Tag Archives: Coke

Epic Quests and crap like that.

So I decided I needed to lose weight.  This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.

I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand.  But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something.  This weight loss business?  Yeah, it sucks.

It sounds like FUN right?

It sounds like FUN right?

I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins).  So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing.  No, really, it does.

I like rewards.  Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages.  This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling.  Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo.  The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”.  I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose.  Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.

The scale said WHAT?

The scale said WHAT?

But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win.  No, I’m not making this up.  Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie.  You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word.  Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water.  I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.

Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys.  But they start out simple.  One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so.  I have that in the bag, man.  I can stand like nobody’s business.  It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!).  But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day.  If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.

And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week!  Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery!  But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap.  I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk.  I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet.  It was like Fate, my friends.  And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste.  So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.

At this point, either of you will do.  SUGAR!

At this point, either of you will do. SUGAR!

So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups.  But it says you do better if you share your quests with others.  And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight.   I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride.  Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction.  Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already.  Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?

I don't.

I don’t.

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?  With all my cynicism, sarcasm, and general nastiness, this song still gets to me.  The combination of the simple melody, the children’s choir, and the basic message of love and peace fit together nicely.  I heard this song on the radio yesterday while feeling sorry for myself (this happens often – the feeling sorry for myself, not the song playing, although my station has evilly decided to play Christmas music, and only Christmas music, from Thanksgiving on through Christmas Day until someone, maybe even Santa himself, goes and shoots up the station.)  But I’m digressing.

Eenie, Meenie, Minie . . .

War is over . . . if you want it.  How simple is that?  Of course it is sung by children, too innocent to realize that war is what grownups do best.  And it isn’t just war with other countries, but war within our own country.  Black vs. white, rich vs. poor, men vs. women, Christians vs. Islamics, Republicans vs. Democrats, SAHMs vs. working moms, politicians vs. normal people, etc.  There has to be a bad guy, someone for us to hate, someone for us to take out all the world’s problems on.  And no, I’m not saying everyone should join hands on a hill and celebrate diversity and tooth decay with a coke.  Obviously we do have differences.  For instance, Democrats and good and Republicans are evil.  That’s a difference.  Haha, I kid the Republicans!  Please put down your weapons!
You have to wonder just what’s
 in that coke they’re drinking
Seriously, we do have more alike than we do different.  We all have hearts, brains (well I’m pretty sure), lungs, livers, and most importantly, pocketbooks.  As Clinton’s genius campaign slogan said, “It’s the economy, stupid.”  It’s not abortion, gay marriage, gun control, prayer in school, global warming, or any of the host of other fringe issues that the politicians often distract us with.  For most Americans, these issues do not affect us, at least not on a day to day basis.  Sure, I do not like weapons (remember that Republicans, I am NOT armed), but I highly doubt that even the NRA will manage to get assault weapons in the hands of every drug dealer and irritated high school student in the next few months (though they might try).  Also, the polar ice caps will not completely melt and drown us all in penguins in the immediate future either.  In the near future I will, however, have to pay my bills, whether they be grocery, medical, electricity, or any of other basic need. 

Maslow’s hierachy applied to the Internet

And that’s the point.  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs says that we must first satisfy our basic needs before worrying about ideals.  You can’t go march for the rights of fetuses if you can’t feed your own fetus, in other words.  Most Americans are not either in the richest 1 percent with no worries, or the poorest percent that actually qualify for the aid programs.  We are somewhere in the middle – too rich for Medicaid and Food Stamps, too poor for actually affording food and medical care otherwise.  Average Americans with jobs can’t afford to both take Jimmy to the doctor and feed him at the same time.  That’s pathetic.  What’s just as bad is that those who can afford to do these things, and I count myself among them, barely, are only one lay-off away from the same situation.  And lay-offs are big now with us trying to balance all our budgets, including the one in Washington.
So then we have something we can agree on.  Economy sucks.  Let’s fix it.  Democrats and Republicans, black and white, Islamic and Christian – we all need money.  There is no magic coke mountain to take away our problems (well, maybe a powdery one, but that only takes it away temporarily).  So here’s a crazy idea.  How about if our people down in Washington quit pointing fingers and saying “I know you are, but what am I?” and started actually trying to – I dunno – compromise?  Don’t we tell our kids to do that?  So why can’t we?  Why can’t we agree that there’s no reason that a country like ours can’t take care of its own people?  And I mean all people – not just the rich, not just the poor, but all of us.  Let’s work on America before we go off on any more crusades in the Middle East.  Let us put the oxygen masks on our own faces first.  That is not selfish, it is sensible.  We can’t help others if we’re brain dead.
And so this is Christmas.  Let’s stop all the fight.  A very merry Christmas and a happy new year.  Let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear.
Notice the Christmas sock tree doesn’t have a single matching pair. 
Damn you, Christms sock tree!