more reasonable than Ana but then he comments that she’s been drinking too many Cosmopolitans.  And Ana realizes that he’s followed her to Georgia.  It’s like that moment in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where Julia Roberts realizes that her ex has found her cause he hung up all those towels neatly in a row, remember?  That movie was one of those Chick Flick Romances, right?  End Chapter.

“I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at this stranger.”

Me too, Ana, me too.

50SoG Recap#10: Meet the Parents!

 Chapter 19, page 261.  We’re getting there!  Only seven more chapters.  Is that long enough for him to kill her and then get sentenced to prison for murder where he gets to personally learn some hard limits?  Let’s find out.

Now that Christian has chained up Ana and introduced her to his riding crop and cable ties, it’s time for her to meet his parents!  No, really!  To make this meeting more fun, Christian has stolen Ana’s panties, but Ana is not going to ask for them back, because that will show him.  “I almost hug myself with glee, because I know this will drive him crazy.” Ana thinks.  Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Purposefully antagonize Mr. Stable.

They dance to Sinatra’s song “Witchcraft”, because they are both so highbrow don’t you see?  Naturally he is a fabulous dancer.  They finally leave to meet his parents, and Ana thinks “Oh the many faces of Christian Grey.”  Hey, that reminds me of  “The Three Faces of Eve”, a movie Ana should really check out.  She, subconscious, and inner goddess would get a real kick out of it.

Ana finds out Christian learned to dance from “Mrs. Robinson” her name for the woman that molested him and taught him the fine art of slapping the crap out of people.  She is so jealous.  Jealous of the woman that abused her boyfriend . . . I don’t . . . even.

She meets his mom and dad, who are nothing like the parents in Twilight at all, and then his little sister Mia who bounces around like a Cocker Spaniel on crack.  His brother is there as well, with Kate, and they are making out all over each other which Ana finds really disturbing.  Ana, Ana, Ana.  You were tied up and sucking on a riding crop the night before.  I don’t think you have much room to judge.

Ana mentions that she is going to Georgia to see her mom for a few days.  Christian handles this predictably well.  Dinner time!  Kate mentions that Ana went to the bar with her buddy Jose on Friday because apparently she hates Ana as much as I do.  Christian whispers that he’s “palm-twitchingly mad” now while keeping up a happy face in front of his parents.  Ana is scared to death.  I just love stories of true love, don’t you?

Ana gets jealous of their blonde maid who is in love with Christian. Surprise.  Christian distracts her by running his hand up her thigh.  Ana shuts her legs tight to stop him.  They’re still at the dinner table with his family.  What a charmer, that Christian.  He abruptly announces that he’s going to show Ana around and drags her out to the boathouse.  Well, he starts with dragging, and then tosses her over his shoulder.  Ana’s one brain cell realizes, “He’s mad about something – could be Jose, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip.  Jeez, he’s easy to rile.”  And any of those things are perfectly good reasons to get enraged.  You know, if you’re batshit insane.  He warns her that he is going to spank and then fuck her.  End chapter!

Chapter 20 begins with Ana again pleading “Please don’t hurt me.” Christian proves he’s not completely heartless, and decides to just “fuck her for his pleasure, not hers” as punishment for her not-crimes.  He grabs her, you know, down there and informs her aggressively that “This is mine . . . all mine.”  Oh, wow, I think I am going to swoon. And then he warns her not to come, because he’ll punish her, even though Ana can orgasm to anything, even Trojan commericals.  She doesn’t, lucky girl, and Mia shows up and Christian says he was showing her his rowing trophies.  Because he’s an expert dancer, rower, is fluent in French, and made millions of dollars by the time he was twenty-six.  All this and fucking crazy too!  What a package!

After the dinner, Ana gets mad at Kate. Now Kate does not have all the information we do, since Ana has not told her he’s actually beating her.  However, Kate is supposedly a fabulous investigative reporter, and she did notice that Christian was creepy, and that he has made Ana cry ever since he met her.  So, yeah, duh, Kate.  Then again, you notice she gets mad at the clueless friend for antagonizing the boyfriend, not the boyfriend for getting antagonized and beating her.

But it’s all okay, because Ana thinks, “Can I not lead him into the light?”  Sure, Ana, you can change him with the power of love, even though no other woman has ever managed to do this ever.  He promises to “try” not to be an asshole, and that tiny thread of hope is all Ana needs.  She says she’ll sign the contract, (D’oh!) but he advises she wait until after Georgia.  They go back to his house and the chapter ends oh no there’s another sex scene first.  Cause who wouldn’t be in the mood after that scene at the boathouse?  She asks him to “make love to her” and then her subconscious chides her because “think about all that he’s said, how much he’s conceded.”  Yeah, Ana, he said he’d try not to beat you occasionally.  Jeez.  And subconscious, who the hell’s side are you on anyway?

