Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
Ever heard Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? I love how he was able to take a history book and just fling a bunch of historical events together and make them rhyme and sound cool. He started with his birth year and ended up in the 80s I believe. So I thought I might do the same thing, only starting with my birth year and not rhyming or sounding very cool. I found my facts on this website www.thepeoplehistory.com.
I’m sure it’s at least as accurate as Wikipedia. Away we go!
Stuff that happened –
I was born. And there was rejoicing. Especially from my mother who was glad to no longer be pregnant. My brother was so happy he kept the toys he got for me and knocked over my bassinet.
Apple Computer Company started. My family would get the totally hip Apple IIc when I was in grade school. I played a game on it called King’s Quest that took 8 floppy disks. You had to turn the disk every time your little guy walked from one screen to another. I loved that stupid game.
A panel warned that CFCs from aerosol cans can damage the Ozone layer. Americans said “Pfft.”
The U.S. celebrates the 200th anniversary of independence from Britain. Interestingly, Britain celebrates the same thing.
Stuff happens in other countries, like earthquakes that kill a few hundred thousand people. The U.S. was busy introducing the two-dollar bill and punk rock.
I turned four. My brother suggested a Psych evaluation on account of my new invisible friend.
Ronald Reagan was elected. He would go down in history as the GOP’s personal Jesus.
Pac-Man arcade game is released, creating the dreaded “Pac-Man Fever” which killed the brain cells of thousands of kids worldwide.
Someone shot J.R.
John Lennon (actual person) was shot and killed. Jessica Simpson was born, though, bringing balance back to the Force.
Stuff happens in other countries like wars, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks. The U.S. invents the Post-It note.
I turn eight. We get to vote in our Weekly Reader. I randomly circle the guy my friend circles. Many people continue to vote like this into adulthood.
My parents decide the best gift ever for my brother and me are Sony Walkmans (with tape decks) because we shut the hell up on long car trips.
Ronald Reagan is re-elected. 70 US banks fail. Trickle-down economics at work?
Actual music is played on MTV.
Wham! is a popular band. Their “Wake me up before you go-go” really spoke to me.
Stuff happened in other countries like famine, explosions, and the USSR boycotting us right back on the Olympics so there! Or possibly the Russians just didn’t want to go to Los Angeles.
I turn 12. Hormones commence their dirty work.
U.S. Shuttle program resumes 2.5 years after Challenger disaster. Maybe they’ve forgotten about that incident, thinks NASA.
The new drug Crack appears in U.S. cities. No one say we can’t invent stuff.
George Bush Sr is elected, but fortunately Prozac is developed the same year.
1/3 of Yellowstone National Park is destroyed by fire. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo forced to relocate.
The first major computer virus infects computers connected to that promising new Internet.
Stuff happened in other countries like more wars, terrorist attacks, and various natural disasters that kill millions. The U.S. shoots down an Iranian passenger jet. Whoops.
I turn 18. I leave that hive of scum and villainy, er, graduate high school and start college. I go to the local college and live with my parents, which seems like a good idea at the time.
Tonya Harding whacks Nancy Kerrigan in the kneecap and suddenly people care about ice skating.
O.J. Simpson flees police in his bronco in the slowest and stupidest car chase ever.
Republicans dig for dirt on President Bill Clinton (who after two years they have not accepted as president) and come up with the Whitewater scandal.
Stuff happens in other countries like war, outbreaks of the Ebola virus, and the building of the Channel tunnel between France and England which allows them to more easily insult each other. The U.S. genetically engineers a tomato!
I turn 22. I switch majors at the last second, start dating my future husband, graduate college, move, start grad school because they offer me a job as a TA, get married and move again. I take stuff slow.
Bill Clinton (who after 6 years Repubs still haven’t accepted as President) denies he had “sexual relations” with that intern. Republicans are so excited they nearly wet themselves. Politicians discuss whether BJs are sex or not as the World looks on at us in awe.
The U.S. has the first budget surplus in 30 years so naturally the president is impeached for not keeping it in his pants and telling big old fibs about it.
Tobacco companies get a big handslap cause it turns out sucking smoke into your lungs is bad for you after all.
