*Post number something or other in the Blog-a-Day Challenge*
Hey you guys are not going to believe this. Well, yes you will. Le Clown has a press release section. It’s full of blog posts praising him. (I have one in there – actually I’m mostly being whiny that he got pressed and I didn’t but kudos for putting it in there anyhoo.) But here’s the deal. Alice does not have lots of posts created purely to praise her.
Oh, sure, I get plenty of awesome comments that are awesome (and I need a thesaurus) but entire posts? Not nearly that many! (Okay, I remember these by you Speaker, and Stork Hunting, and Ravin, and if I’m forgetting anyone write me a comment or just write nasty posts about me thanks. But this takes away from my experience of gross injustice, so shhh for now, kay?) Anything a burning clown can do, I can do better. So I think I’ll start my own press release section. The only problem is that I don’t have very many releases at this point. No matter. Alice can compensate.
(As an aside, did you notice that sometimes Alice speaks in third person? She contracted her illness from Le Clown who contracted it from Elmo.)
I’m always seeing posts about how to improve your blog, and this seems like the way to do it. And as I always say, if at first you don’t succeed in suckering people into writing you posts, cheat. So I have. Here are some excerpts. Check it out.
“Alice is the best blogger I have ever met. I want to marry her blog and have bloggy babiezz.” – SomeFancyPressedBlog
“Alice is so inspiring, I have decided to stop drinking and start doing acid.” – Ernest Hemingway
“After reading Alice’s blog, I figured out that I have no talent and should never, ever write another book so help me God. Thanks, Alice!” – E.L. James
“We can’t believe we have not freshly pressed Alice’s blog. We are so ashamed. From now on we will wear bags over our heads.” – WordPress
“After reading this blog, my leprosy was healed!” – LepersRpeople2blog
“Alice, this may sound crazy, but call me, maybe?” – David Hasselhoff
“I’m adding this blog to my blog club because it is so totally authentic and not at all filled with shallow lies!” – Oprah
“I never thought I’d find work again, but then Alice’s blog came along and now I am slightly less likely to break my own leg” – Sad Pony
“I thought I was totally messed up, and then I saw Alice’s blog. I feel much better now.” – The Mad Hatter
See? It’s easy to find praise if only you don’t care much about honesty or sanity! All that crap about cheaters never prosper? Pffft. They just didn’t want you to cheat and get all the really cool stuff that cheaters get. Like fabulously famous blogs like mine.
So remember, kids, it pays to cheat. It also pays to endlessly harass clowns. Although only his friends get to harass him, which means any trolls that say nasty things are going to have to deal with Alice, who if you might remember, defeated the freaking Jabberwock. You’ve been warned.
This has been my PSA for today. You’re welcome.
Guess what? I just figured out that this whole write a post in November thing is not an original idea thought up by Jen that was then copied by Speaker which was then copied by me (and several others). Turns out that WordPress is talking about it like it’s some sort of thing, like, you know, my idea of writing a novel in a month or whatever. Good thing that’s not taken.
They’re calling it NaBloPoMo which is not nearly as cool as Honey Boo Boo whatsit or Blogvemberfester, or whatever our name was. NaBloPoMo sounds like the sound I make when I eat too much Taco Bell and have to go throw up.
Well, now I’m just bummed, because here I thought Jen (of Jen and Tonic!) had this fabulous idea and like, she and Speaker (of Speaker7!) and I were sort of The Three Musketeers. Not the candy bar, the three guys with the matching smocks and the swords. Only we’d be the three gals and have way better fashion sense. But now that’s all gone to hell. Thanks a lot, WordPress, for ruining what was left of my innocence after 50 Shades destroyed 95 percent of my soul.
But all is not lost. You see, WordPress and . . . wtf, BlogHer is doing this too? What? We’re in with the mommy bloggers? Crap in a hat, guys. Nevermind. We are still original here, because most of these people have rules and stuff for their blog challenges. Like that there should be real posts or something. At least I’m guessing that because WordPress is a pain like that. You know, like don’t try to bait us to your blog by putting the crappy challenge du jour in your tags. Killjoys.
