Tag Archives: Christian Grey

Not my usual funny fare . . .

But so important.  I found this post and had to share it.  It’s about a woman who married a “Christian Grey” that so many women (supposedly) fantasize about.  I couldn’t see how to reblog it, so I will just post the link.

I married Christian Grey

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jack Hyde

Today we’re interviewing a brand new character, Jack Hyde, who, and this is just a guess, is set to be a bad guy in this book.  Which means we’ll probably be rooting for him as well.  God knows Leila needs the help.

Jack Hyde
This is from a real movie poster, guys!

Alice: Mr. Hyde, so nice to meet you.

Jack: Please, call me Jack. 

Alice: Okay, Jack, you have a rather interesting name.  Care to tell us about it?

Jack: Well my full name is Jack the Ripper Mr. Hyde Evil Bastard Boss.  But really, Jack is much easier.

Alice: Okay, then.  So Ana Steele recently came to work for you, right?

Jack: Yes.  She was extremely qualified.

Alice: How so?

Jack: She’s hot and stupid.  Also, she fetches coffee.  What more could you ask for in an editor’s assistant?

Alice: Some editors might want someone who could, I don’t know, edit?

Ana
is a serious business lady

Jack: Pfft.  The girl fetches really well.  I can tell she’s been trained.

Alice: Yes, by her boyfriend, Christian Grey.

Jack: Ugh, that guy!  What does she see in him?

Alice: He ties her up and flogs her and shoves stuff up her hoo-ha.

Jack: I could do that.  This Christian Grey is a real jerk.  He’s always emailing Ana.  It’s annoying.  She can’t finish the coloring sheets I give her, and sometimes she’s late with the coffee.  Also, she has not responded to my romantic gestures.

Alice: Isn’t it inappropriate for a boss to hit on his employee?

Jack: Hey, I didn’t hire her for her brains. 

Alice: Right.  So they’ve been emailing each other?  That’s a real shock.

Jack: Yes.  “Will you move in with me?  Can we talk tonight?  Can we talk this evening?  Can I go to this conference with Jack?  No, he’s a sleazeball, unlike me. Blah blah.”  And more talk about knickers.  What the hell are knickers, and how do you twist them?

Alice: It’s a Britishism for underwear.

Jack: But she’s not British.

Alice: Don’t even get me started.  So did you stop the emails?

Jack: Nah, I just print them out and read them alone in my office. 

Alice: Okay.

Jack: So she gabbed to Christian on the phone, and she emailed him some more, and she painted her nails, and she huffed the paint because it smells like grape, and I sent her to get my lunch.  This made Mr. Hotshot mad.

Alice: And why was that?

Jack: Some psycho chick named Leila is stalking them or something.  I don’t know.  But he shouldn’t keep her from doing her job.

Alice: Which is fetching you coffee and sandwiches?  Is your office located in the 1950s?

Ana and Jack

Jack: She likes fetching coffee for me.  You just ring this little bell and off she goes!

Alice: Mmmkay.

Jack: I wanted her to go to this conference so we could network.  You know what I mean?  Network?  Get it?

Alice: Unfortunately.  I’m sure Christian wasn’t happy about that.

Jack: No. And somehow I was blocked from being able to schedule her flight.  But no matter, I just gave her extra coloring pages and one of those seek and finds, which kept her working late with me.  Then I got super close to her and acted like a creeper.  She wasn’t impressed.

Alice: Weird.  It works for Christian.

Ana’s workload is challenging

Jack: I know!  So I asked her out, and asked her inappropriate questions, and she got all braggy about her boyfriend, and she left.  Nevermind that she spent most of the workday arguing with him and being furious about him controlling her, when she could have me controlling her.  I have a leash and everything.  I’m not sure if her hot ass is worth it.

Alice: I’m certain it isn’t.  So did she stay mad at Christian?

Jack: No.  They had sex in the elevator and she forgot about it.  And then some Mrs. Robinson showed up.

Alice: How do you know all this?

Jack: Well it’s not because I put a camera in her purse.

