Okay, I’m at a loss as to who to interview next.  This chapter of Ana’s memoirs is filled almost entirely with meaningless sex and cray cray.  Who could possibly be an authority on that?  Ana, is that you?

Inner Goddess

Inner Goddess: Oh, no I’m inner goddess.  Ana and subconscious are out today.

Alice: Right.  Hell, why not?  So what’s it like being one of the voices in Ana’s head?

Inner Goddess: Well, for the longest time like I was just so, so bored, you know?  I mean like Ana totally wasn’t worth anything because she didn’t have a guy and no guy was like good enough for her because she only loves literary heroes and psychos and she like hadn’t met either yet but then she met Christian and OMG he is so HOT and I have like been so totally happy ever since!

Alice: This interview is going to suck.

Inner Goddess:  I am like an expert on sucking!  I taught Ana all about how to –

Alice: Yeah, that’s okay.  We know.

Inner Goddess: So there was all this up and down and in and out and all around and they did the hokey pokey and I did triple salcows!  And Ana touched Christian some more around the lipstick marks.

Alice: How long has he had that lipstick on him?

Inner Goddess: Pretty sure it was Revlon Long Lasting in Sex Me Up Red.

Alice: Well that explains it.

Inner Goddess: Ana got dressed in a like beautiful gown like totally better than Cinderella, and then her prince, that’s Christian, slid her sparkly . . .

Alice: Shoes?

Inner Goddess: No silly, vaginal balls.  He slid them up her “down there”.

Alice: For a charity ball at his parents’ home.  He’s having her wear – why am I surprised?  Okay, what happened next, if anything?

You’ll never guess what I’ve got “down there”

Inner Goddess: He gave her a mask and they got in the car and they talked while the balls went whush whush into her hoo ha, and I waved my pom poms and they got to the ball which was really big with like all these bitches that were bitchin’ about my Ana because she is way hotter and specialer than any of those hos.  And she met his grandparents, but like who cares because they are so old and Mia was bouncing like she was high on crack again and Miss European Pigtails showed up which really made Ana mad and . . . Alice are you okay?

Alice: Fine, thanks.

Inner Goddess: But you’re beating your head on the table. That looks painful.

Alice: No, no, do go on. 

Inner Goddess:  Okey dokey.  So Ana and Christian so wanted to have sexy times cause they were at this charity ball, right, and what else would you want to do?  And Ana had to get the vag balls out of her hoo ha, but then Mia went to the potty with her before Christian could, so she just stuffed the balls in her purse and they both were pouty because they like didn’t get to DO IT and we were so horny and drunk that we decided to bid all the money Christian gave us on this Aspen home.  He has lots of homes, you know, like McCain, and he also can’t remember how many.  That is so cute!  Oh, but you know Christian will be so mad at Ana because OMG she used money he gave her to like bet on something without his permission so we are totally left on a cliffhanger, Alice!  Alice?  Alice?

Alice: Oh, are you done?

Inner Goddess: I knew you weren’t listening.  It’s because you’re a blond in a cute little blue dress with a pinafore.  Your kind can’t be trusted.

Alice: That must be it.  Thanks so much, Inner Goddess.  Please go away now.

Inner Goddess: Oh, I’ll never go away.  I am a part of you with my happy, happy pom poms and my voice of pure joy and horniness and oh noo don’t take that antipsychotic nooooooooo I’m melting!

Alice: Much better.  Stay tuned next time when we interview Dr. Flynn.  I think I will need his services.  Don’t you, subconscious?