In light of recent events (like everything), I have made a monumental decision. I have decided to leave the human race.
I’m going to become a house cat. Note I am referring to “house” cats here, as in cats who don’t have to work the streets and stuff. How? I have a plan for it and everything. No need for you to know it.
Why? Simple. I’ve got a list.
1 Cats aren’t worried about human stuff like bills, the “P” word, bombs, Justin Bieber, or food. All they need is supplied for them by the human. If the human is slow, you only need to rub its leg or lay on the floor showing your belly. I have tried this as a human to get my husband to fix supper for me, but it was ineffective.
2 Cats don’t have spouses, and they kick their kids out as soon as they can sort of see and walk. They don’t even have to potty-train them.
3 Cats don’t have to go to work. Their job involves looking cute until fed, then ignoring everyone around them. This is sometimes allowed at work meetings, but otherwise they expect you to actually produce something. Eventually.
4 75 percent of shows on the Internet are about cats. They never run out of programming. They can even become stars simply by looking grumpy. I have yet to be paid for this, yet I do it very well.
5 Cats are allowed to sleep 16 hours a day and no one calls them lazy. They can even curl up and sleep in someone’s lap. This is often frowned upon if you are a human, especially if you are not related in some way to the lap.
6 Cats can do whatever they want. If they want to stick their butt in your face, they can do it. If they want to stomp on your keyboard, they can do it. If they want to pee on your laundry, they can do it. Try doing this as a human, and see how well it works.
7 No chores for cats. The human will clean mess up for you, even the toilet. All that hair you shed on a regular basis? The human. You don’t even have to thank them, or acknowledge their existence. Like children and spouses in a typical human family.
8 You never need to take a shower, cause you have a tongue for that! That sort of behavior might land you in a mental hospital as a human, but is totally normal for a cat. (I’m not sure I would like this one as much, unless I was a cat. Then who cares? Look at my butt!)
9 Cats can just zip off any time they want, and not return for hours, and no one questions it. The last time I tried this, the people at work were super annoyed at me.
10 Cats don’t have to worry about the rest of the world, because they have already peed on their part of it to make sure it’s secure. Humans could solve so many problems this way, if they just stuck to their own porches and litter boxes.
And that is why I want to be a house cat. I’ll let you know how it works out. Or not, because if I succeed, I will no longer care. I’ll be eatin’ my vittles in front of the computer until I fall asleep in someone’s lap. That is the life.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year . . . .
– The Rembrandts
I realize the above image has been used quite a bit, but I really can’t think of a better way to describe today. My alarm went off, and my brain said . . .
And that was pretty much the only intelligible thing it produced. No. Go back to sleep. You has not had the sleeps and you cannot the function. On a good day I figure my brain is working at about half capacity, which is half of the one/tenth or whatever we use of our brains. I’m not sure what we do with the rest of our brains. Probably look at cat gifs.
I kept hitting snooze. My counselor once said “Do you think maybe you are afraid one day you might just not go to work? As in, not even call in. Just not show up.” Do I?
But I got up. Somehow. And I did the whole morning thing that I griped about in that other post called . . . um . . . crap, I forget. “Bunch of Whining”, maybe. The girls laughed. Yay, Mommy is out of her mind and can’t form complete sentences! You are so funny, Mommy! Yes, yes, this is totally a joke. WTF, where am I?
So now I am at the work, and I’m being extremely productive in that I managed to find Google Images and raid my thingy that has the images stored in it on WordPress my um, oh the media library. Library, of course I would forget that word. And people have insisted on talking to me, as if I am somehow capable of understanding human speech at this point. They also have the audacity to be happy for some reason.
Part of my problem as I think I said before was that I am not sleeping well. Next month I’m having a sleep study done which should make a fascinating post. And then I put on the electrodes. And I drooled. Etc. Anyway, since I couldn’t sleep, I was watching TLC and there was this show on called “Extreme Cougar Wives” and I’m like so there’s an age difference that’s not really that OMG THAT LADY IS 90 AND HER BOYFRIEND IS 47. How is she even still you know, I don’t, no, this should not be happening!
I had another post planned for today, but I forgot to write it. It was about how to get rid of a body, saying you needed to do this at some point. I’m not saying I would. But it was inspired when DJ wrote this supposedly fictional post about this psycho killer (warning: contains psycho killer, awesome creepiness, and DJ) and after reading it all I could think was that, hey, where did the guy put the body? And so we had this long back and forth about it, and maybe I’ll tell you about that tomorrow. I do know that his mother was slightly concerned for DJ’s mental state, which I found absolutely hilarious. Until this morning when I woke up like this:
So . . . there you go. Much like a Stephenie Meyer novel, I have no idea what I just wrote. Enjoy. Have the fun of the blog post is interesting read.