Tag Archives: blogging

2012: A Year in Blog Posts

People are reflectin’ on 2012 all over the place.  Usually I forget what I did yesterday, but with a blog, you have all those memories stored up for you.  Well, you do if you write about anything sane, which I rarely do.  But still, it’s fun to take a look back in time.  (Cue wavy lines)

2012

January

New Years Eve post – Resolutions are easier if you set standards low.  Really low.  (12/01/01)

Job Search Fun – I try for a new job at my old job (12/01/26)

Febuary

Not sure what happened here.  Maybe I slept.

March

The Big Red Atomic Dog – I start writing reviews of awful Children’s TV.  In this one, I ponder how Clifford got so big (12/03/30)

Steroids or Radiation Exposure?

Steroids or Radiation Exposure?

April

Woman at the Well – I retell a random Bible story.  Badly.  (12/04/20)

May

Time Management! – This won’t help you. (12/05/07)

TIME MANAGEMENT!

Get your priorities straight

June

View from a Trampoline – I figure out I’m not 12 anymore (12/06/11)

July

You Suck: Helpful Advice for Writers – I dispense learnings from my writing class.  (12/07/18)

Penguin’s Progress – How things don’t get done at a university or why I stay with my old job.  My first post after my switch from blogger to WordPress– (2012/07/30)

August
Zombies are among us, people.

Zombies are among us, people.

50 Shades of Beating a Dead Horse – I decide to recap the 50 Shades series despite countless warnings and many others beating me to it.  I am an idiot.  (2012/08/06)

More 50SoG?  Yes, No, Who invited you to the party? – I ponder whether to continue the series.  And I give 50 SoG the psychopath test.  Guess who passes with flying colors???? (2012/08/20)

50SoG Interviews Taylor: I start interviewing 50 Shades fictional characters.  Speaker 7, her mind clearly blown by her recaps, links to me and I get semi-famous! (12/8/22)

September
All signs point to: not likely

All signs point to: not likely

Your Weekly Horoscope – I make up horoscope readings.  I am still getting hits from people wanting actual readings.  (12/09/07)

The Cool Table – my first post on Canvas of the Minds.  (12/09/09)

Queen of the Mucus People – beginning of my series “Fun with Lung Disease” (12/09/30)

October
Who invited these guys?

Who invited these guys?

Curious Alice Visits the Hospital Part One – Pneumonia sucks.  (12/10/02)

50 Shades Flunked: Back to School – I grade E.L. James on her third book.  Not pretty. (12/10/15)

An Alice Halloween Special – Worship the Great Pumpkin at the patch of your choice.  (12/10/31)

November
Wow, look at that wave . . . arghhhhhhhhhh!

Wow, look at that wave . . . arghhhhhhhhhh!

The Seneca Scourge by Carrie Rubin: A Review – There are still good books out there, you guys.  (12/11/02)

My Hurricane Post (12/11/04) – My totally unhelpful reflection on Hurricane Sandy

Alice’s Inspiring Movember Post (12/11/06) – There’s a picture of male anatomy and a pumpkin with a mustache.

Alice’s Thanksgiving Special (12/11/22) – Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, and Smallpox

Heyyyy, Squanto was hot!

Heyyyy, Squanto was hot!

Alice’s Press Release Blurbs (12/11/18) – You like me!  You really like me!

Twilight Movie Recap Part One (12/11/30) – I review Twilight with my darling, snark-filled children.

December
Reindeer Games

Reindeer Games

Alice’s Letter to Santa (12/12/12) – Alice starts her blackmail campaign against Santa.

Alice’s Christmas Special (12/12/25) The story of Jesus and Santa.

Wow, what a trip down that rabbit hole of memory lanes.  Clearly, so much happened in 2012, as revealed in those blog posts that I’m sure you clicked on instead of skipping to the bottom.  Like I applied for a job and got pneumonia and reviewed a bunch of awful books.  Oh, and there was a hurricane.  Let no one say Alice does not have a handle on news we can all appreciate.  Or something.
Make way for 2013.

Tidings of Joy . . . or something

Good news!  Santa decided to settle out of court.  Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet.  Lucky Rudolf.  And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past!  Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s.  You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.

Thanks, Santa!

Thanks, Santa!

Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts.  Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor.  It is top notch stuff, you guyz.  Check it out.

I have the best friends ever.

I have the best friends ever.

