Hullo, Alice here. I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day! Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.
Are they gone? Great, it’s just us. Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:
That’s right, folks! Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned! 50 Shades of Crap – er Grey! I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row. I guess even they have standards.
Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:
I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one. Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies. But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.
Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended). I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out. Will I get it on video? Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions. For instance:
1. The tampon scene
If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it. Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie. Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.
2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.
I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.
3. Christian’s lobby
There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.
Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ’em. Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something. They should go all out (and in) on this.
5. The way Christian’s pants hang.
Just how DO they hang? From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark? Maybe they hang from his nipples? The world must know.
6. The emails
Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness? I can’t wait.
7. The sex scenes
I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).
8. The bicycle incident
Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle. I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star. It’s not like he could fall that much farther.
9. Christian’s long fingers
I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.
10. Ana’s multiple personalities
Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess? I expect pom poms.
And that’s just the START of my questions. Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books. Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse. I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting. For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins. If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.
I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun. So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history? Do you have any guesses about what it will be like? Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place? Let me know in the comments below!
Last time I asked what series, if any, you’d like me to continue. The majority (of like 3) voted for Boppo torture. I love you guys. But as I was considering another way to kill a clown, I remembered that Speaker 7 had made a request. She asked “Can you please do the same thing only with Sims versions of Christian Grey and Ana Steele?” I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea. So I did it.
Now it wouldn’t surprise me if many disturbed women have made their own Christians and Anas, so as to repeat the horror of that story over and over in Sim form. I’m going to play with them a bit differently, however. As in I’m going to beat the snot out of them, just as I wanted to sooo many times whilst reading those books. Take this, James.
First off, I made our happy couple. Since James gave so many details (as in almost none) it was pretty easy to create them. Christian has mussy red hair, a gray tie, and long fingers. Well I got the hair and the tie. Score. Next Ana has brown hair (just like crackwhore mom’s, awww) and is wearing the plum dress she borrowed from her friend several dozen times. I think I’d want that dress back as much as I’d want Monica Lewinsky’s.
Next I had to build a house for the psychotic pair. Just like James, I decided to make it as subtle and unassuming as possible. Observe. (Click to enlarge)
I figured Federal Fortress was right up their alley and added the helicopter pad for good old Charlie Tango (yes he named the helicopter). You might wonder why I remember all these details from the book. That’s only because they are repeated 5 BILLION TIMES. James should really consider teaching the times tables or something. The kids would never forget their math facts then. (1 buttplug plus 1 buttplug = red)
But what is Christian’s house without the Red Room (red room, red roooom?) It’s almost normal, that’s what. I couldn’t find whips and chains, because even Sims hasn’t gotten quite that deranged yet, so I had to make due with a trellis. I figure Christian is creative enough to tie her up to that while also growing fresh strawberries, you know, “down there”.
You’ll notice a “toy chest” in the corner for all of Christian’s sex toys (buttplugs in every shape and size – I wish I was kidding) and a flying model of Charlie Tango that Ana gave Christipoo for his birthday. Their bed is like something out of Martha Stewart! And just for the hell of it, I added a spotlight and mirrors, because we’re talking Christian and Ana, and there’s nothing they’d like more. Oh, yeah, and in the corner, there’s that roaster that took out poor Boppo. Hmm.
You might even notice that Ana has on the matching underwear set that Christian’s bodyguard bought for her, because of course that’s what bodyguards do and OMG I will never get this crap out of my brain help meeeee.
I kept thinking something was missing, though, and then I knew. Lilah! Lilah, in case you didn’t read my amazing recaps (There’s only like a billion of them, what’s wrong with you?) is Christian’s crazy ex-girlfriend who unfortunately fails to successfully gun down Christian and Ana. She’s still my favorite character so I made her a Sim. Pretty easy – just take Ana and put her hair in braids. Christian likes braids because MAKE IT STOP!
What’s so funny about the Sims is that you can never predict what they’re going to do. As soon as I added Lilah to the family, she went right up to the Red Room and oblivious to Christian and Ana, started playing with the remote control Charlie Tango.
But here I haven’t gotten to the torturing part yet! My apologies. First up – morons on fire!