But we laugh in the face of rules. We say “vagina” and call senators “turdface”. We write posts without pictures of food or recipes for cookies. We put little balloons over photos and have politicians tell everyone they’re tools. We explain why people are stupid and vote stupidly (not that I’m saying how you should vote or anything but for crying out loud not Republican). We put squirrels in our posts. We review idiot books about buttplugs. This is edgy stuff, guys.
That’s right, WordPress. We’re a team. Well, except I don’t have my blue sticker yet. I just thought I’d point that out, since you seem to have not noticed my blog out of the bazillions of other blogs. Sad Pony is sad about this. He told me I should put a My Little Pony horsehead™ in your inbox. He’s been through a lot, sorry.
Anyway, there was a point here. I forget. Crap. Look at that! Squirrel!
I am pumped, people! It’s day one of the write a post a day in October! Wait – it’s November. Whatever. I also forgot the complete name of the challenge. But that’s okay, because I am focused, guys. I have this thing in the bag!
Now all I have to do is write a post. It should be interesting. I just know I have an idea somewhere. Now what was I going to write about?
I, uh, think people don’t fully appreciate nothing. We can’t be everything all the time. So someone or something has to be nothing. It’s simple Physics. Like how eventually this post must end but I don’t know how to . . . hey, look at that! Squirrel!
As you probably know, WordPress offers a weekly writing challenge. I thought I might try it out, because hey it’s a blog post and they hang that “FP” carrot over your head so effectively and I am not obsessed about that at all. Anyway, I need some help deciding what to do. Here is the challenge:
So this week, we challenge you to step outside your blogging box and try something totally different:
- If you normally write non-fiction, try fiction.
- If you normally write fiction, try poetry.
- If you normally post photos, try writing.
- If you normally just write, try including photos.
Well, I write posts with photos and writing, so nothing different there. My fiction’s too long to post, and my poetry? Hahahahaha. Once they made me write a poem at a church ladies’ retreat. They thought I’d be great what with my English degrees. Here is what I came up with:
Roses are Red / Violets are Blue / Jesus is great / And so are You.
Fabulous, I know. On the plus side, they never asked me to write poetry again. Anyway, they do offer some more suggestions below. I added my own commentary to it:
Need a little more guidance? Check out these post types, and pick one. Don’t opt for something that seems immediately doable; go with something you’ll have to work at a bit:
- That’s pretty much every post.
- Short fiction
- I don’t write short fiction. Fiction yes, but not short. Some of my blog posts could count as “creative nonfiction” which I define as making up facts whenever they suit me to prevent actual research. Example: Canada is our largest state.
- A day in the life
- How bored do you want to get?
- Instructions on doing/making something
- I could do a cooking post. Those are popular. But I’m not sure if someone really wants to read the back of a “Hamburger Helper” box.
- Top ten lists
- I’ve written lists of stuff I hate before. I don’t remember if there were ten of them or not.
- An open letter
- I wrote an open letter to WordPress, but they never wrote back. Hmmph.
- An explanation of a topic you know a lot about
- I know a lot about a lot of stupid, useless stuff. I can’t think of anything at the moment, though, because 50 Shades has wiped my mind. Wait, I know about 50 Shades! That’s so sad!
- A walk down memory lane
- This way you can be bored by my past too.
- A rant
- Again, pretty much every post.
- News/current event analysis
- Ack, then I would have to watch the news. I’d rather watch The Exorcist than any speech by Romney or his sidekick Ryan.
- A book, movie, or music review
- I’ve done book reviews. God, have I done book reviews. But not movie or music yet. I love writing reviews, though, so I guess that’s not stepping out of my comfort zone.
Yeah, so anyway, what do you think? What would be out of my “comfort zone”? Do I have a “comfort zone”? If so, why would I want to leave it? I’m just so confused. I ask you Freshly Freshly Pressed peoples for assistance, for you are the chosen ones. And I’m sure you know why they chose the particular posts they chose rather than the millions of other wonderful posts you have written before. Not like there is anything random about it at all.
Any suggestions? If so, feel free to use the comment section below. Or don’t. See if I care.
P.S. Yes I do care. Comments please. Or I’ll keep drawing carrots. I might even write a carrot poem.