Dear Blunt Life Coach,
I have some bad news. I think it’s over between us. Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor. And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people. Sometimes they need that. Especially stupid people.
But here’s the thing. Not everyone is stupid! Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean. You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.
Twindaddy is a good guy. He loves his kids. And that’s cool, not wimpy. He cares about people, especially his friends. That’s not a weakness as you say. It’s a strength. The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully. Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift. It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know
What don’t you know? You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force. He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore. Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down. But he knows better now. And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.
We all have one of you in our heads. That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up. Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!) Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down. We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else. There must be, well, balance to our Force.
So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over. And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr! Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills. If not, I have another solution. You see, there is a new love in my life. I think you know him.
HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend. I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know. Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own. He kills annoying people. I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily. Like you, Blunt Life Coach. So here’s the deal. Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.
See ya, you meanie,
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.
Hey, Good News, Sparkleponies! I have decided to extend the deadline of the Sparklepony contest for a few reasons. 1) Peeps be busy. 2) I want to give everybody a chance. 3) I’ve only gotten in one entry so far. 4) Some of you have no idea wtf I am talking about but now you DO! It’s about this, folks.
You know you wants it. It is your preciousssssss. All you have to do, if you’ll remember, is write an obnoxious post acting like you are Sparky the won-der blog-ger! If you need ideas, just watch me. I’m obnoxious quite a lot. You knew that? Shut up.
Anyhoo, for all you speshul peeps out there, I am extending the deadline for the contest till September 30th. That’s right, more time to procrastinate – I mean, to get to work! You cannot let that jester djmatticus win so easily! Not when a poneh is on the line!
(this message brought to you by Alice, who might have snorted too much glue whilst glittering this plastic pony. Please humor her.)
Merbear: No, Mildred, you smell like fish…stop!
Alice: holy hell that would have to sting wouldn’t it?
Merbear: Um…ouch…That means it is working. Feel the burn.
Alice: cleans the canal in the presence of mucus? Oh eww. wtf kind of mucus matter she got goin’ on there.
Merbear: I think I just barfed in my mouth a bit. Soda and salt? In your woo hoo?
Alice: seems an odd place to put it. Now butter I get.
Merbear: Now, don’t forget to douche with Lysol, says doctor never. My doctor told me not to douche, actually.
Alice: heck with the douche, I’ll just spray the can up there.
Merbear: I am full of inhibitions baby! Oh yeah, smell me!
Alice: actually, we tried that once at the library on a bunch of nasty videos and it was not good. Smelled like funk AND lysol.
Merbear: Funky junky.
Alice: I like how her ghost is all freaked out – but wait, your hoo-ha! Don’t let him touch your hoo-ha!
Merbear: Did you notice she has her hand upon her breast? Like, alas I am so horny.
Alice: well, someone’s gotta get her going – I’m guessing it won’t be him. He’s half done.
Merbear: Yeah, that is a pre ejaculation face if I have ever seen one.
Alice: Let’s hope he killed his germ life too.
Merbear: But Alice, men can’t douche! They suffer from other manlike issues.
Alice: But how will they insure their daintiness? Oh, right.
Merbear: Have no idea what they do, but those things don’t get hairless themselves.
Alice: True. Hey, no greasy aftereffect! That’s a relief.
Merbear: No, just broken skin. A bit of inflamed tissue.
Alice: good thing it’s not caustic.
Merbear: I use Lysol to kill poop.
Alice: Speaking of, remember that time I had the hoo-ha issue and then I developed a split personality and started robbing convenience stores?
Merbear: Yes, those were troubling times in Wonderland.
Alice: I’m sure it’s in one of those posts way back when. I was so full of doubts and inhibitions before I started shooting disinfectants up my va-jay-jay.
Merbear: It IS preferred 3 to 1.
Alice: But by who? The woman? The man? You know maybe that’s why my ex dumped me – I never douched with Lysol. Damn.
Merbear: Well, go out an get a bottle, and when you are done you can disinfect your toilet. never neglect your lady bits.
Alice: Right. You should check those parts out daily. Play around. Make sure they’re functioning jussst right. Maybe try a brush.
Merbear: I would so not use that brush after searing my insides with Lysol.
Alice: No pain, no gain. You have to be there for your husband, Mer.
Merbear: Ah, you are right. He deserves a fresh lemon scented koochie.
Alice: I wonder if pine sol would work in a pinch. Do I want my koochie to smell like a pine forest?
Merbear: Maybe there will be a unicorn sighting. Perhaps fresh picked cotton..
Alice: jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton!
Merbear: House of Pain. Poor Mildred and her hoohaa. Ghostly Mildred just didn’t have enough energy to fully manifest.
Alice: Yeah, but is it Mildred or ghost Mildred with the smelly um what word have we not used for vagina yet?
Mildred: I have bypassed a few, but I don’t think we used the holiest of holes.
Alice: Ah, that’s a good one
Merbear: Tinker either.
Alice: I wonder why she’s groping her breast. I mean, she really is.
Merbear: She likes boobs. Looks like Darren is not disturbed at all. They need names.
Alice: Yeah, I’m thinking he’s not taking time for a whiff when investigating her “down there.” Darren works well. He could be like three or four people at least.
Merbear: I mean, this seems to have been an awful scary plight for these woman, am I offensive, are the dishes clean, where are the kids. I mean, who needs that shit?
