I told you guys earlier about a contest where you could win a book personally touched by Merbear – or possibly licked, I’m not sure. I should check that out cause it totally affects the value. Anyhoo, it’s a Beatles book and you want to win it because WIN.
I will give you guys a chance though you really don’t have one. Not with this incredible entry. Observe and be amazed.
I chose the song “Good Day Sunshine” cause that sounded
easy challenging. Here are the lyrics, and they are awesome, cause Beatles:
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine.
I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I’ve got something I can laugh about,
I feel good, in a special way.
I’m in love and it’s a sunny day.
Okay, so I was thinking, sunshine, good day. What am I gonna do with THAT? I mean, am I a wizard or what? Then I realized – hey I could draw a sun. Like totally. And it mentions LOVE and no one emphasizes LOVE like those jerkwads on Twilight, and also, if there was sun, then Eddie would sparkle,which would be even better. And then I would put the Beatles in the sun because if they can hang out with Lucy in the sky with diamonds, why not inside a blazing sun?
I know, it’s so impressive you can hardly tear your eyes away. Note how I not only added sparkles and a giant flower, but there’s also a tiny yellow submarine. GET IT? I’m a gonna sit back now and bask in the awesomeness. Good day, maybe sunshine, even if my car smelled like wet dog this morning.
The other day I was reading some bad poetry. In other words, like at least 80 percent of the poetry that’s out there right now. See, while there are many people who think they can write prose that can’t; there seem to be even more people who are not poets and do not know it. Prose and poetry aren’t the same. Poetry is much, much harder – if you do it right. I don’t, which I why I only write stupid poems. Thing is, I do it on purpose and other people . . . don’t.
Now there are some awesome poets out there, like Merbear for instance, and several others. Being a good poet does not disqualify you from being in the Society, though. Even good poets can be bad. All a person has to do to join is write the worst poetry they can. Or if you’re like me, just write poetry. For some ideas, I have collected a list of the most obnoxious (in my opinion) poetry faux pas.
1. Seuss-i-fying your poetry
I love Dr. Seuss. But there’s only one Dr. Seuss, and unless you are writing poetry for children, having it rhyme in a sing-song every other line sort of way makes your poetry sound juvenile no matter what your subject. For example:
I have a stalker
He is really strange
He follows me always
And has lots of mange
See? Serious topic = stalking. But I want to take that poem and add goofy drawings to it. Like Marmaduke creepily staring in someone’s window or something.
This is not to say that you can’t rhyme in a poem. One of my favorite poets, Edgar Allen Poe, does rhyme, but he has a flow to his poetry. Real rhyming poetry is every beautiful song you’ve ever heard. It has a melody. Which leads me to example two.
2. Speed-bump poetry
Poetry needs to flow. Even, actually especially, free verse poetry. Since there’s no set line length, or rhyming, it’s up to you to figure out how to make the words flow together. When reading a poem, I don’t like starting and stopping. I call it speed bumps. Each time the word doesn’t flow – there are way too many syllables, or the word somehow doesn’t fit, or the poem loses focus – I feel a bump. I’m shaken out of the reverie. An example:
She’s like the wind
Through a forest of tall tall trees
She rides the night train to Georgia
Next to Runaround Sue
Bump, Bump, BUUUUUMP
3. Emo Poetry
There’s only so much angst over that girl from high school that done did you wrong we can take. Keep it up and you’ll sound like a Taylor Swift song, and no one wants that.
4. Twisty-straw Poetry
It’s still a dumb song even when I make cute connect-the-dots pictures with it.
5. Pick a style, any style poetry
Whatever you choose to do, just stick with it. If you want Seuss, do Seuss. If you want speed-bump, throw out the speed bumps. But please don’t combine a half dozen styles in a single poem.
Dashing through the snow
On a one-horse reindeer whatever
Laughing all the way until we’re shot on sight
By that girl who’s like the wind
In the trees.
I’m sure you can name lots of other problem poetry. Let me know in the comments, or write your own bad poetry post. I’ll link to it and maybe we can make a horrible poetry book. We could call it Twilight Sexy Times Poetry Suck. It would be a bestseller for sure. Or I’ll just do it myself and rake in all the profits.
I’m also thinking of designing a badge. You know for me and my followers, or possibly just for me and all the invisible flying elves. What do you think should be the badge for a Bad Poet’s Society?
