Actual headlines at Cosmopolitan.com today *:

Is the Sex Diet Legit?

It’s Coming: Obama Erotica

Hoo-ha smells that aren’t okay

Hard hitting journalism, folks

Let no one say Cosmo does not have their hands on the . . . the throbbing pulse of America!  This is um, hard news here, people.  Since I am trying to lose weight, I figured I’d better check out that Sex Diet first.  I think I could handle that.

And OMG, it is so totally legit because Dr. Oz (he’s a real doctor, supposedly, who used to be on Oprah’s show, not the actual land of Oz, although I did hear he successfully treated members of the Lollipop Guild) said so!  See, evil carbs cause you to gain weight (cinnamon rollsssss) because they release feel good chemicals and you want more.  Sex releases feel good chemicals too!  Do you see the connection?  I know, it’s like right there!

Dorothy thinks Dr. Oz sucks.

So our Cosmo reporter decided to bravely test this diet out (for science!) and reach for a condom instead of cheesecake.  I do hope she doesn’t eat the condom.  Anyhoo, she decides to do this for five days.  On day one, she goes to work and watches a clip of True Blood and is so, um, satisfied, by the hot vampire that she no longer wants a donut!  And I’m thinking, I want her job.  And the donut.

Day Two she watches more TV, this time some show all about diners (sounds fascinating) and gets a craving for carbs and jumps hubby.  Hubby must not be as good as the vampire, because she still goes out and gets chips later.  Hmm.

Chips or husband, chips or husband. Decisions, decisions

Day Three she hears about cupcakes in the work breakroom and sexts her husband to keep her mind off of the cupcakes.  Good plan.  My husband would probably be like “wtf I’m trying to work” but hers begrudgingly gives her a little something and the craving is gone.  Gone!

Day Four the deli brings her toast with her eggs.  Oh, nooos!  She jumps her hubby, though, and she forgets about food.  I’m starting to think Ana Steele wrote this article.

The last day, she gets such bad cravings they have to use porn to stop them!  I bet her husband at least likes the diet.  Alas, it doesn’t work.  So it seems the sex diet is off.  Damn.

Cookie Monster favors carbs.

I guess she should have checked out some “Obama Erotica” instead.  Now I like Obama, but I had never really thought of him quite that way before.  Sure, I had that dream about him being my prom date (seriously) but that’s it.  Well, guess what book pops to this reporter’s mind you will never guess!  50 Shades!  Yes, because apparently this is another fan fiction (about the President?) getting all hot with Michelle in Hawaii.   I think this person missed the boat.  Clearly Clinton porn would have been more interesting, especially with all the multiple characters and whatnot.

Speaking of porn, I wondered if maybe my hoo-ha was alright, you know, smell wise.  According to Cosmo, your hoo-ha (what do they call penises?  I have to know.) has all sorts of smells.  I’m intrigued.  It can smell strong and musky (if you’ve just been to the gym or had sex with Squirrel), or fishy (if you’ve just had sex with ice cream.)  Cosmo provides a helpful picture of cooked fish beside this part, so that you will never want to eat it again.

This is the actual image beside the article. Mmmm.

Odor number 3 is “chlorine-like or bleachy” and typically comes from gettin’ a little too personal with your laundry detergent.  Or from a man using a condom.  Odor four describes yeast infections as smelling like bread and the discharge looking like cottage cheese.  Anyone up for some fish with a side of cottage cheese?  Odor number five is “tinny” and happens when you stick canned foods in your nether regions.  Or when you’re on your period.

And finally, odor number six is “sweet”.  Apparently you do what you eat, cause different foods cause different hoo-ha smells (and tastes!)  I’ve always wanted my hoo-ha to have a citrus smell, like my kitchen cleaner.  So I’ll eat oranges and avoid the asparagus which apparently can give your hoo-ha an unpleasant aroma.  If only Ana from 50 Shades would eat some asparagus then have Christian come sniff her hoo-ha.  That would be great.

So you see, you can learn so much from Cosmo.  Now I’m off to go curb my carb addiction with hubby just as soon as I freshen up my hoo-ha and watch Obama’s hot and heavy State of the Union address.

*You cannot make this shit up.