I know I still have like a week of that gratitude stuff left (21 days is supposed to be how long it takes to form a habit, but I do several at once and skip weeks so I’m thinking it’s not going to have the proper effects) but I’d rather talk about Cinderella because I can.
OMGORSH guys, I got to see a movie in the theater for the first time since the last Harry Potter movie came out and my husband had to see it on opening day for some reason so I needed to see this one on opening day because it wasn’t just Cinderella there was also a Frozen short before it that was going to be super cute and FROZEN so it was important to go on opening day.
The short was fun. Elsa plans a party for Anna but she gets a cold and snorts out snow boogers all over the place. No, really, that’s what happens. When I first saw the picture for the short, I was afraid that the snowman had somehow reproduced and I was really, really scared, but snow boogers are not so bad. I do have to wonder what would happen if Elsa had the stomach flu, or God forbid, Montezuma’s revenge. Lots of dirty slush? In other words, a typical day in New York?
But that was just a short (that produced more dolls in new outfits surprise shocker!). The main attraction was the live-action version of Cinderella. I wasn’t sure what to expect, having not been that impressed with Maleficent for reasons I’ll tell you in another review. I will say that Angelina Jolie makes a good evil fairy, but that’s not necessarily a compliment. I would have preferred her in greenish skin. More authentic plus entertaining.
Cinderella surpassed my expectations, which were pretty low, but I figured the guy was cute and ooh pretty dresses plus Helena Bonham Carter playing a quirky fairy godmother which is very different from when she played the quirky insane Bellatrix from Harry Potter, though they both had similar wands. Part me wanted her to just go completely insane and start transforming the entire place. Like if she could make a lizard into a footman (whatever that is) then why not make Cinderella into a lizard? Why? Because lizards can’t wear dresses, stupid, and the dress is where it’s at.
But there’s stuff before all of that. Like for instance you see her mother before she goes six feet under. Yeah, really! And her father too. They are really great actors and it makes you all teary even if they did seem to be just a touch too whimsical and perfect before they were axed. But then comes the evil stepmother, and may I say, I like her evil. Also the stepsisters and their constant ripping out of each others’ hair. They treat Ella (who one of the sisters nicknames Cinderella in a random fit of brilliance) like crap and they all cackle like freaks. You might think this is unrealistic if you haven’t been around real awful people; but I can assure you, they are spot on.
Cinderella is sentenced to live in the attic, but it’s far away from them, so she’s actually pretty happy about it. I love when people try to be nasty and it just makes the victim happier. Like when my Evil Dead Alien Soul Boss had me go shelf read books for hours and I would just sit there and daydream while the others did all the real work. As you can see, I identified a bit with poor Cinderella. I’ve had to put up with crap. I mean, my parents had me do chores, and I had an older brother who hung me from basketball goals (okay at my request but still who listens to a six-year-old?) and every little girl at least once pretends to be Cinderella if only to make people feel sorry for her and give her nice shoes.
The shoes are one of the better jokes (both Cindy and the prince are like wtf glass?) but as it turns out, they are really quite comfortable. Must be those Dr. Scholl’s insoles. Cindy be gellin’. I hate to give it away (SPOILERS ZOMG) but she does get to go to the ball in this freaking awesome carriage that I totally want for my very own. I would be stylin’ in the parking lot at work. She also has this incredible dress and he looks pretty hot too (and there’s a personality in that hotness!) and it’s fun to watch them dance around although my husband decided he needed to get up for what was apparently a 45 minute bathroom break spent playing with the claw machines. I can’t BELIEVE he got bored with this movie and was dumb enough to act on it. He did win a tablet, but trust me men, it’s not worth it because I am not forgetting about this ANY TIME SOON.
Wait, I got off track a bit. Let’s see, you might be wondering about the mice. No, they don’t talk, thank goodness. She does handle them an awful lot, which makes me think she’s a plague victim ready to happen, but it turns out okay. And oh yeah, the ball! That was fun, and then there’s a great scene where Cinderella asks her stepmother “Why are you so cruel?” And she answers “Because you’re so innocent, and good, and I’m . . .” Let’s fill in the blanks people! Starts with b, rhymes with itch! I kid, but this is the honest truth. If someone bullies you, that’s usually why. Because they are pathetic, wretched little people underneath all their glamour.
And that’s what strikes me most about this movie. Unlike popular sentiment, this is not an anti-feminist movie. She doesn’t need the prince to save her – his love is her reward for putting up with cruelty with hard work, dignity, and honor. She does her chores but she does not stoop to their level. And she doesn’t sit around the house because she is waiting for rescue. It’s her bloody house, and she doesn’t want to lose it. So she works hard, and she keeps the memories of her good times, something they can never take from her, inside. Her mother, before her death, tells her to “Have courage. And be kind. There is magic in kindness.” And so there is.
Cinderella, Cinderella, do the laundry, do the dishes, yadda yadda. I’m sure quite a few children pictured themselves Cinderella at some point. Of course, then these little girls grow up and they really DO have to do all the work, while children cry “Mommy, Mommy” instead of Cinderella and Prince Charming hides under his car.
But I digress. The story of Cinderella begins much the same way as Snow White. Mom promptly drops dead of “Disney and/or fairy tales in general hate mom syndrome.” Cinderella is left with dumb Dad, who once again gets her an evil stepmother and then drops dead. Thanks, Dad. This time, it’s worse, though, because Cinderella also gets two mean stepsisters to go with the mean stepmother. Instant dysfunctional family!
