So the other day the girls and I were discussing how salt and pepper reproduce. Yes we were. Don’t look at us, this happened in a cartoon – FOR CHILDREN! Blue’s Clues, to be exact. Now I touched on this weirdness in my review quite a while back (LINK DROP) but it still bugs me, because I think about this kind of stuff instead of say, world peace. One thing is for sure, world peace ain’t never gonna happen while condiments are allowed to party in the kitchen cabinet while you sleep.
So what am I talking about exactly? If you guessed Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper and their spice spawn, then I’m really sorry, cause that means your brain is storing the same useless information as mine is.
A brief summary of Blue’s Clues. There’s this mentally challenged guy named Steve or Joe, they’re pretty much interchangeable, and he has a dog named Blue. She can’t talk so she gives “clues” using paw prints. Now the weird thing about this is that while the dog can’t talk, practically everything else can. Soap, a side table drawer, a shovel and pail, possibly Steve’s underpants, and of course the salt and pepper shakers. Who are married. Of course they are.
But that’s not all. Oh, no. Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper have a BABY. Her name is Paprika. I can’t for the life of me figure out the logistics of this – there’s just too many holes. I mean, in the lids. Besides that, I’ve tried combining salt and pepper together and I do not get paprika. Thing One found a video that discusses why they made Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper talk and not Blue, and how they wanted to teach kids about getting younger siblings and . . . wait, what? That’s right. It happened AGAIN. They had another baby named Cinnamon. I think this is getting out of hand. In this video Neil DeGrasse Tyson – yes the astrophysicist – asks why Blue can’t talk and Paprika, the inanimate object, can. Pay special attention to 1:12 in the video for something really whack.
It’s not just the salt and pepper having funsies, you guys, nope. If you look at the frame below, you can clearly see what looks like a baby mayo, ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, and I have no idea what the green one is – guacamole? Who knew this could happen? And if it can, why on earth do we go to the grocery store? Why not just breed our own condiments?
I’ll tell you why. Because it’s just WRONG, that’s why. If we allow this marriage of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, who knows what will be next? Col. Mustard and Mrs. Ketchup making their own special sauce? I don’t think so. That’s why I have all my condiments and spices spayed or neutered, and you should too. And never, ever let your salt and pepper stay in the same cabinet, not unless you really need a new spice rack in the next few months.
Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper offer up so many other questions. Like, when you refill the salt shaker, is that like a blood transfusion? If it runs out of salt and you wait too long, does the shaker die? What about if the spice inside the shaker passes the expiration date? Is that like old age? If so my spice rack is a freaking morgue. Thing Two claims a friend of hers actually buried an empty salt shaker after exposure to Blue’s Clues. Really, people, we must think about the CHILDREN. I can’t believe Fox News hasn’t picked up on this smut we’re showing to our impressionable youth by now.
Also, try not to think about what Steve and Joe do with that poor living Soap. No – no, not there!!!!
This disturbing PSA brought to you by Alice and her Things.
I just realized that my last post was my 199th post and that my next scheduled post was 50 Shade related. Somehow I didn’t want that to be my historic 200th post. Even though I completely missed whatever my 100th post was, I wanted this one to be special. How often do you have 200th anniversaries? You know, while still alive? Not like those they’re always talking about on Google, where it’s some famous person’s 548th birthday. That seems pretty silly to me. Are we going to drag out the corpse and put a birthday hat on it? Cause that would be super creepy yet also a pretty cool reality T.V. show.
Anyway, I would say “wow, I can’t believe I have written that much” but wow, I’m not actually that surprised because I am a pretty big blabbermouth both in voice and print. But at the moment, I don’t have bunches to say. So I’ll let others do it for me.
Thanks for reading,
I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog. These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?) I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous. Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.
This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name. At least I think they did. It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland. Either way, I’ll take it.
2. ana wants beat because she is wet
Yeah. Um, this one was used four different times. Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time. I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.
