Oh, Pee Pee Tree and The Greatest Gift of All: A Christmas Story
So it’s finally Christmas Day, and there is much to be thankful for – like that this day will soon be over and eventually your extended family will be gone. Here’s hoping you get into one of those fantastic political conversations that always go so well! Just think positive: Unless you are in a couple of states, it really doesn’t matter what you think or how you vote anyway!
Why am I so relaxed about this? Well, part of it is called Esketamine. It’s a nasal spray. Yes, that’s right, something I snorted into my sinuses has made not only made me happier but more relaxed than I have been in – EVER pretty much. I have always worried, since I was a little girl, and my body has been in permanent fight or flight mode for so long I thought that was how it was. Because while I hadn’t been as sad and stressed as I was when I was working full time, I wasn’t – well anything much. I was still a Mom, yes, but that was about all I could do. I slowly got worse and worse until I didn’t go out. I didn’t take basic care of myself. My house looks like a bomb went off filled with someone else’s crap, cause surely I didn’t buy this? So – I was thinking maybe there might be something more to life than this.
And so I tried the new treatment. And it was like getting glasses for the first time, and realizing I was supposed to see leaves on the trees.
Maybe I should snort something up MY nose.
Did you know the leaves are incredibly beautiful? I mean not when they’re swept into the gutter and filled with gunk, but before that. Listening to Christmas hymns about the birth of new life and hope now fills my formerly anxiety ridden chest with air that expands into ever rising joy. Stuff that used to worry me – like my in-laws on the holidays and how they don’t show up on time and you don’t know who is coming and they talk about how big their guns are (it takes two hands to hold that sucker up! Big Gun! Gun Big!), just floated off of my back this time. I learned the secret, gals. Be like men. Doze off in a chair. It’s amazing how effective that is. I even got offered a bed by my step-mother-in-law later.
Family dinners are always better with drugs!
That’s not all either. You see, last year we lost several Christmas ornaments when our shed got blown over and all those carefully collected ornaments from years past got rain damage. So I put the ornaments in labeled boxes in our craft closet to keep them safe. But then about a week before Christmas it occurred to us that maybe we should put up some decorations or something and we couldn’t find the tree, which is kinda the most important part. After a search of the house, it was still in the shed, only this time it didn’t get rained on – unless you count golden showers. As in the kind that come from tom cats marking their territory.
When ya gotta go, ya gotta go, ‘kay?
Those cats claimed that tree like no one’s business. My husband still brought it in because he’s a guy, and well, he got us a tree didn’t he? Problem solved! Except it still smelled of cat pee. Thing One tried the Lysol trick, but Lysol is no much for tom cat on fake pine. I was not going to put ornaments on that thing, so I mentioned to my parents that hey, our tree got peed on by cats. Can we borrow one of yours? Now my husband is normally dangerously laid back, but for some reason he decided this was the time to put his foot down and say that we were fine, and did not need another tree. Why we loved our pee pee tree; it was OURs.
Again, normally this whole thing would have me much more upset but since I am better (this is Alice on “better”) the first thing I thought of was how I could take that old classic “Oh Christmas Tree” and turn it into “Oh Pee Pee Tree, how smelly are your branches!” And then I could write a post about it. Because who doesn’t think of cat urine when celebrating the holidays?
What this tree needs is a little cat pee!
I was getting tired of the smell though, cause did I mention we also got two more turtles, making the total up to three turtles? No? Well, yeah there are three turtles. And a leopard gecko. I thought that was enough animal for our house without adding another special smell, so finally husband dear agreed to let my parents give us a small 3 foot tree which was just fine with me cause it’d take up much less space. My brave Thing Two took out the smelly tree to the garbage where maybe it will make a home for more alley cats. Reuse, recycle I always say.
Then today a six-foot-tall package showed up from Fed Ex. There was no return address. We were starting to think maybe this strange gift was from Santa, before I realized that the six foot tall box must be the gift my friend of over 30 years, Ravin, mentioned sending to the kids. Turns out I told a lot of people about the pee pee tree, and so in the spirit of the holidays, my old pal sent us a full sized tree. What a way to end a story.
