Tag Archives: Christmas

Boxing Day and Other Randomness

Once again, WordPress, I do not want to learn about your new editor, and you can’t make me.  Not until you take away the old one, like when the librarians took away the physical card catalog and I had to use the computer one.

Yes, there were physical card catalogs, shut up.

So I sort of missed telling anyone about what to buy for Christmas, and I’m super sorry because I know you were all bereft without my helpful shopping lists.  I like the word “bereft”.  I also missed Christmas day, but then I have had other Christmas specials if you want to check them out.  Come on, you have nothing better to do but work and I know you’re on WordPress right now.

weird gifts swiffer 2010s Jewel

You could have bought this great gift from my list! Girls go crazy for the Swiffer!

My best gift this Christmas was Tramadol.  I contracted another sinus infection (I can get them from pure air I think) and my head was going to explode and I told the doctor that regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen had not helped so could he give me a shot of the good pain stuff? The doctor asked why I didn’t just take regular pain meds?  Yeah, he did.  Then he looked at ME like I was your average druggie.  I am not average, you jerk.  He gave me the shot.  I felt so much better.  Thanks, Tramadol!

I even missed Boxing Day!  It’s a real holiday for the UK and Canada and I’m not sure who else.  Maybe UPS. I was just thinking about boxing day because my highly cultured 14-year-old brought it up, since she is in debate and thus reads way too much about politics, other cultures, and critical thinking skills. She once wore a shirt with a UK flag to a 4th of July celebration, and no one noticed. Question: Do you guys celebrate independence from us Yanks?

happy fourth

I’m getting this out early to all you Brits out there!

Also I found a snotty article in the New York Times about what Boxing Day is in America – hint: she’s snotty about how dumb we Americans are. I mean sure, we are, but like I need this chick to say it. I’m pretty sure she’s not British cause I didn’t see any extra “u’s in there or anything.  She said in the UK you guys give out canned goods and stuff to people right after Christmas (like how much charity to you NEED, sheesh), but that we Americans just stare glassy-eyed at our empty Christmas-present boxes.  My family did NOT, Ms. New York Times, we stared at our our still full Christmas bags.  They are festive and much easier than all that wrapping crap that my aunt insists on continuing to do, with ribbon so tight you have to saw it off with a knife.

The bags are still full because we haven’t figured out where to put the stuff away yet.  I know, first world problems right?  Where to put that pregnant mermaid ornament (an earlier gift from the same aunt)?  As far as cardboard boxes, I do have a lot of those because I shopped from Amazon this Christmas.  It is my hope that my small contribution will help them take over the world of merchandise, if Disney does not get there first.  I should also point out I shopped too much from the Disney store so . . . healthy competition, guys.

xmas amazon

You don’t even have to wrap them!

I did get a new computer since the one I’ve had for many years, which was a gift from a friend who had it for years before that, was conserving its last breaths of life by repeatedly turning itself off at random times.  My husband bought my new-to-me (refurbished!) computer with money from his extra job guarding the media gate (with his mere presence!) during the first half of the fall football games.  I think I’ll keep him, especially since in two days we will have been married for twenty years.  It seems just yesterday I was the 22-year-old clueless, glassy-eyed newlywed staring into the camera with no idea what I was doing.  I mean, I still don’t, but I’ve gotten better at hiding it.

Anyway, a new computer meant that I had to remember my old passwords which are usually saved on my computer because I can’t remember them.  I kept mashing the same words in, since I really thought I knew them this time, only to realize that I was trying to get into wordpress.org instead of wordpress.com.  I didn’t know there was a difference.  Once I got on the right one, wallah, I did get into my own blog and there I found a list of blogs to read, and one of those was anupturned soul’s, and guess what she was talking about?  Boxing day!  And she’s like certified British!

