Tag Archives: Alice

It’s not me, BLC, it’s you

Dear Blunt Life Coach,

I have some bad news.  I think it’s over between us.  Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor.  And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people.  Sometimes they need that.  Especially stupid people.

But here’s the thing.  Not everyone is stupid!  Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean.  You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.

Not cool, BLC.  Also, your name does sound like a McDonald's menu item.

Not cool, BLC. Also, your name does sound like a McDonald’s menu item.

Twindaddy is a good guy.  He loves his kids.  And that’s cool, not wimpy.  He cares about people, especially his friends.  That’s not a weakness as you say.  It’s a strength.  The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully.  Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift.  It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now

Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know

What don’t you know?  You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force.  He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore.  Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down.  But he knows better now.  And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.

We all have one of you in our heads.  That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up.  Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!)  Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down.  We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else.  There must be, well, balance to our Force.

So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over.  And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr!  Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills.  If not, I have another solution.  You see, there is a new love in my life.  I think you know him.

Greetings, Meatbag.

Greetings, Meatbag.

HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend.  I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know.  Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own.  He kills annoying people.  I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily.  Like you, Blunt Life Coach.  So here’s the deal.  Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.

Na na na na, goooooodbyyyyyye!

Na na na na, goooooodbyyyyyye!

See ya, you meanie,

Alice

A Very Merry Interview with a Stormtrooper

Great news, sparkleponies!  The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview!  If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog.  He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities.  But I don’t want to give away too much.  On with the interview!

image photoshopped esp for you by twindaddy

image photoshopped esp for you by twindaddy

Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?

BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.

Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.

BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.

Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?

BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.

Alice: Because you are hot.

BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?

Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?

BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.

Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?

BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.

Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?

BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun.  Hint, hint.

Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?

BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.

Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?

BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.

Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?

BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.

Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.

BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that.  Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.

Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.

BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.

Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.

BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.

At this point, BLC made a break for it.  I will catch him later.  Mwah!  Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon.  You have questions?  He’ll have answers.  If he ever stops running.

Sparkly Announcement!

Hey, Good News, Sparkleponies!  I have decided to extend the deadline of the Sparklepony contest for a few reasons.  1) Peeps be busy. 2) I want to give everybody a chance.  3) I’ve only gotten in one entry so far.  4) Some of you have no idea wtf I am talking about but now you DO!  It’s about this, folks.

You could win THIS sparklepony ooooh look at the shiny glitter!  You wants it, yes?

You could win THIS sparklepony ooooh look at the shiny glitter! You wants it, yes?

You know you wants it.  It is your preciousssssss.  All you have to do, if you’ll remember, is write an obnoxious post acting like you are Sparky the won-der blog-ger!  If you need ideas, just watch me.  I’m obnoxious quite a lot.  You knew that?  Shut up.

Anyhoo, for all you speshul peeps out there, I am extending the deadline for the contest till September 30th.  That’s right, more time to procrastinate – I mean, to get to work!  You cannot let that jester djmatticus win so easily!  Not when a poneh is on the line!

(this message brought to you by Alice, who might have snorted too much glue whilst glittering this plastic pony.  Please humor her.)

Alice and Merbear’s State of the Hoo-Ha Address

https://i1.wp.com/tigerbeatdown.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/1950s-lysol1.jpg

Merbear: No, Mildred, you smell like fish…stop!

Alice:  holy hell that would have to sting wouldn’t it?

Merbear: Um…ouch…That means it is working.  Feel the burn.

Alice: cleans the canal in the presence of mucus? Oh eww.  wtf kind of mucus matter she got goin’ on there.

Merbear: I think I just barfed in my mouth a bit.  Soda and salt?  In your woo hoo?

Alice: seems an odd place to put it. Now butter I get.

Merbear:  Now, don’t forget to douche with Lysol, says doctor never.  My doctor told me not to douche, actually.

Alice: heck with the douche, I’ll just spray the can up there.

Merbear: I am full of inhibitions baby! Oh yeah, smell me!

Alice:  actually, we tried that once at the library on a bunch of nasty videos and it was not good. Smelled like funk AND lysol.

Merbear: Funky junky.