Except not entirely. I still have several treatments to go of the Esketamine, and am staying cautiously optimistic about the effects (as well as the bill), but so far it has worked a real Christmas miracle on me. Since many people may want to know more, I plan on other posts telling about my adventures with unusual uses of anesthesia. I also, for the first time in a while, have plans and resolutions for the next year I hope to write about, saying we don’t get bombed by North Korea or whatever. But this was a Christmas story, so I think I’ll end it here.
Happy Holidays and a Pee Pee Free New Year!
Alice
Boxing Day and Other Randomness
Once again, WordPress, I do not want to learn about your new editor, and you can’t make me. Not until you take away the old one, like when the librarians took away the physical card catalog and I had to use the computer one.
Yes, there were physical card catalogs, shut up.
So I sort of missed telling anyone about what to buy for Christmas, and I’m super sorry because I know you were all bereft without my helpful shopping lists. I like the word “bereft”. I also missed Christmas day, but then I have had other Christmas specials if you want to check them out. Come on, you have nothing better to do but work and I know you’re on WordPress right now.
You could have bought this great gift from my list! Girls go crazy for the Swiffer!
My best gift this Christmas was Tramadol. I contracted another sinus infection (I can get them from pure air I think) and my head was going to explode and I told the doctor that regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen had not helped so could he give me a shot of the good pain stuff? The doctor asked why I didn’t just take regular pain meds? Yeah, he did. Then he looked at ME like I was your average druggie. I am not average, you jerk. He gave me the shot. I felt so much better. Thanks, Tramadol!
I even missed Boxing Day! It’s a real holiday for the UK and Canada and I’m not sure who else. Maybe UPS. I was just thinking about boxing day because my highly cultured 14-year-old brought it up, since she is in debate and thus reads way too much about politics, other cultures, and critical thinking skills. She once wore a shirt with a UK flag to a 4th of July celebration, and no one noticed. Question: Do you guys celebrate independence from us Yanks?
I’m getting this out early to all you Brits out there!
Also I found a snotty article in the New York Times about what Boxing Day is in America – hint: she’s snotty about how dumb we Americans are. I mean sure, we are, but like I need this chick to say it. I’m pretty sure she’s not British cause I didn’t see any extra “u’s in there or anything. She said in the UK you guys give out canned goods and stuff to people right after Christmas (like how much charity to you NEED, sheesh), but that we Americans just stare glassy-eyed at our empty Christmas-present boxes. My family did NOT, Ms. New York Times, we stared at our our still full Christmas bags. They are festive and much easier than all that wrapping crap that my aunt insists on continuing to do, with ribbon so tight you have to saw it off with a knife.
The bags are still full because we haven’t figured out where to put the stuff away yet. I know, first world problems right? Where to put that pregnant mermaid ornament (an earlier gift from the same aunt)? As far as cardboard boxes, I do have a lot of those because I shopped from Amazon this Christmas. It is my hope that my small contribution will help them take over the world of merchandise, if Disney does not get there first. I should also point out I shopped too much from the Disney store so . . . healthy competition, guys.
You don’t even have to wrap them!
I did get a new computer since the one I’ve had for many years, which was a gift from a friend who had it for years before that, was conserving its last breaths of life by repeatedly turning itself off at random times. My husband bought my new-to-me (refurbished!) computer with money from his extra job guarding the media gate (with his mere presence!) during the first half of the fall football games. I think I’ll keep him, especially since in two days we will have been married for twenty years. It seems just yesterday I was the 22-year-old clueless, glassy-eyed newlywed staring into the camera with no idea what I was doing. I mean, I still don’t, but I’ve gotten better at hiding it.
Anyway, a new computer meant that I had to remember my old passwords which are usually saved on my computer because I can’t remember them. I kept mashing the same words in, since I really thought I knew them this time, only to realize that I was trying to get into wordpress.org instead of wordpress.com. I didn’t know there was a difference. Once I got on the right one, wallah, I did get into my own blog and there I found a list of blogs to read, and one of those was anupturned soul’s, and guess what she was talking about? Boxing day! And she’s like certified British!
