Very Merry Unbirthday… part 2
And now the conclusion to Not Quite Alice‘s Mad Tea Party . . . If you missed part one, see here.
I’m not exactly sure how it happened really, it just did. One moment, everyone is enjoying the party, and the next thing I know, it’s chaos. No, that’s wrong. I can tell you what went wrong. Hatter and the March Hare, that’s what went wrong. I made sure they didn’t know about it, that everyone’s invitations said to keep mum about it, yet somehow, they still found out. I’m completely laying the blame at their jam covered feet.
It was a nightmare. That god forsaken doorbell kept ringing, and yet no one seemed to hear it. I tried to ignore it, but alas, it was blasted annoying. It wouldn’t stop, and yet I know I do not have a doorbell in this garden. It feels as if I’m tipping the scales in favor of being mad. Oh I hope not.
Just as I started to try very hard to ignore the dratted doorbell, I saw the look on Caterpillar’s face. He was about to go off on a rant. I could see it coming. Oh please, not now Caterpillar, not now. Oh, this is not going to be good. I best go try to intervene. I can only guess what Rabbit said to him. Oh no, it’s not Rabbit. How did the one Twin get to be next to him? I swear he wasn’t there a moment ago. Why is he bumping his stomach into him? Caterpillar does not like being touched. And there he goes, his face just changed to red.
“Who are you to be touching me? Do not touch me you child. You shall see my wrath if you continue.”
As he spoke, you could see the pieces of spittle flying out of his mouth, as well as the puffs of smoke he was blowing into the Twin’s face. This ended up blinding the twin. Yes, a bumbling fool became more of one due to being blinded by Caterpillar’s spit and smoke. Trying to wipe his eyes, he bounces right into Caterpillar again, who kicked him away. This caused him to fly into Rabbit and the table. Rabbit took off at a run. To where, you might ask. Nowhere in particular, just around the table, but boy was he in a hurry.
At this point, I’m still hearing the doorbell; I cannot take it anymore and have to find it. I leave the chaos of the blinded twin and startled Rabbit behind and start looking. I go to the gate, where anyone might logically think to find something, yet nothing is there. Weird, even the door of the gate is no longer there. How odd. So I start around the cottage (yes I live in a cottage, it’s a step up from a shack, and I don’t need a mansion). Again, nothing there. Wait, that’s not true, there are footprints there, but those could be from anyone. I best leave those alone and keep looking.
As I continue looking around the other side of the cottage, I hear the noise coming from the garden at an increasingly louder pitch, and with more of a sound of hysteria attached. This shall not be good at all. I give up hope of finding the dratted doorbell sound, and now the missing garden gate, and start walking faster towards the garden, after all, I was told ladies do not run, just walk at a much faster pace.
And then I saw it, pure and utter chaos in the form of Hatter and March Hare. Blast it all. Bullocks, this was not suppose to happen, and at my Unbirthday party. I started seeing red, lots and lots of red, like the color of the blood that was about to flow from those two.
Why was this going to happen? Oh, you would feel the same way in my shoes. My cute dainty pumps. Actually, you look like you wouldn’t fit them, so I best not use that phrase, instead I’ll say if you were in my place. Yes, if you were in my place, you would want to spill their blood too.
What I saw as I reentered the garden was unbelievable. The Caterpillar was so enraged; he was bright red and sputtering like a boiling tea pot. The Rabbit was still sprinting around the tea table, but now, it looked he was having balance issues. He kept slipping and sliding, like he was on one of those funny slip n slide games. And his vest is now covered in jam. I know I hid that jam too. Goodness me. This is not good. The twin is still bumping into everything, wait, no; he stopped, and now he is rolling around like a large awkward ball. He is going to hurt someone, if not himself.
Further down, you see the White Knight sound asleep. Thank goodness for miracles, sadly that’s where it ends. The Carpenter and Walrus are in the middle of a serious row. In fact, my lovely scones that I worked so hard on, are being flung across the table as weapons. They’re not weapons, they’re food. So flaky and moist and just dying for some clotted cream. Not to be launched as projectiles.