And like Snow White, Cinderella is made a servant in her own home. Only difference is she’s some sort of nobility instead of a princess. And she likes to sit by the cinders in the fireplace, so they call her “Cinder-ella.” Good thing she didn’t like sitting by the cow chips.
Cinderella puts up with the abuse with a happy smile, just like all women should. She sings while she cleans (Wtf with the singing while you clean? I never once was tempted to sing while I cleaned.) Also, she has help with her work. From the vermin. Yes, that’s right, even the disease infested rats love Cinderella. She feeds them and protects them from Lucifer (uh huh) the cat and knits them tiny clothes in all her spare time, and in return they keep her company. Reminds me a little of that show “Infested”.
So her miserable life goes on, with stepmom and stepsisters (who the story points out are ugly, which automatically equals evil in fairy tale logic) loading chores on her while they lay around being ugly and whatnot. Until one day they get this invitation to the prince’s ball. He’s bride shopping, and any girl who shows up gets a chance at the bidding block. Woot! Stepmother decides that her daughters are going to attract the prince, because she’s somewhat delusional. We’re talking an episode of “The Bachelor” here, not “Beauty and the Beast.”
Cinderella wants to go too, and so stepmom says that sure she can go, as long as she finds herself suitable clothes and finishes the impossible list of chores she gives her. What a saint. So Cinderella cleans and cleans. The vermin realize she’s never gonna get her chores done, so after wasting time singing a song about how mean everyone is to her “Cinderelly, Cinderelly” (oh how I hate that song) they get down to business and together they fix up this old dress for her with cast offs the stepsisters toss down.
Now I hate mice, but if I found some that could sing and sew, I would say “Heck with you stepmom, I’m goin’ on the road.” She could have made a bloomin’ fortune! Oh, well. Cinderella is sooo happy when she gets back and realizes the dress is all ready. She puts it on and rushes to join her stepfamily. They promptly rip her dress to shreds when they realize part of her dress once belonged to them. At this point, you’re beginning to think these guys might not be very nice people.
Heck, even Cinderella has finally figured this out, and breaks down and cries in the garden. But never fear, her fairy godmother appears out of nowhere and gives her a heart attack. She’s there to help the girl go to the ball! So now we’re in an episode of “What not to Wear” combined with “Pimp my Car” and “Say Yes to the Dress.” This is one big freaking reality show.
If I were Cinderella, I might be asking why this lady didn’t show up like ten years ago when all this mess started. But better late than never, I guess. She creates a coach out of a pumpkin, and makes the mice and dog into horses and coachmen (talk about identity crisis) and then makes Cinderella a brand new dress complete with glass slippers. Wow, talk about – freaking uncomfortable. In case you didn’t know, many believe that the glass slippers come from a mistranslation of the original and Cinderella was supposed to be wearing fur slippers. But what woman would wear fur when she could destroy her feet with breakable high heels, huh?
She gets to the ball, with the warning that the magic will end at midnight STAT. The prince sees her, and BAM instant love connection. He’s found his bachelorette. They dance and forget the time and then Cinderella realizes and runs away so he won’t know that she really wears rags and drives a pumpkin. Good choice, there. On the way, she loses a slipper (plot point!). The other slipper stays in her pocket. So she got to keep the most uncomfortable part of the magic. Thanks, FG!
The prince finds the slipper, but no girl. Word gets out that the prince will marry the girl whose foot fits the slipper. So he’s betting on there being only one size 0 in the entire kingdom. What if some other girl wore the same size? Then what? Would they put them in a line up and see if Prince Genius can remember which one he danced with?
Honestly, I’m pretty sure Cinderella’s prince gets the prize for most useless. He’s not even given a name, unless he really is named “Charming” which is the lamest name ever. It’s his father who, unlike the prince, is short and dumpy and freaky looking, who gets all the screen time. He wants grandchildren, so he’s ready to force his son into picking a wife right away. No word from what the son thinks about all this. Eh, who cares. In this story, the prince is not the rescuer but the prize! He’s so pretty, and look at all the ways you can pose him, Cindy!
A lackey is sent around with the enviable task of trying shoes on millions of stinky women’s feet. Joy. The stepmother figures out it is Cinderella the prince is looking for, and locks her up in her room when the shoe guys show up. The stepsisters try on the shoes, but they don’t fit. True fact: In the original fairy tale, the stepsisters are so eager to fit into the shoes, they actually chop their toes off. No lie. I’m guessing the shoe guys noticed all the blood building up in the shoes, because it didn’t work. Later, birds come and peck out the eyes of the sisters. Cinderella’s like “see ya suckers” and takes off with the prince. I like that version, personally.
In the Disney version, we can’t have blood or any of that fun violence, so the mice get the key and free Cinderella. The stepmother destroys the glass slipper, but Cinderella has the other one. That right there pretty much proves who she is, but they try the shoe on anyway, it fits, and Cinderella has won her man. It pays to have size 0 feet, ladies.
So Cinderella marries the prince, and lives happily ever after with trophy man and creepy grandpa who I can only assume sits outside their bedroom until word of an impending grandchild arrives. Oh, and the mice apparently come along and infest the castle, probably infecting the entire populace with the plague, but it was good while it lasted.
Next up, everyone’s favorite narcoleptic, Sleeping Beauty.