I think we may be Time Life books connected sisters, anupturned soul (can I call you soul? Up? Got a nickname?) because I also like Dr. Who, or I did before this latest one and I totally got your reference to Amy Pond. I think she is one of the best companions and I felt very sad when her baby melted. For those who don’t watch, you had to be there. Thank you for your childhood definition of Boxing Day “. . . a day when everyone put on boxing gloves and punched each other openly, freely, without legal repercussions.” I can get behind this holiday. Like the Purge, only friendlier and not quite as bloody.
Ready for Boxing Day?
I do still plan on finishing my review of Mary Poppins. I am currently reading her second book, Mary Poppins Returns (also a new movie go watch now says Disney counting their money bwahahaha!) and the kids are still going on adventures and Mary Poppins is still being a jerk, so business as usual. I haven’t seen Mary Poppins Returns yet, but I did watch Saving Mr. Banks, a movie about the author of Mary Poppins, P.L. Travers, and Walt Disney, who tried to get the rights to those blasted books for about as long as I’ve been married. Also I saw Before the Mouse, a movie about Walt Disney’s early years and struggles to get started with animation. Say what you will about him, but Walt Disney was freaking determined. He also made his fortune without a “small loan of a million (or 600 million give or take) dollars”.
So now that you’re all caught up with me, what’s up with you guys? Guys?
~Alice
Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp
I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two. She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today. How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?
Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)
7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance
Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.
6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers
You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.
“Oh, SantaI’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself aliveDon’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
Because…
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
WTF Christmas Songs
In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs. There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”. I got an irate reader years later from that one. She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally. Except when it is. I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not. It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.
This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people. Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse. I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them. Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver. I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.
Enjoy, kids!
This is just a portion of them.
1.Wonderful Christmas Time
This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63. I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found). However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly. For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.
“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”
No more ringing! Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects. I love it!
2.Baby It’s Cold Outside
This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category. Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay. Because it’s . . . cold, yeah, that’s it. But hey, it’s warm in his – house! They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc. Charming!
Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.
3.Santa Baby
Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year. She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women. Good to know it’s equal opportunity.
Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff. Hurry down the chimney, big guy!
It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!
4.Little Saint Nick
I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it. The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck. It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.
This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about. The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
Repeat this a million times or so. Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.
5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver! The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie! I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.
I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category. It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree. Apparently this makes mom cry. He says this a lot. Dad drunk. Mom sad.
Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!
Here’s the festive lyrics.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.
Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace. Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade! Twice!
Merry Christmas!
~ Alice
Stupid Christmas Traditions: Ugly Sweaters
Hi, all, it’s holiday time again and I sort of missed Thanksgiving back there, just like American retailers and British people. I did find out from a loyal UK viewer that they have started having Black Friday sales, even though there is no Thanksgiving, so it’s good to know we are still having a positive influence on the world. In years past, I have done posts on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, (Happy Link Drops!) or a combination of the two, which is actually more accurate to the relationships of Pilgrims and Native Americans at that time.
Pilgrims and Indians share Black Friday deals.
But Thanksgiving is dead and gone, just like the turkey you shamelessly murdered, so time to move on to Christmas. That’s right, it’s Christmas, not Chaka Khan or one of those fake holidays. Christmas with baby Jesus and Santa Claus and maniacal parents looking for stupid toys at inflated prices, and in-laws and dead trees and Starbucks cups, Hallelujah. In the past, I have provided my readers with helpful lists of Top Ten Christmas gifts, real meanings of scary Christmas songs, details of Olaf the snowman on a killing spree, etc., and I will get to those, but first let’s talk about a Christmas tradition.
Tradition 1: Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Once upon a time, people got ugly knitted sweaters (or jumpers if you’re a UK foreigner) from Grandma, and they had to wear them or else Grandma’s feelings would be hurt. I like to think this was done on purpose by some Grandmas as an act of revenge for that nursing home, but generally they were supposed to be gifts they for some reason genuinely thought family members would love.
Some believe it was the Beatles who started the ugly sweater tradition.
