You are probably all wondering, “Hey, Alice, didn’t we just have these debates?” and I will answer “Yes, because this is groundhog year.” At least we have made progress in that . . . 0 candidates have dropped out, in spite of no one knowing or caring who most of these people are, and that includes, in the case of John Delaney, their own staff. Seriously, Delaney’s staff said, “Dude, drop out, you’re embarrassing us,” and Delaney was like “Naw, it’ll be fine.”
I will admit that I thought it was Bill Deblasio’s team who told him to drop out, but Thing One said it was Delaney, so yeah I couldn’t even remember which one’s team had less faith in them, but I’m gonna hazard a guess that most of their people are already tired of the free sucky campaign trail food and just want to go home, and this mess just started. I know I’m tired, and I’m not even campaigning. As far as I know.
I also goofed on the picture I posted with the last debate report by using a picture from the first debate part one instead of the first debate part two, but luckily no one else noticed that these were 10 different people either, or at least no one bothered to point it out to me. Which is why I have this little message for most of our contenders, and I will try to be gentle.
DROP OUT NOW, EVEN YOUR MOM WON’T VOTE FOR YOU, LOSER.
Okay, that out of the way, I should get to the actual debate. They mixed it up a little, putting Bernie in a different group so that he could smack someone besides Biden this time. Last night’s Jeopardy stage had Bernie “I have one volume” Sanders, Mayor Pete “Yes I’m over 18” Buttigieg, Elizabeth “Did I mention the free stuff?” Warren, Beto “Did you hear my Spanish?” O’Rourke, that self-help hippy lady, the dude whose people said drop out, and those other guys.
Since we don’t have regular cable, my Things and I struggled to find the actual live debate on Youtube, since it was littered with tons of before-game footage that no one watched of individual candidates, people talking about those candidates, and people talking about the people talking about the candidates. Our server also ran super slow from the mothers of the candidates watching the same debate cause someone had to do it. My friend Ravin sent me a wave of texts from the CNN live stream keeping me up to date while Thing Two, our computer expert, pressed buttons and shouted at Youtube. Ravin’s assessment below:
Sanders, Warren, Amy Klobachar, and bunch more white people.
Who let Marianne off the island, and why does a New Age self help guru have enough support to waste oxygen on the debate stage?
John Delaney – he’s bald but doesn’t make it look good like Booker does.
Tim Ryan: “It’s all bad.”
Hickeyloopery was unemployed for two years. So hire him for President!
Amy: I am from the Midwest!
Beto, my favorite Texas politician. He might make a good VP.
The gay mayor: Just skip Gen X and vote for a Millennial! I’m also from the Midwest and cooler than that Amy person.
Warren just said “spinelessness.”
Bernie: I know the statistics. I will punch Trump.
Please, take my employer health care!
And Warren interrupted. Congrats, first one!
Warren: Stop using Republican talking points. Here is a sad anecdote.
Amy the Streetfighter from the Iron Range.
Tim Ryan: If we set a progressive platform, the Republicans will call us socialists. If we set a moderate platform and use Republican talking points, they will call us socialists.
…Wait – that was Butiggieg.
Tim: You don’t know that Bernie.
Bernie: I do know, I wrote the damn bill!
“Thank you” from the moderator means “Shut up now.” Someone hit Amy with a clue stick!
Warren: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Boring Bald Guy: Boring is sensible. Boring is realistic. Boring can be big.
Moderator: Boring Amy, I dare you to piss off all your peers.
Boring Amy: No thank you.
Boring Bald Guy: Carbon capture.
Props to Beto for setting foot in Tucumcari.
Mayor Pete: Nominate me and Trump will look like a total jackass on the podium next to me at the debates.
Marianne: Uses the term “dark psychic energy” and still sounds like a better choice than Trump. Also adds, “40 acres and a mule for every freed slave is trillions of dollars in today’s dollars.”
Boring not bald guy: I can take a whole minute to say “Maybe.”
Gay Mayor: Quotes Bible to shame Christian conservatives in the Senate for blocking the raise in minimum wage.