Alice: Kids . . . kids, eh. We’ll make new ones honey! Which is more disturbing a fishy smell or LEMON BLAST?
Merbear: Lemon fresh Mound of venus?
Alice: No, her flower. He put his stem in her pollen
Merbear: My husband said Venus Mantrap.
Alice: ooh that’s a good one. Will have to look up romance books. They have all the good terms.
Hey, once I accidentally sprayed my hair with lysol. True story. It was by the hairspray.
Merbear: Did it make things stiff?
Alice: It wasn’t stiff. I sure did smell weird, though. People were like, sniff, what IS that?
Merbear: You smell so germ free!
Alice: My brother laughed hysterically. I was still a teenager.
Merbear: I would have laughed myself and then sprayed myself too so you didnt feel alone.
Lemony fresh Wonder Twins!
Alice: Wonder Twins activate – with Lysol! You know, other me has been cheating with my husband and I was mad but then I realized I could go watch TV in peace. God I’m glad I didn’t live back then – what year is that ad?
Merbear: its 1950’s
Alice: ah well of course. How did these women survive? Listerine on your head, up your hoo-ha, lysol all over the place. Honey, what are you doing with the cleaning products OMG
Merbear: I know, how fucked up is that? yet, also cost effective.
Alice: suddenly I’m thinking of those swiffer commercials. like the bowling ball falling in love with the broom. Just wtf.
Merbear: bleach is sexy.
Alice: does that mean the woman was having an affair with the broom before? Cause it says don’t worry he wont’ be alone . . .maybe she saw Mr. Clean in the floor and got all excited . . .took advantage of that poor broom
Merbear: OMG HOT!
Alice: Erotic kitchen fiction
Merbear: Oh, write some!
Alice: After 50 Shades, anything is possible.
Hey, readers, I’ve got something special today. Merbear from Knocked Over By a Feather and I teamed up to discuss this fascinating ad from the 40s that’s about . . . a brush? You decide. And head on over to her blog to see more of these hilarious ads deconstructed!
Alice: it’s a stimulator – and the brand is named prophylactic?
Merbear: my favorite line…makes 100 strokes a pleasure. that is fucked up yo.
Alice: what the fuck is she doing with that brush???
Merbear: hmm…i think the rigid package tells us exactly what, indeed
I thought it was a vibrator at first
Alice: It might just be one. I know I don’t get that happy from a brush
Merbear: no…not usually..not enough to sing a song about it
Alice: penetrates hair . . . oh lord
Merbear: it writes itself, really..all the good ones do!
Alice: I wonder which end you use – I mean the bristles massage but that might get uncomfy
Merbear: I think it is one of those multi use brushes one end brushes the other side penetrates
Alice: I do need to recondition my va-jay-jay
Merbear: It is also good for getting snarls out of your pubes
Alice: yes, they are wonderful for scalp massage . . . (dramatic pause) er, uh, so gentle. Yeah, yeah scalp, gentle on the scalp.
Merbear: scalp, of course… brings out all the luster
Alice: it’s a beautifully molded package, hahaha
Merbear: rigid, don’t forget..that is very important
Alice: I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair, and then I’ll use this brush!
Merbear Who needs a man when you have a stimulator? I personally love a hollow handle
Alice: there ain’t nothin like a brushhhh, nothin’ in the worlllld!
Merbear: sing it girlfriend!!
Alice: I still can’t believe the company name, oh my god
Merbear: i wonder of they made condoms too? wtf is Mary Martin?
Alice: lol, she was in South Pacific – it says above the ad. I think she also played Peter Pan?
Merbear: oh, I thought she looked familiar..I didn’t recognize her without the green tights
Alice: When cross dressing, always bring your brush.
Merbear: hey, the bitch doesn’t even have hair!
Alice: Yeah, so how does she know how good that brush is . . . ohhhh
Merbear: Um, perhaps they should have gotten Marilyn Monroe to model this thing or someone from that generation. You know, someone who has hair would be helpful.
Alice: Brushes are a girl’s best friend
Merbear: You said it, sister!
Alice: Yeah, I don’t think she’s using it on her head.
Merbear: I feel bad now, that lady is probably dead.
Alice: yeah but she was all famous and shit so it’s cool.
Merbear. Yeah, I am sure she wouldn’t mind. She had her day in the sun.
Alice: Was it a brush related death? Going to hell now, I am.
Merbear: I bet she got it stuck.
Alice: THAT would be an embarrassing ER trip
Merbear: Had a mind of it’s own one day and bzzzzzzz….
Alice: I sat on it doc I SWEAR
Merbear: Nurse, quick, get the forceps…
Alice is pooped. Poop poop poop pooped. She willingly concedes the post-a-day-are-you-freaking-kidding-me challenge to Speaker 7 and Jen and Tonic. Apparently, her lungs have decided they are still tired. Also her brain.
I still plan on having the next recap up on Monday, because who can live without brain sucking literature? Also, on the 16th, Alice will be starring on Black Box Warnings, Le Clown’s more serious le site. Woot.
Oh, and “Post”.
That stands for Save Our Alice. For everyone’s info, Alice is currently being held hostage, and has been since Thursday, by an evil race known as the Mucus People. She would appreciate any kind thoughts and prayers. Also bling and cash donations. But mostly prayers.