Now, though, many Grandmas don’t sit around knitting sweaters all day. They’re off in Vegas. But people still haven’t forgotten about movies like “Christmas Vacation” and think they can be super cute by wearing “ugly” sweaters. They even have contests for the most ugly sweater. They had one at my former workplace, and the secretary asked the assistant director if she was in the contest. She said “No.” Awk-ward.
Your biggest question, I’m sure, is where people are getting these sweaters since Grandma flew the coop. Well look no further, retailers have solved this for you! They have purposely created lines of “ugly sweaters”. Just – wait. The whole point of the ugly sweater thing was that this was not done on purpose. You wore it out of good old fashioned Christmas guilt. You didn’t purposely buy it under a tag saying ugly. If you purposely buy something ugly while realizing it’s ugly, you’re just dumb. Also, these ugly sweaters aren’t even always ugly. Some looked fine to me. Who doesn’t like a cute penguin on their shirt? Heathens, that’s who.
Anyone who doesn’t like Penguins is a commie.
Welp, that’s all I have time for today. Please feel free to give any suggestions below for other stupid traditions, songs, or gifts, or whatever else your annoyed about this Christmas and my Things and I will try to cover it.
Merry CHRISTMAS so sayeth the Lord,
Alice
Merry Christmas! Have a Boar’s Head!
I was looking for another Christmas post, and realized I hadn’t done my annual making fun of Christmas songs. So I looked up some on Wikipedia, figuring I’d find a few traditional carols along with standard irritating favorites like Frosty the Freaking Snowman. Instead I found (along with messages begging me to give to Wikipedia – yeah right) a bunch of supposed songs I had never heard of, songs that were not just annoying but a special kind of weird you can only get from really old songs. Like really olde.
Here’s a few titles.
Hi, guys!
“Adam Ley Ybounden” – song from the 15th century which translates to, roughly “Hey Adam, ye boundin’ over to see Jesus?”
“Bethlehem Down” – not that old a song, sung in the Anglican church, probably means something important, but I can’t help thinking of football.
“The Cherry Tree Carol” – song in which George Washington chops down a cherry tree, and makes up for it by building a manger. Or something.
“Children Go Where I Send Thee” – To bed. Go to bed. Now.
“Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” – like I know you’re Jesus, but could you GET here already?
“The Friendly Beasts” – Like the cows in the manger? Chickens? Wolves? Squirrels?
“Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” – wait, wasn’t He chopped down in that carol earlier? Oh, that was cherries, now it makes sense.
“Past Three O’Clock” – We’re still waiting, Jesus.
But there was one carol that stood out enough for me to actually click on it rather than make up stuff. Just so you know. Not made up.
Now with more cheese logs!
It’s got a whole story, guys. A long, longe tyme ago, like medieval times, those silly Ango-Saxons used to sacrifice a boar to Freyr in ancient Norse tradition and then bring its head into the banquet hall with an apple in its mouth to scare the crap out of their wives! Just kidding, they ate it. St. Stephen stole the tradition, on the feast of Stephen I’m guessing, and gave it to King Wenseslas. Later on we decided that was a lot of trouble and substituted ham instead. So think of that next Christmas dinner. If not for our laziness, we could still be eating boar head.
But it gets better. In more modern times, like 1800s, William Henry Husk, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society (it is my goal in life to become librarian to a scared society of harmonicas), wrote about the tradition. He said, and I quote whatever the great Wikipedia quoted:
“Where an amusing tradition formerly current in Oxford concerning the boar’s head custom, which represented that usage as a commemoration of an act of valour performed by a student of the college, who, while walking in the neighbouring forest of Shotover and reading Aristotle, was suddenly attacked by a wild boar. The furious beast came open-mouthed upon the youth, who, however, very courageously, and with a happy presence of mind, thrust the volume he was reading down the boar’s throat, crying, “Græcum est,”[4] and fairly choked the savage with the sage.”
Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!
Translated: Some dude forgot to do his homework, and made up an awesome story about choking a boar with his textbook. Cause what college student hasn’t wanted to do that, especially if he had to read about Aristotle? I’m not sure I’d have been in a happy presence of mind if a boar attacked me and all I had for defense was a textbook. On the other hand, if we are talking about an English textbook, then that probably could choke a wild beast. I’ve had to carry those suckers around, so I know.
