Yay, I’m back! Well, most of me! I think!
You might be thinking this post will finally solve the case of the missing gallbladder. You would be wrong. But I’m going to tell you all about it anyway. My sick posts tend to be some of my best, or at least my pneumonia ones got a lot of praise (story starts here – link drop!). Maybe I write better with lots of pharmaceuticals and / or fever. I don’t want to repeat the fever thing, nor do I know of a way to achieve one on purpose. And pharmaceuticals – well druggies ruin everything.
Where was I? Oh, right, my doctor scheduled me for surgery. When the big day arrived, my husband took me to the waiting room. Waiting for surgery is sort of like waiting for Christmas – only no gifts and they cut you open and stuff. So actually nothing like Christmas, except the expectation of something awful. Like pain. Or relatives. Yet I did get a present – my friend L came to hang with me, despite not actually needing to go to a hospital at all. This makes her insane, but a nice friend, especially for me.
They called me back and checked my vitals to make sure I was alive before they possibly killed me. Yeah, I know all about it, doctors, it’s hard to glance over that part of “possible death we are not responsible for” mentioned in that paperwork. Of course I signed it, because I felt bad enough to not care much anymore. I was nervous, so I focused on interesting and /or stupid things happening to write about later. I got some. They took me off again to a little temporary hospital room of my own with a TV and a bathroom and a bed that had to be hand-cranked because day surgery nurses are given a lot of crap.
I washed myself with a hand-i-wipe and put on my hospital gown. I’d never seen one like this before. Usually they are cloth and open to the back to better expose your behind. But this one was made of paper and had covered rimmed holes all over it. I wondered if they specially designed the gowns for doctors to peek through while doing surgery, but it turned out that they used them to, I’m not kidding, hook you up to a blow dryer. They stuck a hose on my gown and vroom instant warm. I have to get one of those things for home. It’s great.
They also hooked me up to an IV. They put it in my hand where it’s harder to find veins, so she poked around my hand with a needle and it was so fun. Luckily my husband turned on the TV to distract me with Dr. Phil. A lady suspected her husband of cheating on her, and her square-headed husband was all “No I didn’t but I’m not taking a lie detector test.” And Dr. Phil was rubbing his chin with that thoughtful look that said “I am taking this seriously” before telling the man that he was stupid liar. And he said he wasn’t. And his wife said she just had to know for sure if he was cheating on her because the marriage was totally worth saving because they’d had two kids in three years and how exactly was this guy managing to run around on her? My husband didn’t get five seconds off – I knew exactly when he was due home from work and I was maniacal enough from a day with screaming infants and toddlers to chase him down if necessary.
Once all my prepping was done, and my doctor had finished patient number one for the day, and Dr. Phil had run off before they revealed the lie detector results, they rolled me into the operating room. I have to wonder – do these operations get to be as routine as working at McDonald’s? I can imagine them rolling patients in one by one with a little number and then sending them out the door for pick up. Also with poking four holes in you, and pulling things in and out of it, I can’t help but think of the Operation game. Wouldn’t it be funny if it really buzzed if a doctor didn’t get their tools out of the holes just right? Like on that commercial, only with real patients. I would film it. Anyway, they rolled me to the operating room and then I was waking up in a totally different room and off I went back to my temporary hospital room. And people came to visit me and I said “I feel GREAT.” cause I did, I really did feel great. And they were happy I was all better now. But what I didn’t realize was that the reason I was all better now was because I was HIGH. It makes a difference.
I asked my husband what happened, since I had so many questions. Like did they actually find the gallbladder, or did they just poke holes in me and say forget it? Did they find it all shriveled up and hiding behind the liver like the freeloader it was? Was it just in the wrong place? When you carry babies inside you, your organs shift all over the place – fun fact they never tell you till you get pregnant. So maybe it was way down with the kidneys? I asked him. He said the doctor just told him the surgery went well, and they’d see me in like three weeks. Say what? I love my husband but he’s not good with the big questions. Like why was my gallbladder missing before and where was it now exactly? Not like I wanted it in a specimen jar, but I do like to have answers.
They left me with four bloody incisions covered in what some kind if sticky saran wrap – the wrap made the blood spread out so it looked about 500 times bigger than it was. The bellybutton one was especially pretty, with a jagged line looking a bit too much like the Joker’s smile. And while this was supposed to be “minimally invasive” I think if you put my abdomen up against a gun shot victim’s, they’d look pretty similar.