Alice: I just . . . well.  Since Ana’s clearly not interested, are you going to back off?

Jack: Back off?  No way.  I will have Ana, and I will make Christian Grey pay!  Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

Alice: You just turned green and hunchbacked for a second there.

Jack: Uh, sorry.  As I was saying, I plan to challenge Christian Grey.

Alice: Great.  Make sure you kill him.  You should find Leila.  She’s already got the gun.  Ana might get caught in the crossfire, but that’s the breaks.  Just, you know, FYI.

Jack: Thank you, Alice.  I don’t suppose you’d like to be an editor’s assistant?  I sense a position opening soon.

Alice: Yeah, tempting.  But clearly James knows nothing about editing, and you’re a creeper.  So, gosh, no.  Thanks anyway.

Jack: Curses!  Foiled again.

Alice: Is there anyone in this book that isn’t insane or creepy?

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Subconscious

Okay, chapter nine of Ana’s memoirs was a little different.  There is a short scene where Ana dries Christian’s back, and he has to face his fear of the touchies.  It’s actually not completely vomitrociously terrible!  For a few paragraphs, there was such bliss.

But then it went back to normal and got horrible again.  Who the hell am I going to interview for this crap this time?

 

Subconscious

Alice: Oh.  Hello again, Ana.  Is it Ana this time?  Or inner goddess?  Please say it’s not inner goddess.

Subconscious: No, no, it’s me.  Subconscious.  I gagged inner goddess with a pom pom.

Alice: Lovely.  I thought I would point out that there’s no way Ana would know you were around since your subconscious exists below consciousness.  That’s kind of the whole definition of subconscious. 

Subconscious: I am going to tap my foot and wave my finger at you.

Alice: Whatever.  Okay, so what’s been happening with Christian and Ana?  Any more Leila with a gun?

Subconscious: No.  This is all about the love between Christian and Ana.  He told her he loves her!  I stood in stunned silence.

Alice: Me too.  But I spend most of the book like this. 

Subconscious: They had a shower, and Ana dried Christian off.  I nodded with approval, for she is the puppet master.

Alice: Um, yeah, I think she’s actually the puppet.  He controls her and enjoys putting his hand up her hoo-ha.

Christian and Ana: a love story

Subconscious: They made love but for some weird reason she didn’t explain every detail and she asked about his real father but he said it wasn’t crack whore mom’s pimp.  And then Christian had a surprise for her!

Alice: A brand new buttplug?

Subconscious: No.  He decided to take her on his boat.  He owns a boat.  It’s really big and expensive and he owns it.

Alice: I’m so impressed.  So what happened on the boat?

Subconscious: Well, first they had to get to the boat.  They took a quick detour so Christian could buy her a car.

Alice: Of course.  Logical thing to do on a date.

Subconscious: I was mortified at the whole car buying business!  She wanted a convertible, of all things, and I tried to say something but that inner goddess bitch tackled me to the floor! 

Alice: I . . . yeah, I got nothing.

Subconscious: So they bought the car, but then Christian had to have Ana eat.  And she wondered if this would ever get old.

Alice: It has.

Subconscious: Christian talked all about how perfect and wonderful and successful he was and then they got to the boat!

Alice: Finally.

Subconscious: We met a handsome man named Mac who I guess works on the boat.  I’m not sure.  He wore a pink polo shirt.  Then Christian gave Ana a tour of the boat, which is really big, and expensive, and big.  And he showed her the bedroom and said it was the first time he’d ever taken a girl in there!

Alice: Why do I think it’s not the first time he’s had Mac in that room?

Subconscious: They decided to christen the bed later.

Alice: Can’t wait.

Subconscious: Christian got off on strapping Ana into a life jacket and she called him “my pervert” and he said “yes, yours.”

Alice: Is that her new pet name for him?  It’s not bad.

Subconscious: They joked about rope tricks, and I glared at her.  That is so improper.

Alice: Must be fun being in her head, then.

Subconscious: No.  It is not.  Especially not sharing space with that inner goddess!  Pardon me.  Next he had Ana pilot the boat, almost like that scene in Titanic.