I think we may be Time Life books connected sisters, anupturned soul (can I call you soul?  Up?  Got a nickname?) because I also like Dr. Who, or I did before this latest one and I totally got your reference to Amy Pond. I think she is one of the best companions and I felt very sad when her baby melted.  For those who don’t watch, you had to be there. Thank you for your childhood definition of Boxing Day “. . . a day when everyone put on boxing gloves and punched each other openly, freely, without legal repercussions.”  I can get behind this holiday.  Like the Purge, only friendlier and not quite as bloody.

mary poppins returns poster

Ready for Boxing Day?

I do still plan on finishing my review of Mary Poppins. I am currently reading her second book, Mary Poppins Returns (also a new movie go watch now says Disney counting their money bwahahaha!) and the kids are still going on adventures and Mary Poppins is still being a jerk, so business as usual.  I haven’t seen Mary Poppins Returns yet, but I did watch Saving Mr. Banks, a movie about the author of Mary Poppins, P.L. Travers, and Walt Disney, who tried to get the rights to those blasted books for about as long as I’ve been married.  Also I saw Before the Mouse, a movie about Walt Disney’s early years and struggles to get started with animation.  Say what you will about him, but Walt Disney was freaking determined.  He also made his fortune without a “small loan of a million (or 600 million give or take) dollars”.

So now that you’re all caught up with me, what’s up with you guys?  Guys?

~Alice

 

Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp

I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two.  She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today.  How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?

Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)

 

7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance

Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.

6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers

You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.

“Oh, Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)
Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
Well, what positive vibes I’m getting from those lyrics. Well, in Germany they have Krampus…so I guess the emos have this Santa. First of all, what did this kid do that was so terrible the death penalty was fair? And why is Santa the one doing this? I infer this song takes place in Texas, cause everyone and their tapeworms have guns in Texas, and the death penalty is welcomed in any county (except Austin). In a literal and metaphorical sense, this song is angsty all the way.  In a metaphorical sense, it’s the angstiest. Now, what makes a song quote on quote”angsty” is a thick metaphor hidden beneath it, and lyrics that sound like they’d be on a scene kid’s myspace. This song is one of the most meaningful on this list. The boy in this song is feeling guilty about something is admits to, and he had no reason to do it. Santa represents everyone he loved and who was close to him. He fears that the one thing he did is going to make everyone turn on him, and he becomes a target. Or in another sense, this is someone struggling with intense anxiety, fearing everything they do is wrong and they will be terrible judged, when really its just a small mistake. D e e p

5. Santa stole my Girlfriend – The Maine
Santa really needs to calm down. He’s gone off the rails…too many kids asked for Nintendo switches. Santa doesn’t have the money for that. He tried to become a hitman and murder some kids that wanted the switches, but it just made it worse. Mrs.clause divorced him…he has to find a new one. That’s why he stole a girlfriend.
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
The meaning of this one is pretty obvious, guy loses the girl to a way better guy, end of story. Just…why use Santa? Santa didn’t deserve to be framed.

4. Yule shoot your eye out- Fall out Boy
Me and fall out boy, we’ve got some good memories. Like the time I ate icing from a cup during an existential crisis while listening to a whole album, yep, good times. Fall out Boy is actually one of my favorite bands…so let’s see what they have to offer.
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
I can feel the emo in me try to break free. I feel like this song is how the Republican party feels about Trump right now. This is the one song you would hear at some sort of angry poetry slam. If I was at an angry poetry slam, I’d read this and dedicate it to ajit pai (while writing this, my auto-correct wanted to correct “pai” to “pain” and I couldn’t agree more). I’m afraid Ajit Pai is going to be the one thing I despise under my tree this year.

I attempted to play this song on the ukulele… I regretted even trying.
3. Merry Christmas kiss my a**- All time low
This song is also one I’d like to dedicate to Ajit Pai. If this title alone doesn’t spell angsty, I don’t know what angst is anymore.
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
Don’t break up with any of the All time low members… actually, please don’t date them at all. I Don’t even have to analyze this song… it speaks for its self.

