Tag Archives: Cookie Monster

Sesame Street High

Some friends and I (I will protect their guilt by using their initials T.D. and Merbear.) were discussing Sesame Street the other day.  There is much you may not know about this place (people still can’t figure out how to get there, for instance.)  Then we discovered this breaking report from Fox News that revealed all.  We will pass on our fair and off balance summary to you.

What did the Fox say?  Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

What did the Fox say? Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

If you donate to PBS, Big Bird will hook you up with some good drugs.

Big Bird’s nest is an EPA danger zone.

Rumor has it Grover gave the beat down to Elmo.  Finally.

Elmo is not so fly as he may appear.

Elmo is not so fly as he may appear.

Prairie Dawn only acts like she has a stick up her butt (which she does but, nevermind).  In reality, she’s a skank.

Telly Monster is no longer addicted to television.  Now he does strange things with triangles.  Oscar could give you more details.

Ernie was awfully fond of Rubber Duckeh.  He did make bath time lots of fun.  Ducketh was ready to sue before Ernie’s untimely, uh, disappearance. Boop boop e doo.

Ernie, I wouldn't push my luck if I were you . . .

Ernie, I wouldn’t push my luck if I were you . . .

Ernie stole Bert’s nose for the final time.  Bert is now a serial killer.  Word is that Ernie can now be found in pieces in Bert’s dresser drawer.

Kermit has questionable motives.

People tried to give Cookie Monster veggies, but he said heck with that and barfed on them.  Observe.

If you think about it, the Count is kind of attractive in a non-sparkly kind of way.  He got a job at a government agency.  One, two billions of dollars in debt!

This post brought to you by the number 666 and the letter eh.

We are all going to Hell.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Franco

I have to say I was sad to see Leila go.  She is my favorite character so far.  Actually she is the only character I’ve liked so far, so I suppose she’s still the favorite.  I tried to track down Christian’s shrink for this interview, but he was busy getting ready to go to some ball with Christian, which seems a little odd, but whatevs.  Instead I found Franco, his personal hairstylist, because let’s face it, we tell at least as much to our hairstylists as we do to our shrinks, right?  Saying you have a shrink.  If you’re reading this book, you should really consider it.  Anyway, here we go.

This is how James sees gay people


Alice: Hi, Franco.  Nice to meet you.  Also, thanks for cutting my hair during this interview.  My hair is a bit of a mess.

Franco: Your hair looks like Cookie Monster after a bad trip.  I guess you want to know about Christian?

Alice: I want to know more about you too.  For one thing, you don’t sound like a European gay caricature. 

Franco: No one does.  But Christian likes to keep up the appearance of being multicultural around here, so he hired me.  That way he could fill the quota of gay and foreign at the same time.  There is also one black employee.  They play golf.  Well, actually, he lets the employee carry his clubs and bring him water.  But they do go to the golf course together.

Alice: Yeah.  So do you think Christian is as big a dickweed as we do?

Franco: Oh, definitely.  That’s why I always leave his hair like that.  He thinks it is the new tousled look, when really it’s just me chopping random bits here and there and making it stick out so he looks like a tool.

Alice: Nice.  I hear you also got to cut Ana’s hair.  What do you think of her?

Franco: I believe the American phrase is “crazy skank ho”, right?

Alice: That works.  So what’s the latest scoop on their story?

Franco: Well, see, there is this ex sub of his who has been stalking them both.

Alice: I know.  I interviewed her.

Franco: Isn’t she a doll?  I LOVE her.

Alice: Me too!  So what is Leila up to these days?

Go, Leila, Go!

Franco: According to Christian, she is still tracking them.  He is always talking on his phone to his security people.  Leila has had at least twenty chances to shoot them down by now while he just stood out in the open.  I have got to have a talk with that girl.

Alice: No kidding.  So what else?

Franco: Well, he picked Ana up and threw her over his shoulder . . .

Alice: Out in public?

Franco: Yes.

Alice: And no one noticed this?

Franco.  He also spanked her. Anyway, he was really upset because now Leila has a concealed weapons permit.

Alice: That’s great.  Way to go, Leila.

Franco: Ana realized that she could buy a gun then.

Alice: She is a real woman of genius.

Franco: He ordered me to come to his place and cut Ana’s hair, because Ana didn’t want her hair cut by Mrs. Robinson the child rapist.  Also, he wants to protect her, so he forced her to come to his place against her will.  Ana is very upset about this Mrs. Robinson and her relationship with Christian.

Alice: There is a crazy ex sub that’s armed and stalking her and her boyfriend.  And she’s concerned about Mrs. Robinson.

Franco: Well, one of her voices might have thought of Leila.  Anyway, I cut her hair while she went on and on about how thin she was and how this was a problem to be white and pretty and thin and I thought hey, I have these sharp scissors here, but then I decided that she wasn’t worth prison and turned her over to Christian who will probably kill her for me.

Alice: Damn.  So then what?

Franco: She says I said “Bellissima, Ana” and kissed her on both cheeks, but I did not.  The girl is crazy.  Later he told me that she got upset about the files he keeps on all his ex subs, including her.  He has access to their bank accounts, social security numbers, blood types, etc.

Alice: So the typical normal boyfriend stuff.

Franco: She cooked for him.  And got very excited that he had peas.  Who gets excited to find peas in the freezer?

Alice: I really don’t know.

actual quote, guyz

Franco: Oh, and Ana looked up Multiple Personality Disorder, because she thinks that is Christian’s problem.

Alice: That’s pretty funny, since she’s the one with the multiple personalities, all of which are boring and stupid; and he’s just a run-of-the-mill psychopath.

