Tag Archives: Cocker Spaniel

50 Shades Flunked Lessons 23 and 24

Almost, almost there.  I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina.  Okay, so last time I asked you two questions: Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____. Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.  Some great answers here.  Kirstenhwhyte accidentally got 23 totally right, as you’ll see below.  And there were other answers that would have fit just as well, like buttplug (can be inserted into any sentence.  Inserted.  Snort), brain-dead, murder, gay, bang, pow, crack whores, cool whip, puppy, fart, vengeful wizard, wet dream, dunderhead, punchable, and of course, Robot Jesus.  You guys rock.

Back to the neverfuckingending story.  Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be freaking annoying.  See, she goes in and out of consciousness, so we get little snippets of conversations.  Ana has bruised ribs and a fractured skull (fortunately nothing important was damaged).  Christian is suddenly concerned about the spawn and is informed that it is fine.  Because it’s a freaking demon and nothing can kill it, duh.

David Bowie won't even have to do anything to this baby.  He can take him as is.

David Bowie can take this baby as is – no waiting required.

Christian’s dad says Ana is so brave and Christian says she’s crazy and stupid.  Gonna go with Christian on this one.  The Cocker Spaniel is safe – she was only drugged.  I can’t blame Jack for that – I’d have done it too.  She hears her dad tell Christian “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will.”  I’m not making that up.  Just, yuck, gross, blech, ughhhhhh.  Ana “spirals down into oblivion” – I wish she’d do that permanently.

Ana finally wakes up fully because she needs to pee.  It’s so refreshing to hear about a romantic heroine’s need to eliminate bodily waste.  Again.  The nurse tells Ana she has a catheter, so you know, she could just go, but she thinks ew, gross.  So we get this extended scene where Christian wants to see them take the catheter out but the nurse says no and then Christian insists on carrying Ana to the pot and they argue about whether he can watch and bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk.

Can be substituted for this chapter.

Can be substituted for this chapter.

Christian acts like a total asshole to the medical staff, ignoring their orders not to let Ana have food and I really hope she pukes it up all over him.  As usual, Ana is in the hospital, but it is all about Christipoo who has “died a thousand deaths” again and no you haven’t, you haven’t even died once, damn it.  He says he behaved badly (duh) and yay Ana is alive but he’s pissed at her and my head spins.  Also he tells her she has no regard for her personal safety.  Well, yeah, that’s why she’s with you, asshole.

Christian fills her in on more stupid crap about Hyde, the one who nearly killed her, but she’s most concerned about his ex because she’s Ana and she’s an idiot.  Ana has Twinnings breakfast tea again.  If I ever see that brand of tea, I will start a riot at the grocery store and stomp all of it into the ground.  End chapter.

I would rather have bunny tea than Twinnings.

I would rather have bunny tea than Twinnings.

Chapter 24 begins and we are still in the same place we were last chapter arghhh.  Ana made the papers, cause being the wife of the King of England, people give a damn about what happens to her.  Oh, wait.  The detective comes to talk to her about Hyde, but James skips that cause like, boring.  Ana is told she can leave soon and Christian asks the most important question which is when can she have sex?  Of course.  Her father comes to see her and berates her for being a dumbass.  I love the way the men show they care.

They have to take the back entrance cause of the paparazzi (psst Ana is queen) and they get home and take a shower together but no sex even though Ana is so desperate for it.  Even with a concussion and bruised ribs.  Right.  After he soaps her all up we get to hear how Elizabeth was helping Jack cause he fucked her and kept blackmail tapes of it and . . . who exactly was Jack going to show this to?  It makes as much sense as Jack getting out on bail yet NO ONE on the entire security team knowing this teensy bit of info.  Duh-oh.

I'd rather have this crack team protecting me.  (part of the how many times can I use Batman in posts saga)

I’d rather have this crack team protecting me. (part of the how many times can I use Batman in posts saga)

Christian warns Ana no more recklessness or he will “spank the living shit” out of her cause her Dad totally told him he could.  No words for this.  There’s more Ana begging for sex cause she can’t resist the power of psycho and then we hear how Christian was in the same foster home as Jack Hyde and that’s why Jack wanted to hurt Christian cause their paths were so similar and blah blah shitdoodle.  None of this back story was necessary.  Jack could have hated Christian for any number of reasons.  This is just so lame, even for James.

Mia the spaniel shows up, and it’s a party of Ana you are so brave and Christian you are so special vomitttttt.  And we find out Christian and Jack’s foster mom read him Are you my mother? and now James is ruining children’s literature stop it nowwwww.  Speaking of kid stories, though, Christian decides to get Ana to sleep by telling her a sweet bedtime story about how he started screwing Mrs. Robinson.  End chapter.

"Please say you aren't", Ana's baby pleads.

“Please say you aren’t,” Ana’s baby pleads.

These chapters bit (-500 Batpoints), but the worst is yet to come!  Next up, campers, is THE  END – or IS IT?  For your final Pop Quiz, write an essay about how much these recaps have changed your life.  You are free to state your opinion.  You’ll be graded for it, so you know, keep that in mind too.  Be sure to cite your sources and show your work and all that crap!