Last time I asked what series, if any, you’d like me to continue. The majority (of like 3) voted for Boppo torture. I love you guys. But as I was considering another way to kill a clown, I remembered that Speaker 7 had made a request. She asked “Can you please do the same thing only with Sims versions of Christian Grey and Ana Steele?” I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea. So I did it.
Now it wouldn’t surprise me if many disturbed women have made their own Christians and Anas, so as to repeat the horror of that story over and over in Sim form. I’m going to play with them a bit differently, however. As in I’m going to beat the snot out of them, just as I wanted to sooo many times whilst reading those books. Take this, James.
First off, I made our happy couple. Since James gave so many details (as in almost none) it was pretty easy to create them. Christian has mussy red hair, a gray tie, and long fingers. Well I got the hair and the tie. Score. Next Ana has brown hair (just like crackwhore mom’s, awww) and is wearing the plum dress she borrowed from her friend several dozen times. I think I’d want that dress back as much as I’d want Monica Lewinsky’s.
Next I had to build a house for the psychotic pair. Just like James, I decided to make it as subtle and unassuming as possible. Observe. (Click to enlarge)
I figured Federal Fortress was right up their alley and added the helicopter pad for good old Charlie Tango (yes he named the helicopter). You might wonder why I remember all these details from the book. That’s only because they are repeated 5 BILLION TIMES. James should really consider teaching the times tables or something. The kids would never forget their math facts then. (1 buttplug plus 1 buttplug = red)
But what is Christian’s house without the Red Room (red room, red roooom?) It’s almost normal, that’s what. I couldn’t find whips and chains, because even Sims hasn’t gotten quite that deranged yet, so I had to make due with a trellis. I figure Christian is creative enough to tie her up to that while also growing fresh strawberries, you know, “down there”.
You’ll notice a “toy chest” in the corner for all of Christian’s sex toys (buttplugs in every shape and size – I wish I was kidding) and a flying model of Charlie Tango that Ana gave Christipoo for his birthday. Their bed is like something out of Martha Stewart! And just for the hell of it, I added a spotlight and mirrors, because we’re talking Christian and Ana, and there’s nothing they’d like more. Oh, yeah, and in the corner, there’s that roaster that took out poor Boppo. Hmm.
You might even notice that Ana has on the matching underwear set that Christian’s bodyguard bought for her, because of course that’s what bodyguards do and OMG I will never get this crap out of my brain help meeeee.
I kept thinking something was missing, though, and then I knew. Lilah! Lilah, in case you didn’t read my amazing recaps (There’s only like a billion of them, what’s wrong with you?) is Christian’s crazy ex-girlfriend who unfortunately fails to successfully gun down Christian and Ana. She’s still my favorite character so I made her a Sim. Pretty easy – just take Ana and put her hair in braids. Christian likes braids because MAKE IT STOP!
What’s so funny about the Sims is that you can never predict what they’re going to do. As soon as I added Lilah to the family, she went right up to the Red Room and oblivious to Christian and Ana, started playing with the remote control Charlie Tango.
But here I haven’t gotten to the torturing part yet! My apologies. First up – morons on fire!
A twisted reader, Tammy, told me about something called the Tombstone of Death you could get through a cheat that allowed you to quickly kill Sims in every possible way. I had to have it, of course, and made quick use of it. Next up, Christian death by flies!
Boppo may get a post per death, but I really couldn’t wait with these two. You can’t possibly understand how much you can hate fictional characters until you take a gander at these books. Anyway next I had Christian get struck by lightning while peeing. Karma anyone?
One thing I found funny was that after Christian turned to ash, Lilah cried for two seconds, then started plunging the toilet. With Ana she didn’t even shed one tear, just scooped her up in the dust bin. She might be nuts, but the girl is practical.
Ana gets some fun too, don’t worry. While reading, how many times did I think – I wish a Satellite would fall out of the sky and she would burst into flames? Lots. Considering Christian failed to properly die in the Charlie Tango, I felt someone should die in a freak explosion.
While that was immensely satisfying, I felt it wasn’t quite “Ana” enough. First I tried death by disease, and it was pretty cool to see her choking (who didn’t want to choke her at least once?) but then I settled on death by starvation, since Ana only eats about 50 calories throughout all three books.
That’s all I have. Though I could have done this dozens more times, you get the picture. Or pictures. This is the best we can do until the fabulous movie comes out. Good news, one actor was selected for Christian, got a whiff of the script, and ran screaming. I’m thinking they should get Macauley Culkin. He needs the work. I’d say Hugo, but he has way too much class.
Will I watch the movie? Of course I will. And I’ll review it – eventually. I still haven’t managed to get more than 15 minutes through Eclipse, though, so it might be a while. After reviewing the first two Twilight movies, I had to let my stomach rest. Also, I had the Things to help me with those two reviews, and I’m pretty sure people might consider that child abuse. I know they did. So next time I’ll be on my own.
Unless I get CRC.
Oh, my. Such tension as Chapter 19 opens. I can hardly contain myself. Christian’s helicopter, the Charlie Tango & Cash, is MISSING. He is immediately on the news, because now random rich businessmen are as famous as Brad Pitt. His family and Ana and some other stupid people sit around being sadfaced. For like two pages. And then, oh what a relief. Christian comes back. Hoo-freaking-ray.