2. Merry merry merry frickin Christmas-  frickin A
It just gets better and better, doesn’t it? I actually really adore this song. I listen to it every year, and it still makes me want to sit in my grandma’s hallway attempting to avoid my family.
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
There’s also another version of this song, but I prefer this one since its more angsty. I know who is on Santa clauses sh**list though…(hint: his name happens to rhyme with pit die).
Note: the only video I could find of this version was Ouran high school host club… which I doubt you’d want to watch a whole bunch of highly romanticized gay boys dance around ( i actually used to watch that anime and I don’t know why) so…enjoy a harry potter version.

1. This Christmas (I’ll burn it to the ground)- Set it off
Oh Set it off, I loved you in 5th grade…now I’m not too sure. My and my friend both used to listen to this and talk about how much we related to it, which sounds psychotic but aren’t all 5th graders psychotic? I believe 5th grade was when I watched Minecraft videos and read creepypastas… I also had really edgy characters I made (one was literally named “blood stitch” and if I told you the story of that character, I would physically not be able to talk about it cause of how pure blooded cringe it is). My point is, this song is edgy, I’m still edgy, let’s listen to some edge.
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
Because…
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
You’re probably magically wearing black now. Just accept it, this song has the power to make Michelle Obama want to burn down her vegetable stash in anger.

Last Christmas I was emo, now it’s coming back. I blame this list for that.
Merry Christmas to all and to all an angsty night

 

WTF Christmas Songs

In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs.  There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”.  I got an irate reader years later from that one.  She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally.  Except when it is.  I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not.  It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.

This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people.  Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse.  I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them.  Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver.  I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.

Enjoy, kids!

This is just a portion of them.

1.Wonderful Christmas Time

This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63.  I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found).  However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly.  For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.

“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”

No more ringing!  Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects.  I love it!

2.Baby It’s Cold Outside

This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category.  Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay.  Because it’s . . .  cold, yeah, that’s it.  But hey, it’s warm in his – house!  They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc.  Charming!

Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.

3.Santa Baby

Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year.  She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women.  Good to know it’s equal opportunity.

Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff.  Hurry down the chimney, big guy!

It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!

4.Little Saint Nick

I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it.  The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck.  It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.

This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about.  The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.

It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick

Repeat this a million times or so.  Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.

5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver!  The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie!  I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.

I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category.  It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree.  Apparently this makes mom cry.  He says this a lot.  Dad drunk.  Mom sad.

Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!

Here’s the festive lyrics.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.

Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace.  Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade!  Twice!

Merry Christmas!

~ Alice

Stupid Christmas Traditions: Ugly Sweaters

Hi, all, it’s holiday time again and I sort of missed Thanksgiving back there, just like American retailers and British people.  I did find out from a loyal UK viewer that they have started having Black Friday sales, even though there is no Thanksgiving, so it’s good to know we are still having a positive influence on the world.  In years past, I have done posts on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, (Happy Link Drops!) or a combination of the two, which is actually more accurate to the relationships of Pilgrims and Native Americans at that time.

Pilgrims and Indians share Black Friday deals.

But Thanksgiving is dead and gone, just like the turkey you shamelessly murdered, so time to move on to Christmas.  That’s right, it’s Christmas, not Chaka Khan or one of those fake holidays.  Christmas with baby Jesus and Santa Claus and maniacal parents looking for stupid toys at inflated prices, and in-laws and dead trees and Starbucks cups, Hallelujah.  In the past, I have provided my readers with helpful lists of Top Ten Christmas gifts, real meanings of scary Christmas songs, details of Olaf the snowman on a killing spree, etc., and I will get to those, but first let’s talk about a Christmas tradition.

Tradition 1: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Once upon a time, people got ugly knitted sweaters (or jumpers if you’re a UK foreigner) from Grandma, and they had to wear them or else Grandma’s feelings would be hurt.  I like to think this was done on purpose by some Grandmas as an act of revenge for that nursing home, but generally they were supposed to be gifts they for some reason genuinely thought family members would love.

Some believe it was the Beatles who started the ugly sweater tradition.