What makes this storye (my Olde English professor would have strangled me by now, for soothe) better is that the tradition is still carried on in various parts of the world. Back to Wikipedia!
“Queen’s College celebrates the tradition by three chefs bringing a boar’s head into hall, with a procession of a solo singer who sings the first verse, accompanied by torch bearers and followed by a choir. The procession stops during verses and walks during the chorus. The head is placed on the high table and the Provost distributes the herbs to the choir and the orange from the Boar’s mouth to the solo singer.”
There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .
You crazy Brits! But wait, we Yanks do it too – in Ft. Worth, Texas? Why, yes! So sayeth Wikipedia “Inaugurated in 1977, this Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival features a cast of 300 magnificently costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, pipe organ, bell choir and the congregation’s renowned Chancel Choir.” I gotta say, I share a state with Ft. Worth and have heard about it a lot, but never about the 300 costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, etc. Wow. Way to be far out, Ft. Worth! You can also find celebrations of this in Georgia and Tennessee. And you thought we Southerners couldn’t get down!
No word on whether these celebrations and processions still celebrate the tradition of tossing a textbook into a wild animal’s mouth, but I really think they should. It’s not like you get any money back for your books anyway, or like most students even crack them open, so tossing them at an animal would be a lot of fun. Not to mention goode olde traditional values.
Merry Christmas!
Alice
Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells!
When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas. Just – really – so many. I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post. Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately. Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence. I don’t pretend to understand it.
Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent. Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies? Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor? And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs. Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns. I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers. As per rules, I told them not to play guns. They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.” It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.
I have daughters, and they are into dolls. Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent. And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!) I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that. But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is. The difference is how we choose to act on it. And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain. Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.
The Home Depot: Woman Who Shot at Fleeing Car Gets Sentenced, Says Will ‘Never Help Anybody Again’
I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what? Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day. By firing at the car as it drove away. In the parking lot of a busy store. She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away. The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her. Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs. Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again! Well, I certainly hope not. But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady. And all your wacky friends! (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)
- The Gun Mug
For that suicidal coffee drinker!
I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.
2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt
I don’t . . . even . . . wow.
I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot? And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty? Will he just stick with a steak knife? Who knows? At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.
3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder
Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!
Are your pens locked and loaded? Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered. No, really! While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose. If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions. Like a new job.
4. Warning For Not Warning Sign
I like the gunshot holes – they add pizzazz!
So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them. Thanks – for the warning? I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it. Oh, the irony! Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!
5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife
For those who just can’t decide what they want to kill with!
Sometimes people have to make hard choices. Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse? Or the knife or the gun? Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both! It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important. Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond. I bet someone is working on that now. I love my country. Available in multiple colors!
Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post. Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.
Alice out.
Top Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family 2015!
Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it! Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!” Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it? Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman? If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again. He might have escaped the house.
But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time! (Click to Enlarge Pictures)
Gifts For Dad
What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you? It’s a toughie. But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.
Also makes a great mantle piece!
What to say about this gift? Just – so much! As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll! And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository! Yes, that’s it! Please don’t use let him use it as one! Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first. I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.
Gifts for Mom
What about mom? You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip? Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!
Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!
This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy. Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is! There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.
Just think – Grandma had to use a regular mop – in high heels!
Gifts for Grandma
Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten? Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical. This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!
Here’s what to expect from the future, Grandma!
There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.” Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills. Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night. Always be prepared, for children are evil!
Gifts for Grandpa
Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.” Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.
Also makes a great Father’s Day gift! For Grandpa!
Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up. Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously). But this will last him so much longer. Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it! Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa. Fun for the whole family.
Gifts for Kids
What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life? Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way? Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!
Weeee, pop, crash, OMG!
This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself. It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season. Kids will like it too! Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be! Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor. She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!
Sad that adults can’t use these too? Well immature ones can! If you’re bored, you can watch some. I’m glad I did.
Gifts for Teens
This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.
Now how do I get that kegger again – oh yeah, the book!
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive? Yeah, uh, books are dangerous. Best to stick with tried and true.
The ultimate care package at a great price!
This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters. One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook. It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks. Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!
And last but not least . . .
Gifts For Rover
We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves. No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum! But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?