Alice: Did they hit an iceberg?

Come on, Mac, you can push them both off. No one would ever know.

Subconscious: No.  She had a fabulous time, but I kept her in line.  I told her she was a lucky bitch, but that soon enough he wasn’t going to want this vanilla sex stuff and she’d have to compromise by getting beaten up again.

Alice: Nice. 

Subconscious: Next they had sex.  And it went on.  And on.  And on.  That stupid twit inner goddess cheered and spelled S-E-X with letters.  I read an entire issue of Ladies Home Journal.  I know how to make popcorn balls now.

Alice: Well, that was illuminating.  Thank you, subconscious.  Keep up with the slut shaming and all that. 

Subconscious: Will do.  Excuse me.  Inner goddess spat out the pom pom.

Alice: Please tell me that’s the last voice.  Please.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian

In case you’re just joining us, we’ve already interviewed two characters from Ana Bobana’s memoirs.  Taylor, Christian’s assistant and most likely prisoner at the moment, and Ana herself.  Lucky us.  Now let’s see, who is next on my list to cover Chapter 3 . . .

ChristianComes complete with Red Room o' Pain supplies

Christian
Comes complete with Red Room o’ Pain supplies

Christian: You!  You are the one who talked to my property.

Alice: I . . . come again?

Christian: Taylor and Ana belong to me.  Everything belongs to me.  You know the song.  This land is my land. This land is my land.  This land is . . .

Alice: That’s not how the song goes.

Christian: Why aren’t you fainting from multiple orgasms?

Alice: Cause I think you’re an asshole.  And I’m not scheduled to interview you.

Christian: Yes you are.  I am going to tell you about my romance with Ana now, Alice.   Be prepared.

Alice: You’re seriously creeping me out.

Christian: But first I want to know, what did Ana and Taylor tell you about me?  Because if you ask me questions, I get to ask questions too.

Alice: That’s not how an interview works.  And anyway, didn’t you tape record it all?

Christian: Of course I did.  But Ana mistook my tape recorder for a sex toy and . . .

Alice: Yeah, that’s enough!  Taylor hates you and Ana is convinced you’re Jesus.  The hot Jesus, like the one in that Mel Gibson movie.

How Ana sees Christian

The real Christian

Christian: Jesus isn’t nearly as awesome as I am.  Now, about that romance.  When she left me, I was having a dark night of the soul, so to console myself, I bought the company she works for.

Alice: You did what?

Christian: I know, right?  Like Jesus could buy real estate.  Moving on, we shared some very sexy emails.  I am a master emailer.

Alice: You bought your ex-girlfriend’s company?

Christian: How else could I track her every movement?  I have to know that she’s eating.  And what she’s eating.  And when.  And with who.  The usual boyfriend kind of thing.  Oh, I discovered she ate a banana.

Alice: Fascinating.

Christian: Isn’t she?  She beguiles me!  That’s why so many men want her, but they can’t have her, because she belongs to me.  I have the papers and everything.  She’s even registered with the American Kennel Club.

Ana’s papers

Alice: You do know she’s actually a human, right?

Christian: No, no, no.  She’s a woman.  Tsk.  Now where was I?  Oh, yes, that new boss of hers, Jack Hyde, wants to steal my Ana, and he can’t have her.  I once loaned him some Tinker Toys, and he never gave them back.  I can’t risk that again!

Alice: Um, how do you know he’s trying to “steal” her?

Christian: She went to Fifty’s for drinks with people from his company.  He was there.

Alice: The bar is called Fifty’s?  Seriously?

Christian:  I had to stake my claim on my woman!  It was difficult to get over to her, because women kept fainting in my path or throwing themselves upon me.  They just can’t withstand my sexual prowess or the way my pants hang.

Alice: How do your pants hang?

Christian: I have no idea, but it’s sexy, damn it.  I informed Jack Hyde that I was the boyfriend.  And then he said he was the boss.  For a moment, I thought I might have to pee on her to prove my point, but Hyde realized what a fine specimen of man I am and wisely backed down.