Now, though, many Grandmas don’t sit around knitting sweaters all day.  They’re off in Vegas.  But people still haven’t forgotten about movies like “Christmas Vacation” and think they can be super cute by wearing “ugly” sweaters.  They even have contests for the most ugly sweater.  They had one at my former workplace, and the secretary asked the assistant director if she was in the contest.  She said “No.”  Awk-ward.

Your biggest question, I’m sure, is where people are getting these sweaters since Grandma flew the coop.  Well look no further, retailers have solved this for you!  They have purposely created lines of “ugly sweaters”.  Just – wait.  The whole point of the ugly sweater thing was that this was not done on purpose.  You wore it out of good old fashioned Christmas guilt.  You didn’t purposely buy it under a tag saying ugly.  If you purposely buy something ugly while realizing it’s ugly, you’re just dumb.  Also, these ugly sweaters aren’t even always ugly.  Some looked fine to me.  Who doesn’t like a cute penguin on their shirt?  Heathens, that’s who.

Anyone who doesn’t like Penguins is a commie.

Welp, that’s all I have time for today.  Please feel free to give any suggestions below for other stupid traditions, songs, or gifts, or whatever else your annoyed about this Christmas and my Things and I will try to cover it.

Merry CHRISTMAS so sayeth the Lord,

Alice

Merry Christmas! Have a Boar’s Head!

I was looking for another Christmas post, and realized I hadn’t done my annual making fun of Christmas songs.  So I looked up some on Wikipedia, figuring I’d find a few traditional carols along with standard irritating favorites like Frosty the Freaking Snowman.  Instead I found (along with messages begging me to give to Wikipedia – yeah right) a bunch of supposed songs I had never heard of, songs that were not just annoying but a special kind of weird you can only get from really old songs.  Like really olde.

Here’s a few titles.

Hi, guys!

Hi, guys!

Adam Ley Ybounden” – song from the 15th century which translates to, roughly “Hey Adam, ye boundin’ over to see Jesus?”

Bethlehem Down” – not that old a song, sung in the Anglican church, probably means something important, but I can’t help thinking of football.

The Cherry Tree Carol” – song in which George Washington chops down a cherry tree, and makes up for it by building a manger.  Or something.

“Children Go Where I Send Thee” – To bed.  Go to bed.  Now.

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” – like I know you’re Jesus, but could you GET here already?

The Friendly Beasts” – Like the cows in the manger?  Chickens?  Wolves?  Squirrels?

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” – wait, wasn’t He chopped down in that carol earlier?  Oh, that was cherries, now it makes sense.

Past Three O’Clock” – We’re still waiting, Jesus.

But there was one carol that stood out enough for me to actually click on it rather than make up stuff.  Just so you know.  Not made up.

Boar’s Head Carol

Now serving cheese with your boar!

Now with more cheese logs!

It’s got a whole story, guys.   A long, longe tyme ago, like medieval times, those silly Ango-Saxons used to sacrifice a boar to Freyr in ancient Norse tradition and then bring its head into the banquet hall with an apple in its mouth to scare the crap out of their wives!  Just kidding, they ate it.    St. Stephen stole the tradition, on the feast of Stephen I’m guessing, and gave it to King Wenseslas.  Later on we decided that was a lot of trouble and substituted ham instead.  So think of that next Christmas dinner.  If not for our laziness, we could still be eating boar head.

But it gets better.  In more modern times, like 1800s, William Henry Husk, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society (it is my goal in life to become librarian to a scared society of harmonicas), wrote about the tradition.  He said, and I quote whatever the great Wikipedia quoted:

Where an amusing tradition formerly current in Oxford concerning the boar’s head custom, which represented that usage as a commemoration of an act of valour performed by a student of the college, who, while walking in the neighbouring forest of Shotover and reading Aristotle, was suddenly attacked by a wild boar. The furious beast came open-mouthed upon the youth, who, however, very courageously, and with a happy presence of mind, thrust the volume he was reading down the boar’s throat, crying, “Græcum est,”[4] and fairly choked the savage with the sage.

Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!

Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!