Uncool Amy: Screw English majors. (I paraphrase)
News flash Elizabeth Warren: We already were the first country to use a nuclear weapon.
Ravin’s overall opinion: I officially like Pete Buttigieg best of tonight’s crowd. I think he will make it to the next level in the Game of Delegates along with Warren and Sanders. The others are doomed. Also, you should reprise your Hunger Games: Presidential Debate Edition on the blog.
Last election, I didn’t do Hunger Games, that was another thing with the Disney princess dolls – keep up, Ravin. I did have Queen Elsa run against Hans last time with a lot of the campaign done via fake Facebook chat, which seemed silly at the time but in hindsight was some sort of premonition about our first President Twitter. I don’t think I could get anymore ridiculous than what’s actually happening, but I’m certainly willing to give it the old English major try (thanks, Amy!)
Anyhoo, I liked Ravin’s summary enough to steal it and use it as my own post, but unlike Melania, I did give credit. Granted, most people could have come up with my pal’s overall assessment without the debate, but some people (cough 90 percent of the candidates) really, really need an intervention with the American public and a stun gun. Thanks to all these guys clogging the debate, whenever a candidate started to make sense, suggest an actual policy, or try to finish a sentence, the moderator told them to shut up by saying “Thank you!” Because our possible Future Leader of the Free World should be given as much time as Ms. America to solve world peace.
Stay tuned tonight for part two of part two and yeah we need to get this down to ten people AT MINIMUM cause I’m confusing myself. Tonight’s debate will feature front runner and Crest toothpaste sponsor Joe “No more Mr.
Sadface Nice Guy What Do You Mean I’m with Kamala again?” Biden, Kamala “Take a bite outta Joe” Harris, the Hispanic guy, the black bald guy, the Asian guy with the oopsie broken mike, those other two women, and the other old white guys. I’d have said more, but CNN only offered me their faces, and like I can remember that many names.
Seriously, how many of them can you name? A free sparkle pony to whoever can get five or more! Stay tuned!
Yippee Ki-yay, it’s time for round two of the Democratic debate. Now last time Trump dared to tweet that the debate was boring, which is just unreal cause Democrats are super exciting! Watch as Trump commits horrible, treasonous acts and the Democrats do . . . absolutely nothing about it! Granted compared to the Republicans whose main tasks lately have been keeping Trump from going through with these acts by regulating his schedule like a toddler’s, taking papers from his desk without him noticing, and praising him for righting what he just screwed up, I guess they are rather dull.
But the second debate was different! We got another ten candidates on the Jeopardy stage, but this time they included a couple of people that some Americans probably knew about like Bernie “Wild Hands” Sanders and “Sleepy Joe” Biden. Also there were a few women and more white guys.
Now for the line-up.
Sen. Berrrrrrrnieeee Saaaanders! (crowd of crazed Bernie fans cheer!)
Joooooe Biiiiden! (He was our Vice President for eight years. No, really.)
Mayor Peeeeete Buttigiegggg! (The overqualified gay guy with unpronounceable name!)
Sen. Kaaamalaaaa Harris! (A women and Indian and Black! Democratic jackpot!)
Former Gov. Jooooohhhhn Hickenlooper! (I didn’t make up that name!)
Sen. Kirrrrsten Gillibraaaand! (Some blond chick!)
Sen. Miiiichael Beeennnett! (One of those guys on the postage stamp I assume!)
Rep. Errrrric Swaaaalwell! (Was probably there too!)
Aaaandrewww Laaang! (Spoke one entire time I think!) and finally . . .
Maaariaaanne Wiiiiiillliamsoooon! (Self-help author you’ve never heard of! Really!)
It goes without saying that I had to look most of these people up and then count twice to make sure I didn’t miss one of them. Anyhoo, good old Joe Biden came in as the front runner, complete with a “Kick Me” sign on his back. Bernie Sanders stood beside him, wildly swinging his hands and avoiding spit and a possible shank from Kamala Harris as she and Biden battled it out. At first Biden came in swinging, wisely denying he ever did anything wrong EVER even when presented with a golden opportunity for redemption (I can see why he’s our frontrunner!), but after a while he just hung his head in resignation for the rest of the Democrat dogpile.