When I got up to walk around I felt a bit nauseous. Don’t ever tell your doctor this. They assume it’s the pain meds and tell you not to take them, and then you aren’t high, and then you realize you have been seriously snookered. I only had seven of them anyway – that’s right seven – and no refills. Thanks drug addicts. They let me go that afternoon. That evening Thing One had her premiere in the high school musical “Crazy for You.” I missed the first one, but I saw the second performance a couple days later. More on that to come, as well as the mystery of where the heck my gallbladder went. I think my story would make a fantastic musical, with dancing doctors, organs, and surgical instruments. Or maybe I’m just high.
P.S. It’s been over a week since surgery. I’m feeling much better now. 🙂
In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read. Now we continue . . .
Bambi here. SNIFF. I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday. Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head. I mean heart. And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus. I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur. Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have. Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!
Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job. I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic. My boss is named Frank N Stein. He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me. Bitches.
But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email! Zomg it was Dick Head! I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride. Guess what? Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile! I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares? Yay me! I am on cloud ten.
But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.
Dick Head and I are back together! It was so romantical! First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible. I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it! You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!
After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance. He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha. He’s so sweet like that. At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham. Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.
I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded. Turns out they were vaginal bombs. I didn’t know they made those. He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me. I’m so confused. I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.
I am so upset! Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me. I’m so scared. I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her? I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.
I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday. Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs. I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”
At least I get to text Dick at work. He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth. Like this:
Dick: Wear r u?
Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!
Dick: B rite ther k?
I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness! She said “Hello Dahlink.” Zomg it was terrible! She was PRETTY! But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away. I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras. Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.
I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night! He was all twisted around me like a snake. Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.
He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again! I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick. He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.
But I had to go to work even on a Saturday! Like, so annoying! Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work. But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.
It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein. He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD. I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan. She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.
But when I got inside there was the Baroness again! Zomg she looked even hotter than before! Also she had a gun! She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away. So she could get him herself I bet! No way!
But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there! He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over. Turns out – she was a robot! From the future! I am just so confused. How did they make a robot so pretty?
I am so ANGUISHED again. Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me? I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend. Huh.
Frank N Stein was alone again! What were the chances? This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt. I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).
Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?
Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby
Bambi: K. Tivo pls?
Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull. It was far out. He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think. I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby. When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”
Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what? I am now the head vet! I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important. Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.
Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me! Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left. He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me! Zomg!
I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman. I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that. What to do? What to do?
Dick Head and I are, like, engaged! I am SO happy I could pee! He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either. He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha! I mean love!
Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?
Hi! My name is E.L. Ja . . . Bambi Vagina. I’m just your average stunningly beautiful 21-year-old college student in China studying to become a veterinarian. I’ve always loved kids, so it seemed like such a cute idea to cut them up! I live in this totally awesome apartment that is like better than anything you will ever live in so I don’t have to describe it. Think sandstone. There’s a lot of that. Bricks too.
My roommate is Kimberly Kardishipan and she is just so annoying cause like she lets me mooch off her but doesn’t appreciate it. Today I have to do some stupid interview thingy with this really hot rich guy cause she went and got sick. I told her not to eat Taco Bell. My life is so HARD.
I drove to his work in my car that is so hipster cause it’s old, right, but I love it cause I’m trendy and quirky. So this guy, his name is Richard Head, he’s really super rich and hot and works in this big building where he makes lots of money doing nothing. I think he’s like a congressman or something. Who cares? He’s hot. Remember that.
So I got to his work and there was this big sign that said Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire and I was super impressed and you should be too. There was sandstone here too. Sandstone is big in China. He had secretaries that were blond which is kinda funny on Chinese people but whatever we’re talking about me here.
I walked into his office and “tripped” so that I showed my butt. This is a great way to meet guys. Kimberly Kardishipan gave me all these dumb questions to ask but he wanted to ask questions like where I lived and worked and my credit score and my social security number and my bra size and if I was into dungeons and being chained up and stuff. Then he offered me a job. This stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. Sigh.
I already have a job and they told me I had to come in if I want to get paid. Ugh. I work at a hardware store. Isn’t that quirky? A girl – in a hardware store? There’s like hammers here – I don’t get it. My life is SO HARD. Well, guess what you will never guess! Richard Head came to my workplace. How did he figure that out? He is super hot AND smart. ZOMG.
He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me. It’s such a pain. They should know I’m super busy sleeping with my professors, I mean, gawd. So he spoke all creepy to me which really makes my motor run – get it? I said motor, and I’m in a hardware store! He bought that totally normal stuff and left in his helicopter.
Mr Richard Head asked me out for coffee at this pub in China! It was a really trendy place and they spoke American which is so much easier than when they do that chitter chatter stuff. He said I should call him “Dick” cause everyone else does so I said he could call me Bambi cause that’s my name and people call me that. Then he saved me from a Kamakazi jet plane by staring at it really hard and making it explode. It was way cool. Those Kamakazis. They’re everywhere. Cause it’s China.
