Tag Archives: Aladdin

1,001 Cray Cray Nights

Last post I talked to you about Disney’s Aladdin and promised to tell you about the original story today.  Some of you said you thought Aladdin was a real jerkwad, which he is, but if you compare him to the original Aladdin he comes off looking like Nelson Mandela in comparison.  No, really.

“Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp” is one of the stories from an ancient Eastern fairy tale collection known as The Arabian Nights. The story goes that this sultan kept marrying these girls only to kill them the next morning.  Not sure why, just for giggles I guess.  Anyway, when this  Scheherazade chick gets picked by him, she decides to tell him some bedtime stories and he’s so into them that he keeps letting her live so she can finish them.  She does this for 1,001 nights which means she is either a really awesome storyteller or she was just trying to put the sultan to sleep on purpose.  Considering the number of pointless details to just the story of Aladdin (As Thing One asks, what was the point of making 24 windows in the palace coated in jewels only to leave one unfinished?  why???) I’m going to go with the latter.

Girl:. . . and then it turned out they were in Purgatory all along! Sultan: Now I will kill you.

Girl:. . . and then it turned out they were in Purgatory all along!
Sultan: Now I will kill you.

I got this particular translation from  The Arabian Night’s Entertainments, edited by Andrew Lang.  He informs us that “a great deal that is very dull and stupid was put in, and plenty of verses” but “Neither the verses nor the dull pieces are given in this book.”  If this is the case, I never, ever want to see the book he is referring to, because the crap he left in is both dull and stupid.

But onto the story.  In this version, Aladdin does have parents, but he’s a lazy brat that plays in the streets.  This “grieved the father that he died.”  Wow.  I mean, my kids can drive me up the wall too, but they’ve yet to cause spontaneous death by laziness.  Pretty impressive, Aladdin.  One day this mysterious African magician claiming to be this Middle Eastern kid’s “uncle” shows up and Aladdin’s mom hates him so much she’s like “Hey, yeah, go with him, why not?”  So they travel together and the uncle says “I will show you something wonderful.”

Eh oh!

Eh oh!

It turns out he can open the earth and there’s this cave down there and Aladdin is like “heck with this” but the uncle smacks him, gives him a ring, and tells him to go down and get him a lamp and some jewels off a tree.  The magician wants to kill Aladdin as soon as he comes out, and who can blame him, but Aladdin’s all nuh uh, let me out first and then I give you the lamp, man.  Uncle traps him in there.

So Aladdin uses the lamp to summon Robin Williams right? Nope.  He accidentally rubs the ring that the magician gave him for no apparent reason and out pops a genie of the ring.  He’s all “Yo, what you want, be speakin’ quick homie” and Aladdin demands to be rescued from the cave.  Then he goes to his mom and they rub the lamp and pow, here comes another genie, cause that’s what this little upstart needs is TWO powerful beings serving his every whim.  He orders the lamp genie to bring them fast food and all sorts of crap cause he’s an entitled little creep.

Hey, freaky dude, do what I say!

Hey, freaky dude, do what I say!

Then one day the sultan tells everyone to close their doors cause his daughter’s going to the bath and Aladdin decides to peep on her cause he’s also a pervert.  She’s beautiful of course so he tells his mom he wants to marry her and to her credit his mom laughs in his face. But he threatens suicide if Mom doesn’t do as he asks (our hero), so Mom takes some jewels he got wrapped up in a “napkin” from  Sonic or something and puts them before the sultan.

The sultan is all into the jewels so says Aladdin can marry his daughter. But then he like, forgets, and tells the vizier’s son he can marry her.  So you figure Aladdin has the genie make him a prince so he can compete right?  That wouldn’t be nearly creepy enough, folks.  Aladdin demands that the genie bring him the princess and her bridegroom that night.  So the genie does so, beaming the newlywed’s bed, with the couple in it, to Aladdin.

Please say this isn't happening!

Please say this isn’t happening!

Aladdin has the genie dump the guy out in the cold and the poor princess is all wtf, but Al is all “Hey, babe, I’m your real hubby, let’s snuggle.”  And he sleeps right next to the terrified girl.  And if that’s not enough, he does it the second night too.  No word on whether the married couple has any fun times before, after, or during the time Aladdin is beaming them off in their bed.  Lazy, entitled perv, I mean, our hero.

So the princess tries to tell Dad what’s happening but he threatens to chop off her head cause all the men in this story are jerks.  Then her husband confirms it, and asks if he can have a quickie divorce cause Aladdin creeps him the heck out.  But Aladdin’s happy, and gets the genie to pretty him all up with lots of slaves -white and black! – to attend him and then he has the genie make a big freaking palace cause what else was the genie doing, and then he marries the lucky, lucky girl.