3. cancer weekly horoscope
I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd. Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money. This one came up four times.
4. the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.
Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times. Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.
* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.
5. reviews of 50 shades of alice
There are fifty shades of me? I probably reached several of those while I was sick.
6. fifty shades of crap
I like that one just because.
7. san franco ca.free things for people on SSI
Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.
8. 50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug
I’m so proud of this
9. horse tail buttplug sex pics
This I’m a little disturbed about.
10. riding crops
I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there. If so, oopsie.
11. why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands
Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does? I dunno.
12. dragon playroom
The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.
13. coo coo ca choo alice
This one is my absolute favorite.
14. alice mon crack
Am I a Jamaican druggie?
15. infantilize children lazy
16. whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore
17. 50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream
I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex
18. ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker
19. inner goddess balls
I’d like to see those
20. french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures
Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire! Others to my blog. Thanks. They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.
This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets. And my readers! People love me, they really do! Also buttplugs. And horse sex pics. I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.
I reviewed Blue’s Clues a while back, and I’ve just realized that it is similar in nature to 50 Shades. You see, James drops clues in her book, but not just any clues. These are giant, economy size clues that you couldn’t possibly miss unless you’re as dumb as Blue’s owner. For instance there is the “clue” that Christian has some issues with food that is repeated over and over and over again. Imagine a giant blue pawprint on Ana’s forehead. I do, and it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I also compared 50 Shades to Dora the Explorer because of its repetitiveness, although now that I think of it there are so many other ways it is similar what with that explorer theme and OMG I have been reading these books too long. My point is that these books are as repetitive and obvious as a children’s program, so I figured that with the sequel, 50 Shades Dumber, er, Darker, I would try to spice up the recaps for you guys by having the characters themselves tell you what’s going on in a series of interviews. Covering Chapter 1 is Taylor, Christian Grey’s loyal assistant. Here is the transcript of the interview, written by my subconscious. Inner goddess was the photographer.
Alice: Taylor, thanks for joining us today. So, what’s it like working for Christian Grey?
Taylor: Christian Grey is a good man and an excellent boss. He pays me well and gives great benefits. For instance, not many employers will throw in Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits for free.
Alice: Oh, I almost forgot. I managed to get you in that Witness Protection Program after all.
Taylor: Really? Thank God! I thought I was going to have to start poisoning that freak’s Trojans.
Alice: So you don’t really think he’s a great boss?
Taylor: Are you kidding? The guy is a total whackjob! He has me buy lacy underwear for his victims. Now everyone in Victoria’s Secret thinks I’m a total perv. Who does this? Who makes their employees buy women’s underwear, huh? Who? I mean I realize that there’s that part of the job description that says “and other duties as assigned” but really? He makes me order his S&M supplies. People are starting to wonder why we need so many riding crops when we don’t have horses here. And – and he can’t do anything for himself! I have to bring the idiot his bunny slippers and read him bedtime stories about crack whores!
Alice: That’s . . . interesting. What do you think of his relationship with Anastasia Steele?
Taylor: I liked it better when he had sub of the month. I hate Ana. She’s a jerk to everybody. Even the voices. She’s always talking to those voices in her head. She does this out loud but she doesn’t realize it. Christian thinks her schizophrenia is “cute”. Anyway, she thinks no one can hear her but guess what? I can. And her thoughts are stupid. You know what else I can hear? Their constant boinking in the backseat. What are they, weasels in heat?
Alice: You must have been happy about their breakup then.
Taylor: Ecstatic. But it didn’t last, of course.
Alice: It didn’t?
Taylor: Hell, no. I walked in Christian’s office a few days later and there’s Christian typing out emails to her. That’s really all he does at work. When he’s on the phone talking business, he’s not actually talking to anyone. The phone’s not even on. People just go with it. So he says I have to drive them to his helicopter, which he flies freaking everywhere because he’s such a snobby jerk. He wanted to fly Ana to her friend’s gallery opening so he can be a real douchebag to everyone there, as always.