I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself.  Prepare to be fascinated, folks.  Unless I’ve told you this already.  Then pretend.

1. Alice has multiple degrees.  No really.   She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means  the queen of libraries or something).  Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD.  And so far, no one has called her Master.  Irritating.

2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job.  Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick.  Life is not fair.

Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award.  I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something.  Close your eyes.  Keep them closed.  You’ll be much happier.

There's plenty for everybody!

There’s plenty for everybody!

I told you to keep them closed.  Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks.  You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead.  Don’t spend it all in one place.

Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation.  She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging.  For realz this time.  This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well).  Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!

Love,

Alice

Presents of Spam from E.L. James

So I was obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days.  Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder.  As it turns out, James is spamming my blog.  Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her.  Who else has such a way with words?  Observe.

Lookie!  The computer barfed up some email!

Lookie! The computer barfed up some email!

I think this is a powerfull site with a lot interesting blogposts about this stuff. And i just wanna thank you for this. I’ll subscribe to your website to see if you post more stuff like these!

It’s true, I do write about stuff.  I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon.  Thanks.

I discovered your blog site on google and check a few of your early posts. Continue to keep up the very good operate. I just additional up your RSS feed to my MSN News Reader. Seeking forward to reading more from you later on!…

I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading.  But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.

Last van erectiestoornissen? Dan is viagra echt iets voor jou! Viagra zorgt er namelijk voor de bloedvaten in de penis zich makkelijker kunnen ontspannen waardoor erectieproblemen tot de verleden tijd behoren. Wil je direct viagra kopen? Dan kan dat natuurlijk ook!

I’m thinking this is in another language.  Like possibly Klingon.  I did recognize a couple words in there.  Like direct.  I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.

this article gives the light in which we can observe the reality. this is particularly a nice one and gives in-depth information. thanks for this nice article

Who knew James was a poet?

hey, i like your valuable article in which you have described very well with point wise.

I sure do describe well, point wise I mean.

Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people consider worries that they just don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

Me too!  That is SO annoying when people consider worries they don’t realize they’re having.  But at least I hit the nail without any side effects, like thumb breakage.

I simply want to mention I’m beginner to blogs and truly savored your web site. Probably I’m planning to bookmark your blog post . You actually come with tremendous article content. Many thanks for sharing your web site.

Probably I’m going to check out your site.  But probably not.

great and educative content, thanks for being so important for the education

I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.

Well, that’s all for now.   It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one!  I did see that I could bother follow her on Twitter.  I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality.  I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.

Pooped!

Alice is pooped.  Poop poop poop pooped.  She willingly concedes the post-a-day-are-you-freaking-kidding-me challenge to Speaker 7 and Jen and Tonic.  Apparently, her lungs have decided they are still tired.  Also her brain. 

I still plan on having the next recap up on Monday, because who can live without brain sucking literature?  Also, on the 16th, Alice will be starring on Black Box Warnings, Le Clown’s more serious le site.  Woot. 

Oh, and “Post”.

Alice

Obligatory Search Terms Post

I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog.  These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?)  I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous.  Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.

1.      aliceatwonderland

This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name.  At least I think they did.  It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland.  Either way, I’ll take it.

They like me, Pinky! They really like me! Or maybe just buttplugs!

2.      ana wants beat because she is wet

Yeah.  Um, this one was used four different times.  Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time.  I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.

3.      cancer weekly horoscope

I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd.  Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money.  This one came up four times.

4.      the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.

Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times.  Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.

I bet it was these guys using that search term.

* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.

5.      reviews of 50 shades of alice

There are fifty shades of me?  I probably reached several of those while I was sick.

6.      fifty shades of crap

I like that one just because.

7.      san franco ca.free things for people on SSI

Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.

8.  50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug

I’m so proud of this

9.  horse tail buttplug sex pics

 This I’m a little disturbed about.

I’m just thinking of this pony, okay?

10.  riding crops

I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there.  If so, oopsie.

11.  why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands

Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does?  I dunno.

12.  dragon playroom

The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.

13.  coo coo ca choo alice

This one is my absolute favorite.

14.  alice mon crack

Am I a Jamaican druggie?

Try some, it’s totally cool, mon.

15.  infantilize children lazy

Huh?

16.  whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore

So sweet!

17.  50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream

I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex

18.  ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker

Bingo!

19.  inner goddess balls

I’d like to see those

Sooo . . . this on some vaginal balls? Maybe?