A twisted reader, Tammy, told me about something called the Tombstone of Death you could get through a cheat that allowed you to quickly kill Sims in every possible way. I had to have it, of course, and made quick use of it. Next up, Christian death by flies!
Boppo may get a post per death, but I really couldn’t wait with these two. You can’t possibly understand how much you can hate fictional characters until you take a gander at these books. Anyway next I had Christian get struck by lightning while peeing. Karma anyone?
One thing I found funny was that after Christian turned to ash, Lilah cried for two seconds, then started plunging the toilet. With Ana she didn’t even shed one tear, just scooped her up in the dust bin. She might be nuts, but the girl is practical.
Ana gets some fun too, don’t worry. While reading, how many times did I think – I wish a Satellite would fall out of the sky and she would burst into flames? Lots. Considering Christian failed to properly die in the Charlie Tango, I felt someone should die in a freak explosion.
While that was immensely satisfying, I felt it wasn’t quite “Ana” enough. First I tried death by disease, and it was pretty cool to see her choking (who didn’t want to choke her at least once?) but then I settled on death by starvation, since Ana only eats about 50 calories throughout all three books.
That’s all I have. Though I could have done this dozens more times, you get the picture. Or pictures. This is the best we can do until the fabulous movie comes out. Good news, one actor was selected for Christian, got a whiff of the script, and ran screaming. I’m thinking they should get Macauley Culkin. He needs the work. I’d say Hugo, but he has way too much class.
Will I watch the movie? Of course I will. And I’ll review it – eventually. I still haven’t managed to get more than 15 minutes through Eclipse, though, so it might be a while. After reviewing the first two Twilight movies, I had to let my stomach rest. Also, I had the Things to help me with those two reviews, and I’m pretty sure people might consider that child abuse. I know they did. So next time I’ll be on my own.
Unless I get CRC.
List of X wrote a post about what books might be housed in the George W. Bush library, so in the comments, naturally, our conversation turned to Dr. Seuss and 50 Shades of Grey. He then (this is his fault, remember) suggested that I try to put 50 Shades of Grey to one of Dr. Seuss’s (Can you believe he didn’t know Dr. Seuss before me? The SHAME.) classic rhyming tales for children. Of course I couldn’t pass that up. So here it is, guyz, yup, here it is.
Buttplugs and Jam
(to Green Eggs and Ham)
They will do it
They will do it on a boat
They will do it with a goat
They will do it on a plane
They will do in the rain
They will do it with buttplugs
They will do it while on drugs
They will do it with ice cream
They will do it in your dreams
They will do it with a fox
They will do it in a box
They will do it using balls
They will do it on the wall
They will do it upside down
They will do it round and round
They will do it on a pony
They’ll do it with macaroni
Yes with whips
And with chips
On a cross
Or with Kate Moss
With fingers, with floggers, with candlestick knobbers
They will do it here and there
They will do it everywhere.
I’ll stop here. But there are so many more you could do. Here’s a quick list of some of Seuss’s titles. See what you can do. I’m sure you could do even more horrible things to these poor books!
Hop on Pop
The Butter Battle Book
Hunches in Bunches
Gerald McBoing Boing
Horton Hears a Who
There’s a Wocket in my Pocket
I Can Lick Thirty Tigers Today and Other Stories
(For all that is holy . . .)
For more ideas, see here. If you want to play, leave your submissions in the comments or shoot me an email. I’ll print the winner in the next post! Saying WordPress still lets me have a blog after this!
Last week I learned that there was a yoga studio in my home town. I was surprised, as generally the height of culture here in my small Texas town is going to a gun show. It had an interesting name, though. They called it “Christian Yoga”.
Alice was curious.
It cost ten bucks, so I figured at the very least I’d get an amusing anecdote for my blog out of it. I admit a bit of trepidation. I mean, why “Christian” Yoga? As opposed to what? Islamic Yoga? Jewish Yoga? Scientologist Yoga? I mean, I’m fairly certain Yoga is not relegated to any one religion. My best guess is that they were trying to assure Christians that they wouldn’t be converted to some weird foreign and possibly Satanic religion while contorting into various positions. That’s just silly. I mean, why would you think Yoga would do something bizarre like that?