Alice: I like how her ghost is all freaked out – but wait, your hoo-ha! Don’t let him touch your hoo-ha!

Merbear: Did you notice she has her hand upon her breast?  Like, alas I am so horny.

Alice: well, someone’s gotta get her going – I’m guessing it won’t be him. He’s half done.

Merbear: Yeah, that is a pre ejaculation face if I have ever seen one.

Alice: Let’s hope he killed his germ life too.

Merbear: But Alice, men can’t douche!  They suffer from other manlike issues.

Alice: But how will they insure their daintiness? Oh, right.

Merbear: Have no idea what they do, but those things don’t get hairless themselves.

Alice: True. Hey, no greasy aftereffect! That’s a relief.

Merbear: No, just broken skin.  A bit of inflamed tissue.

Alice: good thing it’s not caustic.

Merbear: I use Lysol to kill poop.

Alice: Speaking of, remember that time I had the hoo-ha issue and then I developed a split personality and started robbing convenience stores?

Merbear: Yes, those were troubling times in Wonderland.

Alice: I’m sure it’s in one of those posts way back when. I was so full of doubts and inhibitions before I started shooting disinfectants up my va-jay-jay.

Merbear:  It IS preferred 3 to 1.

Alice: But by who? The woman? The man? You know maybe that’s why my ex dumped me – I never douched with Lysol. Damn.

Merbear:  Well, go out an get a bottle, and when you are done you can disinfect your toilet.  never neglect your lady bits.

Alice: Right. You should check those parts out daily. Play around. Make sure they’re functioning jussst right. Maybe try a brush.

Merbear: I would so not use that brush after searing my insides with Lysol.

Alice: No pain, no gain. You have to be there for your husband, Mer.

Merbear: Ah, you are right. He deserves a fresh lemon scented koochie.

Alice: I wonder if pine sol would work in a pinch. Do I want my koochie to smell like a pine forest?

Merbear:  Maybe there will be a unicorn sighting.  Perhaps fresh picked cotton..

Alice: jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton!

Merbear: House of Pain. Poor Mildred and her hoohaa.  Ghostly Mildred just didn’t have enough energy to fully manifest.

Alice: Yeah, but is it Mildred or ghost Mildred with the smelly um what word have we not used for vagina yet?

Mildred: I have bypassed a few, but I don’t think we used the holiest of holes.

Alice: Ah, that’s a good one

Merbear: Tinker either.

Alice:  I wonder why she’s groping her breast. I mean, she really is.

Merbear: She likes boobs.  Looks like Darren is not disturbed at all.  They need names.

Alice: Yeah, I’m thinking he’s not taking time for a whiff when investigating her “down there.”  Darren works well. He could be like three or four people at least.

Merbear: I mean, this seems to have been an awful scary plight for these woman, am I offensive, are the dishes clean, where are the kids.  I mean, who needs that shit?

Alice: Kids . . . kids, eh. We’ll make new ones honey!  Which is more disturbing a fishy smell or LEMON BLAST?

Merbear: Lemon fresh Mound of venus?

Alice: No, her flower. He put his stem in her pollen

Merbear: My husband said Venus Mantrap.

Alice: ooh that’s a good one. Will have to look up romance books. They have all the good terms.

Hey, once I accidentally sprayed my hair with lysol. True story. It was by the hairspray.

Merbear: Did it make things stiff?

Alice: It wasn’t stiff. I sure did smell weird, though. People were like, sniff, what IS that?

Merbear: You smell so germ free!

Alice:  My brother laughed hysterically. I was still a teenager.

Merbear: I would have laughed myself and then sprayed myself too so you didnt feel alone.

Lemony fresh Wonder Twins!

Alice: Wonder Twins activate – with Lysol!  You know, other me has been cheating with my husband and I was mad but then I realized I could go watch TV in peace.  God I’m glad I didn’t live back then – what year is that ad?

Merbear:  its 1950’s

Alice: ah well of course. How did these women survive? Listerine on your head, up your hoo-ha, lysol all over the place. Honey, what are you doing with the cleaning products OMG

Merbear: I know, how fucked up is that?  yet, also cost effective.

Alice: suddenly I’m thinking of those swiffer commercials. like the bowling ball falling in love with the broom. Just wtf.

