I’ve researched a lot of different workout programs.  That’s what I do.  Obsessively research.  Everything.  It’s a handy disorder for library work, but not much else.  Last time I let you know that I’d narrowed it down to Yoga.  Then I figured something out.  There are eleventy-billion versions of Yoga.

The first time I experienced something like this was when I started learning about penguins.  Thing Two has been crazy about those wacky birds since she was two years old.  There are like 17 different species of penguin.  Of penguin.  I mean, seriously?  Yes.  They range in size from about a foot to four feet (the well known emperor penguin).  I bet you didn’t think you’d get penguin facts in a yoga post.  That’s just the kind of extra oomph I offer you in my blog.

These Emperors are pretty bad-ass, penguin wise.

Anyway, so I’ve checked out lots of yoga books and videos.  And I’ve bought some too.  Also yoga accessories.  You can buy lots of yoga crap as it turns out.  I’m all into that.  If you’re going to go into something, go all the way I say.    That’s why I paid money for a cushy yoga mat and two foam blocks.  For my HEALTH people.  There are tons of other products I can waste my money on invest in if I choose.  More on that in a later post.

First I have to tell you about the different kinds of Yoga.  According to the women’s health site there’s Anusura, Ashtanga, Bikram, Hatha, Lyengar, Kundalini, Restorative, Power, Furby, Tatooine, Hokey Pokey, and more!  I might have made the last three types up.  Bikram is yoga that you do in a room turned up to 150 degrees.  That way your body becomes like Plastic Man’s and you can do all sorts of poses.  Also you can see all sorts of colors as you dehydrate out all your brain cells.

I’m thinking that’s not my type.  I don’t like sweating.  Power Yoga was also quickly eliminated.  Power Yoga is basically the Western way of screwing up an Eastern tradition.  Someone said, hey, let’s take the worst parts of Yoga, stretching people’s bodies to the limit, rip out all the relaxing, spiritual parts, add in a lot of aerobic crap and market it to Type A Americans.  That’s why Jillian Michaels has a Yoga video.  Jillian.  She is not what I associate with inner peace.  More like extreme horror.

Get thee behind me!!!

Hatha seems to be the most common type, at least in my area.  It’s fairly basic.  There’s stretching and meditation, but no chanting and chakra stuff.  That works for me.  I also like Restorative yoga, which is great for stress relief.  You lay on pillows and breathe.  I’m all for laying on pillows and breathing.  In fact, I rather consider myself an expert at that.  I might open a studio soon.

I did learn about one other type of Yoga in detail.  I got a book from the library on Kandalini Yoga.  It was a nice, pleasant book with soft, relaxing colors.  Sure she mentioned lining up your chakras and chanting om and stuff, but eh, no matter.  It looked okay.  So when I saw a video of this type of Yoga at the library, I thought why not?

Oh, my peeps, there were so, so, so, SO MANY reasons why not.

First off, I should have taken a clue from just looking at the cover of the video.  It was called “Fat Free Yoga” which is a rather odd title.  Are they saying no fat people should do this?  Or that they have somehow removed the fat out of the yoga routine?  Is this a diet Yoga video?

The girl on the cover looked like a recent graduate of a hippie concentration camp.   As you can see in the picture, she sits in front of a purple swirling rainbow vortex of some sort.  The cover mentions something about a Matrix menu.  Trust me, the Matrix is not just in the video menu.

Far out, eh?

I took it home and popped it in the machine.  The Things decided to help me review this video.  Pretty soon they are going to run from the room as soon as I turn on the television.  In the beginning, we zoom into a white room with a woman sitting on a shaggy, round pink bath rug type thing centered in the middle of flower petals.  Normally you hear gentle, non-distracting music in the background, but here we’ve got some Indian tune.  I actually like Indian music, usually, but somehow this theme makes me think of those old 60s videos with people smoking pot and yammering about the universe.

She says nothing in the video, but there is a disembodied voice that speaks to you, and it’s not at all creepy.  It’s also, interestingly, a male voice, which gives you the vibe of some guy peeking in her window and reporting his observations.  A guy who first smoked a little crack.

Our bony little Yogi is wearing dog eared ponytails that I normally don’t see on people over twelve, and a little spandex outfit that’s way too small for her.  Maybe she borrowed the outfit and the ponytail holders from her little sister.  She also made the mistake of tanning herself a Cheeto orange and not investing in a bra.  Let’s just say it was clearly a little cool in the room.

She starts out cross legged, looking somewhat normal.  This is the last time she does this.  Soon she opens her mouth and starts chanting oma lama ding dong or something to that effect, punctuated by Lamaze style huffing and puffing.  I half expected her to give birth to a pea sized baby.  At one point, she began panting like a dog.  The Things crowded in closer.  “I’m scared, Mommy,” reported Thing Two.

WTF????

But this was only the beginning.  After the breathing, chanting stuff, she starts to shake her head back and forth.  And not gently either, we’re talking whiplash inducing whipping of the head, back and forth, until you half expect the head to go flying off her neck.  Soon you start hoping this happens.  After the head shaking, she goes back to the huffy breathing and chanting.  Then just when she’s calmed down, she hops up and starts swinging around some more.  I sat, fascinated.  I’d never seen anything so incredibly bizarre before.

It’s really indescribable, which is why I encourage you to check it out.  I included a clip here from youtube, but it doesn’t even scratch the surface of the insanity.  Suffice it to say, if that’s Kandalini Yoga, I think I’m sticking to the basics.  More on my adventures in Yogaland later.  Now I leave you with the spookiest Yoga chick on the planet.   Enjoy.