No, really, I mean – what? I have been sick a few days with what we Americans, or maybe just Southerners?, call the CRUD. I have a doctor who said that all upper respiratory infections, tonsillitis, bronchitis, laryngitis, oompalitis, etc are basically the same. So I have one of those. I don’t know. But I have been miserable. You know how miserable? Think of those ASPCA puppies and kittens they show you all the time. The ones that look like Hitler just electrocuted their mother right in front of them. They’re shivering, they’re hungry, they’re wondering why people are just filming them and not doing anything. Which I know I AM wondering. Like sheesh, get the puppy a blanket, and some dog chow you fiends. Sheesh.
It occurs to me the puppies might be actors. If so, well done, puppies.
Anyway, I have been just as miserable as those animals, only not nearly as cute. I was chatting with my friend Merbear on my phone and since I now have a Smart Phone . . . yeah. They got me. But not with the latest, greatest literally exploding phones. No, I have an old Samsung, but it still works. Like it lets me take videos of myself lying down and coughing into the phone so I can show my friend just how bad off I am. And she was like, “Have you tried steam?”
And I’m like . . . steam? I mean I have been having respiratory ailments since my teens and I am like now not a teen and I don’t know how many times I’ve used steam both for myself and my Things (kids for any of you newcomers. More on newcomers later) and I hadn’t thought of it yet. So thanks, Mer, I used steam and it helped a little. I still feel like crapsters, though, and I missed more work than I have time allotted for that, which hadn’t happened in a while and was quite annoying. It’s like my illnesses all hang out and try to figure out who gets to like jump me first. No, no, depression it was your turn LAST week, now let’s give stomach a try. No he had it before. What about me, the bladder – you know the one that – er – leaks. Okay, we’ll let you in, because the cough and that leak thing go together. Yay!
Where was I? Oh, right, sick. You know just when you think you have it all under control, one of those guys pops up. Or better, a new one comes in. Remember how in that emo post I wrote last time I mentioned Lice and other Holiday Tales? Well, yeah, lice came to visit. I hate bugs in general, but bugs that are like, ON YOU? Yeah, that’s beyond awful. So we treated Thing Two and then treated her again and then oh whew and then Thing One got it so we treated her and again and then later . . . they were back. Cause Thing One has very thick, curly hair and my husband and I have very little patience for combing with those awful combs that couldn’t go through a doll’s hair. But I had something up my sleeve. Research. That’s what I do, unless, you know, it’s for a post. So I found this comb, and wow it is like the Allah of Combs judging from what must be real reviews because these reviews were super intense. These people have war stories. So I ordered it.
Guess what Amazon Prime is late on getting to my house? Yup. I WANT MY COMB AMAZON.
So things have not been going that well for me. I was afraid I would never be funny again. This was my greatest fear here, not like dying of CRUD which I kinda thought I might a couple times cause holy crap it’s awful. But yeah, it’s humor, you got to have it. And when I wasn’t able to write, well that was lousy – uh – wrong word. But here I am, writing, and I don’t have a plan to it (did you pick up on that yet?) and it only has one pic in it which I had stored but hey I did it. Cause people have been looking at older posts of mine. So then I check them out. And I laugh because I like my own stuff. But also because it is memories of my life, like with my kids, my work, with me. And the sicks aren’t going to get me. Okay they will, but not like forever there will be days when I’m not sick of some sort! Or have bugs! Possibly! But also if I don’t write then I will not get to expose the really stupid people who have lately been commenting on my old posts. Do you remember booger guy? The one who corrected my grammar on a post about boogers? Well, there’s more of that kind of snot, get ready.
Eventually. Because there are people extremely concerned about my virtual family, a heretical Christmas song post, my knowledge of Sophia the First. Etc. But at any rate, I am trying. So the best thing you could do is not say you are sorry for me because life is life. We all have crap. Heck, our whole country got one big piece of it today, but I didn’t see any of it, or care, cause I was sick. So there are some good things about sick, I guess.
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I am sick. Bronchitis. I think. I’m not actually sure. I went to that doctor place (If you will recall last fall I wrote all about it and included instructions on how to make your own yurt out of the paper they put on the examining tables. You’re welcome.) and the sort-of doctor (they call them nurse practitioners) listened to my chest. I informed him that my chest always sounds good when I have pneumonia like I did last fall. He prescribed me antibiotics and had a nurse give me two shots – one in each cheek. Not my face cheeks.
At the SAME TIME, several states away, my psychic twin, Merbear, experienced tingling in her bum cheeks. Coincidence? I think not. If we can just get our evidence together, we are totally going to get a spot in a Time Life book, provided they ever make one again.
Anyway, he didn’t feel the need to tell me what was wrong and I didn’t feel the need to ask. Meds. Woot. The promise of lifting the brick off my chest. I liked that idea. I’m not sure why I keep getting sick. It could be the asthma and allergies and the fact that I am allergic to the entire planet. Or that thick layer of dust that lays on my blinds. And my chest of drawers. And the entertainment center. And the floor. I looked at that a lot while I was lying in bed and pondered this. Then I went to sleep.
I missed some work, but now I am back and fit as a fiddle, which really isn’t fit if you think about it. A fiddle is kinda pear shaped, which is better than apple shaped, but still not exactly model potential here. I think you’d need a flute for that. But I’m here. I slept relatively well thanks to codeine which was brought to me by Jeremiah the bullfrog. I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink the cough syrup.
What was I saying? Yes. I am at work. I am here. I think. A student walked in and out and later my boss asked if he was here and I was like, um, yes. I mean no. Wait – who? Did I imagine him? Possible. I’m going to go with yes. I said yes. I am slowly sliding out of my chair.
Earlier I tried to print something. I sent one page to the printer. I thought I did. Instead the printer decided to print the entire document, which is a very large document, so I said “Stop it,” and smacked the cancel button. After spitting out three more pages, it stopped. Good. So I tried sending the one page again. And it started printing the entire document. Again. So I started smacking the cancel key, again, and this time I was really getting personal. “Stop it! Stop itttttt! Now, now, now, you stupid printer!” And it stopped, because it ran out of paper. So I put more in. And then it started up again, spitting out the entire document, only this time starting all over again at the beginning.
I hit cancel again and turned it off, and then on. That solves everything. I hit enter, and guess what it did? If you guessed tried to print the entire document again, you win! I mashed the button, and said some more choice words, and might have done a little dance of Anger. At some point, it finally decided to print out just one page, the page I wanted in the first place. And then I realized I really only needed to just write down one sentence from that page and it would have been fine. This whole time my boss had been watching me. I’m not sure if I was entertaining her, or if she was just too nervous to intervene.
I might not be ready for work. My head feels like it is filled with cotton. I keep sliding out of my chair. I stare at the screen and see tiny pixels dance across it. I swear the codeine had to have worn off by now. Where am I? I don’t even remember driving here exactly. Soon I will go downstairs and serve coffee in the library coffee shop. Why? I don’t know. That doesn’t make sense when I’m well. I am certain they will appreciate the extra cough with the coffee. Do you get it? I don’t either.
It is 10:45 AM. I only have to make it till 5 PM. What time is it now?