Google is founded and people start doing all their research on the totally reliable Internet!
The FDA approves Viagra. President Clinton is elated.
Stuff happens in those other countries. Russia goes bankrupt, and the Japanese bail out a bunch of banks. This will never happen to the U.S. again because our money comes from Jesus.
I turn 24. Thing One is born. My husband and I wait for her real parents to rescue her from our incompetence.
We have the dumbest election in history. The presidential race is not decided for over a month because Florida has pregnant chads and can’t figure out their own ballots. Bush Jr. is eventually declared the winner and I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with his brother being the governor of Florida.
Nasa says the hole in the Ozone layer over Antarctica has increased like 16 sq miles in just 12 months. Americans go “Pfft.”
The dot.com bubble bursts and lots of white collar geeks in Silicon Valley are no longer able to afford trillion dollar houses. Sadface.
Reality shows “Survivor” and “Big Brother” have their first seasons. It is the beginning of the end of real T.V.
Stuff happened in other countries. Mad Cow disease spreads throughout the European Union, and cellphone disease spreads worldwide. The US finally gives the Panama Canal back to, uh, Panama.
I turn 25. I had a one-year-old. Nothing else happened to me personally.
Two planes flew into the World Trade Center on September 11th, a day that would live in infamy partly because the news continues to talk about it constantly which I’m certain is great for the healing of the people who lost loved ones during the attack.
The U.S. (or rather President Bush Jr.) declares war on Iraq. Phones are tapped. No one dares not support the war in fear of being labeled a terrorist sympathizer. I am as frightened of my own government as I am of the terrorists.
The Dept of Homeland Security is organized, and Bush institutes the Patriot Act. Librarians become heroes. No, seriously. Librarians (both conservative and liberal) are asked to turn over their patron’s records (cause if you check out a terrorism book you must be one). Instead they dump the records, at their own risk, and continue to do so. HA. I love my profession.
Stuff happened in other countries. Like we declared war on one of them.
I turn 28. Stuff start to get normal again and settle down, so we have Thing Two.
Bush Jr. is re-elected. The rest of the world looks at us like we’re total morons, which apparently we are.
Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented 6th consecutive Tour de France. Nothin’ can stop him now!
Martha Stewart is convicted of a felony and five months in prison. She launches a new show about prison decorating.
First same sex marriage performed in Massachusetts. A plague of locusts happens in West Africa. COINCIDENCE?
Environmental protection laws dropped to allow more logging in US forests. Cause trees are highly overrated.
Stuff happens in other countries like this hurricane in Haiti but the big news is Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction! A BOOB was spotted!
I turn 32. I start my MLS degree online cause Librarian is listed as one of the fastest growing occupations. The recession, naturally, will hit in the middle of this, causing librarians to hold on to their jobs instead of retiring. Naturally.
Barack Obama is elected president to the great surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. He is the first African-American president in history and inherits the reigns of a bankrupt country that is hated by almost every major world power. Congrats, Barack!
Though McCain (the Repub candidate) lost the election, he introduced us all to Sarah Palin, the woman he chose as VP because, um, she was a woman. A brainless one. Who talks and talks and talks. And is still AROUND. I will never forgive John McCain for this. Neither will a lot of his party.
Republicans aren’t sore losers, they just suspect Obama shouldn’t be president cause he like is a Muslim terrorist non-citizen unpatriotic anti-Christ. All valid concerns.
Increasing oil prices cause inflation. Unemployment increases. Wheee!
Katy Perry kisses a girl and reportedly likes it.
Writers start expecting to get paid for their work on T.V. and go on strike. TV stations are like, pfft, who needs writers? More reality TV comin’ up!
Stuff happened in other countries but SERIOUSLY we were broke and had no entertainment. SUCKAGE!
Add it up. I arrive on WordPress. Ta-da! I gain “fame” by covering 50 Shades of Crap.
Barack Obama is re-elected to the surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. I experience relief on a scale I haven’t in ages, but am very respectful toward the losing side. Not really. This doesn’t happen often. I gloat like hell.
Wackos fear the world will end and stock up on the 3 foods most bought from Wal-Mart during emergencies (for realz): beer, peanut butter, and pop tarts.