Translated: Some dude forgot to do his homework, and made up an awesome story about choking a boar with his textbook.  Cause what college student hasn’t wanted to do that, especially if he had to read about Aristotle?  I’m not sure I’d have been in a happy presence of mind if a boar attacked me and all I had for defense was a textbook.  On the other hand, if we are talking about an English textbook, then that probably could choke a wild beast.  I’ve had to carry those suckers around, so I know.

What makes this storye (my Olde English professor would have strangled me by now, for soothe) better is that the tradition is still carried on in various parts of the world.  Back to Wikipedia!

Queen’s College celebrates the tradition by three chefs bringing a boar’s head into hall, with a procession of a solo singer who sings the first verse, accompanied by torch bearers and followed by a choir. The procession stops during verses and walks during the chorus. The head is placed on the high table and the Provost distributes the herbs to the choir and the orange from the Boar’s mouth to the solo singer.

There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .

There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .

You crazy Brits!  But wait, we Yanks do it too – in Ft. Worth, Texas?  Why, yes!  So sayeth Wikipedia “Inaugurated in 1977, this Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival features a cast of 300 magnificently costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, pipe organ, bell choir and the congregation’s renowned Chancel Choir.”  I gotta say, I share a state with Ft. Worth and have heard about it a lot, but never about the 300 costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, etc.  Wow.  Way to be far out, Ft. Worth!  You can also find celebrations of this in Georgia and Tennessee.  And you thought we Southerners couldn’t get down!

No word on whether these celebrations and processions still celebrate the tradition of tossing a textbook into a wild animal’s mouth, but I really think they should.  It’s not like you get any money back for your books anyway, or like most students even crack them open, so tossing them at an animal would be a lot of fun.  Not to mention goode olde traditional values.

Merry Christmas!

Alice

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells!

When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas.  Just – really – so many.  I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post.  Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately.  Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence.  I don’t pretend to understand it.

Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent.  Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies?  Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor?  And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs.  Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns.  I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers.  As per rules, I told them not to play guns.  They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.”  It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.

I have daughters, and they are into dolls.  Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent.  And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!)  I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that.  But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is.  The difference is how we choose to act on it.  And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain.  Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.

The Home Depot: Woman Who Shot at Fleeing Car Gets Sentenced, Says Will ‘Never Help Anybody Again’

I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what?  Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day.  By firing at the car as it drove away.  In the parking lot of a busy store.  She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away.  The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her.  Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs.  Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again!  Well, I certainly hope not.  But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady.  And all your wacky friends!  (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)

  1. The Gun Mug
For that suicidal coffee drinker!

For that suicidal coffee drinker!

I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.

2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt

I don't . . . even . . . wow.

I don’t . . . even . . . wow.

I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot?  And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty?  Will he just stick with a steak knife?   Who knows?  At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.

3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Are your pens locked and loaded?  Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered.  No, really!  While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose.  If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions.  Like a new job.

4. Warning For Not Warning Sign

I like the stylish gunshot holes - it adds pizzazz!

I like the gunshot holes – they add pizzazz!

So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them.  Thanks – for the warning?  I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it.  Oh, the irony!  Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!

5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife

For those who just can't decide what they want to kill with!

For those who just can’t decide what they want to kill with!

Sometimes people have to make hard choices.  Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse?  Or the knife or the gun?  Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both!  It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important.  Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond.  I bet someone is working on that now.  I love my country.  Available in multiple colors!

Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post.  Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.

Alice out.

 

Top Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family 2015!

Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it!  Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!”  Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it?  Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman?  If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again.  He might have escaped the house.

But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time!  (Click to Enlarge Pictures)

Gifts For Dad

What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you?  It’s a toughie.  But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.

Also makes a great mantle piece!

Also makes a great mantle piece!

What to say about this gift?  Just – so much!  As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll!  And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository!  Yes, that’s it!  Please don’t use let him use it as one!   Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first.  I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.

Gifts for Mom

What about mom?  You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip?  Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!

Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!

Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!

This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy.  Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is!  There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.

Just think - Grandma had to use a regular mop - in high heels!

Just think – Grandma had to use a regular mop – in high heels!