Alice: But if they were broken up, why was she going with him to her friend’s gallery opening?
Taylor: Because the twit can’t take a bus, apparently. He offered her a ride and it didn’t occur to her to find other transportation. Did I mention she’s an idiot? Okay, so here’s what happened. He told me to drive them, because I have nothing else to do but be his slave, of course. So she gets in the car, and he bitches at her about eating because the girl’s a freaking anorexic but like it’s his business what she eats? So he’s an asshole to her, but in like five seconds the stupid girl’s in his lap. I really don’t know why he didn’t just get a Cocker Spaniel like I suggested.
Alice: It would be hard to tell the difference. So do you know what happened at the gallery?
Taylor: Yeah, I heard about it, because guess what? I’m also his bloody therapist when Flynn’s not around. He was really pissed off because her friend took all these pictures of Ana in different poses. He bought them all, and I have to tell you, they are not that exciting. Girl’s biting her lip and staring off blankly in every one of them. But that lip stuff really revs his engine. After the gallery, he said he got to second base with her in the alley. And then he took her to a restaurant because she was about to die of starvation right in front of him, apparently. He called me to pick them up, again. I was all ready to sit back and watch an episode of Bachelor Pad, too. Story of my life.
Alice: Well, thank you, Taylor, for your time. Hey, look there’s Christian waiting for you. You don’t think he’s been listening in on us, do you?
A lot of people put down T.V. because they think it makes kids lazy. I protest, for often my children watched T.V. while standing on their heads, or jumping on my back, which was revenge for when I used to turn somersaults in front of the set, narrowly avoiding electrocution each time. At any rate, in order to appease those who think T.V. makes you sedentary and brainless (imagine that!), network executives came up with the brilliant idea of “interactive” children’s shows. These are shows that ask kids to help the people on the screen, usually by shouting out obvious solutions to the problems of very stupid characters.
I picked two of these shows to highlight, although I warn you now these reviews might cause PTSD in susceptible parents. First up:
Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorah is a cute little Hispanic kid with a football shaped head. She has a pet monkey that wears boots, but nothing else. Together they force children to help them get somewhere, as if they were tiny human GPSs. Dora is prepared, though, with her trusty backpack (cue song: “Backpack, backpack, backpack, backpack . . . “) that contains a map. Yes, that’s right. You can’t hear that word without also hearing the song that goes with it. “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the MAP!!!!!”
Next an arrow – like a giant, supernatural mouse pointer – “clicks” on whatever object the child is supposed to select. So it’s like a cartoon computer program, for annoying children who grew up with computers and frequently slam their hands into storybooks expecting them to talk. I guess the arrow helps them identify the obvious even more . . . obviously.
Since Dora is Hispanic, she often teaches the kids Spanish words, mostly by repeating herself, which if you haven’t noticed, is a major pattern in this show. I mean, sure, I’ve heard of Spanglish, or using a mixture of English and Spanish, but this kid just says the same thing in two different languages. Here we go again: “Come on Vamanos! Everybody let’s go! “
Okay, so basically this is what Dora is saying, if you just keep it all in English. “Come on, everybody let’s go! Everybody let’s go!” Do you know anyone that talks like that? If so, they’ve probably been damaged by children’s T.V. Anyway, besides teaching Spanish, Dora also teaches kids about using a map to get somewhere, which admittedly, most adults still haven’t figured out either. Each episode, she pulls out a map and points to three places they have to go on their way. It’s always three places, no matter what. It could be to the bathroom, and still she would have three stops. And she would point each one out. Repeatedly.
By the time Dora has done this a dozen or so times, the kids have gotten the hang of it and are calling out answers to her. But she doesn’t just want help with direction. She also needs help with basic motor skills, like when she says “Jump! Salta! Say it with me! Salta! Salta! Saaaaaaaaaaltaaaaaa!”. Executives and parenting experts think this means the show is actively engaging the child’s brain, which I guess it is, but only so the child can get the character to SHUT UP ALREADY.
