An Alice Valentine’s Day Special
Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!
I just realized yesterday that Valentine’s Day was today. That’s how special this day is to me, you guyz. So I figured since I’d done a special on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, that I might as well do one for Valentine’s Day as well. Even though it’s a suck holiday, it’s still a holiday. I mean, there’s a Charlie Brown special for it and everything.
Remember the Charlie Brown special? I don’t. Except that there was this little red headed girl he liked that didn’t know he existed. And I’m pretty sure no one gave him any Valentines. Because that kid’s life sucked. He probably spent most of his free time plotting how to get even. I’d like to write a sequel where he sends Lucy a Valentine filled with Anthrax or something.
Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine. We’ll see who messes with the football now . . .
Whoops, this post suddenly turned dark. Sorry about that. Speaking of dark, do you like dark chocolate? Why? It’s not sweet. I don’t get that.
Where was I? Oh, right, Valentine’s Day. Well, maybe I should give you some of the history behind this historic day. You see, there was this guy named Saint Valentine. He was a saint because he suffered for years stamping tiny little messages on the most horrible candy ever invented – those little candy hearts. I hate those things.
Does ANYONE actually like these candies?
After a while, it started getting to him, all the “Lover Boy”, “Call Me”, and “UR Kind” messages. He figured there had to be something better than that. So he invented the greeting card. These cards had sappy poems and messages of love that couldn’t fit on a tiny piece of chalk-like candy. They usually had pictures of roses on the cover, and cost more than a gallon of milk, which would arguably last much longer but somehow is not as romantic.
But after a while, Valentine got bored with the cards too, so he let his brother-in-law, Saint Hallmark, take over while he sought out the next best thing. Something that was more useless than cards or chalk candy, and killed a living thing for no real reason. Flowers! Yes, he plucked those suckers up out of the ground and stuck them in a vase and charged like 50 bucks a pop for the things. Saint Valentine was a genius.
Hey, remember how these flowers were living? I fixed that.
Later, he dabbled in real candy, like chocolate. People liked chocolate a lot better. Yet they still buy those little stamped candies for some unknown reason. They also buy flowers and cards. Well, the men do, because they know that the women in their lives will get seriously pissed if they don’t. It really doesn’t matter if we like chocolate or roses or cards. We just want them because, well, Cosmo tells us that if we don’t get them, our guy is not that into us. It’s in a quiz and everything.
Also, and this is only a theory, but there are some who thinks Saint Valentine was really a woman in disguise. She came up with this holiday to bring about the doom of men who had already forgotten to buy birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents for their sweethearts. Is it true? Is any of this? Heck if I know. That reminds me – I forgot to get my husband anything for this dumb holiday. Hey, I know, the perfect thing. This site sells candies that have real sayings like “U LEFT SEATUP” and “DORKA PHOBIC”.
You have to love candy that reminds your significant other to put the lid down.
An Alice Halloween Special
Remember back when there used to be actual sitcoms on T.V. that were written by actual writers that were actually occasionally funny? Now that we’re saturated in Reality T.V. (you’re soaking in it) it’s hard to remember those old shows. But I do remember that every year there was a Halloween special.
Holidays were the best plot devices ever. Sometimes they were even combined with another plot device, the flashback, which consisted of a bunch of old episodes pasted together. So creative. Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and later on that dreadful Full House, the ship that launched the Olsen twins, all had Halloween specials.
Now that’s scary.
But the most memorable Halloween special had to be “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” starring the Peanuts gang. You remember them. The bobble headed kids who acted like adults yet never seemed to age past the 5th grade. This one starred Linus, the neurotic one that carried around a blankie which probably got his behind kicked on the playground, although we never saw this. It’s hard to blame the kid though, having Lucy, the she-demon, as an older sibling. I’d probably carry mace.
Linus was obsessed with something called “the Great Pumpkin” because even Halloween needs a Santa Claus I guess. Everyone else thought he was crazy, which was a safe bet with this kid, but Linus believed! Meanwhile, the kids dressed up for Halloween. Good ol’ Charlie Brown dressed as a ghost with a holy sheet and got rocks in his Halloween sack.
The making of a serial killer.
I’m just sayin’.
Wait, what? I mean, I realize he has male-pattern baldness, but this is supposed to be a little kid, here. What freaking adult puts rocks in a child’s Halloween sack? I mean, what the heck? I’ve always imagined Charlie Brown coming back to school later on with a machine gun. Lucy would get plugged first for that football trick, but then he’d just rampage the rest of the gang. Chainsaw Peanuts Massacre. Now THAT would have been a great special.
Wait, I’m getting distracted here. Anyway, we are also celebrating the Great Pumpkin at our house. You see, I did this whole Martha Stewart theme with a pumpkin centerpiece (there’s not much more room on the table) and Halloween themed place mats and wall hangings and . . . yeah I’m totally full of it. Most of our family is rather apathetic about most stuff that requires our active participation. Except Thing Two. She is our party planner extraordinaire. You will party, whether you like it or not.
So we have a Great Pumpkin set up. Right now on the living room floor is a blue pillow case. Sitting on this pillowcase is a jar of candy corn, a note for the Great Pumpkin, and a little pumpkin with a face drawn on it. Oh, and the little pumpkin is wearing a pair of her underwear, which is supposed to be a cape. I was forbidden from taking a picture of this for my blog post. Now keeping the junk in the living room for a month was okay, but not on the blog. But trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.
Lame Linus. You didn’t even set out any freaking candy corn.
There also used to be a green Halloween bucket over there, but poor Thing Two got suddenly sick, and that was the closest thing around. Though we’ve sanitized it, nobody is too eager to use it for treats anymore, although it might make a good trick for somebody.
Thing Two is going as Princess Leia this year. She has a costume complete with a honey bun wig. Suffice it to say, she is the cutest and chattiest Princess Leia ever. And at eight years old, she is almost as tall as actress Carrie Fisher, so she’s perfect for the part. The rest of us have decided to go as ourselves, which is scary enough.
I’m not sure if the Great Pumpkin will visit our house or not, but it will not be for lack of planning from Thing Two. I think she is even more faithful than Linus. I’m sure the special will be on again this year, as it has been every year since, like, Biblical times. But I’ll probably just watch Thing Two instead. She is more entertaining than any Halloween special.
*Note: I will take a temporary break from Rants With Alice because this time Alice wants to rave. Stay tuned this Friday for a review of Carrie Rubin’s book The Seneca Scourge.
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