Most Fascinating People of 2012: a Horror Tale by Barbara Walters.
Okay, so I was alerted early on by fellow blogger thelesbiannextdoor that one of the people on Barbara Walter’s Most Fascinating People of 2012 list was (drumroll) . . . E.L. James. The “literary phenomenon” E.L. James. After I was done cleaning up the mess from my head exploding, I discovered why James had made the list. Barbara Walters has lost her mind.
Why do I think that? Just because out of ALL the people in the world in 2012, she picked a hack author that made millions mostly off of morbid curiosity? Because that’s not all, folks! She also picked Honey Boo-Boo. Of course she did. It all makes perfect sense now.
There are many things I might call Honey Boo-Boo and James, but fascinating isn’t one of them. In a way, it’s fascinating how they both made this list, because they have a lot in common. Both are immature (although Honey at least has the excuse of being a child) and both are associated with porn. Honey dresses up like a tiny tot porn star, while James dresses up like a porn writer. But neither exactly fits the bill. Honey shouldn’t be in beauty pageants and James definitely shouldn’t be a writer. Of anything. At all.
So who else made the list? I looked it up here, on The Daily Herald. (http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20121207/entlife/712079991/) They aren’t revealing the whole list yet because they have to convince you to watch this crap somehow. But so far we know these people made this list:
One Direction (a boy band)
Ben Affleck (I think he’s, like, an actor?)
Gabby Douglas (Olympic gymnast)
Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State)
Chris Christie (New Jersey Governor)
Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy” mentor)
So she’s picking a broad range. A very broad range. I would just love to be Hillary, wouldn’t you? I can just imagine how they told her. Hey, guess what? You know how you have one of the highest and most respected offices in the United States and stuff? We’re putting you on a show alongside a hack romance author, a redneck child beauty queen, some actor, and a boy band. Talk about an honor!
So what does Barbara think of 50 Shades? She says, “’50 Shades’ is to adults what ‘Harry Potter’ is to kids.” Wait, what? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Look, I’m not a Harry Potter fanatic or anything, but I did read the books, and from what I could tell, J.K. Rowling actually does have some writing skills. Kids (and adults) loved the books because she had characters people gave a damn about, who grew and changed and, ya know, did stuff besides screw each other. E.L. James writes about annoying people you hate who boink like bunnies. Beyond the fact that both series made astounding amounts of money, I’m not seeing the connection here.
So what exactly is Barbara’s standard for this list? Barb says “We do not do murderers; we do not do embezzlers.” Really? Those are some standards there! How are people supposed to live up to them? And frankly, why stop there? I think I’d rather see a little embezzling and murdering. At least both of those acts take smarts and skill to successfully accomplish.
So am I going to watch her special? Of course I am, if I remember anyway. I tend to miss regular T.V. shows, what with all my time caking makeup on my eight-year-old. But if I make it, I’ll be sure to give you an update on the most fascinating person of 2012. It ought to be a doozie.
This just in: thelesbiannextdoor has a post up (also questioning Barb’s sanity) with a new award for yours truly, and some other people. Now I realize I said I wasn’t in it for the bling, but homemade gifts are the BEST! Of course now I’m supposed to make up my own award. And give her a lot of money. I’ll get right on that. Wait – I think Honey Boo-Boo’s on!