Here’s a quick play-by-play for our viewing audience!
Moderator: I can’t believe I drew the short straw AGAIN! Okay, you’ll all get 60 seconds to explain how you will solve every world problem ever! First we’ll talk about . . .
Swalwell: Can I talk?
Moderator: Wait, who are you again?
Swalwell: I’m Eric, gawd! Okay, Biden is SO OLD, so he needs to hand off the torch to young guys! Like me! I look about ten years younger!
Biden: Oh, you can take that torch off my dead body! (grins blindingly)
Swalwell: So what, in a few months?
Kamala Harris: Let’s not have a food fight here! At least not until I get to take a few bites out of Biden!
Moderator: Let’s talk racism! Hola, Pete, donde esta el bano?
Pete B.: Hablo Espanol y seis otra languages! El suck it!
Harris: Pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about race seeing as how I’m the only black person.
Moderator: Yikes. Remember to not keep it to 60 seconds!
Harris: Hey, Joe, wtf with not being okay with busing for desegregation back in the 70’s. Btw, I was one of the kids on the bus, dufus, so here’s your chance on a golden platter to admit a mistake.
Biden: I did not say no to busing, I said no to something having to do with someone else saying no to busing, so it wasn’t me, it was that other guy in this other position that wasn’t mine so I am totally right and you’re wrong.
Harris: WTF, no, you were like so obviously wrong . . .
Biden: Was not!
Harris: Yes you were I have all these facts . . .
Biden: I can’t heeeeaaar you!
Harris: I’m gonna climb over Bernie and put my fist in your . . .
Moderator: Moving on . . . let’s get a new topic . . .
Kirsten Gillibrand: I can talk on any topic and I will, cause I know a lot of stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it. I have, like, so many experiences, and you just don’t even know what I’ve gone through being an attractive white woman . . .
Harris: Bitch, please.
Moderator: How are you guys going to get your policies past Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell?
Biden: I’m planning on taking him out behind the shed.
Moderator: Works for me! What’s the first thing you’ll accomplish?
Sanders: (waves hands wildly, smacking Biden on the shoulder – this happened) I – will – create – an American – revolution! I – right here – will guarantee each and – every – rutabaga – a free education! I – will – give healthcare! I will call on the many faced God to – destroy our enemies!
Moderator: Bernie, are you high?
Sanders: Every – man – and woman – should have a chance to smoke weed – or do mushrooms – as a human right!
Moderator: Okey dokey. How will you all stop gun violence in 60 seconds?
Swalwell: Everyone can keep their guns! Except the bad guys! Wait, am I a Republican?
Moderator: I still have no idea who you are. I’m going to have to turn off your mike like I did Yang’s.
Yang: (whisper whisper whisper) Hey no fair . . .
Marianne Williamson: On my authority as a self-help author, I say we need to use the power of LOVE and crystals and possibly acupuncture.
Harris: Why is she even here?
Moderator: She slipped past security. John Hickenlooper, what’s with your name?
Hickenlooper: I am part looper and part hick, and proud. At least you can pronounce it, I mean we gonna call the gay guy President Pete?
Buttigieg: It beats President Hickenpooper.
Moderator: Let’s talk religion. Gay guy, what do you think of Republicans always spouting religion? Not asking you in particular for any specific reason of course.
Buttigieg: Pretty sure Jesus cared more about feeding poor people than condemning gays, but he only mentions the poor in the Bible about 50 million times, so what do I know?
Moderator: How about the border? Since you all love Spanish, I’m assuming you’re all for decriminalizing illegal border crossings?
(all raise their hands except Micheal Bennet)
Michael Bennet: Wait, did I miss something?
Moderator: Just the debate. Everyone may now proceed to leap onto Biden and rip him to pieces.
(all do so until Biden looks very, very sadfaced)
Moderator: Darn the luck, looks like this debate is over! (look of relief from Biden) Everyone go home and please rethink your life choices.