They share a toothbrush, which is so sexy if you’re a total freak, and Ana has a brilliant idea.  She’ll let him beat her if he’ll just tell her a little about his background.  Great plan!  Christian puts some vaginal balls in her, and she asks him to spank her, and he does, but this time it’s so awesome because it’s not as painful and then he sexes her and they both have massive orgasms and then they cuddle up to sleep.  And then Christian gives her one sentence of background info, just before the chapter mercifully ends.

 “The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia.  Go to sleep.” 

Sweet Dreams!

50SoG Recap #9: Pom Poms and Pap Smears

 Before we get to the recap, I’d like everyone to know that my British friend told me that the green man is that sign that flashes for you to walk.  Ohhhh.  See our little walky man is white, cause we’re American, pal.  Also, the condoms do come in foil packets, but he has never heard of anyone calling them that.  See, even in England they call them condoms, James.  So thank you to my friend – to protect the guilty we will just call him “John” – and let’s get back to the sex dungeons, shall we?

Although talk of condoms reminds me of something.  While I think it’s good that James is advocating for safe, ha, sex here, do we have to hear about every time he “tears the foil packet” and slides one on?  Can’t we just assume they’re taking care of birth control after that first time?  Because reading about putting on a condom is about as exciting as watching someone put on a condom.  In other words, it slows down the action.  Even more.  Which shouldn’t be possible.

Okay, on to Chapter 17.  233 pages into this . . . I hesitate to call it book.  Shit sandwich with words inside – yes, that sounds better.  There are a total of 26 Chapters.  26.  That’s just 9 more chapters.  That’s not so bad, right?  Right???  I may be starting to crack up.  It must be from all this arousal I’m feeling.

Ana wakes up with Christian draped across her, suffocating her with his body heat, but Ana just feels smug because he said he didn’t sleep with women but hey he’s slept with her three times already!  And it only took a few beatings!  Score, Ana!

There are more email wars (Stop it James.  Stop it.)  She explains that she’s a little upset that he beat the crap out of her but hey thanks for the cuddles and makes the subject of her email “Assault and Battery: The Aftereffects.”  Clever Ana.  Christian responds and says “Interesting . . . if slightly overstated title heading, Miss Steele.”  Um, no, I think she pretty much covered it.   He wonders if she can just get over it, you know, for him?  She says she feels like running to Alaska and he says he would find her with his cell phone tracking technology.  Not if she loses the damn cellphone, jerk.  But Ana’s not bright enough to figure that out. She’s probably surprised that boomerangs return when she throws them.

She playfully discusses his stalker tendencies and asks if he’s gotten help and guess whats?  He has a therapist who is probably tied up in his office right now.  She drives to work and feels sadfaced because she wants Christian but not all that baggage he has.  It’s sort of a package deal, nit wit.  Speaking of packages, no, not that one, she gets a package in the mail.  It’s a Blackberry!  You’ll never guess why he gave her that!  He writes in his email, “I need to be able to contact you at all times.”  It’d be easier if he just inserted a tracking device directly into her brain.  There’s a lot of empty space up there.

She doesn’t want it, but of course she keeps it.  She gets home and Kate says, “I did note that he stayed.”  What – like that’s a good thing, Kate?  You don’t think he might have been doing that to control her or anything?  Christian’s henchman takes her car and tells her that Christian is a “good man” cause hell it’s not like he has to worry about getting the crap beaten out of him.  Probably. 

Ana has a nice evening with her friends, including near rapist Jose, who just has such a “boyish charm” ya know.  But oopsie, she forgot to email Christian and he is angrymadface Christian now.  How dare she have a fun time with friends!  He leaves a creepy speech on her answering machine about obeying him properly and she calls back and oh they’re being cute and silly again with all the “you hang up” “no, you hang up”.  I want to hurt them both so badly. 

She moves to Seattle with Kate and Christian sends her another gift.  It’s a helicopter balloon.  I’m guessing there’s a homing beacon in it.  He also sends chilled champagne.  Kate says, “He worries me, Ana.” But then adds “At least it’s good champagne and it’s chilled.”  Yeah, that makes up for everything, Kate.  Idiot.

Ana goes to visit Christian’s place to have a vaginal exam and is so excited her inner goddess jumps up and down with her pom poms.  I bet E.L. James didn’t get to be a cheerleader in high school, what do you bet?  I bet it was those evil blondes that were cheerleaders.  Well, she showed them.