Gifts for Grandma

Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten?  Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical.  This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!

Here's what to expect from the future. grandma!

Here’s what to expect from the future, Grandma!

There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.”  Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills.  Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night.  Always be prepared, for children are evil!

Gifts for Grandpa

Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.”  Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.

Also makes a great Father's Day gift.

Also makes a great Father’s Day gift!  For Grandpa!

Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up.  Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously).  But this will last him so much longer.  Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it!  Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa.  Fun for the whole family.

Gifts for Kids

What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life?   Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way?  Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!

Weeee, crash, OMG!

Weeee, pop, crash, OMG!

This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself.  It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season.  Kids will like it too!  Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be!  Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor.  She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!

Sad that adults can’t use these too?  Well immature ones can!  If you’re bored, you can watch some.  I’m glad I did.

Gifts for Teens

This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.

weird gifts for teen girls

Now how do I get that kegger again – oh yeah, the book!

Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive?  Yeah, uh, books are dangerous.  Best to stick with tried and true.

You won't see him for weeks!

The ultimate care package at a great price!

This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters.  One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook.   It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks.  Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!

And last but not least . . .

Gifts For Rover

We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves.  No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum!  But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?

I like how uneasy the fish looks.

I like how uneasy the fish looks.

This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates.  The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it.  So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog.  Like wild kingdom right in your own home!

Happy Shopping!

Alice

On the First Day of Christmas Olaf gave to us

A dead anime in a popcorn machine!

It was Thing Two’s turn to hide Olaf first.  Thing One and I walked in to find this.

Olaf in the popcorn machine with the knife . . .

Olaf in the popcorn machine with the knife . . .

Expect more Olaf pictures (It’s Thing One’s turn next) and other Christmas posts.  I’m working on a Best Toys for Christmas list (I always find the most disturbing appropriate educational items for your little yard apes).  Expect information from the front about how Reeces peanut butter Christmas trees are clearly a plot of left wing commies (and Obama!) to destroy Christmas, and other hot political news, like whether Santa is still snowy white.  I’m also willing to take ideas if you have some.  Or leave me links to your posts – as long as they are on the “light” side because I’m not sure if I can go much deeper than peanut butter cups.  Stay tuned, and remember to say your prayers cause Santa is coming, and he knows what you’ve done.

Alice

Three Posts in One Blow

I had a lot planned, but just when I thought I was better, I was sick again and stressed and bummed and just in time for the holiday!  The one with the turkey, not Black Friday.  So I figured I would throw together a few posts because starting tomorrow is gonna be the FUN countdown to Xmas!  Happy Holidays, Fox!

“Thing One: The Musical”

Thing One was in the musical “Crazy for You”.  She had a small role yet was the star because Thing One.  We enjoyed playing “Where’s Waldo” with her each time they changed scenery.  “Where is she?” I’d ask my parents.  “Oh, THERE she is, in the corner.”  And while she may not have had but one line “Thank you, Mr. Zangler.” she was always animated, unlike some of the other kids who learned to nap with eyes open.

The fairly new musical was built around a bunch of old songs because – because.  Quick rundown of the plot.  Guy’s rich mom wants him to be a banker, but he wants to sing and dance and wear shiny pants.  Zangler is there with his Folly Girls (Thing One was one of them and wore this awesome slinky dress and make up and her hair done up so beautifully, aw) and he tells Shiny he’s a moron.  (I liked that part)  So Shiny goes to the Old West (or Nevada, whatever) and he meets this cowgirl and they are sort of in love but bad news their theater is going under, but Shiny has a way to save it – put on a musical!  He pretends to be Zangler, and gets a LOT of girls to come down to do the show.  For some reason, it doesn’t occur to him that there are only 13 people in the town, so this idea is probably not going to work.

Thing One - the family resemblance is striking!

Thing One in Folly dress- the family resemblance is striking!

