I look back over old posts and I remember. I remember when this blog was, well, not hugely popular, but popular enough. I had readers who commented with me, with each other, and made my posts far funnier with their input. When I read old posts, sometimes I surprise myself and laugh. I guess I was funnier then, or maybe I just had better ideas, or maybe, I know, maybe I just wrote more. You take a few months or a year or two here and there off and it’s like people just don’t wait around or something.
Though I think it was more than that. At some point, maybe I outstayed my welcome. I am frankly not sure what to do with myself anymore. I’m not hugely depressed anymore. I’m just – here. I haven’t worked outside the home in nearly two years. This blog kept me going through years of work that was so difficult to maintain along with anything else. My readers, my blog friends, kept me going.
This blog got noticed because I covered some of the worst books of all time, 50 Shades of Grey. But from there, other stories from my life came, “funny stories of angst”, as my counselor said. Sad Pony and Squirrel, stupid TLC coverage, Boppo the clown, a sparkle pony, some creature with a lightbulb for a butt, stories told with Disney princess dolls in the snow, making fun of Dragon Tales and earning the ire of its crazed fans, the murder of virtual people, and a little bit of politics. I was Alice, someone wittier and I don’t know, hipper than the real me. I’m not sure if anyone even uses “hip” anymore. Whatever.
I miss the old days though. Some bloggers I knew way back then are still out there, and they still come by here, and I am thankful for that. One or two decided they hated me. Others, I’m not sure. Maybe they got writer’s block and just stopped. Maybe they just got lives and drifted away. I’m not sure, but they aren’t here. I know people still read, or bots at least. Something. I know I don’t write enough, or often enough, but at times I wonder if that would even matter.
I wonder if I matter.
My girls, my Things, who have been such a part of this blog are growing up so fast. My eldest is starting college, and my youngest, my Thing Two, is a sophomore in high school. They were so little when I started. Before I know it, they will be ready to fly away. That is as it should be, and I hope I have prepared them. But I’m not sure I will be prepared to be left in the nest. Sure, I have my husband, Mr. Alice, but it’s not the same. They are my purpose. I am a mother. I’m not sure what else I am.
I want to be Alice. But I don’t think Wonderland will ever be what it was again. And I don’t know where else to go.
I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’m not sure if very many people have noticed, but I have, and there is a reason for it. Put out an APB for one sad pony and one squirrel possibly high on meth tainted nuts.
In case you don’t know much about these two (any first time people who somehow stumbled over here can find out more on my About page) these guys represent my depression and anxiety. Guess which one is which? I’ve been having issue with both of these little hairballs, and since I’m allergic to fur, I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to both of them as well. Some say they are just pictures, but believe me, they are a little too real.
These guys didn’t always represent my issues. Originally Sad Pony was just a funny meme I found somewhere that I tossed onto my page. I loved him so much I did this quite often. There is something about a pony that just looks this sad. I realize he probably isn’t really sad, he’s just tired, you know, typical pony burnout. But he sure looks pathetic in that picture. Added to the humor (my sense of humor is a little different, like me!) are the words “Sad Pony is Sad.” I find this dopey redundant sentence totally hilarious. But also fitting. Because even depressed, I can see humor everywhere. Sometimes, with enough distance, I can see how humorous some of my depressive thoughts can seem. Like Eeyore on steroids.
At some point, Sad Pony just became another character on my blog, just as he is a character in my life. I am not depression, and depression isn’t me. In this case, it’s a fat pony that just flops down on top of me and says “Take a break. Take 50.” It’s rather hard to get things done with this thing sitting on you. Forget the black dog. I have a Sad Pony, and ponies are heavy, especially when lethargic. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve never met a real pony – er beside this one who is REAL. Somewhere. I mean I have no idea who shot this picture. But I thank them.
But I’m not always just sad. I also have anxiety. And the best way I’ve figured out to describe anxiety is with a squirrel. Have you ever watched these guys before? Holy crap, it’s like some wire in their brain is being repeatedly shocked so that they have to dart from here to there and back again for no particular reason that I can tell. Maybe it’s because they are toward the bottom of the food chain, and don’t want to get eaten. The only time I’ve seen them remotely calm is on the college campus where I currently work, and that’s because college students are always – purposely or not – feeding the little suckers. They’d grown so unafraid that they will actually sit on your foot. The squirrels, not the students. These squirrels can never leave campus or they will be killed almost immediately.
