Tag Archives: Biggest Loser

Scariest Exercise Videos: Jillian Michaels

Remember how earlier I mentioned that there were scary words in the titles of some exercise videos?  There’s a reason for this.  It’s because there are scary PEOPLE in these videos.  And I’m going to show you one of them right now.  First up, Jillian Michaels of Biggest Loser.  She’s a real peach.  Check out her pep talks here right after she gets through beating the crap out of a punching bag!

Inspiring quote from Jill: “I don’t care if you both die on this floor.  You better die looking good.”  Awww.  You just want to cuddle her up like a teddy bear full of rusty metal spikes and nitroglycerin!  Who wouldn’t want to work out with this . . . .lady?

Here’s a sample of one of her workouts.  It’s called “Last Chance Workout”.  You know, like last chance before she murders you.  Sounds like fun.  Check out how enthusiastic her victims students are!  Watch her threaten to jump through your television set like something from Poltergeist!

But wait, there’s more! I searched through several clips.  I have to tell you – I’m not sure I could watch an entire Jillian workout video.  Note I said “watch one”.  I’m not even talking about attempting to DO one of these workouts.  I read the Amazon reviews.  I read stuff like “knee replacement surgery”.  This does not surprise me.

Just the titles of her videos can strike fear into the hearts of man.  Here’s just a few of them:

30 Day Shred

Ripped in 30

Shred it – with weights

Extreme Shed and Shred

Why does she want to shred things?  Why???  I’d prefer the “non-shredding” variety, thanks.  Even Yoga isn’t safe from Jillian.  She has one called “Yoga Meltdown”.  As in Chernobyl.  I thought Yoga was relaxing, not nuclear.

One final video clip.  This one’s from her “Kickbox Fastfix” and it makes me tired just watching it and wincing.  Wincing burns  .05 calories each time – I know because there’s a workout just for your face.  One of my readers told me.  Anyway, here goes kickboxing:

First off, you have to love how they jump without jump ropes.  Why?  Jump ropes are pretty cheap exercise equipment.  Without them you look kinda stupid.  Especially if you have the manic expression of that blond chick.  Then we go into the jab, up, kick, jab, up, kick, fall down, cry (I added those last two, because I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be doing at that point).  She says to “visualize your target”.  Who would that be?  Did someone piss her off at Target?

I think maybe her class pissed her off, because by the end of the clip she has them flinging themselves up and down in some kind of psychotic full body situps, that then progress into donkey kicks.  I think she’s just trying to see what she can get them to do.  Whatever you do, do NOT look into her eyes.

Are there any other exercise gurus that scare the crap out of you?  Won’t you tell me in the comments below?