Alice: So you grabbed her by the hair and dragged her home to the cave.  I got it.

Christian: But you must hear of our ride in the car!  Taylor came to pick us up in my AUDI.  I drive an Audi.  It’s a fabulous car.  There’s a phone in the steering wheel and everything.

Alice: I don’t think you realize the fucks I do not give.

Christian: I told Ana that I bought the company and she seemed a little annoyed with me.

Alice: I can’t imagine why.

Christian: Nor I!  But I made her laugh, because I’m so witty and all, and she forgot all about being angry with me and let me into her apartment.  She wanted sex, of course, but I wanted her to eat first, because my Ana must eat.  I have this need for her to eat because once I . . .

Alice:  Yes, yes, you went without food when you were four.  We know.

What was it Christian was concerned about again?

Christian: Oh, crack mommy was so neglectful, which is why I am now sad.

Alice:  You’re not sad.  You’re a psychopath.

Christian: Ana’s cupboard was bare, not even a bone.  So we had to go to the grocery store.  Can you imagine?  Me, at a grocery store?

Alice: I can’t figure out why there is a scene at a grocery store.

Christian: So Ana cooked, and showed me how to chop a pepper.

Alice: That’s a good skill for her to remember.

Christian: And we flirted, and bumped into one another, and the sexual tension was just so high, but I made sure she put the chicken in the fridge before we got to the sex.

Alice: Very practical of you.

Christian: And then we made love.  First I took off my socks . . .

Alice: I really don’t want to hear this.

Christian: There was groaning, and begging, and she tried to suck off my royal staff of manhood and then I ordered her to have an orgasm and she did.  I think the training is going well.  She really responds to the Snausages.

Alice:  That was . . . truly horrible.

Christian: I would love to stay and tell you more, but I am a very busy man.  I have emails to compose.  And mergers.  I make frequent mergers.  It’s exhausting.

Alice: Um, hey who’s that over there?  Is that one of your old subs who is jealous of Ana and is hoping to make a plot point?  Possibly?

Christian: Oh, dear.  The situation!  I must go!

Alice: Huh, his pants really DO hang that way when he runs.

50 SoG Recap #1: Two Chapters Unto the Breech

              I am now officially two chapters and 34 pages in to this book.  I’ve been taking notes along the way with a handy feature on my Nook Color (product placement!!)  Most of my notes are short and rather repetitive, just like the text.  Stuff like “Creepy” and “I get it” and “I GET IT” and “ZOMG I GET IT ALREADY PLEASE STOP TELLING ME ARGHHHHHHH!)  I’ve never read a book for adults that reminded me so much of an episode of Dora the Explorer.

                Her first use of repetition comes from her descriptions of Christian.  Now I wasn’t a fan of Meyer’s writing in Twilight, but you have to admit that while she spent way too much time describing Edward, she did at least actually describe him.  As in features like marble chest, topaz eyes, blah blah blah.  That’s better than what James does, which is simply to tell us that he’s attractive.   Just take her word for it.  Take it several times. 

                I used the search feature on my e-reader, a handy little thing.  Many people would protest doing this, because hey, it’s a long book, someone is bound to repeat a word or two here and there.  Here’s what I’ve gotten from a search of the word “attractive” used with Christian.  So young, and attractive, very attractive. (Ch1 p.13)  Okay, so he’s very attractive. (Ch2 p. 21)  Attractive control freak Grey.  (Ch2 p.33) I find him attractive, very attractive. (Ch2 p.34)  Keep in mind that I’m only using the “attractives” that refer to Christian, and only those mentioned in the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS.  The only real details we get of Christian are his grey eyes (get it?), the bizarre misplaced modifier tie with unruly red hair (I’m guessing she meant Christain has unruly red hair), and hands with long fingers.