20.  french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures

Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire!  Others to my blog.  Thanks.  They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.

This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets.  And my readers!  People love me, they really do!  Also buttplugs.  And horse sex pics.  I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.

How Do You Blog?

Recently I wrote a post on Canvas on overwhelmation.  And I am definitely feeling it now.  Pretty soon, they’re going to expect me to go back to work.  I’m better, much, much better, but still when I go to the bookstore, I’m good for about ten, fifteen minutes tops before my body says “Holy crap, go home!”  So I’m thinking if fifteen minutes is hard, eight hours might be slightly harder.  There is also the process of working out sick leave (like not having any) and if I qualify for something called sick leave pool, the logistics of which probably inspired the book Catch-22.

My employee handbook

So I was thinking stressing on this and Thing Two started coughing.  And then running fever.  And I said, “Oh, crap.”  (I say this a lot.) I guess I was just hoping the powers that be or whatever would give me say enough time to quit being sick myself before striking a kid.  Yeah, not so much.  Even better, she has the ability to go from lying still (freaky for this kid) to bouncing about while chattering non-stop until my brains threaten to explode within minutes.

Mommy, what are you doing? I want a buffalo for Christmas! I was reading this story and it was about this and this and this and are you listening Mommy and my buddy said that I was weird and I don’t like bullies why do people bully it isn’t nice and it’s against school policy and that’s not fair and what’s on T.V.? I think I might throw up. No, false alarm, it’s a burp and do you want to play dolls?

So this, and work, and sick, and laundry, and whatever the hell else I’m supposed to be doing has not made it any easier to sleep at night. Well, that and sleeping during the day, which you get used to when you feel too crappy to do anything else, and then it’s hard to break the cycle.  So since I can’t sleep, I get up and write.  And then it occurs to me (and look we’re getting to the supposed point of this post) that maybe I should try to set some sort of boundaries on my blogging.  Boundaries I’d like to set other places, like work (not so many hours) or parenting (not so many hours) or laundry (Why are there so many clothes and where the frack are the socks?) 

Husband: So like I’m not supposed to dry your underwire bras in the dryer?
Wife: I’m going to kill you.

Thing is, I love feedback.  Love, love, love it.  I am extremely susceptible to compliments.  I feed on good press, and then I’m compelled to do more, more, more!  But then I lie awake at night and along with everything else think – am I doing too much posting?  Am I annoying?  Am I pressable?  What if I write something and they think I’m not funny?  You know, like Sinatra when his voice started going but he kept singing and no one wanted to tell him to shut up?  Wait, I forgot what point I was trying to make here.

There’s a point here somewhere . . .

Oh, yeah, insecurity.  I has it.  And night time is a great time to think about this.  Which is why insomnia really sucks, unless you are just dying to catch up on infomercials.  Like this one for this leaf blower that is apparently more awesome than Jesus.  Maybe it’s powered by Jesus.  Or possibly the people in the commercial are on drugs.  They are very, very happy about this leaf blower.  And after a while, I’m thinking, I should get that leaf blower. Then I too could blow away spider webs with the force of a helicopter taking off.

Wait, that’s not a leaf blower – he’s a freaking Ghostbuster!

Anyway, I’m hoping to get my sleep cycles out of “infant” and back to “semi-adult”.  But even when I do, I still have to decide how to balance my life.  Get it? Balance.  Hahahaha. As if mothers, whether SAHMS or working moms, can ever balance their lives. I mean, unless they’re like Ann Romney and have servants and crap.  But I should probably try to balance the blogging.  So here’s the question.  How do you blog?  Do you blog every day?  Once a week?  Twice a week?  Randomly?  Do you keep a schedule?  Do you remember where your children are, or who they are?  Have you bathed lately, because I can smell you from here, I’m just sayin’. 

I dunno, do you think you should be juggling the baby?

I’d appreciate the feedback on this, because I’m trying to figure out some way to balance at least one tiny part of my life but I’m unsure how to do it.  I mean, I realize it’s up to me, but I’ve got Sinatra complex, and also ideas running about my head like mad, which makes it hard to make any decision, including what I’m going to have for supper.  So tell me how you blog, and how you came to that decision, and how long you’ve been doing it, and how you paid off those WordPress people in order to get pressed.  I really want to know.  And then maybe I can figure out how I blog as well.