To spice things up, the show has a villain fox named Swiper, because he . . . swipes stuff. Which I guess is a better name than Clepto. He has to be one of the dumbest crooks ever though, because he’s always stealing things like parts of railroad track, rather than, say, an Xbox that he could sell on Ebay. He’s also easy to turn away. All you have to do is yell – you all remember it, don’t you? “Swiper, no swiping!”
And magically he stops what he’s doing, says “Oh, man” and leaves. Imagine if every criminal was that easy to discourage. My brother pointed out that this could inadvertently encourage children to say “Sniper, no sniping” which would be a pretty bad idea, considering that the sniper would be much more likely to shoot you in the head as snap his fingers in frustration. But I guess it’s worth a try, huh? Hint: It might be more effective if you know how to ask in both languages, just in case he’s bilingual.
After some trial and error, and repetition, repetition, repetition, she gets where she’s going and we are mercifully treated to end credits. But the song NEVER goes away. Maybe this will help:
The second of our interactive T.V. shows is about a dog named Blue and her human owner, who is the stupidest man on earth. There have actually been two owners of Blue – who you notice gets her name in the title over him, despite being not only a dog, but a cartoon dog. You can’t blame them, though, since Blue is arguably the brightest one. Steve was first, before he left for “college”. Personally, I don’t think he was ready for college. Except maybe clown college.
Never fear, though, for Steve’s brother Joe steps in next. I liked Joe a little better, because he was at least cuter, even if there was a vacancy behind those pretty eyes. Unlike Dora, Steve and Joe – for simplification I’ll call them Stejoe – don’t use a map. That’s way too complicated. Instead they must search for clues; difficult, considering neither of them has one. Blue leaves these clues all over the house and yard in the form of paw prints. This would annoy the heck out of me, but I guess it is better than her leaving “presents” for us instead.
Blue starts the show by leaving clues for kids to follow in order to guess what she’s thinking. Because unlike Lassie, she can’t convey this in yips. Of course she can’t talk – she’s a dog. Everything else can talk, though, including the mailbox, a clock, a bar of soap, a shovel, a pail, a sidetable drawer, and, naturally, the salt and pepper shakers (Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper). (By the way, these two got married and had a baby named Paprika. Don’t ask.)
Blue leaves her clues on various objects, and Stejoe searches for them, often walking into walls, getting confused, and walking into the same wall again. Not really, but this wouldn’t surprise me. The clues are always out in plain sight, but somehow Stejoe just never sees them. This frustrated my youngest daughter so much that by three she was shouting at the T.V. in frustration “It’s THERE. Right THERE! THERE!!!!”
Once Stejoe finally gets the hint, he writes down the clue on a notepad. Because the guy can’t remember squat. Actually, he draws it, because he’s also not so hot at reading or writing. Along the way, he stops and talks to the inanimate objects, who give him advice like “Right in front of your face, you dork.” You know it’s bad when you have less intelligence than the salt shaker.
Once Steve has gathered all the clues, he has kids help him guess the answer. Because trust me, he would never, ever get there on his own. One thing I’ll give him – he was always very polite, even when I answered his questions rather rudely.
The concept of both shows is really not that bad. It’s great to teach kids to look for clues and solve mysteries, and everyone needs to know where they’re going. A few words of Spanish are nice too, for those moments when you must demand that a Spanish person jump. But the repetition is hard on us parents, who spend most of our lives repeating things anyway, to no avail. “Get your shoes. Your shoes. On your feet. Your feet. They’re right there. There!!! Your shoes!” and so on. So obviously repetition is not the answer, since it has never worked for me, so why further punish people? Just get the kids a GPS and a game of Clue and be done with it.
Repetition: Yes Yes Yes
Annoying songs: Yes
Forces interaction for self-preservation: Yes
Didactic: Sing with me!