Merbear: bleach is sexy.

Alice: does that mean the woman was having an affair with the broom before? Cause it says don’t worry he wont’ be alone . . .maybe she saw Mr. Clean in the floor and got all excited . . .took advantage of that poor broom

Merbear: OMG HOT!

Alice: Erotic kitchen fiction

Merbear: Oh, write some!

Alice: After 50 Shades, anything is possible.

Merbear and Alice get Stimulated!

Hey, readers, I’ve got something special today.  Merbear from Knocked Over By a Feather and I teamed up to discuss this fascinating ad from the 40s that’s about . . . a brush?  You decide.  And head on over to her blog to see more of these hilarious ads deconstructed!

http://www.retro-ads.net/v/1940s/Grooming/Women/1949_Stimulator.jpg.html

1949 Stimulator Ad

Alice: it’s a stimulator – and the brand is named prophylactic?

Merbear: my favorite line…makes 100 strokes a pleasure.    that is fucked up yo.

Alice:    what the fuck is she doing with that brush???

Merbear:  hmm…i think the rigid package tells us exactly what, indeed

I thought it was a vibrator at first

Alice:  It might just be one. I know I don’t get that happy from a brush

Merbear:  no…not usually..not enough to sing a song about it

Alice:    penetrates hair . . . oh lord

Merbear:    it writes itself, really..all the good ones do!

Alice: I wonder which end you use – I mean the bristles massage but that might get uncomfy

Merbear:    I think it is one of those multi use brushes    one end brushes the other side penetrates

Alice:  I do need to recondition my va-jay-jay

Merbear:  It is also good for getting snarls out of your pubes

Alice:    yes, they are wonderful for scalp massage . . . (dramatic pause) er, uh, so gentle.  Yeah, yeah scalp, gentle on the scalp.

Merbear:    scalp, of course… brings out all the luster

Alice:    it’s a beautifully molded package, hahaha

Merbear:  rigid, don’t forget..that is very important

Alice:    I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair, and then I’ll use this brush!

Merbear    Who needs a man when you have a stimulator?    I personally love a hollow handle

Alice:    there ain’t nothin like a brushhhh, nothin’ in the worlllld!

Merbear:    sing it girlfriend!!

Alice:   I still can’t believe the company name, oh my god

Merbear: i wonder of they made condoms too? wtf is Mary Martin?

Alice:   lol, she was in South Pacific – it says above the ad. I think she also played Peter Pan?

Merbear:    oh, I thought she looked familiar..I didn’t recognize her without the green tights

Alice:  When cross dressing, always bring your brush.

Merbear:    hey, the bitch doesn’t even have hair!

Alice:    Yeah, so how does she know how good that brush is . . . ohhhh

Merbear:    Um, perhaps they should have gotten Marilyn Monroe to model this thing  or someone from that generation.  You know, someone who has hair would be helpful.

Alice:    Brushes are a girl’s best friend

Merbear:  You said it, sister!

Alice:    Yeah, I don’t think she’s using it on her head.

Merbear:    I feel bad now, that lady is probably dead.

Alice:    yeah but she was all famous and shit so it’s cool.

Merbear.    Yeah, I am sure she wouldn’t mind.  She had her day in the sun.

Alice:    Was it a brush related death? Going to hell now, I am.

Merbear:    I bet she got it stuck.

Alice:    THAT would be an embarrassing ER trip

Merbear:    Had a mind of it’s own one day and bzzzzzzz….

Alice:    I sat on it doc I SWEAR

Merbear:    Nurse, quick, get the forceps…

Stormtrooper in Wonderland – Part 2

Today guest blogger  twindaddy of the Unshitty™ Stuphblog continues the story of an unfortunate storm trooper lost in Wonderland.  In case you missed it, click here for Part One.
. . . And now the stunning conclusion to a Stormtrooper in Wonderland!