Chapter 18!  You’ll never guess the color of the obgyn’s hair and why it makes Ana all pouty!  She’s even jealous of the woman giving her a pap smear.  Ana needs a different kind of doctor entirely.  The doctor tells Christian to look after her because she is bright and beautiful (how does she know from one exam?) and Ana thinks well gosh that’s inappropriate of her to say.  Wait, what, that’s inappropriate?  Just . . . nevermind.

She jokes with Christian about not being able to have sex for weeks and he jokingly glares at her like he’s about to murder her and oh it’s such a fun game and they both laugh.  He asks what birth control she chose and then reminds her to take her pill everyday.  Please do Ana, we really don’t want you two to reproduce.

Ana thinks, “Holy cow.  He wants to hurt me . . . how do I deal with this?”  Let me think.  Call the police, maybe?  But then he sexes on her and her brain rattles and she forgets about it because omg he is so hot.  They head for the Red Room of Pain and her inner goddess does ballet.  He braids her hair and makes his own Ana leash.  Then he chains her up to some grid, gets out the riding crop, and ride’em cowboy!  Christian whiffs her panties (ew) and shoves them in his pocket.  Then there’s some whipping on her sex, you know, down there, and then he sexes her and she has another shattering orgasm and I yawn and think at least it’s done but no he’s not finished. 

It’s time for the cable ties – remember those?  Ana sold them to him!  He ties her up and there’s his merciless onslaught and moaning and groaning and Christian orders another orgasm so boom there she goes on command.  Ana is really pooped from all the fun torture sexy times and she and Christian go to sleep.  Finally.  End chapter.

Gosh, what a cliffhanger.  What will happen next?  Will they wake up or will his house explode killing them both instantly?  My inner goddess claps her hands at this idea.

 “He can be such fun one minute, and then he can be so formal and stuffy the next.” (Ch17 p239)

 He can also be murderous.  Don’t forget murderous!

50 SoG Recap #8: Whackings and Smackings for Ana

Chapter 15 starts off with more of the witty dialogue we’ve come to expect from Christian and Ana.  Christian brings the booze. 

“Nothing beats a good Bollinger.” “Interesting choice of words,” I comment dryly.

He grins, “Oh, I like your ready wit, Anastasia.”

Yeah, it’s fun to joke about domestic violence.  Christian tells Ana not to think, which shouldn’t be a problem, but Ana’s subconscious says “You can pretend to be a car, like his other possessions.”  Ooh, good one, subconscious!  Ana naturally ignores that voice as she uses what mental faculties she has to try to keep Christian happy so he won’t punish her.

And there’s some blah conversation and Ana says she has an interview and Christian is pissed she didn’t tell him and wants to know where and when and she’s afraid he might want to use his influence to control her career.  Nah, not Christian.  Then he asks if she’s eaten and she rolls her eyes because even Ana is bored with this crap and Christian gets pissy and warns her that he will beat her if she does it again.  And she thinks that’s kind of hot.  My head hurts.

They discuss all the sex acts they’re willing to do and somehow make this boring and butt plugs is mentioned and Ana’s inner goddess “bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.”  A small child that is incredibly horny.  I just . . . nevermind.  Sadly I find the voices in her head more interesting than Ana herself.

After all the talk of spanking, Christian says oh maybe one night a week he could try to act like a human being while still being a controlling abusive asshole on the weekends.  And Ana is so excited – oh yay I am truly changing him with my love!  And then he lays on a condition for this gracious gesture.  She has to accept his graduation gift.  You will never guess what it is! 

It’s a brand new carrrrrr, ladies and gentlemen!  Exactly what she asked him not to buy for her!  But that’s not all, he also insists on his henchman taking her old, beloved car and trashing it.  Ana actually gets angry for a moment, and then she remembers that oh no poor widdle Christian was once mistreated as a child and it is all okay!  But not with Christian, who drags her into her room angrily and Ana pleads in a whisper, “Please don’t be angry with me” and “You scare me when you’re angry.”  And this just, there’s no way to make that funny.  Christian you’re a freaking asshole and I hope you go to prison and someone uses buttplugs on you, Mr. Romantic Lead women are crazy about.  Why?  Why, ladies?  Because he’s handsome?  So was Scott Peterson. You know, the guy who murdered his wife and unborn baby?  Who is now in prison?  And who is still receiving love letters from women.  This is a guy who was CONVICTED of murder and I just don’t even . . . I don’t . . .