Cowgirl falls in love with Zangler, not realizing that duh it’s Shiny. Then dancing girls showed up who I thought were just doing random numbers but no, they were supposed to be his delusions.  They came out a LOT, so prayers for Shiny.  Thing One was this lady with a suitcase, or sitting or standing off to the side, looking awesome.  Since I was just a few days out of surgery, I began feeling very sore midway through.  So that’s when they really brought out the songs.  I mean there was a song for everyone and for everything, even stuff that wasn’t happening.  But the songs finally ended, and the musical.  Thing One had a wonderful time, and went back to one of her favorite activities: sleep.

“Thanksgiving Post”

I watched a show on the history channel that was, shock, about history, the history of Thanksgiving.  Did you know that we made a lot of that up?  Shock! Like they found a letter from one Pilgrim who said yeah some Indians did help with the planting.  The Pilgrims showed gratitude by shooting off their guns in an attempt to scare off the Indians.  The Indians sent out a big scout party to check this crap out, right when the Pilgrims decided to have a big meal after reaping this awesome harvest all by themselves!  Well, the Indians see this, and decide to invite themselves, seeing as how there were twice as many of them as there were Pilgrims.

Guess who’s coming to dinner?

I would have loved to see the looks on the Pilgrims’ faces when they showed up.  But anyway, the Things took some pictures of “A Pocahontas Thanksgiving”, which makes as much sense as the other made up version.

Pilgrims Mel Gibson, John Rolfe, Bella Swan, and Blondie present gifts to the Indians.

Pilgrims Mel Gibson, John Rolfe, Bella Swan, and Blondie present gifts to the Indians: a life-size Manga comic, and a portable video game cartridge.

Indians Chief Powhatan, Jasmine Flower, Koko Puffs, and Pokey all love their gifts.

Indians Chief Powhatan, Jasmine Flower, Koko Puffs, and Pokey all love their gifts.

Chief Powhatan is totally ready to trade Pokey for the portable game cartridge.

Chief Powhatan is totally ready to trade Pokey for the portable game cartridge.

Koko Puffs admires comic while Bella admires Koko's . . . face. Bonjour!

Koko Puffs admires comic while Bella admires Koko’s . . . face.  Bonjour!

Pokey and Powhatan teach Pilgrims to plant in return for gifts.

Pokey and Powhatan teach Pilgrims to plant in return for gifts.

Chief: First you do push ups, then drop seeds in ground, heh.

Chief: First you do push ups, then drop seeds in ground, heh.

Pilgrims and Indians eat hotdogs, salad, and peppermint – the first Thanksgiving!

“25 days of Olaf”

Get ready, folks.  Since I was little too disturbed by Mr. Elf on the Shelf and his network of spies, I bought the Frozen version.  You’re supposed to hide Olaf the stuffed snowman in a new place every day.  The Things and I have already thought of many, many places to stick that snowman.  We’re planning to take a new pic each day for you guyz.  Also to scare the crap out of each other with the places and situations we put the snowman in.  Stay tuned!

The Stalking Snowman!

The Stalking Snowman!

Alice

 

Letters to St Nick

I had absolutely no idea what to write for a Christmas post so I figured I would let you look back fondly on that year I sued Santa cause why not?  I’ve helpfully combined all the posts (a series of letters back and forth to the big guy and our attorneys) right here.  You’re welcome, and Merry Whatever.

 

Alice’s Letter to Santa

12/12/12

In five seconds this letter will explode.

From: Alice [Alice@wonderland.com]

To: Santa Claus [thebigSman@northpole.com]

Subject: My Demands

Dear Santa,

Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer?  Just kidding!  I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap.  That is what you do, right?  I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept.  At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer.  Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God.  Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses.  Amen.”  I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.

My list is pretty simple this year.  I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone.  Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own.  Pfft, not really.  I want a lot of stuff for me.  You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child.  This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty.  I mean, Santa.

There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me.  First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs.  I hate them.  A lot.  Can you do that Santa?  That would be swell.

Next I’d like for politicians to shut up.  I think that would be ever so wonderful.  They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions.  With scripts.  Prepared by normal human beings.  I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this.  Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break.  Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.