The world doesn’t end. Surprise!
I’m about ready to give up on my blog. I toss a post up randomly. It is Freshly Pressed. WOOT.
Alice remains Alice.
When I wrote Chipper Cheatin’ Songs, I knew there were plenty I was leaving out. Thankfully, I have readers who help jog my gerbil memory. Another of these cheating lover songs with a strangely happy beat is “Christie Lee” by Billy Joel. Really, this one tops both Dion and Rick, possibly because Joel is singing this as if it was someone else who got messed around by Christie Lee. Thanks to James for bringing this one up.
In case you don’t know the story, Billy Joel was once married to Christie Brinkley, the model pushing 60 who still looks like she’s in her 30s possibly due to a contract with Satan. Anyway, while Billy is clearly a musical genius, if you’ve ever had a gander at him, he looks a lot like Kermit the Frog. So their romance was rather fairy tale like, even inspiring the song “Uptown Girl” where Billy actually picks up Christie at a mechanic’s shop all while singing doo-wop and dancing around in his coveralls. He never gets in trouble for screwing off at work, probably because the boss was also getting his motor revved by Christie. But that’s a happy song, and we’re looking at the Romance Gone Bad ones.
Now it starts out okay, as Billy tells us about a story about a saxophone playing man whose name he doesn’t remember (so he calls him “Joe”) and this girl named Christie Lee. As he says, Christie is a “nice piece of music with a rhythm all her own” and “she really dug his saxophone.” Now I might be wrong here, but I’m thinking maybe he’s not just talking about music. Anyway, things start going downhill pretty quickly, though the beat stays relentlessly jazzy.
Billy says “she didn’t need another lover / all she wanted was the sax.” Oh, hey, I think I get what you’re saying here, Billy. Or – um, maybe? He goes on to say “Yes the man had the power to perform / But Christie Lee was more than he knew how to handle / She didn’t need him as a man / all she wanted was the horn.” I’m not sure what to make of this. So, let’s just say, for giggles, he’s referring to the horn as his own personal, um, package. Are we saying Christie only wants his horn? As in for the “sax” or as a personal momento? Let’s hope it’s the sax.
Whatever it is, Christie Lee dumps poor Joe but he ends up okay, no worries. He takes up a new career and everything.
“They say that Joe became a wino / They say he always drinks alone / They say he stumbles like a blind man / They say he sold his saxophone.”
Okay, so I feel a little better now. He just sold the sax, she didn’t steal it. Wait. I’m getting my innuendos all mixed up here. Anyway, there’s a moral to this story. “The only time you hit the high notes / Is when you play the Christie Lee.” Uh hmm. Yes. I’ll just bet you hit a lot of high notes there, Billy, er, I mean, Joe. Of course, Joe.
Ironically, he came up with this song long before he and Christie divorced. I have to think he made the song up for Christie, since, well, that’s her name, and it’s even spelled the same. But what an odd song to write for your wife, there. Hey, honey, here’s a song about some chick that sleeps with guys for their, er, instruments. I wrote it for you! No wonder they divorced.
Anyway, so there’s one more Chipper Cheatin’ song down. No video for that one, but you can check out the song on youtube if you don’t mind staring at a Billy Joel album cover for three minutes.
Oh, but in case you were wondering about poor Dion, another reader, wordsurfer, let me know that he moved on. Boy did he move on. Like with every single girl in town. As he says, “Oh well, there’s Flo on my left and there’s Mary on my right / And Janie is the girl that I’ll be with tonight / And when she asks me, which one I love the best? / I tear open my shirt I got Rosie on my chest.” I’m guessing he has a tattoo of Rosie’s name on his chest, not Rosie herself clinging to his chest, though the song doesn’t make that totally clear. It doesn’t seem like the best idea to tattoo a girl’s name on you if you’re going to be going out with lots of girls, but oh well. Interestingly, they call him the “Wanderer” rather than the “Slut” because he’s a guy, see, and guys are cool when they sleep around, do ya dig?
Once again we’ve got Dion with his backup singers clappin’ and a snappin’ in the background, playing for an audience that looks like they were given a hefty dose of Valium in their drinks. Enjoy!