I like how uneasy the fish looks.
This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates. The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it. So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog. Like wild kingdom right in your own home!
Happy Shopping!
Alice
Three Posts in One Blow
I had a lot planned, but just when I thought I was better, I was sick again and stressed and bummed and just in time for the holiday! The one with the turkey, not Black Friday. So I figured I would throw together a few posts because starting tomorrow is gonna be the FUN countdown to Xmas! Happy Holidays, Fox!
“Thing One: The Musical”
Thing One was in the musical “Crazy for You”. She had a small role yet was the star because Thing One. We enjoyed playing “Where’s Waldo” with her each time they changed scenery. “Where is she?” I’d ask my parents. “Oh, THERE she is, in the corner.” And while she may not have had but one line “Thank you, Mr. Zangler.” she was always animated, unlike some of the other kids who learned to nap with eyes open.
The fairly new musical was built around a bunch of old songs because – because. Quick rundown of the plot. Guy’s rich mom wants him to be a banker, but he wants to sing and dance and wear shiny pants. Zangler is there with his Folly Girls (Thing One was one of them and wore this awesome slinky dress and make up and her hair done up so beautifully, aw) and he tells Shiny he’s a moron. (I liked that part) So Shiny goes to the Old West (or Nevada, whatever) and he meets this cowgirl and they are sort of in love but bad news their theater is going under, but Shiny has a way to save it – put on a musical! He pretends to be Zangler, and gets a LOT of girls to come down to do the show. For some reason, it doesn’t occur to him that there are only 13 people in the town, so this idea is probably not going to work.
Thing One in Folly dress- the family resemblance is striking!
Cowgirl falls in love with Zangler, not realizing that duh it’s Shiny. Then dancing girls showed up who I thought were just doing random numbers but no, they were supposed to be his delusions. They came out a LOT, so prayers for Shiny. Thing One was this lady with a suitcase, or sitting or standing off to the side, looking awesome. Since I was just a few days out of surgery, I began feeling very sore midway through. So that’s when they really brought out the songs. I mean there was a song for everyone and for everything, even stuff that wasn’t happening. But the songs finally ended, and the musical. Thing One had a wonderful time, and went back to one of her favorite activities: sleep.
“Thanksgiving Post”
I watched a show on the history channel that was, shock, about history, the history of Thanksgiving. Did you know that we made a lot of that up? Shock! Like they found a letter from one Pilgrim who said yeah some Indians did help with the planting. The Pilgrims showed gratitude by shooting off their guns in an attempt to scare off the Indians. The Indians sent out a big scout party to check this crap out, right when the Pilgrims decided to have a big meal after reaping this awesome harvest all by themselves! Well, the Indians see this, and decide to invite themselves, seeing as how there were twice as many of them as there were Pilgrims.
Guess who’s coming to dinner?
I would have loved to see the looks on the Pilgrims’ faces when they showed up. But anyway, the Things took some pictures of “A Pocahontas Thanksgiving”, which makes as much sense as the other made up version.
Pilgrims Mel Gibson, John Rolfe, Bella Swan, and Blondie present gifts to the Indians: a life-size Manga comic, and a portable video game cartridge.
Indians Chief Powhatan, Jasmine Flower, Koko Puffs, and Pokey all love their gifts.
Chief Powhatan is totally ready to trade Pokey for the portable game cartridge.
Koko Puffs admires comic while Bella admires Koko’s . . . face. Bonjour!
Pokey and Powhatan teach Pilgrims to plant in return for gifts.
Chief: First you do push ups, then drop seeds in ground, heh.
Pilgrims and Indians eat hotdogs, salad, and peppermint – the first Thanksgiving!
“25 days of Olaf”
Get ready, folks. Since I was little too disturbed by Mr. Elf on the Shelf and his network of spies, I bought the Frozen version. You’re supposed to hide Olaf the stuffed snowman in a new place every day. The Things and I have already thought of many, many places to stick that snowman. We’re planning to take a new pic each day for you guyz. Also to scare the crap out of each other with the places and situations we put the snowman in. Stay tuned!
The Stalking Snowman!
Alice
aliceatwonderland 