I stepped through the doorway and into another world. Or at least, it seemed like another world. I was in the back of what appeared to be a rather large courtroom. At the head of this room was a very large woman wearing a crown and a red and black ensemble. Before her at a small podium was a small, blonde-haired girl wearing a blue dress with a white apron. Surrounding the entire courtroom were large rectangular cards. Some sort of playing card I’ve never encountered before. They all had arms and legs protruding from their corners, and each card held a spade-shaped mêlée weapon in its right hand. I found it a very odd thing to make a statue of, let alone surround an entire courtroom with. Very odd, indeed.

I turned my attention back to the queen. Well, I assumed she was a queen since she was wearing a crown. For all I know judges might wear crowns on this planet. I should be expecting the unexpected since I seem to be able to free fall some ungodly distance without breaking anything, or worse, dying.

The queen (I’ll keep referring to her as such until proven otherwise) was rubbing her hands together as a humorless grin spread across her repugnant face. She slowly leaned forward, towards the little blonde girl, and mockingly asked, “Now what were you saying, dear?”

As she spoke the most mysterious thing happened. An animal materialized out of thin air atop the queen’s head. In fact, it was sitting in the queen’s crown. How the queen did not feel the additional weight of this creature was beyond me, but she remained oblivious nonetheless. The creature was some sort of feline animal, it’s fur alternating stripes of purple and pink with a violet mane. Its eyes consisted of yellow scleras and black pupils, indicating, to me anyhow, the creature was quite mad. This was almost too much to handle. No creature that small has a cloaking device!

As the the queen spoke a mischievous grin permeated the creature’s face. When the queen was finished with her question, the creature spoke. “Why she simply said that you’re a fat, pompous, bad-tempered, old tyrant!”

The creature threw its head back in maniacal laughter as it vanished from sight. Unfathomable.

Every inch of the queen’s skin flushed red with anger. She madly waved her fists through the air and exclaimed, “Off with her head!”

The playing cards, which I had assumed were statues, sprang into motion. They converged on the poor little girl from all directions. The little girl wasted no time vacating the podium and running towards the back of the courtroom. Towards me.

Great.

I readied my blaster as the little girl closed in on me.

“Help! Help!” she cried to no one in particular.

I wasn’t sure who to help in this case. Obviously the queen, if that’s indeed what she was, was in some position of authority here. The little girl, however, seemed so innocent and was obviously too young to be beheaded. At least, in my estimation she was, but I’ve seen more heinous deeds committed throughout the galaxy at the whim of the Emperor.

The little girl finally noticed I was standing there and headed straight for me. She continued crying for help as she ran by and hid behind me. She stuck her head out from behind me and asked me to help her.

“Please, sir, you must help me!” she pleaded.

I turned and regarded her. The little girl couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 standard years old. How anyone could order a child so young to death bewildered me.

“What have you done?” I asked her. “What is your crime?”

“All I did was tell the queen how ridiculous this whole proceeding was. Please, sir, you must help me!”

“What is your name?” I inquired.

“My name is Alice, sir,” she answered, frightened. “Will you please help me?”

“How old are you, Alice?”

“Seven and a half, sir. Please save me.”

The fear in this child overwhelmed me and I knew I could not deny her. She was so innocent. So young. So naive. No creature so young should be put to death under any circumstances. “Okay,” I conceded. “I’ll help you.”

I turned to face the horde of cards that had been chasing her only to find a completely different scene than I had expected. I was surrounded by cards menacingly holding their spade-shaped weapons at the ready. In front of them all, however, stood the queen, her skin now a deep shade of crimson. I could almost see smoke escaping her ears as she fumed. I brought my blaster carbine to my chest and gripped it tight with both hands, ready for action.

“Who are you?” she demanded.

“I am Drun Kenman, trooper for the Empire. You will not bring harm to this child,” I boldly proclaimed. At least, I hope that’s what I did. I was honestly a little intimidated. I mean, I am an Imperial stormtrooper and, a highly trained one at that, but I was seriously outnumbered here.

The queen calmed down noticeably. Her breathing slowed down and a regal grin overthrew her angry frown. “Is that so?” she asked as if she were amused by my statement.

“That is so, queen,” I placed highly sarcastic emphasis on the word ‘queen’ to ensure she knew that her perceived authority over me was just that. Perceived. I had a feeling my response would not be well-received, and I was prepared for that eventuality.