So there you are, that’s just how it happened, or how I remember it anyway, which is good enough since most of these people will disappear back into the ether by the next round, God help us all.
Your raving reporter Alice again signing off, adios!
I’m out for a while, guys, away from Facebook news and stuff gets like, crazy crazy. Droopy Dog Cruz just drops out, ka-poof, like he was tired of people (like fellow senators) saying he was the devil or something. And apparently Kasich dropped out too, though no one really noticed, just like they didn’t really notice he was running. And for like two days I didn’t even know this. My mother told me, and we don’t even talk all that often (Happy Mother’s Day Mom and Ted!).
Even weirder, there’s not even that much about it on Facebook, the place I get all my liberally biased news. That’s right, Facebook suppresses conservative news too! (I tried to find the Gizmodo article, but only got this article by the same guys about painting a room by blowing up paint.) I think it must be true, though, cause Facebook news says Tylenol can make you emphasize less with people, which must be why I don’t care about a lot of really stupid people. Frequent headaches and all. Anyway, so we are left with . . .
No one quite knows what to do with this. Oh, sure, comedians can laugh about it, but there’s this little edge to their laughter like ha ha Trump might be our president it’s hilarious and hahahahaha . . . ha . . . cough . . . choke.
So we’re left with Hillary and Bernie still duking it out because even though Bernie doesn’t stand much of a chance now, unlike Cruz, he’s just not going to leave Hillary alone until he absolutely has to because where would the fun in that be, huh? Meanwhile, Facebook does bother to announce that, hello, Trump just won – uh what was that latest state – he won one, guys, and I am totally surprised what with him being the only one running. Why are they bothering to announce this? Is it actually possible for someone to be the only candidate and still lose? I mean saying he’s not a Democrat running in Texas?
These days? Anything is possible. ANYTHING.
One might think this is good for Democrats. The problem is, if Hillary wins, there are many Bernie supporters who claim “Bernie or Bust” which is quite true because if they don’t vote for Hillary, they will, in fact, be voting for Trump, meaning “bust” big time. Ka-boom. I will write this out slowwwwly for people who are still uncertain about our two party system. If you don’t vote for the candidate picked, even if you don’t like this candidate, you are, in effect, voting for the other party. So then you just have to decide. Hillary or Trump?
I think I lost some people there. Come back, Canada is closing the gates!
This whole thing makes as much sense as that old song about cake getting wet. You know “Someone left my cake out by the ocean” . . . wait, no that’s the new song with one of those Jonas brothers about . . . it’s totally just about eating cake by the ocean young Disney Channel viewers. It’s edgy though, cause he says like bad words, and talks about cake. Cake that is bound to get wet. And you know what happens then. I don’t think that I can take it. Cause it took so long to bake it. And we are never having that recipe again.
Oh nooooooooooo! Ohhhhhhh nooooooo!
Did you see those metaphors just come flyin’ at you there? I did. They didn’t make any sense, just like this election, so it’s like we just took a perfectly good cake, left it out in the rain, on the beach, near a Jonas brother and a bunch of girls in bikinis, and now Trump may be President of the United States. Actions have consequences, people. Jonas brothers, ruined cake, Oompa Loompa politicians, people moving in mass to Canada where they probably don’t even have cake or oceans, I don’t know, and someone just “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over”. When I’m wiser and I’m sober.
Till then, let’s just eat cake and dance to stupid songs.
I hope you all had a great Easter weekend. I didn’t. I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day. Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day? Everything! Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid. Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand). Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.
Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance. Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today. If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump. So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office). Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention. I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).
Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump. It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President. Then it’s still funny, but a little sad. I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President. Pfft, of course he will.
As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous. Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side. Imagine waking up to that face. Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V. I feel a little ill.
Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?
Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?
Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).
Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?
Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?
I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern. I’m not the only one. Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech. You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not. Bernie commands wildlife, guys. It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect. Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”? I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans! Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time. Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video. Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.
Aw. Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused. Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat. I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him. I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester. Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year. This is one time I am not totally against this idea. Can you just imagine? It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties. Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.
So much excitement to come! Try to survive. And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.