I figured he would kiss me then but he didn’t. So I got sadfaced and drunkfaced with Kimberly Kardashipan at this other pub in Chinatown. My friend I string along pawed at me and Dick popped up. Dick Head, you guys. He was SO MAD that I went out with friends and got drunkies! Oh, oh.
I woke up this morning in Dick Head’s bed in his way big fancy super special dream house and he gave me Advil which only hot rich people take. And orange juice he squeezed with his own thighs. He is AMAZING but what does he see in sexy, gorgeous me?
I learned so much. Like that Dick is really Batman. I believe him cause he totally has his own Bat Cave with whips and chains, just like the real Batman. He took my pants off but it’s okay cause it was for science, he said. Then he started talking about me signing a contract to be his total sex slave and I got all woozy cause wow business talk is so bo-ring. But I guess it’s hard to find a date when you’re solving crime at night.
He got the contract off the internet so it was legit enough for me. It asked me to promise my soul and sign in blood which was kinda weird but at least I didn’t have to find a pen and I wasn’t really using my soul anyhoo. Once that was all over with he said we could have the sex and I told him I was a virgin cause I am. I mean except for all the sex I had.
It was so hot! He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers! I zonked for a while and woke up and he was playing his xylophone and you guys – his cape hung “that way”. It was way hot.
Had lots of fun with Batman, shhh, I mean Dick Head. We scuba dived in his bathtub which is big as a swimming pool and has real sharks. I also gave him a BBJ (Bat Blow Job) and he was impressed since it was my first time and it was except for all those other times. He is so hot and sexy and hot and he’s a little bossy but I guess that comes from fighting crime. Also I learned that his mom was a crack ho and his dad was an emperor and they were both gunned down by this Joker guy in an alley one night. So sad. But then he had to go to work at his super important job.
He gave me stuff cause he’s so rich with all the money he got from his parents biting it and all. Like one gift was this strange thing he called a laptop, which I thought was a kind of dance but nope, it’s a computer! And it has this thing called email. Far out.
There was this graduation thing which was weird cause I’d totally forgotten I was going to school. But get this – it says on my diploma I can only cut up cats, not kids. Who knew?
Dick tells me I have to do everything he says cause he’s the Batman and the Batman knows best. Also if I leave he’ll have to kill me cause I know so much. Makes sense. Also, he needs practice for when he fights the bad guys, so sometimes I help him out with that by playing the bad guy. I stand there while he tests his super weapons like the bat flogger and the bat plug on me. It’s hot.
Guess what else? I think I might be a super hero too because I have all these other personalities. I think I’m gonna go with “Subconscious Goddess Twit” for a super hero name. What do you think?
I just realized Dick Head is not who he says he is. He’s not the Batman – he’s a super villain named The Riddler and wears this weird spandex outfit with punctuation marks all over it. But it’s okay, because he’s out of Arkham now and he’s just misunderstood and I’m sure with my love he will be totally reformed.
Tonight he’s having a party and inviting his friends over. This should be fun. I wonder if I should make some Chinese coffee or just order some Chinese food. Cause they make that here, you know.
That was NOT a fun party. Super villains are not very nice. They hung me from a rope over the pool with sharks while they ate their bean dip and laughed evilly. Then they smacked me with a bat like a piñata. Uncool. I decided I didn’t care if Dick is rich, I am so OVER him and his money and his hotness. I mean, that spandex, wow. No, no, I am better than this.
So I left him, I did, and then I cried and cried cause even though he’s a super villain, he’s really, really hot. Sigh.
Home stretch, peeps, home stretch. It’s like when you’re doing Yoga, and the nice lady tells you to just hold that awkward pose for a little bit longer. Just a little bit. And you fall over and Charlie Horse! Wait, no, we are going to hold the pose, guys. And I just lost track of my own metaphor.
Anyway, I asked two questions to my faithful and somewhat deranged readers. Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor? Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
In response there were Veggietale song lyrics about Ana’s vagina (the Veggietale / 50 Shades of Grey crossover sounds more promising all the time), mentions of Ana winning a medal by orgasming and queefing and giving the best BJs ever, and finally, several people pointed out that there could be no plot device in lieu of an actual plot. Good points, all.