Squirrel also started out as a picture I threw into posts partly because of the Disney movie “Up” where a dog is given the ability to speak and, not surprisingly, he has little to say and is often distracted. He can be in the middle of a sentence, spot a squirrel, and yell randomly “SQUIRREL!” That’s my anxiety in a nutshell (pun intended bwaha). I can be totally fine and then suddenly feel extreme panic. I am fearful of what most people are not, like say going to work. Sure they might not want to go to work, but their adrenaline doesn’t shoot up because they are going there. This anxiety would be considered normal if I worked in, say, an ER. But I work in a library. Rarely is my life in danger at a library, though we have had snakes, bats, spiders, wasps, and yes, once a squirrel invade. Also when people shoot up campuses, they often go for the library. I learned this is our Active Shooter Training at work. It really helped with my anxiety.
As you can see, these two fellows often interact. Depression makes me see anxiety as even more ridiculous, causing me to feel sad, then spiraling me into anxiety because oh no I’m sad again and how long will this last and then back to depression because come on, you have nothing to be afraid of, Alice. Well, except maybe the possibility of a Trump presidency. Then again, if we do get him, we probably won’t last long as a country because we will be bombed off the earth. Either by other countries or ourselves.
Comforting thoughts, there. Not really, but what is comforting is that I have this blog. And over the years, I’ve had others identify with these two, and even encourage the figments of my imagination. It’s great when other people willingly share in your delusions. And no matter how much that squirrel runs, no matter how much he distracts me, no matter how much he encourages me to scroll through the Internet all day long or do impulsive things, I have a support system. Same with Sad Pony. There is usually someone – like friends Lindy, Jody, my best blog friend Merbear and naturally my Things (among others) – to eventually help distract me from the distraction of that squirrel. There is usually someone who, while maybe unable to lift that pony, will lie down with me until he leaves.
So I’m having a lot of ups and downs. Meds really help with this, especially this last one that injected several of Squirrel’s best friends directly into my bloodstream, leaving me wanting to literally climb the walls and run out of my own skin. You are ready for anything to help you at that point, even a fat pony to sit on those squirrels. But I stopped that med, and I continue to hope for the future. For even the most sarcastic people have hope. I thank this blog, and my blog readers, for helping keep up that hope. I thank them for letting me be Alice.
P.S. As a little aside, I have started another blog about my dolls, titled appropriately Wonderland of Plastic. I only have an introduction and one review up so far (Wonderrrr Womaaaaaaaaaan!), but promise more to come. I discuss the dolls and history and since it’s me, Alice, of course I have snark. I’m not sure I can totally write without it. This is also where I’ll be moving my doll stories with the Things. We have more torture planned for our Disney princess housewives. Because there is life after the fairy tale.
It’s sort of been a tradition, except the years when it wasn’t, for me to take a look back at my posts from the year before and remember all the stuff that happened (or didn’t). I received the WordPress thingie that thoughtfully smashes your stats into a form letter every year, so I’ll start with that.
I have no idea why I got 324 views on December 10th. I’m not even sure if I posted something that day. Maybe the spambots were out in force on the 10th? My top post was written over two years ago, and continues to get comments. This is kind of cool – and a little unnerving at the same time, sort of like when I learned what my top search word was the year I covered 50 Shades (No more top search word, WordPress? Bummer!) Here is an example of a comment I received this year on the “I kill virtual people” post.
Next, WordPress pointed out my top 5 posts of the year, four of which were written before 2015. WordPress helpfully commented “Some of your most popular posts were written before 2015. Your writing has staying power!” – which is WordPress’s way of saying “No one read your blog this year.” I’m kidding, some of you read it, and I thank you all! Especially since in 365 days I only wrote 67 posts. I think 2015 was a rough blogging year for a lot of people, some of whom fell off the face of the blogosphere and got lives or something. Or maybe sometimes they had a fat pony sitting on them, as I did part of the year, or were dealing with the Sick, for which I have no representation. Except this.
For those of you who read and commented during that time, thanks, and know I always read my comments, even if they call me “evil rhymes-with-itch!”. Now back in time to 2015, the year I will continue to write on dates for the next three months.