Right in the middle of all of that, I hear some yelling.
“Clean cup, everybody move down. Clean cup, I need a clean cup.”
There’s Hatter, yelling for a clean cup, and he’s literally pushing people out of their chairs. Ok, I admit that there really are not many left in their chairs, just the White Knight. Sadly I have been mistake, he’s now out of his chair, and sleeping on the ground. Hatter is sitting in his place, drinking his tea. March Hare is right beside him tossing jam like it’s confetti at Rabbit, wait, no that’s stopped, he’s now throwing it at flying scones. Jam is landing on everyone and everything.
Oh goodness, there goes Caterpillar, he’s leaving, well and also leaving a trail of smeared butter, cream, and jam. So that’s how Rabbit looked like he was having balance issues, but how did butter and cream end up on his feet? That will have to stay a mystery for now I’m afraid as I don’t have time to deal with all these mysteries as well as the growing chaos.
I do mean chaos too. There is a trail of jam, butter, and clotted cream leading out of the garden, as well as it being smeared everywhere. I have scones flying across the table as if they were grenades. The Hatter and March Hare are now dancing on the table, why, I’m not really sure, but again, that’s a mystery I cannot solve at the moment, no time. Rabbit is sprinting around and around and around my table while sliding every which way thanks to his butter and cream covered feet. Over there is the White Knight, sound asleep with a blanket of discarded food and condiments on top of him. I don’t see how this could get more out of hand.
“Not Quite Alice, what is the meaning of this? I thought you had invited me to a tea party, not the circus.”
Bullocks, it just got worse.
“Hello Duchess, I’m so pleased you could make it, won’t you take a seat?”
I knew I should have listened to Alice, and not held a tea party on a day ending in Y.
Very Merry Unbirthday… part 1
Hullo, all. I have another guest blogger today, with the most fabulous name ever. Not Quite Alice of myrabbitholes. I know, right? TWO Alices. How are you going to tell us apart? I’ll give you a clue. One of us is nuts, and the other one is crazy. So there you go. She’s written a nice little short story about a tea party she tried to have on my blog. It went about as well as most of my family dinners. Also many of my work meetings. It comes in two parts, so stay tuned tomorrow for the rest. Enjoy.
“Clean cup! Move down!”
Oh good lord, not again. How did I get myself into this one? I could have sworn they were not invited. No, I know that they were not invited. I specifically ignored sending them an invite. This was my party, not theirs. I do not care if they have the best tea ever, they always manage to ruin every tea party. Case in point, this one.
It all started off normal. Ok, yes I know it usually does. I should know better by now. Really, I should, I swear I’m too naïve at times.
So the invites went out, ignoring the 2 party crashers (ok they weren’t crashers until they showed up uninvited, but this was my Unbirthday and they ruined the last one.). The tea was ordered, the scones were made, and the butter and jam hidden. That looks about right. Oh, one more thing, almost forgot. There, that’s better. I had to make sure that there were cups at each person’s setting. I cannot have that happen again. Clean cups and saucers for all.
Ok, that should do it. Everyone shall be here soon. Let the party begin!
And cue the doorbell!
No, it actually did just start ringing, which is odd in and of itself, I don’t have a door bell, this is outside, in the garden. So where did the doorbell come from? Ok, I’ll worry about that later, it’s not as if I’m utterly bonkers. I hope.
Guests! There here!
Places everyone, places.
What am I thinking? I am the one that needs to take their place. Should I sit down, or should I greet? Oh my, I don’t want anything to go wrong. It cannot go wrong this time. Not with the Duchess coming. At least, she said she will be coming. Oh I hope she does.
Oh please go good. Please!
There’s that doorbell again. Seriously, when did a doorbell get installed in the garden? No time for that now though, I need to get this party going.