Some posts take me a while to write. Well, actually it takes me longer for me to find idiot pictures to stick in the middle of my word walls than it does to write the post, but whatever. And then there are posts I throw up in minutes. These are the posts that get lots of response. Naturally. So when I wrote about boogers, (Link Drop!) it should come as no surprise that people liked it. So I figured – that’s what this blog needs. More boogers.
I also felt that my booger post, being so intellectually stimulating, should be submitted to Freshly Pressed. So I submitted it myself by tweeting it on Twitter.
Someone had to do it. Just like when I was playing Goldfish’s madlibs contest and I voted for myself. But I did like some other entries too so I went to another computer and voted for someone else. As it turns out, voter fraud pays off because I won third place! Woot! Check out my badge.
Anyway, sadly I did not receive a response from Freshly Pressed. This made me sadfaced. Clearly booger posts are underrepresented by Freshly Pressed editors. They need to get on the ball with that. But until they do, I have come up with a solution. Yet another badge of my own. This would have been perfect if I had remembered St. Patrick’s Day was Monday and posted it then, because the badge is all green and lucky. Here it is.
I know, the craftsmanship on this baby is awesome. I would have used one of my personal boogers, but it wouldn’t scan very well, so I just made a drawing of its likeness. Cool, huh? Anyway, I’m storing this baby away with my Creeper and Douchecanoe Awards, just in case I find a thoroughly stupid and repulsive, I mean fascinating and intellectual post to give it to some day. Just wait! It might be you!
How do you get picked? Easy, just pick something to write about that’s fun and bouncy, and just a little bit salty. Don’t be shy, just let it all hang out. Or just write about boogers. Or something else disgusting. And then – woot – you can have this baby bestowed upon you. I know. Who could ask for anything more? Except possibly a Kleenex?
Do you guys have any posts worthy of a Freshly Picked nod? If so, send them to me, Alice, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or just link to it in the comments. Or forget all about it. You’ll be glad you did.
Yo, Homies, Sparkleponies, whazzup in de hood yo fo shizzle? Sparky here. I have no idea what I’m saying, but yo, I am so cool. Alice asked me to write this post here reminding you, AGAIN, that she has that contest in which you, if you dare, get to try to be as awesomesauce as I am. Good luck with that one!
We’re in the home stretch now, down to the wire, end of the line, insert metaphor here. In case you lost your Lol Cats calendar, today is Wednesday, September 25th, and that means you have less than five days (wait, let me count) yeah four days to get your entries in! On Monday, September 30th, Alice will announce the winner, who will receive this incredible sparkly prize – THE SPARKLEPONY!!!
Once more, I will give you our contestants and LINK DROP so you can see their posts. Each of these guys is a real contender and totally deserving of that poneh – but the winner? There can be only ONE, dun dun dunnnnn.
djmatticus (our first brave contestant)
You’re not going to let these guys win it, are you? I mean, Alice even added some raccoon sticker in with the fabulous sparkly amazing pony award. But that’s not all. She’ll even throw in packing paper, you peeps. This is THE contest that can’t be missed, this is the SHIZ!
See you all on Monday, September 30, when we announce the WINNERS of my awesome contest! I have such great plans for you, bwahahahaha, I mean, see you then!
– The Sparkster
Hey, Good News, Sparkleponies! I have decided to extend the deadline of the Sparklepony contest for a few reasons. 1) Peeps be busy. 2) I want to give everybody a chance. 3) I’ve only gotten in one entry so far. 4) Some of you have no idea wtf I am talking about but now you DO! It’s about this, folks.
You know you wants it. It is your preciousssssss. All you have to do, if you’ll remember, is write an obnoxious post acting like you are Sparky the won-der blog-ger! If you need ideas, just watch me. I’m obnoxious quite a lot. You knew that? Shut up.
Anyhoo, for all you speshul peeps out there, I am extending the deadline for the contest till September 30th. That’s right, more time to procrastinate – I mean, to get to work! You cannot let that jester djmatticus win so easily! Not when a poneh is on the line!
(this message brought to you by Alice, who might have snorted too much glue whilst glittering this plastic pony. Please humor her.)
So we’ve made it to chapter twelve. I knew we could do it. Don’t look ahead on the syllabus, you’ll only – you did, didn’t you? Well, it’s your fault that you just realized there are eleventy billion more chapters because E.L. continues to add them in our sleep.
So last time I asked you to fill in the blank of this question “Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.” I got some creative responses on this one. And by creative I mean slightly disturbing, as usual. I’m so proud of my students! I couldn’t choose a favorite, so here they are.