I whine about cold weather, play with Frozen legos, discuss Sad Pony, and rejoice in cold weather, for it did giveth a snow day, which the Things and I used productively, as usual.
I ponder about the 50 Shades of Grey movie, and attempt to sarcastically express gratitude for 21 days for my group therapy (5 posts that month, so you can imagine how well that went). Mr. Sad Person blowing up Snow White got a good response, though.
I continue the gratitude thing by being grateful for mass consumerism in opening 12 blind boxes of Frozen plastic figurines with my kids, ruthlessly screw up grammar on National Grammar Day, gush about the new Cinderella movie (with Frozen short), review the love song Grenade!, and talk about all the crap we have in TEXAS and how it makes us better than everyone else.
I participate in Merbear’s Beatles contest (and lose), put up a tent in the desert of Depression, start covering hard-hitting Facebook News (example: Alyssa Milano’s stolen breast milk debacle!), and sing about mundane chores to Disney theme songs, because I could.
More posts playing with dolls, a horrific attempt to decipher the lyrics to “La Bamba” (turns out it is not about a bomb), and a Mother’s Day post with Disney princess dolls who all have dead moms.
I shop for frightening things on Ebay, celebrate the birthdays of my Things, and with them plan the Disney Hunger Games.
I conduct interviews for the Disney Hunger Games (yes interviews with dolls – what?), write a post praising Science Fiction (that does not involve J. J. Abrams), and another post discussing the history of the South (we don’t all wave Confederate flags).
More crazy Ebay finds (what is wrong with people?), a report on the breakup of two puppets, a post about cats, and the beginning of the Disney Hunger Games, with Merida’s triplet brothers axing Snow White. Yes, it’s other people with the problems!
Lots of fun this month! The seven dwarfs act disturbing at the mall, I advise how to cure Insomnia (never listen to me), create anti-memes, learn about how freaky people in the 1940s were, and report that more people die in selfie accidents than shark ones.
I ponder the meaning behind the song “Rain, Rain, Go Away”, introduce the “Diva Cup” (not what you think -probably), report on dogs shooting humans, get injected with radioactive dye, and dream about Jeb Bush. All in all an average month.
I find out my gallbladder is missing, have the missing gallbladder removed (see cartoon pictures!), see Thing One perform in a musical, record a Disney Thanksgiving with the Things, and plan for 25 days of hiding a stuffed snowman in December.
The Things and I start hiding Olaf in fun and disturbing new ways, I write a serious post about gun violence titled the same as another post about goofy Christmas songs from a year past (search carefully), Olaf is lost and goes on a rampage, Disney characters become political and post on Twitter and Facebook, I whine about being sick again, thoughtfully select Christmas gifts for the whole family (especially the gun toting family), sing about boar head, test if the War on Christmas is real (it totes is), put political candidates in a Hunger Games random generator (how politics should always be done!) and write this here post.
Whew. 2015 down. Bring on 2016. Just . . . slowly. I’m still catching up.
Happy New Year,
Just a little note to let you guys know I’m taking a break. I believe I have a little something known as BURNOUT. This is why I haven’t gotten to comments, and why I just decided to stop the song challenge. Also the song challenge was way too long. I already have some reviews of Game of Thrones done, so maybe I’ll post those? I dunno. I’m just all around TIRED – body and brain. Hope no one else is going through this, but if you are, got any tips? I can always reserve a seat in my handbasket for ya.
You’re so gross
You’re so ick
You make me sick
Hey, Creeper! Hey Creeper!
Oh, hello there. Just making up new lyrics to the most intellectual and highbrow of songs, “Hey Mickey.” Why? Because it is National Go Away Creeper Day. You didn’t know this? Well, mark it down. And prepare your gifs.
In case any of you are wondering if you’re creepers, you probably aren’t. Creepers don’t realize they creep. Sometimes they leave mean comments. Sometimes they steal your ideas and use them on their blogs. Sometimes they just . . . keep . . . showing up. And say odd things that really can’t be responded to because . . . dude is nuts. And on WordPress, there’s just really no sure way to shake them off your leg.
The only real creeper I’ve ever had was the (Liiiink Drop!) Dragon Tales guy. And all his friends. Unless it really is just one person giving me all those hits looking up various versions of the words “dragon tales”. And reading that post I wrote reviewing the show over and over and over and over. I’m not sure which is worse. One person having enough time to be that deranged on his own, or one person leading an army of whacked out minions.