Oh. Right. Okay, so I went in expecting just about anything. Would there be creepy dead Jesus crosses on the wall? Because regular crosses are not so bad, but when he’s hanging off them like that, it kind of weirds me out. There were no crosses. No big posters with sappy biblical sayings. Okay. I relax a little. There’s a nice lady teacher, and she’s cool with me being a little late despite speeding all the way there with my hands clenched on the steering wheel. Yeah, I know the irony there.
There were only four other students, and most of them looked older than I did. Score. I figure I can do as well as they can. Or better. I have at least tried out a few videos. There’s a wall of mirrors on the opposite wall, like in a dance class. It’s convenient in that we can see ourselves as we pose. It’s also horrific. I make sure to move into the center of one mirror, as otherwise I look twice as big as I am. That’s not relaxing.
We start out lying on our mats. I brought my extra cushy one. It’s way cushier than the mats of the other students. Poor saps. While we’re lying there with our eyes closed, the teacher reads a one sentence verse from the Bible. “Thou must not poke thy neighbor’s eye out” or something like that. But that’s it. Then we’re ready to begin with sun salutations. She adds a few different words to it, like when we open our arms we are opening “to grace”. Just in case we thought we were worshipping the sun. We’re just saluting it, so it’s cool.
As it turns out, cushy mat might not have been the best idea. While it helps my knees on the lunges, my feet keep sinking into it and slipping around. I am a drunk Warrior One and Two. But I don’t fall down. I wobble. Like a Weeble. A Weeble doing Yoga. Tree pose is even worse. In Tree pose, you stand on one leg with the other leg bent with your foot on your thigh. I think it’s a lot more like a Flamingo than a tree, but maybe there weren’t very many Flamingos in ancient India. After my tree nearly falls over, I decide to move off the mat and near the wall. Much better.
There’s a lot of movement here. This pose, then this pose, and then this pose, and back to this pose. She has to move my leg around a few times. I have forgotten left from right and where my knees are. But she moves a few other people too, so it’s not just me. I can probably still get my A out of this. Wait. No grades. Stop it, Alice. A competition, Yoga is not. Says Yoga. Yoda. Crap. She’s moving again, keep up!
Yoga is just full of these awkward poses. One is Downward Dog. If you think like a ten-year-old, as I do, that name probably makes you snort. Until you try it. Basically you get on all fours and stick your butt way in the air. Very dignified like. I’m not sure if I’m doing it right or not. Is there a proper way to point your butt? Are the others pointing their butts properly? In my position, I can’t see if I’m still the best.
Not that this is a competition. After a while, I start sweating. And we’re not even doing hot Yoga. People think Yoga is wimpy exercise. These people have not tried it. Just try doing the “Triangle” for instance. Your legs are wide apart and you are leaning over with one arm up in the air. Holding these poses is tough. I just hope to God there isn’t a pose called the Hexagon coming up.
But so far, I’m doing pretty well. At least I think I am, until I look over and realize the teacher and the rest of the class are doing the pose exactly opposite of the way I’m doing the pose. Suddenly I’m that one little ballerina that’s off doing her own thing while the other ballerinas are all lined up like tiny dolls. I guess it could be worse. At least I didn’t lift my skirt over my head like my Thing One did at her first dance recital. She did have the excuse of being four-years-old, though.
At long last, we’re allowed to go back to our mats, vertebrae by vertebrae. As in, don’t flop your butt down on the mat. I’m not sure if I hit each vertebrae in my spine. Is that points off? There are no points, Alice. The teacher walks around and hands us blankets and bolsters. This is the easy part here. Corpse pose. That’s a really spooky name for a pose. Like we’re dead. I prefer to call it collapsing from exhaustion pose.
Yet this easy pose is really not all that easy. My back hurts. She offers me a chair to prop my legs in. Better, except I don’t think I’d fit in a coffin very well that way. I try to relax, but like in Kindergarten when they told us to nap and we didn’t want to nap (why???), I find myself having a difficult time relaxing. Breathe in, breathe out. It is nice lying there in the dark, eyes closed. You can even get a bean bag to put over your eyes to block out the light. No word on whether we get to do bean bag tosses later.
