Dear Blunt Life Coach,
I have some bad news. I think it’s over between us. Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor. And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people. Sometimes they need that. Especially stupid people.
But here’s the thing. Not everyone is stupid! Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean. You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.
Twindaddy is a good guy. He loves his kids. And that’s cool, not wimpy. He cares about people, especially his friends. That’s not a weakness as you say. It’s a strength. The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully. Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift. It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know
What don’t you know? You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force. He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore. Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down. But he knows better now. And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.
We all have one of you in our heads. That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up. Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!) Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down. We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else. There must be, well, balance to our Force.
So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over. And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr! Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills. If not, I have another solution. You see, there is a new love in my life. I think you know him.
HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend. I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know. Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own. He kills annoying people. I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily. Like you, Blunt Life Coach. So here’s the deal. Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.
See ya, you meanie,
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.