But I’ve had friends who have experienced Creeper-ness. I‘ve written about this before, (Link Drop #2!) but it’s Friday, I have no ideas, and yeah friends are still being bothered by these guys. So I’m getting to a point where I think I’m really gonna start sending out my Anti-Awards, of which this is a favorite.
Are you tired of creepers? Yeah? I can’t hear you! I still can’t hear you cause you’re typing from far away! Anyhoo, if you hate creepers, you can put the creeper sign (either one) on your blog to show your support against creepers. Or not. You know, if you’re a creeper. Or something.
On this special day, do any of you have stories about how you handled blog creepers? If so, let me know in the comments below.
There is a trend, it seems, that the only good reading is reading that is serious and depressing. I don’t quite understand this. I mean, it’s really much harder to be funny than it is to be sad. Anyone can say sad stuff. For instance, you could say “My cute, fuzzy little kitten is dead.” Cute dead fuzzy little kittens are sad. Now making cute dead little fuzzy kittens funny? That takes talent! Also sickness in the head. But mostly talent!
Yet we don’t like that, do we? No, to be taken seriously you have to be dramatic. That’s why you rarely get any “ha ha” movies winning academy awards. Or silly books winning major book prizes (although Dave Barry did win a Pulitzer – yay Dave!) And there are those who think silly blogging is worthless. If you’re blogging about funny stuff, then you aren’t recognizing that there is poverty, and disease, and destruction, and dead kittens. And Republicans! (Yeah, you know I couldn’t resist adding that one.)
But that’s not true. Humor doesn’t make you forget that there are horrible things in the world. Humor is what allows you to handle the horrible things in the world. Sometimes humor is dark, because sometimes the world is dark. Dead fuzzy kittens fall into the dark humor category, generally, unless we’re talking about Persians cause those things are messed up. Kidding! Hahaha, please don’t send PETA after me.
So then we should only blog about serious topics, right? Don’t get me wrong – serious blogging is needed. I know several really good bloggers who blog about serious, important topics like abuse, chronic pain, depression, and more. And unfortunate kitten accidents, probably. And people who are so disturbed they keep bringing up cute past-tense animals. But – wait – if you’re blogging about unfortunate events, then you’re still not doing anything. You’re not MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.
You didn’t realize that, did you? Blogging about poverty doesn’t end poverty. I know, it floored me when I found this out too. Blogging about abuse doesn’t stop abuse either. And blogging about Republicans? Yeah, they are still here. So we should really just quit this blogging business, you guys, and get out there and MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I thought about this a whole lot when I was composing this here blog post. I mean, when I wasn’t considering whether dead monkeys would sound creepier than dead kittens. I came to a conclusion. I was going to change the world.
So this morning I got up and went to a homeless shelter where I served people breakfast I’d made myself out of twigs and blackberries, then got them all houses (John McCain will never miss them). And right after that I flew to Africa and I gave people food (would you believe those people in the Unicef commericals were just standing around NOT giving sandwiches to these kids? They were right there the whole time!) I also gave out a bunch of free drug samples I stole from my doctor’s office. Some of it was enhancement pills, but who knows, they might be useful. Before I left, I adopted a child not yet claimed by Angelina Jolie and I flew back to the states just in time for lunch. Instead of eating (I gave my sandwich to a less fortunate kitten), I cured Cancer. Then I went to all the inner cities and gathered up all the guns and the gangs and we joined hands and sang Kum-ba-yah and drank coke and promised to be bffs forever. Then I took the guns and aimed them at all the abusers, especially the child abusers, and they all ran and jumped off cliffs. On my break I created purple glasses so that when people wore them everyone looked purple and they weren’t sure who they were supposed to hate anymore. I also wrote letters to every nation on earth and said “Quit it” and they all went “D’oh” and stopped their wars and dismantled their nuclear facilities. Finally, I went home, gave my supper to a homeless guy I made into my personal butler after teaching him how to be courteous and wear bow ties, and I cured AIDS. Then I worked out legislation that allowed gay people to marry because seriously there is no reason they can’t have FUN too and they invited me to a rocking party where I was celebrated as savior to us all, but I humbly declined the giant statue dedicated in my honor. Instead I had it melted down and made into a swimming pool for kids without swimming pools. Then I went to bed.