He must be important, dude's got multicolored slaves!

He must be important, dude’s got multicolored slaves!

Then suddenly the story talks about how Aladdin is gentle and modest and courteous and wait is EL James writing this because the main character is none of these things.  Anyway, the evil uncle magician comes back and hears about Aladdin’s palace and tricks the princess into exchanging an old lamp for a new one.  Naturally she takes the magic one that Aladdin never bothered to tell her about cause, duh, woman.

And the magician spirits her and the castle off and the poor girl has yet another jerk to contend with, and he’s apparently so bad he makes Aladdin look good in comparison, cause she’s actually happy to see him when he rescues her.  And THE END oh but WAIT the magician had a brother and are you freaking kidding me?   Even the genie is ticked about this and tells Aladdin quit being a jerkwad, the magician’s brother is here dressed in drag (don’t ask) so kick him out.  And then it is finally THE END.

Now don’t you think the Disney version is great now?

Behind the Fairy Tale: Aladdin

aladdin 1

Hey, a male protagonist that doesn’t wear tights in a Disney movie ? You betcha. We’ve got a movie with Robin Williams, great songs, a good villain, some action, the required romance with a girl who is not a complete moron, and Robin Williams.

In the opening song, a street vendor sings about the land he comes from saying “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face . . . it’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home.” Peeps got mad, so in the video, they ended up having to dub the line with something that wasn’t nearly as funny as hand chopping.  Killjoys.

I'm not sure how anyone could get offended by this guy!

I’m not sure how anyone could get offended by this guy!

Anyway, we start with the villain Jafar. He is trying to get this magic lamp out of this far out cave made of sand. At least he’s smart enough to send in someone else first, and the guy tries to grab something besides the lamp, which triggers the cave to collapse. Jafar and his bird Iago – of course there’s a freaking animal sidekick, played by Gilbert Godfrey of all things – are not pleased. Having to hear Godfrey’s shrieking voice for an entire movie -and through the mouth of a parrot at that –was true Disney cruelty. Anyway, the cave tells Jafar to seek the diamond in the rough.

I had Jafar's expression whenever the bird was on.

I had Jafar’s expression whenever the bird was on.

Next we meet Aladdin, resident street rat. He’s a thief but as he says “I steal only what I can’t afford. That’s everything.” He and his monkey companion Abu – of course he has an animal sidekick – get chased all over by fortunately stupid guards. When they finally get a break to eat, they see starving children and Aladdin hands over his bread. I like how the monkey shoves most of his in his mouth really fast.

Then comes our heroine Jasmine, who is out in the gardens with her – sigh – animal sidekick, a tiger named Rajah. Her father, another of those short, weeble-like men that somehow produced a gorgeous daughter, is trying to marry her off and she’s ticked. I don’t blame her, considering her father is a total moron who is being controlled by the snake on Vizier Jafar’s staff. She decides to run away, and the tiger boosts her up over the palace walls which really weren’t all that high.  Security fail.

Sultan Weeble.

Sultan Weeble

Of course Jasmine doesn’t have a flipping clue about how real life works (let them eat cake!) so she fairly quickly finds herself nearly getting her hand chopped off for taking an apple. They didn’t cut this out of the movie. Moving on. Aladdin helps talk her way out of it, explaining that his poor sister is crazy. Jasmine obliges and says “Hello, doctor” to a camel.

They run away and Aladdin leads her up to his hideout that overlooks the city, and they talk about how both of them are miserable. Jasmine because she’s beautiful and rich and might have to marry, and Aladdin because he has no home, no parents, no food, and hangs out with a possibly rabid monkey. I’m thinking Aladdin has it slightly worse than Jasmine here.

It's so hard being part of the one percent!

It’s so hard being part of the one percent!

Jafar hypnotizes the Sultan and gets his blue ring which he uses in some plot device to find this diamond in the rough who is, surprise, Aladdin. He sends guards to arrest Aladdin, but Jasmine pulls out the old “I’m the royal freaking princess” trick. The guards say they are acting on Jafar’s orders, take her and arrest Aladdin anyway. Aladdin is tossed in prison, and Jafar tells Jasmine he had him executed. Jasmine is upset because like, he wasn’t a jerk or a moron like most of the people she knows.

Meanwhile, Jafar disguises himself as a freaky old guy and gives him a get out of jail free card in exchange for helping him get the lamp out of the freaky cave. He’s told not to touch anything but the lamp. But Aladdin’s stupid enough to bring the monkey. D’oh. Aladdin finds yet another sidekick, a flying carpet, who is sort of alive, in a rug sort of way. Good thing because the monkey – reason #5,000 to hate monkeys – grabs a giant jewel and the cave gets all bitchy and starts to collapse.