I don’t get it.
Where are their faces???

Also, wtf with the jerky-I’m-gonna-take-my-sweet-time crap going on while writing and editing your posts on WordPress lately?  Huh?  It’s annoying. 

As Always,

Alice

Dear WordPress

Hey, WordPress!

It’s amazing how much time you can waste trying to figure out how to outfit a blog.  I think I’ve spent less time picking out my clothes.  Actually, I know I’ve spent less time doing that.  People at work will tell you so.  Anyway, last night I decided to personalize my blog some because that seemed like an efficient use of my time.  (By the way, do you like the new background?  That only took 2,394 hours for me to figure out how to do!) 

Here’s the thing, though.  I’m still technologically inept.  I didn’t grow up with computers, at least not like we have today.  When I was a kid, we had the Apple IIc and we were HAPPY, dangit.  We had floppy disks that stored like .000000001 bites of data each.  This computer came with unique games, like this one where you made tiny little apples fall into a bin.  ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT EXCITEMENT PEOPLE.  But still, we were satisfied, because what the heck did we know?

You’ll have your Apple and you’ll LIKE it!

If you’ll notice, WordPress, I have been nice in my post.  See, no dirty words yet!  I don’t care what Sunday School says, “dangit” doesn’t count!  Anyway, I am really hoping that someone knows how to do some of this stuff I’m trying to do because I have looked at your help site and it wasn’t much help.  For one thing, there’s a lot of reading there, and who has time for that crap?  (Crap is also okay, because that is a bodily function, am I right?)  I need some help here, so I’m just going to post my questions, because when you put questions like this into the search box, for some reason you don’t find answers.  Here we go.

1. How do you put a pic from your blog into the little box beside your name – the one that appears when you post comments? You know, the box thingie.  WordPress doesn’t recognize “box thingie” in its search feature.  Anyway, I know about gravatars, which frankly sounds like some sort of kidney disorder, but I can’t get it into the box.  If you scroll over the box, you see my pic, but then it just goes back to that lame G for gravatar.  Or worse, sparkles, and I don’t like sparkles, not after Twilight, you guyz.  So help me out here because I’m already at maximum level for frustration, and you don’t want to see Librarian Rage. 

Yeah, I tried that. THANKS.

2. My subtitle is white, and the background is white, so now you can’t see my fabulous subtitle (down the rabbit hole).  My millions of viewers are going to get eyeball strain.  How do I change the font type?  How do I change the color of the font?  How do I change the size of the font?  Or do you have to pay for that?  Cause if you do, that kind of sucks.

3. At one point, I swear there was this diagram thing where you could design where you wanted to put stuff on your blog.  Now I can’t find it.  I wanted to put a little note about the site where I found my original Alice in Wonderland pictures, because the originals are 1,000 times cooler than the Disney ones, no offense, Walt.  The site is called Lenny’s Alice in Wonderland site (btw he knows how to put the picture thingies by his name too!) But I can’t put a note on my blog about it, nor can I put up my own copyright notice.  Because I just KNOW there are people wanting to steal my stuff but it is mine so no you can’t you guyz!  Plagiarizing is not cool, unless you’re pretty sure you can get away with it and make millions of dollars.   Anyway, I need to know how to put that stuff on my blog.  I wish I could just write it on the screen.  That would be easier, but might affect the monitor’s performance.  I dunno.

4. You know how some people have the static page (not like static electricity.  A page that stays there.  I think.) that has links on it so you can easily hop to that post so you don’t have to read any of their other crap?  Saying they have crap you don’t want to read?  Yeah, how do you do that?  Because I’m willing to bet there are people who would prefer to skip a lot of my crap.  I want a page with links.  Like Speaker7 has on her page (although I like reading all of her crap) that lets you jump to whatever recrap you want.  Like the one where Hugo / Christian  puts playdough balls up Goofy / Ana’s “down there”.  If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, then you should go see Speaker 7 because I’m busy here, people.  Also, and this has nothing to do with WordPress, but you should know anyway because you want pics from us all the time, right?  How do you write on photos?  Like thought balloons making people say stupid stuff.  I need to know how to do this. 

Like this. The world needs to know what this stupid bird is thinking. Now.

5. Why do you call the posts you pick  “Freshly Pressed”?  That makes me think of mammograms.  Just wondering.

Okay, I think that’s all for now.  Thanks in advance.

Alice.