New Years Eve post – Resolutions are easier if you set standards low. Really low. (12/01/01)
Job Search Fun – I try for a new job at my old job (12/01/26)
Not sure what happened here. Maybe I slept.
The Big Red Atomic Dog – I start writing reviews of awful Children’s TV. In this one, I ponder how Clifford got so big (12/03/30)
Woman at the Well – I retell a random Bible story. Badly. (12/04/20)
Time Management! – This won’t help you. (12/05/07)
View from a Trampoline – I figure out I’m not 12 anymore (12/06/11)
You Suck: Helpful Advice for Writers – I dispense learnings from my writing class. (12/07/18)
Penguin’s Progress – How things don’t get done at a university or why I stay with my old job. My first post after my switch from blogger to WordPress– (2012/07/30)
50 Shades of Beating a Dead Horse – I decide to recap the 50 Shades series despite countless warnings and many others beating me to it. I am an idiot. (2012/08/06)
More 50SoG? Yes, No, Who invited you to the party? – I ponder whether to continue the series. And I give 50 SoG the psychopath test. Guess who passes with flying colors???? (2012/08/20)
50SoG Interviews Taylor: I start interviewing 50 Shades fictional characters. Speaker 7, her mind clearly blown by her recaps, links to me and I get semi-famous! (12/8/22)
Your Weekly Horoscope – I make up horoscope readings. I am still getting hits from people wanting actual readings. (12/09/07)
The Cool Table – my first post on Canvas of the Minds. (12/09/09)
Queen of the Mucus People – beginning of my series “Fun with Lung Disease” (12/09/30)
Curious Alice Visits the Hospital Part One – Pneumonia sucks. (12/10/02)
50 Shades Flunked: Back to School – I grade E.L. James on her third book. Not pretty. (12/10/15)
An Alice Halloween Special – Worship the Great Pumpkin at the patch of your choice. (12/10/31)
The Seneca Scourge by Carrie Rubin: A Review – There are still good books out there, you guys. (12/11/02)
My Hurricane Post (12/11/04) – My totally unhelpful reflection on Hurricane Sandy
Alice’s Inspiring Movember Post (12/11/06) – There’s a picture of male anatomy and a pumpkin with a mustache.
Alice’s Thanksgiving Special (12/11/22) – Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, and Smallpox
Alice’s Press Release Blurbs (12/11/18) – You like me! You really like me!
Twilight Movie Recap Part One (12/11/30) – I review Twilight with my darling, snark-filled children.
Alice’s Letter to Santa (12/12/12) – Alice starts her blackmail campaign against Santa.
Alice’s Christmas Special (12/12/25) The story of Jesus and Santa.Wow, what a trip down that rabbit hole of memory lanes. Clearly, so much happened in 2012, as revealed in those blog posts that I’m sure you clicked on instead of skipping to the bottom. Like I applied for a job and got pneumonia and reviewed a bunch of awful books. Oh, and there was a hurricane. Let no one say Alice does not have a handle on news we can all appreciate. Or something. Make way for 2013.
Good news! Santa decided to settle out of court. Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet. Lucky Rudolf. And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past! Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s. You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.
Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts. Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor. It is top notch stuff, you guyz. Check it out.
I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself. Prepare to be fascinated, folks. Unless I’ve told you this already. Then pretend.
1. Alice has multiple degrees. No really. She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means the queen of libraries or something). Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD. And so far, no one has called her Master. Irritating.
2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job. Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick. Life is not fair.
Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award. I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something. Close your eyes. Keep them closed. You’ll be much happier.
I told you to keep them closed. Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks. You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead. Don’t spend it all in one place.
Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation. She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging. For realz this time. This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well). Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are
forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!
So I was
obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days. Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder. As it turns out, James is spamming my blog. Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her. Who else has such a way with words? Observe.
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It’s true, I do write about stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon. Thanks.
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I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading. But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.
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I’m thinking this is in another language. Like possibly Klingon. I did recognize a couple words in there. Like direct. I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.
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Who knew James was a poet?
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I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one! I did see that I could
bother follow her on Twitter. I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality. I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.
Alice is pooped. Poop poop poop pooped. She willingly concedes the post-a-day-are-you-freaking-kidding-me challenge to Speaker 7 and Jen and Tonic. Apparently, her lungs have decided they are still tired. Also her brain.
I still plan on having the next recap up on Monday, because who can live without brain sucking literature? Also, on the 16th, Alice will be starring on Black Box Warnings, Le Clown’s more serious le site. Woot.
Oh, and “Post”.
I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog. These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?) I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous. Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.
This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name. At least I think they did. It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland. Either way, I’ll take it.