The queen threw her head back violently and began angrily screaming. “Off with his…”

That was quite enough. It was the response I expected and I wasn’t prepared to tolerate the disrespect she was showing an Imperial trooper. Local monarchs are not above Imperial law, and according to the Emperor, should be shown no mercy when they disrespect the Empire. So I quickly snapped my blaster carbine up and pulled the trigger before the queen could finish her cry for my head.

The blaster bolt struck her in the jaw, snapping her head back and knocking her off of her feet. She landed loudly on her back. The ground even tremored a bit when she landed. Ha! That shut her up!

The collective gasp which escaped the mouths of all of the cards when I blasted her was deafening. It was obvious that nobody had ever defied this queen and they weren’t sure how to respond. Either that, or they were totally intimidated with how fearsome I am. It must be the armor, I decided.

A puny elderly man emerged from beyond the sea of cards. He was attired much like the queen, and wore a crown identical to hers. His jaw fell slack when he saw my handiwork. As his gaze slowly turned from his deceased wife to me, anger consumed him just as slowly. Soon, he was furious. I’m not quite sure why. He should be relieved that he didn’t have to be married to that cur any longer.

He stared at me. He stared some more. Then, he kept staring at me. The total lack of anything else happening was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. As he stared continuously at me, his face began turning different shades of red, each darker than the last.

I was just about to turn and leave with Alice when the king (at least, I’m assuming that’s who he was) finally spoke. “What are you waiting for?” he said to seemingly no one in particular. “The queen said off with his head so off with his…”

I’d had enough of this place. First the queen, now the king. Why does everybody want to take my head off? I wasn’t going to let the king finish ordering my death, either, so I blasted him as well. As the king was mid-sentence, I again snapped my carbine into position and squeezed the trigger. Pure crimson energy spewed from the muzzle of my carbine and then percussed the king in the abdomen. He crumpled silently to the ground, his cry for my head effectively ended.

I decided a tactical retreat was in order seeing as how I was still insurmountably outnumbered. Sure, I’d lopped off the head (for you slower folks, that’s the king and queen), but the body was still functioning and lethal. And surely the head would grow back (that means somebody else will assume control of them; try to keep up). I spun 180 degrees, prepared to grab Alice and exit through the door which had delivered me into this catastrophic situation, but it was gone. The door was gone. Where the hell did it go? There was nothing there but an empty wall now.

I turned back to face my attackers. They had finally mobilized and were marching towards me. They came at me in three single-file lines. Not a brilliant tactical maneuver if I say so myself. I brought my trusty blaster carbine up in both hands and began squeezing the trigger rapidly.

Three shots later, I had hit the lead card in each line. Each card fell backward when it was hit. The cards were so close together that when the lead card in each row fell backward it tumbled into the card behind it, therefore knocking it over. The cycle repeated itself over and over. In essence, I just played dominoes with my blaster. If the situation weren’t so dire I might have laughed at these strange happenings.

Now that I was out of immediate danger, I began frantically searching the courtroom for some other way out. A glance to the left yielded no results. There was only a solid wall there. A glance in front of me was useless, as that’s where literally dozen of cards were sprawled out on the floor, some of them already beginning to get back to their feet. I glanced to the right and saw a passage in the wall. It was my only hope.

I grabbed Alice by the hand and began sprinting for the passage. I entered a hallway with green walls which abruptly turned 90 degrees to the left only a few meters in. I made the turn and continued to run with Alice’s hand enclosed in mine. We came to another turn in the hallway. This one was a 90 degree turn to the right. I took the turn and finally began to sense something was amiss. There were no doors in these hallways. No other openings. No windows. Nothing but turns.

I heard a cacophony of voices behind me. Without breaking stride, but slowing down enough so that I wouldn’t fall over, I risked a glance behind me. The cards were after us. And worse, there were catching up. I could only run as fast as poor little Alice could as she was so little that her legs couldn’t keep up with mine.

We came to another turn. This was a u-shaped turn. As we were taking the turn, Alice spoke through her heavy breaths. “It’s a maze! We’re in a maze.”

