An Alice Mother’s Day Special
I know. You’re shocked. Here it is, another holiday, and here I am with another post. What are the odds? Just be happy that I don’t make a post for every holiday out there. There are TONS of random, stupid holidays made up by people every day. My coworker discovered a site full of them. For instance, we’ve already had numerous holidays this month including Star Wars Day (May 4), Lost Sock Memorial Day (May 9), and Eat What You Want Day (May 11). I celebrate these days regularly, and you should too. I bet you didn’t even buy a CARD for Star Wars Day, did you? I know a storm trooper who will be extremely disappointed in you.
But most people remember Mother’s Day, for one major reason: guilt. For once, the shoe is on the other foot, children. Mothers are made to feel guilty from the time that stick turns pink (and even before, hence the popular plea why haven’t you had babies yet???). You didn’t have a natural birth, you didn’t breastfeed, you put your child in daycare, you stayed home with your child but did not provide him with Baby Bach and routine trips to the museum, you didn’t make your child’s baby food from scratch, you didn’t wear your child like a coat, you didn’t write down every one of your baby’s accomplishments in a book or worse you did it for one kid and forgot the other, you didn’t homeschool, you let your kid watch T.V., play video games, and eat fake cheese product and even if you did all the right things and none of the wrong things that just makes other moms hate you.
There is no winning for moms. But we have a day, you guys, one day that is all about us, where people recognize our greatness with cards, flowers, and maybe even a trip out to eat at some fine establishment like Hooters. If your child is younger, he or she might make you a homemade card. The card will say sweet things like “I like my mom because she smells like oranges.” And there will be a little hand print. And you’ll say aw, that is so sweet and you will intend to put it in a frame somewhere but then forget and lose it and feel guilty forever and wonder why did those teachers have them make cards do they have no decency?
But I usually tell you about the origins of these holidays, don’t I? This time I looked it up, I really did, on the History Channel, where history is made today so they can show reality shows about loggers (Ax Men – it’s like it’s something cool, but it’s not!) Mother’s Day (at least the one in America and let’s face it the American one is the only one that counts amIright?) was invented by Anna Jarvis who I should point out not never married or had kids herself. She thought American holidays were biased towards the achievements of men (who’d a thought?), so she wanted a holiday on the calendar about women and their achievements. Namely producing a human out of your body and raising it without killing it. Pretty big deal.
She got her way. But then the merchandisers caught hold of it. Soon it was all about buying cards, flowers, and other crap, more than it was about actually say, seeing your mom and saying hey thanks for popping me out of your uterus and supporting me until I was the legal age you could get me out. Poor Anna. By the time she died, she’d already denounced the holiday and tried to get it removed from the calendar. The road to Hell is paved in good intentions, dear Anna, and thanks to you we now have this stupid holiday. I say stupid, even though I partially benefit, because it isn’t just about me. I mean, I have a mom and my husband has a mom and we have to get them stuff too. And then there’s those who have lost their mothers, so this holiday gets to remind them of that and feel crappy while people who aren’t jerks buy their mothers gifts. Just all around fun.
But hey, at least you might get to go out and eat at one of these lovely dining establishments with your whole family. Which makes the whole thing worth it.