Too soon, nap time’s over and we have to get up. We sit together and have tea. Yes, Alice has a tea party after Yoga. Naturally. Will I go back? I think so. I like Yoga, even with the wobbling and the wtf poses. And the STUFF. I mentioned stuff before, right? I’ll tell you more about Yoga merchandizing next time.
Check out these other cool Yoga posts from my peeps in da bloggerhood:
Miss Four Eyes – The People You Meet at Yoga
Rarasaur – Blogging is Like Yoga
Carrie Rubin – Yoga Yoda Helps Me Find My Ergonomic Zen
Last chapter! Last chapter! Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter. I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages. What the hell? Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time. Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was. There is an Epilogue. Okay. Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages. I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps. The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.
Wait just a fucking second. Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view. In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there. Thank God for whoever leaked that book. But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.
Okay. I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me. Wrong choice of words. Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus. I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?
Moving on. There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care. Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father. I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father. The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her. And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones. Run, Mrs. Jones, run!
Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago. Nevermind, not going back to look. They go see the new house. Blah blah. They go have a picnic. Blah. Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde! Who gives a shit? Not me! He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana. Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by. They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.
Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.
She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again. My head hits the desk. End Chapter. Begin Epilogue. Crap in a hat.
OMG, James actually skips a few years. Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list. Bestseller. Sigh. Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild. You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever. But, um, she’s pregnant. I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses. Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?
It gets worse. I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe. After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”
Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap. Blah blah. And then . . . oh geez, why, why???? Okay. Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them. Just wait. Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James? Seriously. There is something seriously wrong here. Please say she doesn’t have children.
One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END. Except NOT. There are still pages with words on them. First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old. It’s as fascinating as it sounds. Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view. Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper. I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE. DONE, do you hear me? DONE! I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.
“That’s all. For now.” Good grief. She even ends it with a threat. But at least it ENDS. I’m going to have a drink. Or ten. Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it. You guys are the best, and all get As. Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.
Almost, almost there. I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina. Okay, so last time I asked you two questions: Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____. Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____. Some great answers here. Kirstenhwhyte accidentally got 23 totally right, as you’ll see below. And there were other answers that would have fit just as well, like buttplug (can be inserted into any sentence. Inserted. Snort), brain-dead, murder, gay, bang, pow, crack whores, cool whip, puppy, fart, vengeful wizard, wet dream, dunderhead, punchable, and of course, Robot Jesus. You guys rock.
Back to the neverfuckingending story. Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be freaking annoying. See, she goes in and out of consciousness, so we get little snippets of conversations. Ana has bruised ribs and a fractured skull (fortunately nothing important was damaged). Christian is suddenly concerned about the spawn and is informed that it is fine. Because it’s a freaking demon and nothing can kill it, duh.
Christian’s dad says Ana is so brave and Christian says she’s crazy and stupid. Gonna go with Christian on this one. The Cocker Spaniel is safe – she was only drugged. I can’t blame Jack for that – I’d have done it too. She hears her dad tell Christian “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will.” I’m not making that up. Just, yuck, gross, blech, ughhhhhh. Ana “spirals down into oblivion” – I wish she’d do that permanently.
Ana finally wakes up fully because she needs to pee. It’s so refreshing to hear about a romantic heroine’s need to eliminate bodily waste. Again. The nurse tells Ana she has a catheter, so you know, she could just go, but she thinks ew, gross. So we get this extended scene where Christian wants to see them take the catheter out but the nurse says no and then Christian insists on carrying Ana to the pot and they argue about whether he can watch and bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk.
Christian acts like a total asshole to the medical staff, ignoring their orders not to let Ana have food and I really hope she pukes it up all over him. As usual, Ana is in the hospital, but it is all about Christipoo who has “died a thousand deaths” again and no you haven’t, you haven’t even died once, damn it. He says he behaved badly (duh) and yay Ana is alive but he’s pissed at her and my head spins. Also he tells her she has no regard for her personal safety. Well, yeah, that’s why she’s with you, asshole.
Christian fills her in on more stupid crap about Hyde, the one who nearly killed her, but she’s most concerned about his ex because she’s Ana and she’s an idiot. Ana has Twinnings breakfast tea again. If I ever see that brand of tea, I will start a riot at the grocery store and stomp all of it into the ground. End chapter.