Lesbiannextdoor: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!
Speaker 7: The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.
TAE: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!
Womansmdguide: I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!
Miss Four Eyes: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.
Storkhunter: Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.
GiggsMcGillJill: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….
Faithhopechocolate: I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?
Of course all of you got it wrong. Good job! The correct answer is – well, let’s just get to it and you’ll see that Christian was, like, totally justified in playing sad piano. And so are we, because we are reading this shit. Let’s get to it.
We start off exactly where we left off last time, with Ana cuddling with her Christipoo after he tortured her with sexytimes until she used the safe word to make him stop. Awww. We’d just learned the incredibly important plot point that Christian and Jack Hyde were born in the same town. That answers so much. By which I mean nothing.
Ana thinks of Christipoo as a sad little abused Oliver Twist (AliceScreams) again and tells Christian and even he is annoyed by this. She says she knows he just wants to control her every breath because he wants to protect her (RedFlag, AnaFail), and he says “Yet you still choose to defy me” (RedFlag) Ana ponders this in her tiny, tiny brain and thinks “Holy Cow (AliceScreams), do I do that deliberately?” Yes, Ana, you do, so it’s all your fault that he’s a psycho who will probably kill you. Of course. (AnaFail, AliceRage)
Ana tells him she safeworded him because she was afraid he wouldn’t stop and Christian says he got “lost in the moment” which is the usual defense for ax murderers, and Ana says “for some bizarre reason the thought pleases me.” (AnaFail) Crap, Ana, you make it pretty much impossible to feel sorry for you. Only this book could make me wish for a fictional murder / suicide.
Ana tells him she’ll “try to be more considerate”. (AnaFail) And Christian says he’s sorry he acted like an asshole. Haha, just kidding! No he doesn’t. He falls asleep and has another nightmare about crackmommy or something stupid (AliceScreams). Ana wakes him up and he mauls her, because nothing heals Christian faster than Anavagina. (FacePalm) He commands her to orgasm, which she does (AliceScreams) AGAIN. She’s like one of those blow up dolls, only programmable to explode on cue.
They go to sleep again, and Ana wakes up to hear, dun dun dun, Sad Piano! (AliceScreams) Ana asks what’s wrong with the poor Christipoo puppy? And he says, “A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She safewords on me.” (WTF, RedFlag) Talk about problems, man. I mean, nevermind that you’ve got some guy trying to kill your wife, she won’t sit and stay and sometimes whimpers when you smack her around too much! (AliceRage) Jeez!
So naturally Ana says “You asshat, you’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops! And stop playing that goddamn piano before I shove those keys up your fucking nose until they pierce your brain!” Haha, just kidding. No, Ana says “I’m sorry.” (AnaFail, Facepalm) She asks what his bad dream was about and he tells her she was cold and dead. A dream or a future forecast? Who knows? Gosh, this is fun.
The next morning Ana is all philosophizing about how tortured Christian was and how he tortured her (no seriously, she thinks this) and how she needs to “chart a course” for their love and still keep her “integrity and independence” and I just spat my drink all over the keyboard. (FacePalm) She’s cute when she’s stupid.
Christian informs her she has a surprise! He’s gonna kill her! Just kidding. He takes her to his jet (he has a jet cause he is super rich and hott you guyz, omg). And on the jet is the rest of the Moron Brigade – his stupid brother and sister, and her pal Kate and her brother. They are flying to Aspen all together! Whee. (BoredNow) Ana is so excited she pees on the floor.
Christian decides to have a word with Ana in private on the jet (Now he’s gonna kill her) and throws her over his shoulder and carries her off. (FacePalm) Omg, that is so cute I could puke. They blah blah about something, and Ana sees the stewardess is hot and brunette and oh nooos! (FacePalm) Then Ana blah blahs with Kate about the whole nearly getting dead from Hyde business (BoredNow) and then they tell more about Hyde like that his parents were drunks and he went to Princeton and blah blah I don’t give a crap. (BoredNow) And Christian’s brother makes fun of him (go Elliot) and then we end the chapter on this daring cliffhanger. Natalia, hot brunette stewardess asks . . . “May I offer anyone coffee?” Dun dun dunnnn.
Final Score: (calculated by red deductions (-2) and purple AliceScreams deductions (-20)) 100-38 – 100 = -38
Next time on The Vaginal Balls of Wrath . . .
A: Slutty Realtor shows up and sluts up the place.