Franco: Tell me about it!  I have to bite my lip all the time, but at least he doesn’t think it is sexy on me.  So then he had her draw on him with Taylor’s lipstick.

Alice: Taylor has lipstick?  And she drew on him with it?

Franco: She used it to draw a map to tell where he could be touched. 

Alice: I would have covered myself in the lipstick, in that case.

Franco: And then they started having sex.  Again.

Alice: Talk about a cliffhanger.  Hey, my hair looks really nice.  Thanks.

Franco: I did what I could.  Maybe you should invest in wigs.  I have to get ready for my next client.  Time to “fix” Christian’s hair again.

Alice: Good luck with that.  Be sure and nick his ear for the rest of us.


Can you think of any children’s show you actually like?  Well, I could try.  How about . . .
Before anyone gets up-in-arms, I will say that I am not going to trash Sesame Street.  I just couldn’t.  It’s an awesome little show.  Almost everyone forty and under grew up with this show.  The fact that it is still on the air after over thirty years, with many of the same actors, is testament to the quality.  But I wish to review it anyway, because the shows I snark on could stand to learn a lot from their example.
Bite. Me.
Are there sunny characters that make you want to puke?  Oh, sure.  But for every Elmo (more on him later) there is an Oscar.  Oscar the Grouch is a hairy green puppet that lives in a trash can.  And he LIKES it there, thank you.  In response to his relentlessly cheerful neighbors, Oscar says, essentially “Bite me.”  I admire that in a puppet.  There is also Bert, who contrasts Ernie in an odd couple sort of way (there has been endless speculation from people with too much time on their hands – like me – who wonder what their relationship is exactly.  I say they’re brothers, since they live in the same house.  And I’m sticking to that.)  Ernie is chipper and bouncy and loves stuff like lollipops.  Bert, on the other hand, likes to sit quietly and read (while Ernie tortures him with joy and gladness).  He prefers linoleum to lollipops.  I like Bert.  My husband has said that when Bert finally snaps, he’s sure to take out Ernie first.  But he hopes Elmo is next.
“H” is not for Homey, Elmo.
Elmo is a special case.  Elmo came after a lot of the first generation of Sesame Street viewers grew up.  He is an INVADER.  And not only that, he has his own little spot on the show, called “Elmo’s World”.  Elmo is another scarily cheerful puppet with a high-pitched voice who speaks in third person.  Elmo wants this, and Elmo wants that, etc.  You know a show has a loyal following when adults get violently angry about a new puppet usurping authority.  “We had Grover, darn it, and we were HAPPY.”   But little toddlers love Elmo.  Which means their parents, people of my generation, had to watch him.  And buy the toys.  One of them, “Tickle Me, Elmo” (less said about this the better) was one of those hard-to-find toys one Christmas.  Which meant parents were tackling each other to get a toy of a character they felt had ruined a part of their childhood.  Ironic, that.
WTF?  Where me freakin’ cookies???
But Elmo is still only one character.  Most of the characters are multi-faceted.  They aren’t just nice or mean or happy or sad.  They have personalities.  Grover is sweet and lovable (and also speaks in third person) but has a definite mean streak, like when he’s acting as an incompetent waiter.   And Big Bird has such vivid delusions they actually come to life.  Anyone else remember when Snuffleupagus was his imaginary giant friend?  Now everybody sees him.  I guess they figured if they were friends with a six-foot tall bird, an enormous  whatever-he-is wasn’t such a big leap.  Cookie Monster will always be one of my favorites because of his total lack of self-control.  Don’t listen to those guys trying to make you eat healthy, Cookie Monster!  “C is for Cookie” is good enough for me, too.  He has been paired with polar opposite Prairie Dawn, who is one of the few puppets that you can actively imagine has a stick up her behind. 
And that’s what makes this show so good.  You forget these things are puppets.   People develop genuine love for these characters.  They are purple, and blue, and green, and no one is better than the other (not even Elmo).  Without resulting to syrupy didacticism, this show does present good values to kids, partly because it all just comes naturally.  Seeing such different looking creatures – and their non-caricatured adult human friends – interact promotes diversity.  You don’t have to spell it all out, as in – “Look, here is Cookie Monster, an obsessive-compulsive blue puppet who is hanging out with a hairy, green, homeless hoarder named Oscar!”  Kids can see that for themselves.
The 70’s were a long, long,
 LONG time ago
Sesame Street also has something to offer adults.  There are parodies of everything from “Saturday Night Fever” to the more recent “Law and Order”.  Even Dr. Phil has been puppetized, to hilarious effect.  Also, there are the guest puppets like the “Yip-Yip” aliens.  These wacky looking characters beam down with their giant mouths yipping as they try to understand human culture, usually mistaking clocks and phones for humans and cows.  I can still watch clips of this show and laugh out loud.
Sesame Street is located on a city street, not a sanitized suburb.  This is not a gated community like so many children’s shows.  This is real life – only with puppets.  It’s true that too many of these inner-city neighborhoods are violent, and unsafe, but not all.  Some of them do have neighbors that will work together and form a community.  And even if they don’t, Sesame Street is something to aspire to – it is hope.  The songs, which also stick in your head, are actually meaningful.  It isn’t easy being green, but there are good things that come with the color, along with the bad.  You can come and play here, everything’s A-okay.  Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
But my favorite message of all comes from crazy old Cookie Monster.  “What is friend?  Friend is somebody you give up last cookie for.”  If Cookie Monster can give up a cookie, maybe there is hope for the rest of the world as well.
Final Analysis
Hairy, red usurper – YES
Multiple Personalities and Disorders Presented – YES
Diversity Promoted Without Nausea – Yes
Is C for Cookie? – YES