Chapter 24 begins and we are still in the same place we were last chapter arghhh. Ana made the papers, cause being the wife of the King of England, people give a damn about what happens to her. Oh, wait. The detective comes to talk to her about Hyde, but James skips that cause like, boring. Ana is told she can leave soon and Christian asks the most important question which is when can she have sex? Of course. Her father comes to see her and berates her for being a dumbass. I love the way the men show they care.
They have to take the back entrance cause of the paparazzi (psst Ana is queen) and they get home and take a shower together but no sex even though Ana is so desperate for it. Even with a concussion and bruised ribs. Right. After he soaps her all up we get to hear how Elizabeth was helping Jack cause he fucked her and kept blackmail tapes of it and . . . who exactly was Jack going to show this to? It makes as much sense as Jack getting out on bail yet NO ONE on the entire security team knowing this teensy bit of info. Duh-oh.
Christian warns Ana no more recklessness or he will “spank the living shit” out of her cause her Dad totally told him he could. No words for this. There’s more Ana begging for sex cause she can’t resist the power of psycho and then we hear how Christian was in the same foster home as Jack Hyde and that’s why Jack wanted to hurt Christian cause their paths were so similar and blah blah shitdoodle. None of this back story was necessary. Jack could have hated Christian for any number of reasons. This is just so lame, even for James.
Mia the spaniel shows up, and it’s a party of Ana you are so brave and Christian you are so special vomitttttt. And we find out Christian and Jack’s foster mom read him Are you my mother? and now James is ruining children’s literature stop it nowwwww. Speaking of kid stories, though, Christian decides to get Ana to sleep by telling her a sweet bedtime story about how he started screwing Mrs. Robinson. End chapter.
These chapters bit (-500 Batpoints), but the worst is yet to come! Next up, campers, is THE END – or IS IT? For your final Pop Quiz, write an essay about how much these recaps have changed your life. You are free to state your opinion. You’ll be graded for it, so you know, keep that in mind too. Be sure to cite your sources and show your work and all that crap!
Home stretch, peeps, home stretch. It’s like when you’re doing Yoga, and the nice lady tells you to just hold that awkward pose for a little bit longer. Just a little bit. And you fall over and Charlie Horse! Wait, no, we are going to hold the pose, guys. And I just lost track of my own metaphor.
Anyway, I asked two questions to my faithful and somewhat deranged readers. Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor? Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
In response there were Veggietale song lyrics about Ana’s vagina (the Veggietale / 50 Shades of Grey crossover sounds more promising all the time), mentions of Ana winning a medal by orgasming and queefing and giving the best BJs ever, and finally, several people pointed out that there could be no plot device in lieu of an actual plot. Good points, all.
I also received this disturbing information from purpleperceptions in my email. It made me faceplant on my desk. Repeatedly. Here it is:
No time for tears. Let’s get on with this incredible writing, shall we? So last we left Ana-dumkins, she was freaked out because Christipoo had been out with the “bitch troll” Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex that she does not obsess about constantly. Oh, she can forgive all the other stuff Christian does: the emotional abuse, the beatings, the way he makes her fear for her safety – but crap, he had a drink with his ex! That is unforgivable. So she “rocks to and fro” like baby, with “hot scalding tears” and I don’t give a shit.
When she’d done whining for a bit, she looks through Christian’s emails and finds one about crap related to the investigation into that guy who tried to rape and kidnap her. Ana thinks, meh, and goes back to bitching to herself about the ex. You know how some people sleep on the couch when they’re mad? Well, Ana locks herself in the playroom where Christian beats her, and goes right to sleep. Yeah.
So the next morning, Ana comes out and has this argument with Christian, or rather, she mostly ignores the asshole. Wait, what was that – a – a – spine? No way. She purposely takes off her clothes in front of him, does this twisted strip tease thing, and okay, maybe a spine, but a stupid one, wtf. She actually says stuff that makes sense, like that she “chose a defenseless baby” over her “spineless” husband. Hey, way to go, Ana! Those are some awesome last words there!