You might have noticed in there that I forgot to go to my job. Also my husband and children were strangely absent. And there was no blog post, and people got kind of bored. Here I’d gone and fixed everything, but why? Why do we want to fix things? What makes all this struggle worth it? Happiness? Justice? Relief?
What do you feel when you read a really good piece of writing? Or see a fantastic piece of art? Or listen to beautiful music? For a moment, do you not feel so hopeless? For a moment, do you think change is possible? I do. Can I say I’ve CHANGED THE WORLD? No. Not the whole world. Just a very small part of it. There are people out there that do extraordinary things. People who work to cure diseases, who go into inner cities and teach, who feed and house people, who push for legislation to better the lives of the people around them. I work at a library. I let people get books. I don’t change a great deal. But once I looked for information for an elderly man recently diagnosed with Cancer. I didn’t find what he was looking for, but he said “Thank you for trying. Thank you for listening.”
I made a difference to him. I make a difference to my family. I make a difference, just maybe, to one of you reading. After all, without me, you might be tempted to eat baby powder. Or listen to really awful music without realizing it. You might even be try to read 50 Shades of Awful. Maybe you might laugh. Maybe you might feel a little better than you did five minutes ago.
The world is a big place. There are a lot of people playing their parts. Do not doubt your own part. If you want to do more, then do it. But don’t forget what has already been done, the ripples that you have created in your own pond just by being you. Interesting, unique, and possibly gassy you.
Blog on, my friends.
Is blogging writing? I find that an amusing question. I’ve seen people debate this in various articles, blogs, and so on. Many people don’t know what blogging is, and if they do know, they don’t care. Isn’t that just, like, an online diary? Isn’t it kind of, you know, narcissistic?
Well, yes, but I’m really not sure what isn’t when it comes to writing. And yes, of course blogging is writing. I know there are some bloggers who would hesitate to call themselves writer, as if writer were this magical title only bestowed upon those lucky enough to get published. Let’s think about that a moment, shall we? Who do we know who has gotten published and has the brain of a sea monkey? That’s right. E.L. James has been published and made millions! Does that make her a writer?
Yes, it does. She’s a BAD writer, yes, but still, a writer. Anyone who puts a pen to paper or fingers to keys is a writer. But there are, as always, degrees. I had a college professor hand me back my paper once and tell me, “You can write, Alice. I can teach certain things like structure and grammar, but I can’t teach this. You have it or you don’t.” Would you believe I had a major crush on this teacher? Yeah, big surprise. But he had a point. People can improve to an extent, but either you have natural talent, or you do not.
So there are bloggers out there, just like there are some published writers, who suck. I mean, really suck. Reading E.L. James was like repeatedly hitting speed bumps with my car, only instead of speed bumps they were stupid things. La la la STUPID la la STUPID la la la STUPID STUPID STUPID la la etc. It’s hard to concentrate that way. I’ve seen some blogs -no none of yours – that are also pretty awful. A good way to find some of these blogs is to check out some of the random people who follow you before anyone else knows who you are. For instance, there was one guy from the Middle East whose blog consisted mostly of pictures of half naked, overweight American women. He was one of my first followers. But he was what I’d call a “bad blogger.”
But there are so many good bloggers! And just like with publishing, there are many who haven’t been noticed yet. They just need a little push, usually from someone who already has an audience, and then bang! Like me, they become wildly famous! Yeah, okay, I’m not a famous blogger, but that’s okay. I have an audience of loyal readers and I’m happy with that. There was a time, and this probably happens with a lot of bloggers, that I thought – hey, maybe someone will publish this mish-mash of stuff I vomited on the page! But I’m mostly past that now (not that I would turn it down Mr. bored publisher who happened upon my blog!). All I’ve ever really wanted was to make people laugh, and sometimes think a little, but mostly just laugh. And I do that.
I’ve seen what writers go through to get published. Just check out Carrie Rubin’s blog to see the fun she’s had on the road to publishing. By the way, she has this book out, and another one is coming out soon. But the thing is, it’s just not worth it to me, at least not at this point. Maybe when the kids are older, maybe when I have more time, maybe when I start farting unicorns, I don’t know. But right now, at this moment, what I have is okay.