Where is the party going? Oh never you mind that. It’s here, right here in my garden. Don’t you worry about that. Time to start the party.
In walked the Caterpillar, though is that what you would call what he does? Is it walking? Oh I don’t know, but I’ll call it walking for now. Goodness, he brought that God awful Hookah with him again. Can he not go anywhere without smoking that. He also goes on and on about the alphabet and vowels, and asking ridiculous questions that have no proper answers when he is smoking it. I do not need my guests to have to deal with that. I could have sworn I put it on his invitation that this will be a smoke free party.
“Oh do go sit over there, I set up a rather large stool for you, I didn’t know if you could fit into the chair properly.”
And off he goes to the large bean bag style stool I had just received in the mail yesterday. I bought it just for him. He’ll break my chairs otherwise.
Goodness! Where does that blasted doorbell keep coming from? I swear, it’s going to drive me utterly bonkers.
Oh look! It’s the Knave of Hearts. I must keep an eye on him, last time he was around, my tarts disappeared. Oh I hope my scones don’t disappear, they are my favorites and I worked so hard to bake them too. I did invite him though, so best be nice. I just didn’t think he would actually arrive. Ok, control yourself, you can do it. Do not start hiding the food. You can do it. Good girl.
“You best sit down over here, Caterpillar brought the Hookah again, and I know how you cannot stand his rants. “
“I could always just steal that Hookah from him.”
“Don’t even, then that’s all we shall be hearing about for the rest of this Unbirthday. I would like this one to go without a problem.”
I do hope he got the hint, don’t steal my food. How very rude of a guest to do that.
Again! That annoying doorbell. Where the frak is it coming from?
Oh, look, there’s one of the twins, is it Dee or Dumb? Oh, I can never tell the difference between the two. I swear, one is Dumb and the other is Dumber. It’s very fitting. Neither is very smart, they’re actually quite lacking in the brains department, but at least they’re entertaining to have at any gathering. Though, I still do not know which this one is.
Best go see who it is.
“Well, I’m so glad you could make it. Is it just you, or is your brother going to be joining us as well?” (see how slick that was, I hope he gets the hint.)
“That jolly lump is on his way, yet which way it is, I do not know. Perhaps it’s there, or is it here? It could be that a way, or is it this a way?”
Oh sweet sugar, what is he talking about? And he didn’t answer who he is, now I’m just going to have to pretend I know who it is. I wonder if he will actually notice I do not know who he is, or what he is saying? Honestly, I don’t think anyone knows what he is saying.
Oh look, there’s the white knight. He’s such an interesting person, not much of a knight, but a great inventor. I still don’t understand why he became a knight, except he said his father was one, therefore he had to be one. Poor guy, he’s not very brave, this is definitely the wrong line of work for him. He’s better at creating inventions. Perhaps I shall mention this annoying doorbell that keeps going off out here in my garden.
“Good day Sir White Knight, how are you?”
“And exactly who are you again? I don’t recall ever being here before. Where is here?”
“I do believe that you were going to this chair right here. Do take a seat sir, all will be well. Enjoy your tea.”
Great, he’s in one of those moods today. I swear he remembers less and less each time I see him. Honestly, I’m surprised he found his way here, or even remembered that he was to come here.
“Does anyone else hear a doorbell going off?” I cannot help it, I have to ask. I keep hearing it, and no one else seems to. And then the stares start, at least it’s only 4 sets of eyes though. I couldn’t take it if it was more than that just staring at me like I’ve lost my marbles. How could I? I have not had marbles with me this whole time anyways.
I do believe I see the White Rabbit arriving. Late as usual. I swear, he needs to get a working watch. He is always running late. I am half expecting that he will not stay long and run off saying he is late, again. Tis a good thing I have his place all set already.
“Oh good, you’re here Rabbit. I have a place all over here for you. Caterpillar cannot wait to talk to you today.”
