Today, reader, you are in for a treat.  I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila.  In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure.  Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest. 

Leila

Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?

Leila: I am nobody.

Alice: Okay, then.  How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?

Leila: Whap.  Bang.  Boom.  Ouch.  Grunt.  Smack.  I love you. Good-Bye.

Alice: Yeah.  Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist.  What happened there?

Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid.  Christian came home from Georgia to see me.  Score.

Alice: That sounds . . . painful.  I do hope he got you some help.

Leila:  His maid took me to a hospital.  I don’t like hospitals.  White.  After Labor Day.  It’s so wrong.  So wrong.

Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think.  Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?

Leila: I checked myself out.

Alice: What?  I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing.  I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you. 

Leila: Oh, he did.  My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.

Alice: What?  You have a terrible shrink then. 

Leila: Christian assigned him to me.

Alice: Explains a lot.

Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know?  If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.

Leila’s prescription for mental illness

Alice: That . . . what?

Leila: Coo coo ca choo.

Alice: Next question.  I heard you met Ana.  What did you think of her?

Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?

Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing.  Also a psychotic boyfriend.

Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.

Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana?  Or Christian?  Or both?  And if so, is there any way we can help?

Leila: I’ve been following them.  It’s pretty easy.  They don’t know I’m there.  I watched them through the window.  They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.

Warning:
Do not insert into your “down there”

Alice: I don’t think I want to know.

Leila: Do you like Britney Spears?  I like Britney Spears.  I see dead people.

Alice: Right, back to the interview.  When do you plan on murdering them exactly?  And with what?  A bomb?  M16?  Poison?  I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Leila: He bought her a car.  I didn’t get a car.  She didn’t want it.  He put 24,000 dollars in her account.  I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum.  Why doesn’t she want the car?

Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could.  Speaking of, back to that murder . . .

Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed.  She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.

Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser?  What a brilliant idea.

Leila: I have to go now.

Alice: Sure.  You need to get on with your stalking.

Leila: Yes.  Also Bachelor Pad is on. 

Alice: Good luck, Leila.  We’ll all be rooting for you.