So in a way, this is kind of my love letter to my readers, and just in time for Valentine’s Day. I can pretend I don’t care if anyone reads my stuff. Like, I am a writer, and I’m good at it, I know this, and I don’t have to have people validate it. I don’t have to, but, well . . .
Pathetic? Some might say so. So be it. Because here I am, right here, writing for myself, but also for the ones who read me. I’ve discovered that there are more than I realize, people who read and don’t comment, who just “like” or even who just breeze by. None of us can know how much we affect other people day by day. Some of the best comments I can get are “That made me laugh.” or “That brightened my day.” or best of all “That made me snort my drink through my nose, thanks Alice!”
So now I thank you.
Signed, sealed, delivered,
I missed another blogging milestone. My 400th post was like five posts ago. Now that’s either really impressive, or kind of sad in that I haven’t seen the sun in so long I’m almost as white as Edward, but not as sparkly. I’m going with impressive. Woot. And to further celebrate this achievement, I have made a doodle for everyone. No, not that kind of doodle, this one.
If you’ll notice, I made it in patriotic colors, so that you would all know I am an Amer-i-can. I am so hot, I write the word color without the “u”. Speaking of weird letters, that’s a four up there, not a “y”, though I realize it looks a little more like I’m saying Yoo than 400. Let’s see what my pals have to say about my milestone.
Thanks, Sad Pony, I can always count on your support!
Please do so outside, in the trees, Squirrel. Ignore that couple up there.
Haha, aren’t my Things cute. Now get away from the computer, Momma’s busy.
Both of you, go away. And quit haunting my nightmares too.
Holy Crap, who let her in? I think that’s enough celebrating for now. I also have an update on the TLC poll. So far “My Secret Addiction” is edging out “Sex put me in the ER” by just one vote! Okay, so the most votes went to “Read a book” but pfft, like THAT’S gonna happen. Anyway, I realized I should have also added an Other category, because several people brought up other incredibly insipid shows including “Sister Wives”, “Secret Princes”, “Gypsy Sister Weddings”, “Morons from Hades”, etc. Oh, the decisions! Anyway, if there’s one you want more than another, be sure and vote, even if you’re voting twice. I don’t think the poll notices. Or you can always put in your write-in vote.
I haven’t forgotten about my Behind the Fairy Tale series. Stay tuned for “The Little Mermaid”, a story about everyone’s favorite bubblehead.
Anyway, have you guys reached any insignificant milestones lately? Tell me in the comments below!
This post is hereby dedicated to all the posts I forgot to do. The ideas I said I’d surely continue but never did. I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but about the only ‘series’ I have actually finished is 50 Shades. That’s a bit sad. I’m not sure if I have ADD – but I do know I have CRC (can’t remember crap). Fortunately, either my readers also have CRC or they just don’t care if I finish or not. But just for the heck of it, I thought I’d bring up the number of ideas I had and then abandoned. Thanks to this guy.
I started with this October and worked my way backwards, cause that’s how I roll. Backwards. Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I never did go back and finish the movie recap of this little gem:
Oddly enough, I have not heard any clamor for, hey, Alice, you only did the first like 15 minutes of this movie! We really want to see more! Like more of Jeremy Irons and his No Good, Very Bad Day.
But that’s not all! Surely you guys remember . . .
My little creation from the disturbed computer game The Sims 2. haven’t tortured this guy in AGES. My kids have been most disappointed because I am apparently raising them to be virtual killing machines. Anyway, I do intend to get back to Boppo eventually, but I got distracted by a little side project that I think you might enjoy even more. Here’s a sneak peek.
Who else have I forgotten? Well, this lady technically belongs on the Wonder Twins blog (see above in the headings for yet another plug for my other blog) but she has been strangely absent.
I’m not sure if the cleaning fumes got to her or she finally had a complete meltdown, killed her husband with a frying pan, and then ran off to the nuthouse. More likely she’s just still vacuuming. On the plus side, Marlene has been keeping up appearances. Marlene is a lot more interesting. Maybe Mary Alice should find the trampier side of Sears.
Another thing you’ve been missing but you probably haven’t realized you have, which is highly dangerous for your astrological welfare, is my horoscope readings.