B. Kate is sadfaced cause Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana.
C. Nothing happens.
D. All of the above
*statue of Linus and Lucy is in downtown Paul, MN. Cool, huh?
For Update 2 I announced that extra points could be awarded for interesting posts. I got some. Also, to be fair, I went back and found my favorite comments from past posts. They ranged in content from kissing up to me to flirting with depressed ponies to sex with hamsters and Crisco. Talk about a fun bag of flaming vaginal balls. Check it out.
Contest Update 2
Miss Four Eyes –
“I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?”
Sad Pony and Squirrel say two thumbs up – 2 extra points
Love and Lunchmeat –
Dear Mrs. Alice,
Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.
With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
L & L
Flattery will get you everywhere. Plus 1 point!
“Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?”
Excellent suggestions for possible diplomas. Plus 1 point!
Jen and Tonic –
“If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?”
Alice is still waitin’ on that money. Plus one point.
We got some awesome fill-in-the-blank comments on this one. They made my “down there” so happy. The questions were:
5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.
5B: Christian gives Ana a present. It is a ________.
5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.
Speaker 7 –
5A: vat of crisco
5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls
5B: golden vaginal ball
5C: million dildos
5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.
Only answered one, so I guess it goes for all three. “Chipmunk”
Miss Four Eyes
5A. A rattlesnake
5B. Slave girl uniform
5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot
The Bumble Files
5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool
C. Kitty litter.
5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
5B: a brain
5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)
A: security guard
B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…
They were all so good, I couldn’t choose one. Plus 3 points for everyone.
This time the question was True or False!
Question 5A: Ana is the worst character in the history of ever. True/False
Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage. True / False
Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next. True / False
“Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.
True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!”
Brain cell suicide description is so lyrical! Plus 1 point!
Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?
(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango! She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames. Ka-boooooom!
(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.
(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.
“Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.”
Speaker has such a way with words. Plus one point for flaming vaginal balls!
“You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.”
I appreciate the concern but is to fine me. Plus point one!
Question Two: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?
A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.
B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.
C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard. Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.
“And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!
Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!”
You’re welcome. Plus one point.
Love and Lunchmeat
“P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.”
Yes, it does. Plus one point
Contest Update 1
“I gather from your post that I have read these books. Is that true? I don’t think I have. I have a distant memories of disintegrating panties and jet skis, but I’ve been drinking a lot of Robitussin so I’m blaming them on that.”
I’d rather drink cough syrup than think about disintegrating panties. Plus one point. Off to find the NyQuil.
Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?
- Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams. Romance!
- The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
- Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.
“I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.””
Done and Done
Intro Post: Back to School
“I’m going with B.
Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.
You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!”
True. I was weird even then. True /false idea was awesome. Plus one point.
New class rankings as of Update 2 (not including Lesson Six) w/ bonus points. WTF is Alice doing? What are all these numbers? Enjoy!
Storkhunter 14 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 3 + 3 + =24
faithhopechocolate 13 + 1 +1 +1 +1 + 3 = 20
Ravinj 7 + 1 + 4 + 3 +1 = 16
Carrie Rubin 9 + 2 + 1 + 3 = 15
Speaker7 6 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 1 +1 = 15
MissFourEyes 6 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 = 14
Lesbiannextdoor 5 + 1 + 3 +1 = 10
Giggles McGill Jill 2 + 1 + 3 = 6
Angel Fractured 5
Love and Lunchmeat 3 +1+1 = 5
Jemmy 1 + 1 + 3 = 5
StetotheJ 1 + 3 = 4
Ruby Tuesday 4
The Bumble Files 1 + 3 = 4
Jen and Tonic 1 + 1 +1 = 3
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Doggy’s Style 1
As you can see, Storkhunter has maintained her lead, and for a while it looked like faithhopechocolate was going to lose her rank to Ravin, but at the last minute, boom, she’s back in second. The excitement makes me wanna pee – except I was told not to – wait, I’m not Ana Steele. Keep it up, kiddos! See you in class next week! There is nothing wrong with my mental state!
It’s time for report cards, kiddies! Nooooo hiding them from your parents!
Fortunately for you, Alice is lazy and doesn’t care about grading – basically like your average college professor. My grad assistant Sad Pony threatened horse-i-cide again if I made him even think about 50 Shades, which is such a pain. I tried to get Squirrel to take his place but he’s not very reliable, always playing with his nuts.*
*True Story: I had a teacher in 5th grade who had a squirrel pic on the wall and a phone connected to nothing. If someone acted up, she would “call” the “squirrel” and say “Southwestern Squirrel, trouble on table 5.” Even at 10, we thought she was insane. Don’t let your babies grow up to be teachers. It’s too dangerous.
