The other day I was talkin’ with one of my Yankee friends (that’s Southern for Northerners) and she had never heard of the chain of stores called Hastings. I thought everyone had. Then it occurred to me that not everyone was Southern, and even more bizarre, not everyone was from TEXAS since as most of you know we are the capital of the United States. Or our own country. We can’t decide. There’s been six flags over us, and we’re ready to add more.
So this morning I thought of a list of stuff that I think is relatively unique to the South, or at least to Texas since that’s the only Southern state I’ve lived in (it’s the only state I’ve lived in, but nevermind). Yeah, Texas gets a lot of flack, but that is why we have Mississippi and Alabama, to make us look good. (Sorry people in Mississippi and Alabama – I know there are some hold-outs there that are not, in fact, Gator hunters).
So here’s my list so far. If you know what I’m talking about here, let me know in the comments.
Cotton-Eyed Joe – and the dance that goes with it
Pick-up Trucks – almost everyone has one and most of them have never hauled ANYTHING.
Boots n’ Jeans – most of the people in boots have never been on a ranch like ever.
Guns, Guns, Guns – fun bumper sticker: “You can take my guns bullets first.”
People who still wave the Confederate flag
Soft drinks are Coke whether they are Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or actual Coke.
Six Flags Over Texas – Do you know what they are? Besides a theme park. Yes it’s a theme park.
Cadillac Ranch – not an actual ranch but there are planted Cadillacs. Really.
Church on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday (plus other Bible studies too!)
Chicken-fried Steak (this is the best food evah)
Texas is still the biggest state because Alaska is mostly ice.
Smack in the middle of this conservative state is a capital so liberal even I think they’re weird.
“Texas” the musical, which is totally not a rip-off of “Oklahoma” the musical.
FOOTBALL is the only sport.
Dust Bowl – it’s not just for The Great Depression anymore!
The Panhandle – notice how the top of the state is like a handle to a really messed up pot?
Palo Duro Canyon – it’s a big hole, but it’s OUR big hole.
Mexicans are considered a minority despite being a majority.
We can secede at any time, watch us. No really, we’re gonna. Hey, guys, we’re leaving! Um, guys?
Every small child wishes they lived in Oklahoma when it’s time to draw the state. Really, who thought up those borders?
Long, long stretches of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Okay, so that’s what I’ve got for now. I’m sure I’ll think up other things – and you can TOO though it won’t be as good if you are not from TEXAS. Sorry.
Also a shout-out to my buddy Merbear who is having a contest where you can win a Beatles book that was touched by her hands and everything and you should really want it. It’s easy, you just take a song lyric and do something with it, like draw something lame in Paint. If you’re me, that is. You really don’t want me to win this by default, because I will still rub it in everyone’s face. Cause Texas.