Just because I get my predictions from the likes of Dove candy wrappers and my own feverish brain does not mean they are any less accurate than the ones you get in your daily paper. Your newspaper. You know, it’s made out of newsprint and they throw it on your sidewalk and . . . what’s newsprint? Oh, never mind.
Speaking of people who can’t read anything longer than a Cosmo article (this includes me), there’s Bambi! And Dick Head! The stars of my 50 Shades parody (I swear I can write about other stuff. Maybe.).
I wrote parodies of the first two books but the last one remains unfinished. It could be because every book in the real series is just a repeat of the one before that, but still. If I finished the real books, I should finish further insulting James with my parody. Right?
Oh and there were others, like my weight loss quest (pfft) and my yoga to make me relax quest (double pfft) and so on. I’m not sure when or if I’m getting back on that horse. Horses. Whatever. Anyway, this was basically the equivalent of a flashback TV show where they insert a bunch of old crap rather than coming up with new stuff, only this post has even less production value.
I guess what I’m wondering is – is there something else to write about? Should I finish what I started? I know, if you had ideas, you’d be using them on your blog, right? But think about it. Probably your blog doesn’t have much room for squirrels, ponies and buttplugs, but mine does! So if you have ideas, or you just want me to shut up already, please say so in the comments below.
That’s right. I’m totally Alice. And um, this is like my blog and all of you are followers of ME, yes ME Spar . . . um, Alice!
Anyway, I am super excited about all of you who agreed to become my minions er I mean that entered Alice’s uh my contest to win the Sparkly Poneh of Wonder! But you will get so much more just by entering! You see we will not stop at sparkly ponehs. No, there are more sparkly doo-dads to be found, my friends. You know those blog awards your peeps have but you don’t? Well, they are all, ALL going to be ours – all the riches for us – yes, yes, even all the Freshly Pressed badges will all belong to me my precioussssssssssss! I mean us! How will we do it? By taking over WordPress, of course!
You say it can’t be done? Yes it can! We just have to storm WordPress’s headquarters. Well, you do, I’m going to sit on my lightbulb butt er my fair fanny. I’m thinking we can send that dj guy in first. He’ll distract all the editors with his suck uppiness while the rest of you guys can take over the site! There may be casualties, but it’s for a greater cause. Me.
Okay, once we’ve got the Death Star secure, we just have to work on the rest of the blogosphere. WordPress is totally the leading blog site, so all we have to do is get everyone to come here by informing them that Blogger, Tumblr, Linked-In (does anyone actually use that) and everything else sucks monkey brains. They will appreciate us so much for freeing them from crappy blogging platforms that they will obey our every command!
Then from there it’s easy peasy to take over the entire earth. ALL the Xboxes on the planet will be ours to play with, you guyz. Are you confused? Don’t worry, I have this handy chart here . . . somewhere . . .
That’s not my evil domination chart! That’s a xeroxed copy of Squirrel’s butt! Hey!
That’s it, you little rat, give me back my plans!
What? What??? My secret plans! Are you ready for a fight, Pony?
Oh. Oh, uh, no, don’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Alice your old pal, would you?
Hello, real Alice here now. Wow, that was close. Thank goodness my little furry friends were there for me. It shows they really care.
Close enough. For those of you taken in by Sparky’s plot, as I was, do not feel bad. It happens to all of us. Still, I’d like to congratulate our winner, of the coveted Sparkleponeh and a raccoon sticker from Goldfish’s shop, EvilSquirrel! He was chosen using a complex system created by the Things consisting of checking off Sparky attributes (he had the most, maybe?). He also received bonus points for stealing a picture from my blog to make his own award and for his awesome Bond-ish squirrel drawing. Of course all our contestants did an outstanding job and it was still really hard to choose. Thanks so much for entering, my awesome peeps!
But it seems like there should be something more . . . a second prize, which in keeping with Wonderland tradition will be greater than the first prize. And here it is . . . stickers of my two blog defenders, Sad Pony and Squirrel! These fab pictures of my dynamic duo were created by Goldfish, whose store I will once again promote – she has Halloween stuff there now, guys! Cute freaking ghosties!
The second place winner is djmatticus, narrowly edging out the others based on bonus points for sheer unadulterated enthusiasm. Congrats! If the winners will email me their addresses, I will send out their prizes ASAP! Thanks again all of you for playing along and for being awesome and very unsparkiesh followers.
The Real Alice (accept no substitutes)