That will start to teach him about being on time. From now on, I’ll make sure he sits by Caterpillar until he comes on time. He had best be glad I didn’t sit him near the one twin. Such a nervous little guy too. You’d think he was about to lose his head. Goodness me.
Oh look, there’s the Walrus and the Carpenter. I’m surprised that they came together. Last I heard, the Carpenter was livid with Walrus for eating all those oysters. And they’re suppose to be such good friends too! I’m glad Walrus isn’t my good friend, but he does have a lively aura about him, such fun to have around. Still, if he was my friend, I might have, no, I definitely would have gotten back at him.
“Gentlemen, I’m so glad you could make it today. Do come and enjoy. You’ll find some empty chairs right over here. Let me know if I can get you anything.”
Just don’t kill each other today, save it for when you leave. Please.
It doesn’t look like the Duchess is coming, so I guess we best get things started. I can take my place at the table now.
“Thank you everyone for coming to celebrate my Unbirthday with me today. You have made this a most joyous occasion. Please, everyone, enjoy your tea and scones, and let me know if you need anything.”
And with that, the calm ended.
Don’t forget to come back tomorrow for the exciting and possibly bloody conclusion!
Who are YOU?
|Don’t do drugs, kids|
`Who are YOU?’ said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’
`What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!’
`I can’t explain MYSELF, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, `because I’m not myself, you see.’
-Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Who are you? A very good question, indeed. And, like Alice, not one that is so easily answered. I would have thought that by my mid-thirties, I would know the answer to this question, but I’ve yet to figure it out. If anything, I’ve only added more roles. Daughter, sister, student, teacher, girlfriend, wife, daughter-in-law, mother, serf, librarian, mental health patient, etc. It doesn’t help when you’re being questioned by a rude, smoking caterpillar. I hate those guys.
I could answer by name, but even that’s not clear, as I have more than one last name. Would you like my maiden name or my married name? I remember receiving a letter from the Social Security Office just after my wedding demanding that I change my card because my former self no longer existed. It actually said that. The old, pre-married me had ceased to exist, and now I was known only by the name of the goofball I’d just married. Curiouser and curiouser.
|An identity stolen by thousands in Las Vegas alone|
When do we form identity? Do we ever actually form our own identities? When my eldest daughter was born, the old Social Security Office was after us again. Where was her SS number? Obviously children are supposed to be born with this nine digit number tatooed on their foreheads. So we quickly labeled our daughter with a number so she could be like the others in the hive. But these numbers are hardly secure identifiers, as they can be stolen. Identity theft is very prominent these days. Yes, it’s not just the government that takes your identity, it’s Joe Smoe off the street who wants to buy 3,000 issues of Hustler and a burrito with your credit card.
All our lives, we struggle with this. How do we fit in our families? Are you the golden child or the black sheep, the baby or the eldest or the dreaded middle child? Did your sister get called the pretty one while you got the “nice personality” consolation prize? What about when you left the security of home for school? Were you a cheerleader or a football player, or were you a member of the chess team? And there’s work, too. Once again, are you the cheerleader, the smart one, the black sheep, or do you have that good old “nice personality”? Who are YOU?
It’s even more complicated after you marry and start your own family. Now you’ve got relationships in your first family (you are ALWAYS a kid to your parents, accept it), and in your second (sometimes I wish the word Mommy had never been invented). If you divorce, you get even more relationships and identities. A world of fun! Not to mention an adventure at Christmas time.
Yet with all these relationships, all these roles, with everything else removed, there is you. Who are YOU, and YOU alone? Do you like yourself? Do you want more from your life? Are you satisfied with where you are, with how you feel when you are all alone (if you ever get that lucky chance). It’s something many of us don’t ask until it’s almost too late, and we realize we’ve lived only for these other roles, and never for our own. I don’t want that to happen to me.
|How’s about a girl’s night out where we LIVE???|
So who am I? I don’t know yet. But I’m finding out. It’s a journey, and one that I can only hope involves girlfriends and road trips – though not of the Thelma and Louise type.