Once the hooplah about the return of
Jesus Christian dies down I decide to take the opportunity to interview Dr. Grace Trapper-Keeper-Grey, otherwise known as Christian’s Mommy – the adoptive one, not the crackwhore, cause she’s dead and my Ouija board is on the fritz.
Alice: Hello Grace. How’s it going?
Grace: My poor baby was missing and we thought he was dead until just moments ago! How do you think I feel?
Alice: Well, I felt elated, but I’m guessing you had the sads.
Grace: I did, but then he returned! Oh, Alice it was a miracle! Eight hours no one saw and then about fifteen minutes of suffering and worry. Also a bunch of Ana’s irritating flashbacks. Those were the worst.
Alice: Yippee. So what happened?
Grace: Well, he showed up carrying his jacket and socks and shoes for some reason and looking tired but beautiful, of course. We all cried and shouted and I flung myself on him and said I died a thousand deaths.
Alice: This book will have that effect on you.
Grace: I asked why he didn’t call and he said his cell phone was dead.
Alice: So that’s why we were spared emails for three whole pages.
Grace: We are all so relieved he came home safe. He was such a good little boy, you know. No trouble at all. You didn’t even have to touch him, unlike that annoying Mia and Elliot, always wanting food and hugs and all that crap. If only I’d gotten them from crackwhores. Maybe they’d have turned out as well as Christipoo.
Alice: Um. Yeah. So, you really don’t know about your son’s, um, extracurricular activities do you?
Grace: There are some things that disturb me, Alice.
Alice: Really? You mean you know about the –
Grace: Karate. Yes. He thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but he still can’t break a tough brownie in two without help.
Alice: Yup, that’s the disturbing part, alright.
Grace: Also that Ana. What is wrong with that twit?
Alice: There’s just so much.
Grace: I am afraid they- they – might be having sex, Alice.
Alice: You don’t say.
Grace: Sigh. Anyway, he hugged me a bit and then he pushed me off and went to hold her while she wailed and then Elliot asked for more details about the “chopper” which makes Christian madfaced because it’s a helicopter, you see, the safest on the market.
Alice: Clearly. Now it’s a big hunk of molten metal, but whatevs.
Grace: And then Taylor said his daughter was fine.
Alice: What daughter? What does that have to do with anything?
Grace: I have no idea. Anyway, Christian said he was flying with his number two.
Grace: Ros wanted to see Mt Saint Helens, so they were only 200 feet above ground level when the helicopter caught fire, and that’s why they didn’t die and all.
Alice: 200 feet is still rather far up, isn’t it? I mean, if I fell 200 feet, I think I’d be pretty smashed up, especially if I was surrounded in metal and fire.
Grace: So he landed and he put out the fire – with a fire extinguisher – and it was so brave of him because both engines were on fire!
Alice: He put out a huge helicopter fire with . . . one fire extinguisher.
Grace: And then he used the Blackberry GPS to guide them.
Alice: I thought he had no reception.
Grace: He didn’t. But the GPS still worked because it operates by magic.
Grace: It took them four hours to walk because silly Ros wore heels.
Alice: What a bitch.
Grace: Then they hitched a ride for free with a friendly truck driver who shared his lunch.
Alice: Was he from Sesame Street perhaps? Why couldn’t they have gotten one of those homicidal maniac truck drivers?
Grace: Christian was so anxious to be back because Jose was staying with Ana and he was worried they were going to start having an affair in the eight hours he was missing.
Alice: Well, Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.
Grace: But then Christian and Ana wanted to be alone so we went home. But – do you know what happened? I just found out! Ana gave Christian his present and it was a key chain!
Alice: What a thrill.
Grace: But Alice, on the back of the keychain was the word YES! She accepted Christian’s proposal as his birthday present!
Alice: Here I was hoping for a funeral, and we get a wedding.* Crap in a hat.
* I’m still not going to that freaking wedding.
As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up. No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades. It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left.
Chapter 18 is full of thrills. No, it’s not. It’s full of shit. Like always. What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes. I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason. Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier. There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow. But not with E.L. James. Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already. But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks. Why? Just why?
For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table. Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain! This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages. But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere! Of course they do! And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.
But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go. We’ll start with Jose.
Alice: Hello, Jose. Where have you been?
Jose: Oh, lurking. I think Ana really likes me.
Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.
Alice: Makes sense. Here’s another question. Why are you interested in her to begin with?
Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .
Alice: No, she’s not.
Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!
Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.
Jose: Huh. Good point there. She’s hot.
Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now. You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?
Jose: I think there’s hope. She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk. I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.
Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine.
Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.
Alice: No. I’m not. Because I hate you. I hate you all. Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter? I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?
Jose: I might, might have been following them.
Alice: I . . . nevermind. So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.
Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.
Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.
Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.
Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties. Big fucking deal.
Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.
Alice: I don’t give a shit.
Jose: But then came the best part! Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.
Alice: The what?
Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.
Alice: Oh, right. Ohhhh, you mean missing? So is he dead? Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.
Jose: We don’t know. That’s how the chapter ends. I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.
Alice: We can dream, Jose. We can dream.*
*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go. But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.