Hi, all! You may not remember (I didn’t) but two years ago I wrote a post entitled “Ten Things to Do With a Picked Booger”. It wasn’t that impressive, booger-wise, just a top ten list. This post generated a lot of comments, as most of my highly intellectual posts do, but just the other day it got a new comment! I am always excited to see new comments, especially when they are like this one. I’m not even sure how to describe it. Let’s say it’s better than the comment on the Dragon Tail’s Review post in which I was called a “40-year-old farthead”. See for yourself!
This is my first response to dear Dorman. I have so much to say. First off, thank you for making a simple blogger very happy. I haven’t had such a good laugh in a while. Here are some other questions, off the top of my head.
- What exactly was your “random search”? Was it for boogers? Do you search the Internet looking for posts to grammar check? Specifically booger posts?
- Did you like my fragments there? Feel free to point out other errors. I will save them up in my heart.
- You realize this was a post about boogers, right?
- I do have advanced degrees. I have a B.A. and an M.A. in English and an MLS in Library Science. I like to collect degrees, then completely ignore them.
- Thanks for letting me know that I can improve my comedic timing with a couple of well-placed colons and apostrophes. I bet you are a laugh a minute: really!
- Do and not do not equal don’t. They equal “donot”, or using the proper English spelling, “donut”.
- You aren’t Shakespeare and, thusly, do not sally forth.
- My Corps of Creative Types can beat up your honor student.
If you think this comment was bizarre all by itself, then get ready. I showed this comment to a few people, and my old friend begged to answer it. Ravin’s response was, to my delight, followed by more responses by Dorman. Thank you so much for not just performing a drive-by grammar run. This is much better.
You can check the original post for all the comments at the bottom of the page, though they are unbelievably, and hilariously, long. We are talking my lawyer friend with the genius I.Q. versus a blogger who probably sleeps with a grammar text. This is the kind of thing you just can’t make up.
I do have some quotes I’ll use with proper quotations (or close enough). My friend informed Dorman that I had advanced degrees. Response: “George “Dubya” Bush has “advanced degrees”. You’re misinterpretation of my gentle nudge is sad, and likely testosterone-fuelled.”
I’m wondering how exactly ol’ (see what I did there!) Dorman knew my friend was male, much less infused with lots of testosterone. We’re talking a grammar argument here. These are not generally considered overtly masculine. I’ve never heard Arnold Schwarzenegger engage in one during a fire-fight. I’m not even sure what sex Dorman is, so I’ll just refer to Dorman with the pronoun “it” until I have confirmation.
Here’s some other good ones. Ravin suggested Dorman leave as we were all full up with crazy. Response: “You’re entirely correct: ’cause “aliceatwonderland” is waaaaaaaaaaay overstocked.” Thanks, Dorman! Crazy was exactly what I was aiming for, but you helped!
One last bit from my new friend.
I hope you, my readers, are properly educated by this post. If you glance at the old post, you’ll see that some of you were there! Ah, what a long, twisted, twisted road we’ve walked metaphorically. Anyhoo, please leave comments below. Hopefully Dorman will come back!
P.S. Dorman: My generation was not born with I-Pads and such. We were born in the mid 1970s, so I guess you could call us “flower infants”. How old are you? Congrats on mastering the keyboard!
It’s here, you guys! It’s almost here! That day you spend with irritating people – in line waiting for some toy, most likely an electronic you could have gotten just as cheap months ago. That’s right, forget Thanksgiving, we are just days away from Black Friday, which means you gotta get with it. The stores have. Several released their Black Friday (and Thursday starting at 6pm) ads weeks ago, along with maps like we’re planning some sort of ground assault. Which we are, of course, just like the pilgrims intended.
Some of these stores, like the infamous Toys R Us, have helpfully released toy catalogs so that our children can check off half of it as what they truly, truly NEED. But you can’t get them everything, so it’s best to get them one of the following Top Ten Toys of 2014, lest they abandon you for new, cooler parents and you get to live the rest of your lives
in peace I mean lonely, terribly lonely.
I’ve included links and pictures so you know I’m not making this crap up.
Our first is a Pilgrim Barbie. She’s appropriately skinny, what with the starving they were doing, but I think she might be hoarding a few apples in her top. Next is our Native American Barbie sporting a silky fuschia ensemble with fringe and a huge feather (don’t forget the fringe and feathers!) and of course make-up. Just like the real Indians! Buy them for your kids, and relive history by feeding the dolls then having the Pilgrim barbie make fake treaties with the Native American barbie.
“Tub and Toot” doll does exactly what it says she does. She “toots” in the tub. Yup. That’s pretty much it. Because babies and farts go together like babies and projectile vomiting. I’m waiting for them to make a doll who vomits and spins her head around. Not like they can get weirder . . .
That’s right. “Diaper Surprise”. Frankly, I do NOT ever, ever, ever want to see any sort of surprise coming out of a baby’s diaper. Not ever again. I certainly wouldn’t want to see jewelry coming out in the poop. Nor would I want to wear said jewelry again! What are they encouraging these children to do anyway? God forbid this kid have younger siblings . . . I can just imagine the fallout on that one.
Oh, by the way, there are more charm filled diapers when your kid runs out, only 8 bucks for a pack of three. No, really.