Ana goes on about how hot she looks, blah blah and Christian notices and starts to make a move. She tells him she’ll scream if he comes closer, he says no one will hear her (gawds this is so romantic) and she asks if he’s trying to frighten her. Christian is dumbfounded. Dur, that makes you scared when I say stuffs like that? Yet Ana thinks that if he touches her, she will surely succumb to his “sexpertise” but since she doesn’t, she clearly “deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor”. You know who really deserves that medal, Ana? The readers, that’s who.
Ugh, Ana goes to work and colors some pictures and sees her Dad who tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and then sees Mrs. Jones who also tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and if you believe, just believe, then Christian will become a fairy princess! Ana gets an email from Christipoo, but it doesn’t have cutesy flirty and oh nooos! Then she gets a call from Mia, but eh oh, it’s not the chirpy Cocker Spaniel, it’s . . . dun dun dun . . . Jack Hyde! End chapter.
Since I know you can’t stand the suspense, we’ll go right into Chapter 22. Jack informs the “prick-teasing, gold-digging whore” Ana that he has kidnapped that “little bitch” Mia. You have to love the cute nicknames they give the women in these books. In case you’ve forgotten (I’ve tried) Mia is Christian’s irritating, chirpy little sister. He tells Ana to get 5 million dollars to him but not to tell Christian or his security team or the cops (pfft, like anyone goes to the cops in these books?) Ana, brilliant girl that she is, agrees to his demands.
This sounds familiar. I have images of a dance studio, and another stupid skinny chick being tossed into mirrors because she went to rescue someone without the help of those more powerful. Could it be . . . nah, this is a COMPLETELY original book, you guys.
Jack says he’ll “fuck Mia up” before he kills her and I’m wondering if he means beat her or rape her or just insult her because fuck is used so often in this book I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore. Ana tells her secretary she has to leave early, again, as if this is a big thing. She hasn’t done a damn thing since she took the job but email, leave early, and yammer with Christian and his ex-girlfriends.
She finds Leila’s loaded gun that Christian tossed in the drawer and thinks “Jeez, he could get hurt” and I’m thinking if only. There’s a bunch of wacky hijinks with Ana tricking the security team and peeling out in her car (she gets to drive!) on her way to the bank (which is sleek, modern, and understated by the way). She asks the teller for 5 million and the teller (named Ms. Insincere Smile) immediately hops to when she hears that Ana is Christian’s wife. OMG a celebrity! Being married to Christian makes her even cooler than that Kardashian chick.
But eh oh, the teller guy calls Christian just because some strange chick claiming to be his wife wants to take out 5 million. I mean, jeez. Christian assumes she must be leaving him (like she’s that intelligent) and Ana goes with it since she doesn’t want Christipoo to interfere while she rescues the Cocker Spaniel, er, his sister. He tells her to take all the money and Ana wonders why oh why was she so upset just because he beat her and hung her up on the ceiling and constantly berated her for breathing funny?
Ana starts “weeping copiously” and the teller asks if he can get her some water (again with the water) and Ana says sure. Not like she’s on a deadline or anything. She feels the reassuring pistol at her waist and wait a freaking second – she’s in a bank and they didn’t even . . . nevermind. Jack informs her that there’s a getaway car in the back of the bank (the Dodge! I hope it is painted up like the Joker’s car. That would be perfect.)
It’s not the Joker in the car, but Elizabeth from the office (she was, like Jack’s boss, I think? I don’t care). They meet up with Jack at an abandoned playground (what no dance studio?) and suddenly we really are in a Batman episode. Jack slaps Ana (WHAP!), she bounces onto the concrete (BANG!) and then he kicks her in the ribs (KAPOW!) Ana remembers the gun and shoots him in the knee (PING!) and then passes out (WONK!) Chapter End.
Final Score: Pfft, screw the grading. I give it a -500 on the Batscale.
Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.
Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.
If you’ll notice, we will be covering two lessons today, class. This is in an effort to finish the book before E.L. notices and adds more chapters. Not that I’m paranoid or anything but DON”T TELL HER OKAY??? Right. So last time I asked you to fill in the blanks of this question. “In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.”
You all failed, like always, but there were some really awesome answers. But the best answer had nothing to do with the question and came from faithhopechocolate when we got into a discussion about what would happen if Bob and Larry from the Veggietales had to cover 50 Shades of Grey.