               Speaking of that, what IS her thing with hands?  She constantly mentions Christian’s hands and their fabulous fingers.  Is this some sort of a fetish?  Maybe it’s because my husband is a mechanic, and so his hands are not exactly pristine after an oil change; but honestly, I have never noticed a guy’s hands much.  His touch, yes, but his hands?  And the long fingers – that just sounds creepy, like something from a horror novel.  At one point she even describes Christian’s finely manicured hands.  Manicured?  If I met a guy who went to the trouble of getting a manicure regulary, I’d probably figure he was batting for the other team.  But that’s just me.

                Next, let’s damn everything to hell!   Damn my hair!  (ch1 p. 9) Damn my roommate!  (Ch 1 p. 9) Damn her extra-curricular activities (Ch1 pg 9) Damn my clumsiness! (Ch1 p.13)  Damn Kate and her curiousity! (ch2 pg18) Damn Katherine Kavanagh! (ch2 p.21) Damn that woman was in the wrong place. (Ch2 p.25) Damn she’s inquisitive! (Ch2 p.24)   He’s pretty damn bright.  (Ch2 p.26) Damn, he’s handsome. (a two-fer) (Ch2 p29)  Damn! Try to be cool,Ana! (Ch2 p.29) Damn . . . have I offended him? (Ch2 p.34) Damn, that’s a lot of damns.  Good thing she intersperses plenty of “Crap!” and “Double Crap!” for variation.

                You should know that there is a lot of sandstone in Christian’s lobby.

                She also wants to make sure you know the names of her characters.  It is important that when you first introduce a character, you point out his or her full name, if he or she has one.  It is not necessary, however, to do this over and over again.  I know Kate, Christian, and Ana’s last names.  Please quit giving out their full names.  There’s no set word count you have to make.

                In case you didn’t realize it, E.L. James is British.  We see her first British-isms in these chapters.  I don’t get it.  If you can’t grasp the difference between British and American English, here’s an idea.  Set your story in freaking Britain.  Hell, Harry Potter was set in England, and its sales were fairly good.  So why did she have to make the story take place in America when she knew so little about it and didn’t want to research that much?  It really wouldn’t have made a difference to the story where she had it take place.  From what I’ve heard, most of it involves sex in various places that are usually indoors.

                Still haven’t gotten to the sexy times.  We did have a fascinating scene in the lobby (the sandstone lobby) with secretaries.  They offer water.  They bring her water.  They hop out of their seats.  They open the door.  They tell her to go inside.  They direct her to Grey’s office.  Etc.  Oh, and they are all blonde, and this bothers Ana, because she has a pathological fear of blondes.  I guess.

                Ana has a lot of issues, actually.  She’s not only clumsy enough to qualify for a handicapped permit, she suffers from other medical ailments too.  Heart failure, rapid eye blinking, belly muscles clenching, inability to access a very tiny underused part of her brain (James’s description, not mine, I swear), heart pounding, jello-legs, and heart attempting to escape mouth.  At one point she speaks of feeling a current “all the way down to somewhere dark and unexplored, deep in my belly” (Ch2 p.30).  Yeah, Ana, I’m thinking you’re feeling that somewhere south of your belly.

                Finally, we begin to see the creepiness that is Christian.  He starts making connections too quickly.  He offers her a job apparently based on her ability to fall into his office, stammer, drop her tape recorder, and ask him embarrassing, poorly researched questions.   Considering Ana’s descriptions of various types of heart failure, he has to know that he is making her uncomfortable.  And he keeps doing it.  He asks her personal questions (“what IS your thing, Anastasia?)  He gets angry when another male talks to her – and they’ve barely met.  He makes references to taking off his pants in a hardware store.  If that wasn’t enough, he goes to Ana’s workplace with a wacky grocery list.  Cable ties, masking tape, filament rope, some coveralls . . . what no lime, Christian?  It’s so convenient when your future victims help you pick out your supplies!

                I can’t wait till Chapter 3.  Will we get to see Christian torture Ana and bury her in a shallow grave?  I can’t say I would be totally opposed to that idea. Except that I’d like Christian buried with her.  Ah, well, I guess I’ll just have to read on and find out.

I’ve decided to quote a favorite line at the end of each entry.  This may be my favorite quote of the entire book:

“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel . . . or something.” (Ch2 p28)