Okay, PSA done. Since Alice is lazy and has unreliable grad students, she consents to being bribed for good grades. With comments on her blog – get your head out of the gutter (unless you’re hot, then call me, maybe?). She doesn’t really care if you get the answers right or not, it’s ye old participation that counts!
You might notice that we have some new students that joined our class since the last update! I’d force these students to stand up and everyone else to say “Hi, so and so” just like they do in real classrooms and AA meetings, but I’m tired.
So without further ado, here is our class roll, ranked by number of comments on each post (there are six posts so far including the first update and our introduction to the contest – I have not yet added in yesterday’s comments) – which I counted all by myself. So probably you guys might want to recount.
If I didn’t give you enough, tell me. If I gave you too much, shut up. Did you learn nothing from high school?
Storkhunter 4 + 1 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 1 = 14
faithhopechocolate 4 + 2 + 7 = 13
Carrie Rubin 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 +2 +2 = 9
Ravinj 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 7
Speaker7 1+1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 6
MissFourEyes 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 =6
Lesbiannextdoor 1+ 1 + 2 +1 = 5
Angel Fractured 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 5
Ruby Tuesday 1 + 2 + 1 = 4
Love and Lunchmeat 2 + 1 = 3
Womanmdsguide 1 + 1 = 2
Giggles McGill Jill 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Jen and Tonic 1
Okay, as you can clearly see, Stork Hunter is our current valedictorian, and faithhopechocolate our salutatorian. Now THAT is something you want on a transcript. Some of you people have been skipping class a lot. Tsk tsk. But it’s not too late to bring your grade up! From now on Alice is adding points with each post instead of doing several at once because her math skills . . .
Anyhoo, so that’s our class rank for now. Remember it’s also quality that counts! Sure you could just write “comment” on a post, and that would be pretty funny actually but wait . . . no, a creative comment that makes me laugh or puke or has some sort of effect on me could add on to your final score. And I’ll probably have a blog post featuring my favorite comments, cause I have to come up with a post for every day this month. So keep them coming!
New students are welcome to join my mythical class at any time, and there is plenty of time for everyone to achieve high scores because there are a lot of chapters left . . . holy shit I’m in trouble.
Till next time, this is Professor Alice signing off.
*Note: Luigi will be playing the role of Christian this time in honor of Movember. And also because he has a creepy ass stare.
Okay, so first the answer to our True / False questions. 5A: Mostly True – she’s tied with Christian for worst character ever. 5B: True – this book has definitely caused brain damage. 5C: False – No, James isn’t planning to write a youth novel (as far as I know). But she might put out a fourth book! And there’s already a 50 Shades classical soundtrack out – available on Amazon! Because I know when I hear Canon in D, I always think about kinky sex play. Anyway, fans are clamoring for it! Why? Whyyyyy???. Expect a rain of frogs soon. Frowny faces all around.
As chapter, fuck, chapter five opens, Ana has a freak out because Christian’s not in bed (AnaFail). Nope he’s just sitting in a chair staring at her while she talks in her sleep about absolutely nothing, just like she does when she’s awake. This is not weird at all. I often watch my husband sleep, snoring away all romantically. And it’s certainly not weird for Christian, since he’s a vampire, um, psycho businessman (RedFlag)
Ana recalls how devastated and empty and hollow and in PAIN she was, because for about five minutes, she thought Christian was killed in Charlie Tango, his stupidly named helicopter. (AnaFail) Those were the best five minutes of that book for me. Christian tells Ana not to worry, he’s handling it. Wow, I’d feel secure. I mean, he totally handled that Leila thing – wait, Leila almost blew Ana’s brains out (darn the luck, almost).(RedFlag). But hey, there was the Jack rapist bit – wait, he just called a cab instead of arresting the creep and then yelled at Ana for letting herself nearly get raped. (RedFlag). So, yeah, great record so far(FacePalm).
Ana reflects that she’s had a blissful honeymoon (AnaFail, WTF) with just a few ups and downs, but that’s normal for newlyweds, right? (FacePalm) No. No, moron, it’s not normal for your new husband to chain you up and leave bruises on you.(RedFlag) You. Moron. Shut up. Please. Just. Shut. Up. (AnaFail)
Mr. and Mrs. Psycho go for a ride on the Jet Ski and Ana says “Fair point, well made, Mr. Grey” and I’ve come up with a new deduction for the stupid, repeated phrases. The (AliceScreams) deduction. Ten points off for these. I. hate. them. so. much. Shockingly, Ana mistakes the throttle for the break and flies off into the ocean (AnaFail). It turns out badly. She lives.