Bob: Now kids, what do you think is going wrong here?
Larry: Well, Bob, it’s pretty clear that God will forgive them, but maybe they should try forgiving each other first
Bob: Larry, it’s not going to happen. No matter how hard we pray, EL James will still be a bad writer with her so-called hero being a complete psychopath.
Larry: Bob, that’s sad. Can we pray?
I laughed so hard I think I broke something. I’d also think I was hell bound, except that this was made up by a lady who is becoming a Sister, so I think I’m safe. Maybe. Anyway, you’ll find out the answer soon enough, and it will be more horrible than you can possibly imagine.
Okay, so Ana’s dad woke up. So of course Ana and Christian must celebrate with disturbing sex! (Sexy Times, Alice Pukes, AliceScreams) Hooray! He trusses her up in her robe and has her touch herself. (Alice Pukes) Jeez, Christian, the whole point of masturbation is that you don’t need a moron like you around for it. (Facepalm) Way to ruin that as well. So this goes on for pages until Christian says “Come on, Ana” her cue to orgasm with him. (AliceScreams) I once again wonder if there is ever a problem with him asking her to follow and her suddenly falling on the ground in an earth shattering orgasm. That could be interesting at a family dinner.
There’s a lot more nothing. The detective comes back and blah blah Jack Hyde (remember him? I don’t) says Ana seduced him yadda yadda and fingerprints on the helicopter blah and Hyde’s a “fucker” and a “fucking asshole” with a “fucking game”. I’m all out of fucks. (BoredNow) Ana then goes to see her Dad and says “Laters, Daddy” (AnaFail) which is so not messed up and then is walking out of the hospital when her gynecologist, who apparently stalks her, runs up and insists Ana go get a peek and a poke right this second! (WTF).
So the gyno wants to know why Ana cancelled four appointments. Well, doctor, there could be a number of reasons. Maybe she got a new doctor. Maybe she chose a new birth control. Maybe she decided not to take birth control. And anyway, why is it your fucking business? (RedFlag) I mean, I have to schedule my gyno exams at least a year in advance to get into my doctor, yet Ana has one following her around begging her to come in? (WTF) What kind of doctor is this? Oh, wait, Christian chose her. (RedFlag, FacePalm) Nevermind.
So she has Ana take a pregnancy test before she gives her another birth control shot, and you’ll just never, never guess what happens! That’s right! Ana is now carrying a spawn of Satan – er, I mean, Christian. (Alice Cries) Ana reacts to the news like us readers. “What? No, no, no. Fuck.” End Chapter 19.
So chapter 20 begins and we’re still with the stalker gyno, who is also quite the condescending bitch. (AliceScreams) There’s this whole bit with the doctor offering her water (secretaries offer water, nurses offer water, gynos offer water, and we get to hear all about it) and Ana accepting. (AliceScreams) Then the doc says, what the hell, she’ll just give her an ultrasound cause she’s got time and there’s one right there in the same room. (WTF) Yeah, no need for an appointment or anything. Walk-in gynecological exams and sonograms are totally normal. (FacePalm)
Poor stupid Ana thinks the shot is supposed to be good birth control, but the doc says “It normally is when you remember to take the shot.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Ooh, snap, Ana! She totally freaks when the doc asks her to remove her panties, even though she does this like ten or twelve times a day. (AnaFail) I wonder if Taylor will be summoned to get her more panties while her legs are up in the stirrups.
Now it starts getting good. We get to meet sparkly wand! For more info, see Storkhunter’s informative blog. She puts a condom over the wand (remember, guys, always practice safe sex with your transvaginal ultrasounds) and sticks that sucker up her hoo-ha. (Alice Pukes) Ana thinks “holy fuck” cause like it’s been almost an hour since someone stuck something up there. The doctor then shows her the tiny blip that is her spawn on the screen. Ana continues to call it “blip”. (AnaFail) I call it “the bad seed”.