Wait, Aladdin, first put down a bag of sand . . .

Wait, Aladdin, first put down a bag of sand . . .

The carpet scoops up Aladdin and monkey and cue Indian Jones scene! Crap is fallin’ everywhere but they make it to the entrance where Jafar tells him to give ‘em the lamp. Aladdin starts to do so when Jafar produces a knife and finally monkey comes in handy and bites him (Hope Viziers can counteract rabies!) and he drops both Aladdin and the lamp into the cave as the sand washes over them.

But all is not lost, except Aladdin’s place in the movie, because he rubs the lamp and ka-bam, out comes Robin Williams. Er, the genie. Also an awesome musical number, “You Ain’t Never Had a Friend Like Me.” So true. I want a friend that grants me freaking wishes. Where is my genie friend, life? Aladdin says he wants out of the cave and the genie transports them out into the desert. Aladdin then informs him he still has three wishes because he didn’t actually wish to be out of the cave, the genie did that himself. Oh, snap. Aladdin is the first lawyer in Agrabah.

I'm fairly certain they scripted none of the genie's lines, just sat back and watched Robin go nuts.

I’m fairly certain they scripted none of the genie’s lines, just sat back and watched Robin go nuts.

Aladdin asks the genie what he would wish for, and the genie says, duh, freedom from granting wishes to schmucks like you. Aladdin promises to use his third wish to set the genie free. The genie wisely doubts this one. Aladdin then wishes to be a prince, so he can win Jasmine, who is clearly so interested in riches and princes since she ran away to the marketplace. But Aladdin’s a guy and clueless. Genie makes him into a prince.

Back at the castle, Jafar is trying to con Sultan Weeble into letting him marry Jasmine so he can be Sultan. But he’s interrupted by the second awesome musical number “Prince Ali”. Aladdin shows up with elephants, dancing girls, swordsmen, a menagerie of animals, etc etc. Jasmine rolls her eyes and is all “what-ev-ah”.

The genie is always so subtle . . .

The genie is always so subtle . . .

Aladdin literally bursts into the castle on an elephant that used to be his monkey. Don’t ask. He and Jafar argue over who gets to have Jasmine, like she’s an Xbox.  She says “Oh no you did-n’t”.  So Aladdin has to figure out some other way to con her. The genie suggests the truth, but Aladdin is like, heck with that crap, and brings out the magic carpet. Girls dig nice rides. Jasmine is no different, and they take off together on the carpet in another musical number “A Whole New World”.

Aladdin gets back and boom, Jafar has his minions attach him to a heavy rock and drop him off a cliff. Genie rescues him.  Jasmine is really impressed with the carpet – I mean Aladdin – and says she’ll marry him. Remember guys, always have a nice ride! Just one problem: Al has no idea how to be a sultan. Of course, neither did Jasmine’s dad, but Al is actually worried and tells the genie he can’t free him like cause he’ll need him later. Jerk alert.

Wait a second, I didn't realize you had a ride!

Wait a second, I didn’t realize you had a ride!

But then Jafar gets suspicious of him, and the bird spies on him and finds out oh oh he’s using the lamp and steals it for Jafar. Stuff gets real, and Jafar wishes himself Sultan and has the genie kick out Aladdin to the ends of the earth during a fit of redecorating. Aladdin hops on the magic carpet and flies back. Maybe Jafar should have checked to see if he had a flying rug first. Oh, well.

Jafar is having a much better time with the lamp than Aladdin, cause he’s already dressed up Jasmine like an Arabian Princess Leia complete with chains. Then Jafar asks the genie to make him a sorcerer and he and Aladdin are fighting while Jasmine is busy drowning in a giant hourglass full of sand. Then Aladdin encourages Jafar to ask to be a genie and the genie is like, you moron, Aladdin, but he was actually thinking. Cause the guy had giant cosmic powers, but was able to be sucked into a lamp and stored.

Jeez, Jabba, er Jafar . . .

Jeez, Jabba, er Jafar . . .

So the genie puts everything back like it was and Jasmine knows that Aladdin’s been lying to her this entire time but he’s cute and did save her life so what the heck, she’ll still marry him. Aladdin frees the genie and THE END except they made two sequels nobody watched.

But what is the story BEHIND the Disney tale?  I admit it had been a long time since I’d read any other version of Aladdin, so I googled it and came upon this totally whack translation of the original and there is just too much cray cray for me to talk about it in this already long blog post. I’ll talk about that in the next post.

So what did you guys think of Disney’s Aladdin?  Stay tuned next time for the botched up story of Pocahontas!