Yes, this is the third baby doll here, but I’ve found them to be some of the weirdest toys on the market. And this one continues our “bodily function” theme we’ve got going. (And this is in the “girls” section guys). Just feed baby some sulfur like baby “food” (about as delicious as the real thing I’m sure) and she get green diapers. I remember changing the green slop (no charms luckily) but why would you want to do this for fun? I mean poop is not something you play with . . . wait.
5. Prank Star Poo Dough (Warning: You can’t unsee this)
We just can’t get away from poop can we? Who needs coal in your stocking, am I right? Huh? The screen shot cut off some, but I’ll fill you in with the entire lovely description:
Make and shape your own poo! Add the Poo Dough to the mold and make your own poo-shaped creations. It includes two canisters of brown Poo Dough (in different shades) and one canister of yellow (to create corn and peanut accessories). It looks like the real thing but smells much better!
Did they just say “corn and peanut accessories”? They did. They totally did. And lest you think this is some adult toy from Spencer’s Gifts, it is actually in stores – in the kid section. That’s where my brother found it. So a big thank you to him. And here’s a real review.
This is what you get when you watch Disney Channel with your kids. Commercials for stuff like this. You can tell just by looking what a sophisticated game this is, but I’ll give you the description anyway.
Gooey Louie is a nose-picking good time for the whole family! When it’s your turn to play, pick Louie’s nose and pull out a gooey. But watch out! If you pull out the wrong booger, he’ll flip his lid. His eyes will pop and his brain will fly out!
Each Gooey Louie game comes with one Gooey Louie head, one jumping brain, one base, 12 gooeys, one rubber band, one die and instructions. This item is recommended for ages 4 and up. It is designed for two or more players.
A free storage bag is included.
After reading about brains popping out and boogers picked (who says you can’t pick your friend’s nose?), all I can ponder is – what is the storage bag for?
7. Chatster doll (She “interacts” in a not-at-all creepy way!)
I had never heard of this doll, but the girls clued me in on it, and boy am I happy they did because I think I’m gonna have nightmares. It’s like they took a tween caricature and shoved it in a doll that is connected to your phone and can really call you. I can’t actually do it justice with a picture, so here’s the commercial. I’d almost rather have the poo maker.
8. Ugglys Electronic Monkey (for the mucus loving kid in your house)
You have my darling Things to thank for many of these. I had no idea. Just – what are they doing to our children, WHAT? This is a toy called an “uggly”. It says it right there. It’s ugly, probably has monkey plague, and it’s terrible at spelling. What ever happened to sticking good old educational Lincoln Logs up your nose, huh?
Oh, yeah, and I was just informed it can burp and fart too. Merry Christmas.
9. Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner (exactly as described)
For the future serial killer, here’s a neat-o toy that lets you create organs and then eat them! Jeffrey Dahmer approved.
Also – I never want to hear “cherry colon cola” ever again.
Okay, the elf on the shelf has been overdone. Most people either hate it, hate it, hate it, or love creating psychological terror in children who just aren’t controlled enough by fear of a magical, invisible fat man. Nope, now the guy has a mole, and he’s in your house, watching your every move. Moving from room to room.
But now it’s gone too far. He’s in the bathroom, guys. Watching you pee and everything. Sure it’s a decal and not the actual doll (though we still get his creepy eyes on the decal, the body wash, and the soap) but STILL. I’m pretty sure it still reports back to Santa. Be afraid.
Okay, so there you have it. We’ve got dollies that fart and poop, play doh poop, fake boogers, organ eating, an electronic stalker doll, a creeper elf, and a couple of historical boobs. Your Christmas list is complete!
Enjoy, and be sure to wear extra padding for defense against the hoards. Just like Barbie.
Some posts take me a while to write. Well, actually it takes me longer for me to find idiot pictures to stick in the middle of my word walls than it does to write the post, but whatever. And then there are posts I throw up in minutes. These are the posts that get lots of response. Naturally. So when I wrote about boogers, (Link Drop!) it should come as no surprise that people liked it. So I figured – that’s what this blog needs. More boogers.
I also felt that my booger post, being so intellectually stimulating, should be submitted to Freshly Pressed. So I submitted it myself by tweeting it on Twitter.
Someone had to do it. Just like when I was playing Goldfish’s madlibs contest and I voted for myself. But I did like some other entries too so I went to another computer and voted for someone else. As it turns out, voter fraud pays off because I won third place! Woot! Check out my badge.
Anyway, sadly I did not receive a response from Freshly Pressed. This made me sadfaced. Clearly booger posts are underrepresented by Freshly Pressed editors. They need to get on the ball with that. But until they do, I have come up with a solution. Yet another badge of my own. This would have been perfect if I had remembered St. Patrick’s Day was Monday and posted it then, because the badge is all green and lucky. Here it is.
I know, the craftsmanship on this baby is awesome. I would have used one of my personal boogers, but it wouldn’t scan very well, so I just made a drawing of its likeness. Cool, huh? Anyway, I’m storing this baby away with my Creeper and Douchecanoe Awards, just in case I find a thoroughly stupid and repulsive, I mean fascinating and intellectual post to give it to some day. Just wait! It might be you!
How do you get picked? Easy, just pick something to write about that’s fun and bouncy, and just a little bit salty. Don’t be shy, just let it all hang out. Or just write about boogers. Or something else disgusting. And then – woot – you can have this baby bestowed upon you. I know. Who could ask for anything more? Except possibly a Kleenex?
Do you guys have any posts worthy of a Freshly Picked nod? If so, send them to me, Alice, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or just link to it in the comments. Or forget all about it. You’ll be glad you did.