But what material possessions would I like for me?  Glad you asked.  I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have.  Get me a Noo-Noo.  Also a new house.  I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop.  That’s okay.   John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know.  Thanks.

If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.

I’ll be waiting.  Don’t mess up.  I know where you live.

Alice
 
 
Santa’s Reply
12/13/12
Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa.  I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter.  Check it out:

I know, you're jealous.

I know, you’re jealous.

From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}

To: Alice [alice@wonderland.com]

Subject: Your Letter

Alice,

My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you?  And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time.  Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.

You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns.  Those only go to good little girls.  Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa.  That is a no-no.  Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.

And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say.  Yes, I know about those.  I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James.  Shame, Alice.  For shame.

I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog.  And I defriended you on Facebook.  I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended.  Very sad, Alice.  Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now.  Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.

Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated.  They do not work in a sweat shop.  It’s very cold here.  And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit.  Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice?  It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice.  For your information, Santa is just big boned.

If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:

Pet a kitten every day.

Smile.

Stop reading 50 Shades.

Try to be nice.  Or at least pretend.

Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus

P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately.  That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?

 

More Fun with Santa

12/14/12

That Santa is messing with the wrong girl.  I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.

 

From: Alice the Terminator [alice@wonderland.com]

To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]

Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?

Santa  Fatty,

Forgot to mention one little thing.  Ding ding.  That’s the sound of a reindeer harness.  I have the best new flashlight ever.  Also, a great lawn ornament.  The most realistic on my block.  Just sayin’.

Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:

Feelin' lucky, Santa?

Feelin’ lucky, Santa?

Looking forward to my Noo-Noo.  Hint, hint.

Alice

P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa.  “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password.  Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James.  F.Y.I.

 

Santa Strikes Back

12/15/12

Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick.  That’s what I love about WordPress.  The community aspect.  Hey, lookie, I got another email.

From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]

To: Naughty Alice [alice@wonderland.com]

Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now

Dear Alice,

There is no end to your depravity, is there?  I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer.  Instead of Rudolf, what do I get?  A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose.  A depressed pony at that.  Where is Rudolf?

I am not fooled by this, Alice.

I am not fooled by this, Alice.

If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh.  Then how will anybody get presents?  You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer.  Think about it.

Santa

P.S.   Santa has nukes.  F.Y.I.

 

Suing Santa

12/16/12

Well, this was getting out of hand, so I figured I needed some representation, STAT!  Fortunately Thing One offered some advice as well as the help of her firm.

(In other words, part of this post was Thing One’s idea.)

From: The Law Offices of Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel

To: Mr. Santa Edward Claus

c/c: Reindeer Incident

Dear Mr. Claus:

We refer to the incident involving the alleged kidnapping of one Rudolf Reindeer on the night of December 12, 2012.  Our client respectfully has no idea what you are talking about.  Said reindeer simply followed her home one day and our fellow attorney Sad Pony was there taking notes for the upcoming court case.  Our client consents to returning said reindeer, but requires back payment of Christmas Presents for the last thirty or so years in return.

Don't let this happen to you, Santa

Don’t let this happen to you, Santa

It has also come to our attention that you have a nuclear factory located within 50 miles of your workshop.  This is against North Pole code, and has possibly resulted in the glowing red nose of said reindeer as well as the various mutations found in some of your elves.  It would be in your best interest to cease and desist operating your factory, before more legal action is taken against you.

Sincerely,

Thing One

Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel, LLC

 

A Letter to Santa From his Attorney

12/17/12

Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings.  Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person.  We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog!  Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz.  Check it out: 

Dear Mr. Claus,

I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.

First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.

Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:

If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?

I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.

And it is no shock that Rudolph ran away. It’s entirely possible Rudolph is in cahoots with this Alice person.

Remember, he's done it before.

Remember, he’s done it before.

In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.

Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.

However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.

Sincerely,

Raven Elf,

Elf Law, L.L.C.

 

Well, after that exchange, you’d think I’d have gotten everything I wanted.  This is not the case.  Still waiting.  Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays to yours and Fox News.

Alice