I also received this disturbing information from purpleperceptions in my email. It made me faceplant on my desk. Repeatedly. Here it is:
No time for tears. Let’s get on with this incredible writing, shall we? So last we left Ana-dumkins, she was freaked out because Christipoo had been out with the “bitch troll” Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex that she does not obsess about constantly. Oh, she can forgive all the other stuff Christian does: the emotional abuse, the beatings, the way he makes her fear for her safety – but crap, he had a drink with his ex! That is unforgivable. So she “rocks to and fro” like baby, with “hot scalding tears” and I don’t give a shit.
When she’d done whining for a bit, she looks through Christian’s emails and finds one about crap related to the investigation into that guy who tried to rape and kidnap her. Ana thinks, meh, and goes back to bitching to herself about the ex. You know how some people sleep on the couch when they’re mad? Well, Ana locks herself in the playroom where Christian beats her, and goes right to sleep. Yeah.
So the next morning, Ana comes out and has this argument with Christian, or rather, she mostly ignores the asshole. Wait, what was that – a – a – spine? No way. She purposely takes off her clothes in front of him, does this twisted strip tease thing, and okay, maybe a spine, but a stupid one, wtf. She actually says stuff that makes sense, like that she “chose a defenseless baby” over her “spineless” husband. Hey, way to go, Ana! Those are some awesome last words there!
Ana goes on about how hot she looks, blah blah and Christian notices and starts to make a move. She tells him she’ll scream if he comes closer, he says no one will hear her (gawds this is so romantic) and she asks if he’s trying to frighten her. Christian is dumbfounded. Dur, that makes you scared when I say stuffs like that? Yet Ana thinks that if he touches her, she will surely succumb to his “sexpertise” but since she doesn’t, she clearly “deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor”. You know who really deserves that medal, Ana? The readers, that’s who.
Ugh, Ana goes to work and colors some pictures and sees her Dad who tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and then sees Mrs. Jones who also tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and if you believe, just believe, then Christian will become a fairy princess! Ana gets an email from Christipoo, but it doesn’t have cutesy flirty and oh nooos! Then she gets a call from Mia, but eh oh, it’s not the chirpy Cocker Spaniel, it’s . . . dun dun dun . . . Jack Hyde! End chapter.
Since I know you can’t stand the suspense, we’ll go right into Chapter 22. Jack informs the “prick-teasing, gold-digging whore” Ana that he has kidnapped that “little bitch” Mia. You have to love the cute nicknames they give the women in these books. In case you’ve forgotten (I’ve tried) Mia is Christian’s irritating, chirpy little sister. He tells Ana to get 5 million dollars to him but not to tell Christian or his security team or the cops (pfft, like anyone goes to the cops in these books?) Ana, brilliant girl that she is, agrees to his demands.
This sounds familiar. I have images of a dance studio, and another stupid skinny chick being tossed into mirrors because she went to rescue someone without the help of those more powerful. Could it be . . . nah, this is a COMPLETELY original book, you guys.
Jack says he’ll “fuck Mia up” before he kills her and I’m wondering if he means beat her or rape her or just insult her because fuck is used so often in this book I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore. Ana tells her secretary she has to leave early, again, as if this is a big thing. She hasn’t done a damn thing since she took the job but email, leave early, and yammer with Christian and his ex-girlfriends.
She finds Leila’s loaded gun that Christian tossed in the drawer and thinks “Jeez, he could get hurt” and I’m thinking if only. There’s a bunch of wacky hijinks with Ana tricking the security team and peeling out in her car (she gets to drive!) on her way to the bank (which is sleek, modern, and understated by the way). She asks the teller for 5 million and the teller (named Ms. Insincere Smile) immediately hops to when she hears that Ana is Christian’s wife. OMG a celebrity! Being married to Christian makes her even cooler than that Kardashian chick.
But eh oh, the teller guy calls Christian just because some strange chick claiming to be his wife wants to take out 5 million. I mean, jeez. Christian assumes she must be leaving him (like she’s that intelligent) and Ana goes with it since she doesn’t want Christipoo to interfere while she rescues the Cocker Spaniel, er, his sister. He tells her to take all the money and Ana wonders why oh why was she so upset just because he beat her and hung her up on the ceiling and constantly berated her for breathing funny?
Ana starts “weeping copiously” and the teller asks if he can get her some water (again with the water) and Ana says sure. Not like she’s on a deadline or anything. She feels the reassuring pistol at her waist and wait a freaking second – she’s in a bank and they didn’t even . . . nevermind. Jack informs her that there’s a getaway car in the back of the bank (the Dodge! I hope it is painted up like the Joker’s car. That would be perfect.)
It’s not the Joker in the car, but Elizabeth from the office (she was, like Jack’s boss, I think? I don’t care). They meet up with Jack at an abandoned playground (what no dance studio?) and suddenly we really are in a Batman episode. Jack slaps Ana (WHAP!), she bounces onto the concrete (BANG!) and then he kicks her in the ribs (KAPOW!) Ana remembers the gun and shoots him in the knee (PING!) and then passes out (WONK!) Chapter End.
