What NOT to Name Your Baby
You know how some countries are so restrictive they actually determine what people can name their children? Every once in a while, I think that’s not such a bad idea. Here are some examples of names that get on my nerves.
A common name made fancy by adding random letters. If the kid’s name is Lindsey, for instance, don’t spell it Lynndzziee. It’s annoying, and they’re sure to end up on a stupid reality show like Bachelor Pad.
Trendy names. Please look around and see if there are a thousand other Emilys or Ashleys or Britneys (Brytnees?) out there before naming baby. Otherwise you’ll get a kid who continues to whine as an adult on her blog about how her name is common and she is supposed to use an initial after it, but she won’t, because they can’t make her.
Food names. Apple, Cherry, Candy, Cookie, Yogurt, etc. Someone might eat your kid.
Calling a child by its middle name. People will never get it right. Ever. They’ll be forever called by their first names. They will complain, like my mother and brother do.
Changing boy names into girl names. Ever notice how once a girl gets named something that was once a boy’s name, it forever becomes a girl name? For instance, Kevin is a typical boy’s name. First time you find a girl named Kevin, forget it. All older Kevins will have to deal with people thinking they’re girls. And they’ll whine about it too. I know my father does. We might just be a family of whiners.
Last names as first names. This is really popular these days. Especially the presidential trend. Kennedy, Madison, Reagan, Clinton, Garfield, Bush, etc. What happens if one of these people marries someone with that last name? Hello there, Mrs Kennedy Kennedy, how are you?
Weather Names. Stormy, Sunny, Windy, Rainy, Hurricane, Tornado, etc. If I want to know the weather, I’ll look outside.
Naming all your children similar sounding names. Nicholas and Nicole, for instance. It’s like the same freaking name. Or worse having a Britain, Braxton, and Breydon in the same family. Your kids really don’t have to have matching names. They’re not furniture.
Sparkly names. Rainbow, Star, Love, Angel, Destiny, Unicorn, Effervescent, etc. Just, stop, please.
Vampire names. Speaking of sparkles, if you want to saddle your kid with Edward, fine, but please don’t say it’s from that insipid book. Your kid will figure out he’s named for a fancy, prancy fake vampire his mom had a weird thing for and he’ll hate you.
Naming siblings for lovers. For instance, you have a boy and a girl named Romeo and Juliet. Why would you do that? It’s just icky.
Stupid nicknames. We can’t always control this one, but sometimes people purposely choose to call their kids stuff like “Corky”, “Rusty”, “Chuck”, “Spot” and the biggest offender . . .
Handing down awful names hidden in the middle name. There’s just no reason to give a kid the name Bertha, even if it’s Jennifer Bertha. Let’s just leave that one in the past, shall we?
Naming a child for the place where she was conceived. Would you want to think about your parents and, well, that when you’re a teenager? I didn’t think so. So no naming your kid First Street Diner, no matter how strangely special that place is to you.
So these are my biggest pet peeve names. What are yours?
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila
Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.