They ride home on the plane, first class, which is still soooo tiring for Ana (AnaFail). Christian talks about having a security aid’s balls on a platter. He’s said this before. I think he’s a wee bit too focused on balls, but maybe that’s just me. Christian has to carry Ana across the threshold so he has the brilliant idea to carry her all the way to the 40th floor. Look, idiot, “across the threshold” means carrying her through the door. That’s it. Idiot. (FacePalm) Anyway, to add to the idiocy, Christian comments that Ana has gained weight, which is a brilliant thing to say to an anorexic, especially when you’re so obsessed with her clearing her plate.(RedFlag, FacePalm)
Ana is miffed about this, but then Christian says she gained back the weight since she left him, and a tear falls from my eye, wait that’s snot from my nose, whatevs, and Ana is distracted by his fake anguish. (RedFlag) But you know that’s not going to last. We’re going to hear about this shit for a while, I can almost promise you.(AnaFail)
They have sex (Sexy Times) but fortunately we aren’t shown the entire scene. Ana says she can’t sleep, but Christian has the cure, and we all know what that is (SexyTimes) but once again, we’re spared. I can’t believe my luck. She asks if she can drive his car and he says sure as long as she doesn’t dent it because then he’ll torture her in the Red Room o’ Pain so in other words, don’t fucking drive his car, Ana. (RedFlag) They get to his stupid parent’s house, and there’s a cook-out, and Ana, surprise, gets jealous over the realtor because she’s pretty (AnaFail) and wonders why Christian didn’t consult her on plans (AnaFail). Gee, I don’t know, Ana. Maybe cause he owns you, and you don’t ask your table for advice?
They eat, well, except Ana, who, shock, is still concerned about the “fat” comment. (AnaFail) Christian threatens to spank her if she doesn’t get happy, and wow, threats of getting beaten certainly cheer me up! Good plan there. (RedFlag) Christian plays the piano and sings, and everyone is all moved and shit cause he hasn’t sung before, and all I can picture is that Peanuts kid on his toy piano. Who fucking cares? (BoredNow)
Christian gives Ana the keys to his car, but warns her not to bend it (the car? the keys?) or he will be “fucking pissed”. (RedFlag) Oh, those romantic threats. She starts speeding and Christian threatens punishment again and I’m too tired to redflag him at this point. Another call on the Elmo phone and ‘eh, oh’, they are being followed! I’m so worried. (BoredNow) Ana worries this person might be after Christipoo! (AnaFail) We can only hope! Ana freaks and asks how they know they’re being followed and guess why can you guess? It’s because the Dodge, yup it’s a Dodge following them, has false license plates. Just . . . what? (WTF)
So Ana speeds along, and the Dodge follows, and the security team follows the Dodge, or something, I forget because this makes no fucking sense (BoredNow, WTF) and during this high speed chase Ana reflects on stuff like Sawyer’s first name (who cares?) and whether she’ll get a speeding ticket and whether she’ll look like an asshole (always) and they keep fucking chattering and why won’t they shut up it’s a car chase and finally they turn into a parking garage which totally fools the Dodge which keeps going, proving that life really does work just like in cartoons (WTF).
Christian gives Ana a smiley sticker for her driving and it’s her “undoing” (AliceScreams) and she sobs and they still aren’t really safe cause the security team is still doing their freaking job, but hey Ana wants to do it in the car. (WTF, AnaFail, Sexy Times). And Ana thinks “this is so hot!” and Alice thinks “this is so stupid!” and they finally get back on the road and they find out the subject is female, whoop-te-do, and they finally get home but oh no there’s another guy there who dares to glance at Ana and Christipoo is pissed cause how dare someone make conversation and they get to their room and Ana says that after the car chase and the car sex she really wants rough sex (WTF) and Christian agrees. End chapter!
Final Score: 100 – (37 * 2) = 26 – (2 * 10) = 6
Question Five (Fill in the Blank!)
5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.
5B: Christian gives Ana a present. It is a ________.
5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.
Good luck! Remember, if you fail, you might be held back and have to read 50 Shades of Crap and write a book report. You really don’t want that. No pressure.