Final Score: Pfft, screw the grading. I give it a -500 on the Batscale.
Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.
Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.
Okay! Moving on! 89 pages in! We’re covering chapters five and six, people! We can do this! I need a strong drink!
Last we left Ana and Christian, Ana had just tossed her cookies and passed out in Christian’s arms. Yay, romance! Ana wakes up in Christian’s bed. Zomg, Ana sees that she is missing her pants. Also her socks! Uh-oh. If we have missed the only sex scene this book has had so far, I’m going to be ticked.
We haven’t. Whew. Ana has orange juice and Advil. The orange juice is thirst-quenching and refreshing. No word about the Advil. Christian walks in wearing sweatpants that hang in that way. You know, that way. And he’s sweaty, which turns Ana on and then she feels like a two-year old. Christian explains to her phlegmatically (which I can only imagine involves lots of mucus) that he brought her to his hotel and took off her pants. But hey, he was honorable.
Ana snaps at him one second and then calls him a courtly knight the next. I think he should have slipped her some Lithium in place of the Advil. Christian explains that he is a dark knight. Oh, if only you were Batman, this story would be so much more interesting, Christian. Mr. so-not-as-cool-as-Batman gets all angry faced because he thinks Ana needs to eat more. Then he says he’d have spanked her if she had been his. His what? His child? Does Christian belong to the clean plate club?
Ana has an I Am Woman moment that lasts all of two seconds before her wacky subconscious shows up and does a happy dance in a hula skirt because the idea of being owned by someone is uber-sexy. Ana squirms with a needy, achy discomfort. Yeast infection? She tries to figure Christian out with her teeny tiny brain, but it’s been deprived of oxygen so much it comes up with an error message.
She has a shower scene in which she gets a little frisky with the body wash. When she comes out, she finds that Christian’s servant has brought her new clothes right down to the lacy underpants. How nice and not at all creepy. Christian commands her to sit and stay and throws Ana a piece of bacon when she obeys. Ana protests Christian buying her expensive things, like he’s trying to control her with money or some other crazy idea. Christian laughs at her and says he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants. OMG HE IS SO SEXY!
They have some not witty banter and other boring conversation for a few pages and then he tells her about how she has to fill out a contract to have sex with him. Hey, sign me up for that! Christian orders Ana to eat. Christian orders Ana to dry her hair. Christian brags about his helicopter. They get in the elevator and Christian has the urge to maul her. There is grunting and grinding until the elevator stops and some business men get on and Christian acts all cool like nothing happened except Ana mentioned that he had an erection so I’m thinking the other guys are probably going to notice the trouser tent.
Chapter Six begins and we are not done with this scene yet oh God just kill me now. Christian drives and plays music that smart people listen to and they talk about how smart it is and then Christian gets some phone calls on his steering wheel. He is totally borrowing the Batmobile, guys! They get to Ana’s apartment and her trampy friend Kate is all making out with Christian’s brother which is so not cool because it is not happening to Ana and Christian leaves and Kate asks if they DID IT and Ana says no and then Kate decides to makeover Ana for her date later with Christian in which they will discuss the sexy times paperwork.
Ana is sanded and prepped and goes to the hardware store and we have the first appearance of her inner goddess. How many voices are we up to now? If you include her regular narrative dialogue, that’s three. Christian picks up Ana and they talk and then they get in an elevator and then they get in the helicopter and Christian warns her not to touch anything because she is a total idiot and he straps her into her car seat and there’s a lot of helicopter doohickey talk for a dozen pages and they finally get to his home which is the size of Caesar’s Palace and they talk about how big everything is and it is such sexy innuendo you know because guess what else is big you will never guess!
And then comes what we’ve all been waiting for! That’s right, the paperwork! Well at least the nondisclosure agreement because who doesn’t sign one of those before sex? And then he tells Ana that he doesn’t “make love” he “fucks hard” and Ana thinks that holy shit that sounds hot and no I did not make up that line it’s in the book.
Speaking of pain, he opens the door to his “playroom” and I get the idea that this is not Pee Wee’s playhouse. Ana advances from Holy Cow to Holy Fuck and the chapter ends. Another cliffhanger! What could be in Christian’s playroom? Are there clowns? Because if there are clowns, I am NOT finishing this book, people. I have to draw the line somewhere.
“What able, cell phone-tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t? Why won’t he kiss me again?”(Ch6p.77)
One of these things is not like the other, Ana.