50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian
In case you’re just joining us, we’ve already interviewed two characters from Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Taylor, Christian’s assistant and most likely prisoner at the moment, and Ana herself. Lucky us. Now let’s see, who is next on my list to cover Chapter 3 . . .
Christian: You! You are the one who talked to my property.
Alice: I . . . come again?
Christian: Taylor and Ana belong to me. Everything belongs to me. You know the song. This land is my land. This land is my land. This land is . . .
Alice: That’s not how the song goes.
Christian: Why aren’t you fainting from multiple orgasms?
Alice: Cause I think you’re an asshole. And I’m not scheduled to interview you.
Christian: Yes you are. I am going to tell you about my romance with Ana now, Alice. Be prepared.
Alice: You’re seriously creeping me out.
Christian: But first I want to know, what did Ana and Taylor tell you about me? Because if you ask me questions, I get to ask questions too.
Alice: That’s not how an interview works. And anyway, didn’t you tape record it all?
Christian: Of course I did. But Ana mistook my tape recorder for a sex toy and . . .
Alice: Yeah, that’s enough! Taylor hates you and Ana is convinced you’re Jesus. The hot Jesus, like the one in that Mel Gibson movie.
Christian: Jesus isn’t nearly as awesome as I am. Now, about that romance. When she left me, I was having a dark night of the soul, so to console myself, I bought the company she works for.
Alice: You did what?
Christian: I know, right? Like Jesus could buy real estate. Moving on, we shared some very sexy emails. I am a master emailer.
Alice: You bought your ex-girlfriend’s company?
Christian: How else could I track her every movement? I have to know that she’s eating. And what she’s eating. And when. And with who. The usual boyfriend kind of thing. Oh, I discovered she ate a banana.
Christian: Isn’t she? She beguiles me! That’s why so many men want her, but they can’t have her, because she belongs to me. I have the papers and everything. She’s even registered with the American Kennel Club.
Alice: You do know she’s actually a human, right?
Christian: No, no, no. She’s a woman. Tsk. Now where was I? Oh, yes, that new boss of hers, Jack Hyde, wants to steal my Ana, and he can’t have her. I once loaned him some Tinker Toys, and he never gave them back. I can’t risk that again!
Alice: Um, how do you know he’s trying to “steal” her?
Christian: She went to Fifty’s for drinks with people from his company. He was there.
Alice: The bar is called Fifty’s? Seriously?
Christian: I had to stake my claim on my woman! It was difficult to get over to her, because women kept fainting in my path or throwing themselves upon me. They just can’t withstand my sexual prowess or the way my pants hang.
Alice: How do your pants hang?
Christian: I have no idea, but it’s sexy, damn it. I informed Jack Hyde that I was the boyfriend. And then he said he was the boss. For a moment, I thought I might have to pee on her to prove my point, but Hyde realized what a fine specimen of man I am and wisely backed down.
Alice: So you grabbed her by the hair and dragged her home to the cave. I got it.
Christian: But you must hear of our ride in the car! Taylor came to pick us up in my AUDI. I drive an Audi. It’s a fabulous car. There’s a phone in the steering wheel and everything.
Alice: I don’t think you realize the fucks I do not give.
Christian: I told Ana that I bought the company and she seemed a little annoyed with me.
Alice: I can’t imagine why.
Christian: Nor I! But I made her laugh, because I’m so witty and all, and she forgot all about being angry with me and let me into her apartment. She wanted sex, of course, but I wanted her to eat first, because my Ana must eat. I have this need for her to eat because once I . . .
Alice: Yes, yes, you went without food when you were four. We know.
Christian: Oh, crack mommy was so neglectful, which is why I am now sad.
Alice: You’re not sad. You’re a psychopath.
Christian: Ana’s cupboard was bare, not even a bone. So we had to go to the grocery store. Can you imagine? Me, at a grocery store?
Alice: I can’t figure out why there is a scene at a grocery store.
Christian: So Ana cooked, and showed me how to chop a pepper.
Alice: That’s a good skill for her to remember.
Christian: And we flirted, and bumped into one another, and the sexual tension was just so high, but I made sure she put the chicken in the fridge before we got to the sex.
Alice: Very practical of you.
Christian: And then we made love. First I took off my socks . . .
Alice: I really don’t want to hear this.
Christian: There was groaning, and begging, and she tried to suck off my royal staff of manhood and then I ordered her to have an orgasm and she did. I think the training is going well. She really responds to the Snausages.
Alice: That was . . . truly horrible.
Christian: I would love to stay and tell you more, but I am a very busy man. I have emails to compose. And mergers. I make frequent mergers. It’s exhausting.
Alice: Um, hey who’s that over there? Is that one of your old subs who is jealous of Ana and is hoping to make a plot point? Possibly?
Christian: Oh, dear. The situation! I must go!
Alice: Huh, his pants really DO hang that way when he runs.