2. ana wants beat because she is wet
Yeah. Um, this one was used four different times. Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time. I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.
3. cancer weekly horoscope
I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd. Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money. This one came up four times.
4. the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.
Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times. Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.
* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.
5. reviews of 50 shades of alice
There are fifty shades of me? I probably reached several of those while I was sick.
6. fifty shades of crap
I like that one just because.
7. san franco ca.free things for people on SSI
Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.
8. 50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug
I’m so proud of this
9. horse tail buttplug sex pics
This I’m a little disturbed about.
10. riding crops
I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there. If so, oopsie.
11. why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands
Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does? I dunno.
12. dragon playroom
The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.
13. coo coo ca choo alice
This one is my absolute favorite.
14. alice mon crack
Am I a Jamaican druggie?
15. infantilize children lazy
16. whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore
17. 50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream
I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex
18. ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker
19. inner goddess balls
I’d like to see those
20. french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures
Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire! Others to my blog. Thanks. They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.
This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets. And my readers! People love me, they really do! Also buttplugs. And horse sex pics. I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.
Recently I wrote a post on Canvas on overwhelmation. And I am definitely feeling it now. Pretty soon, they’re going to expect me to go back to work. I’m better, much, much better, but still when I go to the bookstore, I’m good for about ten, fifteen minutes tops before my body says “Holy crap, go home!” So I’m thinking if fifteen minutes is hard, eight hours might be slightly harder. There is also the process of working out sick leave (like not having any) and if I qualify for something called sick leave pool, the logistics of which probably inspired the book Catch-22.
So I was
thinking stressing on this and Thing Two started coughing. And then running fever. And I said, “Oh, crap.” (I say this a lot.) I guess I was just hoping the powers that be or whatever would give me say enough time to quit being sick myself before striking a kid. Yeah, not so much. Even better, she has the ability to go from lying still (freaky for this kid) to bouncing about while chattering non-stop until my brains threaten to explode within minutes.
So this, and work, and sick, and laundry, and whatever the hell else I’m supposed to be doing has not made it any easier to sleep at night. Well, that and sleeping during the day, which you get used to when you feel too crappy to do anything else, and then it’s hard to break the cycle. So since I can’t sleep, I get up and write. And then it occurs to me (and look we’re getting to the supposed point of this post) that maybe I should try to set some sort of boundaries on my blogging. Boundaries I’d like to set other places, like work (not so many hours) or parenting (not so many hours) or laundry (Why are there so many clothes and where the frack are the socks?)
Thing is, I love feedback. Love, love, love it. I am extremely susceptible to compliments. I feed on good press, and then I’m compelled to do more, more, more! But then I lie awake at night and along with everything else think – am I doing too much posting? Am I annoying? Am I pressable? What if I write something and they think I’m not funny? You know, like Sinatra when his voice started going but he kept singing and no one wanted to tell him to shut up? Wait, I forgot what point I was trying to make here.
Oh, yeah, insecurity. I has it. And night time is a great time to think about this. Which is why insomnia really sucks, unless you are just dying to catch up on infomercials. Like this one for this leaf blower that is apparently more awesome than Jesus. Maybe it’s powered by Jesus. Or possibly the people in the commercial are on drugs. They are very, very happy about this leaf blower. And after a while, I’m thinking, I should get that leaf blower. Then I too could blow away spider webs with the force of a helicopter taking off.
Anyway, I’m hoping to get my sleep cycles out of “infant” and back to “semi-adult”. But even when I do, I still have to decide how to balance my life. Get it? Balance. Hahahaha. As if mothers, whether SAHMS or working moms, can ever balance their lives. I mean, unless they’re like Ann Romney and have servants and crap. But I should probably try to balance the blogging. So here’s the question. How do you blog? Do you blog every day? Once a week? Twice a week? Randomly? Do you keep a schedule? Do you remember where your children are, or who they are? Have you bathed lately, because I can smell you from here, I’m just sayin’.
I’d appreciate the feedback on this, because I’m trying to figure out some way to balance at least one tiny part of my life but I’m unsure how to do it. I mean, I realize it’s up to me, but I’ve got Sinatra complex, and also ideas running about my head like mad, which makes it hard to make any decision, including what I’m going to have for supper. So tell me how you blog, and how you came to that decision, and how long you’ve been doing it, and how you paid off those WordPress people in order to get pressed. I really want to know. And then maybe I can figure out how I blog as well.
Also, wtf with the jerky-I’m-gonna-take-my-sweet-time crap going on while writing and editing your posts on WordPress lately? Huh? It’s annoying.