When I first started reviewing 50 Shades of Awful and Twidud, I figured I’d get some angry fan spittle all over my blog. Even when I had only a handful of viewers, it wouldn’t have surprised me. There are some fans so dedicated they will seek out anybody, no matter how small, in order to protect their sacred cow (moooo). And yet – I never heard a peep. In fact, one person who was a fan of Shades still thought I was funny and reblogged my post. Go figure.
Then it happened. A troll. A real, live troll! On my blog! It was a wondrous day, you guyz. I had to read the comment a few times to make sure it was real. It was so much better than the spammers (this blog to read is educational to be coming back soon.) You’ll never guess what post irritated the reader. Not 50 Shades, not Twilight, not my occasional political ramblings, not the times I screwed up revered American holidays like Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving. Nope.
It was Dragon Tales. It’s been a while since I’ve done a review of awful children’s T.V. I must get back to this, now that I’ve finished awful adult books. But the troll was angry! He or she told me “Dragon Tales is a good show! It’s for kids, not for 40-year-old fartheads like you!” Said troll had no blog, just an email address that went something like “dragontalesmaniacalfreakedoutfan.” Let me tell you, I was deeply saddened by this insult. For your information, troll, I am NOT forty, okay?
And that’s not all! There was another comment on another post, this one about how Clifford was either doin’ steroids or exposed to nuclear waste. It said, and I quote “Again, mean!” Mean? Me? I thought my blog was sweetness and light! Now I’m all disillusioned.
I thought this was the end of it, but I think this person has a whole fan club that is still tracking my blog. I keep getting hits because of it. Check out the most recent search words people used to find my blog. Just today: dragon tales (10), dragon tails (2), dragon tale (1), dragontales (1), and yesterday: dragon tales (11), dragon’s tale (3), dragon tale (1). And this has been going on for a while now. It might be my new top search word this year. It would help if this fan club could figure out how to spell Dragon Tales.
Far out, huh? This just goes to show you how bizarre the Internet can be. I suppose I should be thankful to these guys for giving my blog traffic. Therefore, I’ve decided to review it again. Here’s the original post for any of you who missed it. And a clip of the show, too. Guard your stomachs.
Upon reviewing the show again, dear troll, I have to say . . . it still sucks. Yeah. Pretty much. I mean, yes, it is for children and not adults. But adults are usually forced to watch this crap too. Unless they prefer to neglect their children like Max and Ruby’s parents. (Max and Ruby review coming up, Max and Ruby fans!) Besides, just because it’s for kids doesn’t mean it can’t have a little quality to it. For instance, I can watch Sesame Street without gagging as long as I turn it off before the Elmo comes on. But Dragon Tales makes the mistake of not only being annoying and stupid, but pretentious about it.
So sorry to spill your milk there (everyone makes mistakes, oh yes, they do) but I don’t like it. Sure the dragons teach the kids Spanish (Why are the dragons Spanish? Do they also have Russian dragons? Scottish ones?) but we already had Dora for that (Saltaaaaaaaaaa!) We didn’t need any more. I mean, Dora was shrieky and irritating, but at least she didn’t whine nearly as much as these so-called dragons. So, yeah, review stands. On the suck-o-meter, we have a ten. But please – do come back. I’ll leave the rug cleaner out for you.
Love and kisses,
For my next review of Children’s T.V., I really wanted to review Maisy Mouse. There were some technical difficulties with that. You see, I have two daughters, but for ease of reference I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 2 told me she still has fond memories of Maisy and I was not to touch her with my snark. I was saddened by this. I mean, look at this mouse. She’s begging for snark.
Ah, well. Instead, I went with their suggestion of Oswald. This is a truly disturbed cartoon. I know I say that about all the cartoons I review, but really, these writers had to be out of their minds on something. I’m not sure what country we can blame for this cartoon, so we’ll just blame Canada. They’re an easy target. I know, for instance, that they are responsible for Dudley Do-Right. That shows they are capable of this level of awful.
Oswald is an octopus that lives in the city. Of course. He wears nothing but a freakishly tiny hat on his head and has a pet that is a literal weenie dog – as in a dachshund forced to permanently wear a hotdog bun, because these poor dogs don’t have enough issues. And it only makes sense that if you are a walking, talking octopus that you would own a pet, and that pet would be a dog. For instance, Mickey Mouse owns Pluto, a dog, but is friends with Goofy, another dog. I think. Gosh, I’m confused.
Anyway, I really think you have to see a clip to truly believe how far out this is, so I have helpfully provided you with one. You’re welcome.
Anyway, Oswald also has friends, and they are just as normal as he is. First is Henry, a penguin with something stuck up his butt, because man is he stuffy. At least for a penguin. They are usually so happy-go-lucky. You’re always seeing them sliding around on their butts in the ice and snow. This one is in the city. No wonder he’s uncomfortable. Then again, Oswald is an octopus and by all rights should have dried up by now. If only.
But wait, there’s more. They also have a friend that is a – wait for it – Daisy with arms and legs that rides a bicycle. And she’s named, you will never guess, Daisy. There is a reason daisies aren’t animate. They’re so freaking annoying you would spray them all with Weed-Be-Gone.
They live in some sort of bizarro world with buildings shaped like baseballs and Old West saloons, stop signs with baseball mits at the top, and a cast of background characters straight out of your nightmares. In one scene, you will notice a living cactus. He’s just sitting there, drinking a coke, wearing a sombrero, minding his own business. Then up flies the waitress, Madame Butterfly, to take their order and OMG HELP ME.
And I just have to think – who thought this up? Who comes up with this kind of insane stuff? Somebody has to, right? Who just sits around and suddenly decides, “I know, I will make a cartoon with an Octupus who is pals with a penguin who owns a spoon collection. And they will live in the fifth circle of Hades. And just when parents think they can’t take anymore, we will have the octopus start singing.”
I think writers for children’s shows are just irritated that they don’t get to write for shows like Grey’s Anatomy, so they decide to make everyone else pay. By doing the penguin polka while the octopus plays piano. Children’s show writers are just mean.
Talking, walking octopus with freakishly tiny hat – Yes
Penguin with spoon collection – Yes
Daisy with arms and legs – Yes
Crazed, revenge-seeking writers – Yes