She was right. I had realized it a few seconds ago, but hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. Still, we had no choice but to keep running, so we did. We took several more turns. Left turns. Right turns. U-turns. Each turn brought the cards closer to catching us. Then we came to a dead-end. No more turns. Nowhere to run.

I let go of Alice’s hand and turned to face the coming horde of cards. Alice started beating on the walls and began desperately screaming for help. The cards were still some distance away and it would be a minute or so before they caught up, but they were coming. I could hear them. And then, I could see them.

Suddenly I heard a haunting voice. The same haunting voice I had heard when I initially fell in the cave. “Looking for a way out?” it asked.

I turned and the door was there. The knob was intact and there was no indication that I had ever shot it with my blaster.

“Yes!” Alice answered before I could. “Yes! Let us out!”

“And why should I do that when I was treated so rudely before?” it asked with an arched eye directed at me.

“What does he mean?” Alice asked, looking in my direction.

I looked at her and shook my head. “I’ll tell you later.”

I then turned my attention to the door. “If you don’t I’ll blast you again.” I hoped that sounded as threatening as I thought it did, but I was becoming rather desperate and it’s hard to intimidate anyone (or anything in this case) once desperation sets in.

The door laughed. I’ve endured some pretty humiliating things in my life before, but having a door laugh at me, especially right after having threatened it, was now at the top of that list.

“Trooper of the Empire, huh? You’re already out there.” it said.

Not only was I humiliated, but I was now confused as well. “What do you mean, ‘I’m already out there?’”

“Have a look,” it said. Then, it’s mouth (the keyhole if you’ll remember) opened wide. I cautiously peered through the mouth and saw myself sitting, propped up against that fat tree on Dantooine, sleeping. My helmet and blaster carbine lay beside me on the grassy plain as my chest plate gently rose and fell with each breath.

“Oh, for the love of… You mean I’m dreaming?” I asked as I backed away from the door.

“You’re dreaming? What does that mean for me?” Alice asked.

“It means you’re not real and if I want to get out of here I need to wake myself up. And the only way I know of to do that in a dream is to die.”

“Die?” the little girl asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, die. This is a dream, so I’m going to shoot myself, but before I do…”

I shot the door. Again. Pompous door. Don’t ever humiliate a stormtrooper. Even in his dreams. Man that felt good.

Then, knowing that I was dreaming, I turned and started unloading my blaster carbine on the approaching cards. I made a game of it. I was having a blast. Pun intended.

“Ha ha! Take that! Another one bites the dust! Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” I was having all sorts of fun.

Eventually the cards made it to me. They still ridiculously outnumbered me and the amount of shots I could fire. At that point, when I was overcome and about to be captured, I turned my blaster carbine on myself and pulled the trigger.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Darkness. Everything was dark. As I came to my senses, I realized that my eyes were closed. No wonder it’s dark. Light was beating down on my eyelids and some of it permeated through. I opened my eyes and brought my hands up to shield the blinding light from my sensitive eyes.

It took a handful of seconds, but my eyes eventually adjusted. I was right where I had seen myself in my dream just a few minutes ago: sitting on the ground propped up against the tree. I looked down to my left and saw my helmet and blaster just where they had been in my dream too.

Then, voices sprang from my comlink. “SB1977. Come in, SB1977.” It was my captain.

I lazily plucked my comlink from my utility belt. “SB1977 here,” I answered

“Any sign of the rebel base?” he queried.

“Uh,no, sir. I’ve searched my entire sector and there are no rebels here…”

Pooped!

Alice is pooped.  Poop poop poop pooped.  She willingly concedes the post-a-day-are-you-freaking-kidding-me challenge to Speaker 7 and Jen and Tonic.  Apparently, her lungs have decided they are still tired.  Also her brain. 

I still plan on having the next recap up on Monday, because who can live without brain sucking literature?  Also, on the 16th, Alice will be starring on Black Box Warnings, Le Clown’s more serious le site.  Woot. 

Oh, and “Post”.

Alice

S.0.A.

That stands for Save Our Alice.  For everyone’s info, Alice is currently being held hostage, and has been since Thursday, by an evil race known as the Mucus People.  She would appreciate any kind thoughts and prayers.  Also bling and cash donations.  But mostly prayers.

Sincerely

Alice