Cough, uh, where was I?  Anyway, there’s another sex scene, and Christian lets Ana be on top and “in charge” and Ana is all into that even though she was terrified of him seconds ago.  Because men are not the only ones who think with their reproductive organs.  “Holy Moses, he’s all mine to play with, and suddenly it’s Christmas,” Ana thinks.  Yes, Ana, he’s yours.  Get the flogger.

Instead she gives him another blowjob.  And there’s more mention of the “foil packets” which are apparently condoms in England?  They put them in foil, like potato chips?  I need to ask my British friend about this one.  And the green man, that’s still bugging me.  The sex scene goes on and on and on and I am so bored.  End chapter.

Chapter Sixteen!  Christian explains he is “fifty shades of fucked up” and we have a title, everyone!  In fact, that really should have been the actual full title of this book, because this book is truly fucked up.  Christian boasts that he has given Ana six orgasms and they all belong to him.  Ana remembers that she had an orgasm in her dream uh oh there was one he didn’t give her though it was a dream about him should she tell him?  So she does.  And throws her arm over her eyes.  You know, in case he freaks and hits her.  But Christian likes that she had a dream involving him flogging her, so it’s okay. 

Since there is no limit to Asshat’s intrusiveness, he asks when her next period is due because he doesn’t like wearing condoms.  And oh yes, as the woman she should really think of contraception, but no biggie, he has his own obgyn he can get to make house calls at a moment’s notice because . . . I just . . . and Ana asks to have her very first vaginal exam at his place, because then, squeal, she will get to be with Christian.  And Christian has to go and Ana wants him to stay and then she teases him that she could stretch out this whole contract discussion and he informs her that he would just kidnap her and hold her hostage at his house and it “could get really ugly.”  And Ana thinks, “Jeez this is hot.”  I’m really . . . who do I root for here?  I hate them both.  So much.

And then Ana rolls her eyes at him again and oh oh mad Christian and he tells her he’s going to spank her and Ana and her subconscious are frightened but inner goddess pleads “do it” because inner goddess, remember, is a crazy bitch.  And Christian goes into his twisted psycho Supernanny form and well, I’ll just show you:

“Why am I doing this, Anastasia?” he asks. “Because I rolled my eyes at you,” I can barely speak.  “Do you think that’s polite?” “No.” “Will you do it again?”  “No.”  “I will spank you each time you do it, do you understand?”

And then come the spankings.  Hard slaps that cause her to cry out in pain.  In between, he fondles her so that he can get some sexual abuse in with the physical – saves time that way.  But it’s no biggie, cause he only hits her EIGHTEEN TIMES.  And Christian says, so romantically, “No one to hear you, baby, just me.”

I’m screaming my safe word.  The book ignores me.

He then rapes her, and Ana naturally orgasms.  When it’s over Christian says, “Welcome to my world.”  No thanks, psycho.  He asks if she’s “okay”.  Yeah, no, you bastard, you just hit her EIGHTEEN TIMES she’s not okay.  But Ana says she’s okay and Christian rubs baby oil on her butt and leaves. 

She talks to her mom, and breaks down in tears, and Mom says come to Georgia and Ana thinks, sure, she can go there and get some space.  Christian ought to be fine with that.  Kate sees that she is crying and is upset and advises Ana to tell him to “take a hike”.  Yeah, Ana, listen to Kate!  And Ana thinks, oh, it’s so black and white to her and it’s really a gray area.  No.  No it is not you moron.  Sit down and think about it.  Oh, WAIT you can’t.  She lies to Kate that she hurt herself falling on her butt.  I guess that beats I ran into a doorknob or fell down the stairs.

As usual, the answer is alcohol.  They drink.  And Ana gets in another email match about her car and who will dispose of it and guess who wins?  Ana writes, oh wow, that she doesn’t like him so much, but not because he beat her, because he didn’t stay and cuddle with her afterwards.  She hits send and ponders Christian and why he is an asshole and then we hear Kate and Christian arguing.  Kate tries to keep Christian from coming inside – you know, like a real protective friend.  But Ana lets him stay, because she has both the brainpower and self-esteem of a one-celled amoeba.

She asks if he’ll hit her again.  He says, “Not tonight.”  Oh, how reassuring!  There’s some more blah talk about how Christian “needs” to be in charge cause he’s an asshole and then they cuddle together and as the chapter ends Ana thinks:

“Holy cow.  Christian Grey is sleeping with me, and in the comfort and solace of his arms, I drift into a peaceful sleep.”(Ch16 p222)

I officially nominate Ana for the Darwin awards.