Then the doc, who five seconds ago was giving Ana hell for not using her birth control right, says “Oh, looks like the shot ran out early.” Like, wtf? So was it Ana’s fault for not getting a shot or not? Just – can you keep continuity within the same damn chapter, James? Too much? (AliceScreams)
Ana has all sorts of arguments with the voices in her head, and she’s certain Christian will hate her when she’s all fat with baby. (AnaFail) Also Christian will be mad because she didn’t get permission to get knocked up. But mostly she’ll be fat. Oh, nooos, what to do? We all know the answer. Email! (AliceScreams)
They say nothing, as usual, and Ana wonders if she should tell him after sex or during sex. (WTF) I say during, Ana, while you’re strapped up all dignified like. She sees her dad, and subconscious says sure you’ll see your dad again “provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse” I could see being nervous about it, but honestly thinking your husband is actually going to murder you – hint, hint. This is not a healthy relationship. (Fucking Red Flag).
I figure E.L. will drag this out more, but nope, she tells Christian, who acts like a mature adult and says “we’ll be okay.” Haha, just kidding. He totally flips his shit and acts like an asshole, screaming at Ana loving stuff like “This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up!” (Red Flag, Red Flag, RED FLAG) Wow. Be sure to record this one for the baby book, Ana.
Christian walks out on her, and Mrs. Jones gives her the magic cure for domestic abuse – tea! She goes to bed, and Christipoo returns, stinking drunk. He whines about the “invader” and how Ana will “choose him over me.” (RedFlag) Wah. Shut the fuck up, Christian. Ana gets him into bed, and then finds his cell phone and realizes he’s been out drinking with his former lover and child abuser, the ebil Mrs. Robinson. (Facepalm) And now Ana’s mad – not because her husband treated her like shit, but because of a woman, of course. (AnaFail, Double Facepalm) Ana, you’re an idiot, and there is no hope for this child. It’s going to grow up to be Macauley Culkin for certain.
Final Score: 100 – 62 – 120 = -82
Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?
Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
Chapter eighteen. We made it. Only four more to go . . . wtf? There are 25 chapters in this one? What? Why? When did this happen? Did she just add these? This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland. Just – honestly, what is left to say? I can’t imagine. What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next? Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
You know, I just realized something. They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings. I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life. How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.
Whatever. Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!” For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana. Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong. So was (A). Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.
Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like. “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage. Extra 50 point deduction right there.” On it, Ruby!
Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange. “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers. “Hi,” I mutter. “Hi,” he replies. Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors? Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm) Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail) And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it. Wow. There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone. Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)
Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes) and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap. God, that’s so original. Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22! She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail). I hate Ana.
They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator. Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)
Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now. It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause). (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed. He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)
Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail) Ana, you stupid bitch. After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana? How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract? Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse) They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise! Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party! So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom! Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).
Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”. Yeah. Sure. Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate). Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen. Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)
Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes) Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up! Whatever. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.
Ana is such a bitch. I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter. Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident. Oh, nooos! This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana. Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled. She doesn’t give a crap.
But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday. I included every one. They are awesome. Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!
Back to the Recap. Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital. Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds. You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once! I’m on the edge of my seat. Yawn. (BoredNow)
She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail) But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.” Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away. Ana is sadfaced. She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way! Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter! OMG! (AnaFail)
When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!” Because she’s surprised? Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital. They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail) Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there. Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow) Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF) What? He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative. She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.” And that’s not all. Later she tastes the tea and thinks “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life. The horror. (Double AnaFail)
Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo! He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag) But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived! Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing. Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something. Dickhead. (RedFlag)
The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them? The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams) Even Ana wants to kick him. The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma. Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff. (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens. I mean terrible.
Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”. I love that movie. And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation. Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L. Stop it. Stop it now. Last warning. (AliceRage)
Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts. (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum. That’s CEO talk for “firings”. I love this guy. (RedFlag) They go check on Ray in the ICU. Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds. Come on, you would too. You know it.
A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute. Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary. Good thing she’s in a hospital! I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz. Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams) Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color. Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)
Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana. After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)
Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath. He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF) Um, no, no she’s not. Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can. He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm) They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her. If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people. So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no. Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila. Just . . . really, Ana. Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)
They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing. I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow) Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow! Whoop-te-shit. They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what? Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother. He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case. I had awful images for a moment there, guys. I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!
She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel. He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does. Of course. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 60 = -10
In the next chapter . . .
A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.
B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.
C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!