I told my nine-year-old daughter, Thing Two, about Evil Squirrel’s contest. She insisted on submitting her own entry. Here it is unedited. Make of it – what you will.
One day, A Uni-kitty named Possum (in uni-kitty it means Dumb but) Was playing a squirrel on lego Batman 2 on his Wii until he felt something gross on his head for, it was a old dirty possum. This was unussal, Even for a uni-kitty. Possum freaked out and ran across da room until he ran into his Origami Yoda collection.
“WHO DA HECK R U DUDEZ?” Possum questioned. “Boy are you a super dumb but, for I am Gandolf the pink” Said the possum. “ GANDOLFZ WUT A WEIRD NAME!!!!” “ Like dude I am like the magi of
Gotham city yo!” Gandolf stated. Possem stared at the TV like Bella,
he felt pretty dumb. He knew EVERYTHING about Batman ,but he couldn’t say that he has heard of it before. “ Ugh, like I am a wizard so I
can do magic and do that thou shall not pass stuff.” The wizard replied.
“OH YEA MAN DIS IS SO STOOKY YO!” “I LIKE WISH DAT I WASZ BATMANZ!!” So, Possum got his wish.
Note: Pretty sure this still beats dj’s entry.
That’s right. I’m totally Alice. And um, this is like my blog and all of you are followers of ME, yes ME Spar . . . um, Alice!
Anyway, I am super excited about all of you who agreed to become my minions er I mean that entered Alice’s uh my contest to win the Sparkly Poneh of Wonder! But you will get so much more just by entering! You see we will not stop at sparkly ponehs. No, there are more sparkly doo-dads to be found, my friends. You know those blog awards your peeps have but you don’t? Well, they are all, ALL going to be ours – all the riches for us – yes, yes, even all the Freshly Pressed badges will all belong to me my precioussssssssssss! I mean us! How will we do it? By taking over WordPress, of course!
You say it can’t be done? Yes it can! We just have to storm WordPress’s headquarters. Well, you do, I’m going to sit on my lightbulb butt er my fair fanny. I’m thinking we can send that dj guy in first. He’ll distract all the editors with his suck uppiness while the rest of you guys can take over the site! There may be casualties, but it’s for a greater cause. Me.
Okay, once we’ve got the Death Star secure, we just have to work on the rest of the blogosphere. WordPress is totally the leading blog site, so all we have to do is get everyone to come here by informing them that Blogger, Tumblr, Linked-In (does anyone actually use that) and everything else sucks monkey brains. They will appreciate us so much for freeing them from crappy blogging platforms that they will obey our every command!
Then from there it’s easy peasy to take over the entire earth. ALL the Xboxes on the planet will be ours to play with, you guyz. Are you confused? Don’t worry, I have this handy chart here . . . somewhere . . .
That’s not my evil domination chart! That’s a xeroxed copy of Squirrel’s butt! Hey!
That’s it, you little rat, give me back my plans!
What? What??? My secret plans! Are you ready for a fight, Pony?
Oh. Oh, uh, no, don’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Alice your old pal, would you?
Hello, real Alice here now. Wow, that was close. Thank goodness my little furry friends were there for me. It shows they really care.
Close enough. For those of you taken in by Sparky’s plot, as I was, do not feel bad. It happens to all of us. Still, I’d like to congratulate our winner, of the coveted Sparkleponeh and a raccoon sticker from Goldfish’s shop, EvilSquirrel! He was chosen using a complex system created by the Things consisting of checking off Sparky attributes (he had the most, maybe?). He also received bonus points for stealing a picture from my blog to make his own award and for his awesome Bond-ish squirrel drawing. Of course all our contestants did an outstanding job and it was still really hard to choose. Thanks so much for entering, my awesome peeps!
But it seems like there should be something more . . . a second prize, which in keeping with Wonderland tradition will be greater than the first prize. And here it is . . . stickers of my two blog defenders, Sad Pony and Squirrel! These fab pictures of my dynamic duo were created by Goldfish, whose store I will once again promote – she has Halloween stuff there now, guys! Cute freaking ghosties!
The second place winner is djmatticus, narrowly edging out the others based on bonus points for sheer unadulterated enthusiasm. Congrats! If the winners will email me their addresses, I will send out their prizes ASAP! Thanks again all of you for playing along and for being awesome and very unsparkiesh followers.
The Real Alice (accept no substitutes)
Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades
I have decided to switch things around a bit. I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books. At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers. This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever. Here’s how it works. There may be additions / changes as needed.
Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off. Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky.
Plot (hahaha) Points
Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)
Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)
Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)
Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)
AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)
FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)
BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)
WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)
The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter. Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun. For instance:
Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)
Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?
A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.
B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.
C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once. She is awarded a medal of honor.
Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below. The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter!
Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes. Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face. Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face. At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling. Who can resist that? Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!
I thought I would write a post on my reflections of Le Clown’s contest because 1) I want to get more mileage out of this crap and 2) I have a sinus infection and I forget. If you’ve never had a sinus infection, I will describe it for you. This one feels like I’ve got a vice strapped around my head, cotton jammed up in my ears, and what remaining brain cells I have (after this contest and reading the Book That Shall Not Be Named) have started spinning around like a drunken firefly ballet, bashing into the sides of my skull with the greatest of ease. Because of the disturbances in my equilibrium, I find myself both walking and typing like a drunken sailor. Slk jnnke;o inl;da;s kj.
Drunken Firefly Ballet would make a good band name. They could open for Clown Mafia.
Which reminds me of that other thought I had, which was to thank everyone who gave clown nose points to me because I’m not sure how I got ahead in the nose polls. Maybe it was leaving those horse head gifs in the inboxes of my competitors. Or possibly it was the spirit I projected of love and friendship and rainbow ponies. I’m thinking it was the gifs. Anyhoo, the most important thing to remember is that
I WON I WON I WON I WON!
That’s right, I came in fourth place and got a spot on the blogroll. Yay! There were other winners too, and really, all contestants were winners, but you should really remember that
I WON I WON I WON!
Oh, and the contest was also great because I met new bloggy friends and got followers, and found other blogs to follow, and wasted tons of time making snarky comments and posts, and now have some scary clown pics that are giving me nightmares. I had hoped to write a truly moving post about the meaningfulness of this – I’m not sure meaningfulness is a word, but Computer Grammar God didn’t put a scribble line under it while it did put a scribble line under bloggy, which everyone should know is a real word. But this sinus infection makes my thoughts fly around like my brain cells and it’s really hard to catch them and when you do you forget why you wanted to catch them anyway.
Where was I? Oh, right.
I WON I WON I WON.
If you would like better and probably saner reflections on this contest, you should go to Le Clown’s site and get the links yourself, because at this rate, I might link you to almost anything. But I just wanted to say thanks for everything, and I love you all, and people better click on my link on the blogroll now because I still have some of those horse head gifs left, and even worse, pics of evil clowns. So. Many. Clowns.
I thought for my final entry in Le Clown on Fire’s contest (this IS the final entry, right?) that I would review Le Clown through his various incarnations of horror. Rich Full Life (RFL) you gave me the idea for this one with your resurrection of Gymbo, so this is partly all your fault. Here we go.
Le Clown in Medieval Times. I’m not sure if he was Punch or Judy. Let’s go with Le Judy. The great thing about this pic is that I can also use it in my 50 shades of grey recaps. It’s nice to kill two clowns with one stone.
Le Clown haunting my childhood (early ’80s). Anyone else remember Bozo and his GRAND PRIZE GAME? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.
Speaking of Le Bozo, anyone else notice his uncanny resemblance to another Le Clown incarnation?
Coincidence? I think not.
Finally, we have Le Clown haunting the childhood of my children. Just as a reminder, this is all RPL’s fault. That’s right, folks. We’re talking Le Gymbo.
Oh, the horror. Have you no shame, Le Clown? I’m never shopping at Gymboree again.
So there you go, Le Clown through time. There were probably a few other incarnations in there, but I think that’s enough for our psyches for one day. I hope you’re happy, clown.
Hello, Fair Readers!
I have an announcement to make. Le Clown- if you don’t know him, he’s a clown, and French, I guess. Or French Canadian. Or Brazilian. He’s fereign, kay? Anyway, he has a contest about who gets to be on his blogroll and the blogrolls of his other personalities. I think I deserve a shot because I have three personalities so far. So anyway, if I post this, I get bonus points! For a blog roll! Which is almost as good as not being freshly pressed.
As I stated in my original entry in this contest – the contest can be foundhere- I, my inner goddess, and my subconscious all want to be on the blog roll. He’s going to have to choose one of us. I guess he’d need to choose Alice, since the other personalities are sort of parasites. Or something. So my loyal readers, go over there and vote for me and I will interview the fictional 50 Shades character of your choice in a future blog post. How is that for a reward? Oh, also, you can see Le Clown’s blog which is really
Finally, and this should go without saying, but I thought I’d point out that Hugo supports my nomination. He has a lock of my hair at this very moment that he’s doing strange things with in a locked bedroom. If that doesn’t mean love, I don’t know what does, people.
Edited to add: You have to like me on Le Clown’s page under my nomination (the link that says “here”), people, or no countsies, okay? I’m contestant #5. There is scrolling down involved. But also a cookie. Thanks. I’ll try to put a damper on the insanity after I get my likes.