Tag Archives: crack whore mommy

50 Shades Dumber Interviews the New and Even Worse Ana

I just finished chapter 14 of Anabobimbo Steele’s memoirs and I have to report something I didn’t think possible.  Christian is acting at least partially like a human, but  James can’t have two almost human people in a relationship.  This means Ana has to become an even bigger bitchy idiot.  I mean, what a time to decide you don’t want to slap her around anymore, Christian!

The hospital was nice, and I liked the Jello.  But I guess it’s time to go out that revolving door and face the music.  Oh, look, here it is. 

Ana
Now with more bitchiness!

Ana: Alice!  You’re back! 

Alice: Yeah, I’m gonna check myself back in.

Ana: Don’t you want to know what happened with Christian and me?

Alice: No.

Ana: But Alice, what about your readerrrrrs?

Alice: They hate you too.  That’s why they read.  But fine, what happened?

Ana: Oh, there was just so much fuckedupness!  I am exhausted.

Alice: I guess being held at gunpoint might do that to you.

Ana: Oh, posh, not that.  Christian and I had this deep talk. It was DEEP.

Alice: I bet.

Ana: I told him that without him I will be in a world without light.  I’ll be in darkness.

Alice: Lack of light tends to do that.

Ana: And I said I couldn’t figure out why he found ME, who every man in the universe is sexually attracted to, beautiful.  Especially since he is the most beautifulest wonderful sexy amazing man with pants that hang on his hips just so and . . .

Alice: We know. 

Ana: Finally Christian spoke!  He said he was scared and sadfaced because he might have caused Leila’s mental breakdown.

Alice: No, really?  I thought ceiling hanging was the latest form of therapy.

Ana: Next I poked him in the chest and slobbered on all those scars crackwhore’s pimp left on his chest.

Alice: Three cheers for psychological torture.

Ana: And then he made his confession, what he thought would make me run away!  He said he liked to whip little brown-haired girls like me because we look like his crackwhore birth mom!

Aw, little Christian with his package

Alice: Yeah, that’s – that’s healthy right there.

Ana: I was so devastated.  We’re incompatible, because I can’t give him what he needs.  He needs to beat people, you know.

Alice: Right.  So the whole you look like his mom so he wants to hit you and have sex with you – that just kinda slipped on by you?

Ana: He told me he doesn’t need to beat me anymore.  I said I can’t believe I cured him that fast.

Alice: Me neither.

Ana: I told him this was so fucked up.  He’s afraid I might leave him again.  I wanted to know how I could convince him I wouldn’t leave.  And he – oh Alice – he proposed to me!

Alice: Just – what?  I do dirty painful sex with Mommy look-a-likes, hey, let’s get married?

Ana: Yes.  Oh, what to do, what to do?  I couldn’t decide, so I just rolled around and laughed at his proposal.

Alice: That’s . . . sensitive. 

Ana: I said it was strange timing and he said “Fair point well made.”  Why are you twitching, Alice?

Alice: I will hurt you if you say that again.  Keep going.

Ana: He ordered me to eat, and I was so comforted, because old Christian was coming back to me!

Alice: Yay.

Ana: The microwave binged which told us our food was warmed through.

Alice: Thank God you explained that.

Ana: He said Taylor was still out looking for me.

Alice: So he didn’t feel the need to, um, call him and tell him to stop?

See this Jello? Mmmm.
Just try to think of the Jello.

Ana: No.  I asked him what he did with Leila after I left him.  And he, oh, this is so agonizing!  He said he talked to her, and bathed her and dressed her in fresh clothes!

Alice: What an asshole.

Ana: I know!  He saw her naked, Alice.  Naked!  I was horrified!  That was so inappropriate.  I wanted to howl in pain and agony. I asked if he still had feelings for her.

Alice: Oh, good grief.

Ana: He said he cared for her, like one human to another, and it was like bathing a broken child.  Can you BELIEVE that?

Alice: No.  That actually sounds . . . decent of him.

Ana: Decent?  Did I mention he saw her without her clothes?  He saw her “down there” and I just can’t abide that.

Alice: Just, look you little twit.  The girl was totally broken, dirty, and scared.  He helped wash her and put some clothes on her.  He wasn’t turned on because she was a total basket case, which by the way, actually shows he is a freaking human being!  This is the kind of thing you want, you idiot!

Ana: But it just hurt, that he took care of someone besides me, me, me.  So I yelled at him, and I went to the bathroom and surrendered to huge, chest-wrenching sobs.

Alice: I hate you.  So much.

Ana: Oh, whatever am I going to do?

Alice: Right now you’re going away.  And I’m going back in for some Lime Jello. *

* Is it possible to hate a fictional character this much?  I’m going to ask the nice doctors. I just realized there’s still over a hundred pages left.  I am going to surrender to huge, chest-wrenching sobs – and then eat Jello.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Ana

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be doing these interviews.  Reading this moron’s memoirs is about to drive me up a ceiling as I put my pedal to the floor and misuse various other clichés.  She is so infuriating I have wanted to beat my Nook into the desk, and I’m only on chapter 2.  So anyway, let’s get to our next guest who is . . .

Oh hell. 

Ana Steele

 

Alice: Ana, thanks . . . so much . . . for joining us.

Ana: Is Christian here?

Alice: No

Ana: But he’s coming right?  Because I have needs.

Alice: Yeah, you realize he’s stalking you every second, right?

Ana:  Isn’t that romantic?

Alice: No.  I heard you and Christian got back together.  How is it going?

Ana: I’m so happy!  Christian took me to this restaurant that wasn’t good enough for him but it was really romantic to me because Ella Fitzgerald’s music was playing and I like her because I’m so academic yet quirky!  He was really snippy with the waiter, because he’s so calm and efficient and not at all a jerk and he ordered steak for me without giving me a choice but that’s okay because he is OMG so hot.

Where Christian took Ana.

Alice: So did you guys talk about anything remotely relevant to the plot?

Ana: Hmm, let me see.  What do you think inner goddess?

Alice: Who are you talking to?

Ana: I wasn’t talking to anyone.  Let’s see, first he yelled at me and called me a child and said not to make him jealous and then we laughed about the word “moot” cause it’s such a funny word.  It kind of sounds like “toot”, you know? 

Alice: Uh huh.

Ana: And I told him about my indescribable anguish I’d felt for like THREE DAYS and he said he was anguished too and that he behaved stupidly.

Alice: Whoa, he admitted he did something wrong?

Ana: Well, yes, but I behaved stupidly too!  I didn’t use the safe word when he was beating me!

Alice: . . . .

Ana: I felt so silly, because I’d just brought all this on myself!  So I apologized to him.

Alice: You apologized. . . . to . . . him?

Ana: Yes!  And he said we could have avoided all this suffering if I’d just been open with him and told him the safeword.  I had kinda thought maybe we could avoid the suffering if he didn’t hit me with a belt, but what do I know?  Shut up, subconscious.  Anyway, he told me he was “in perpetual night” without me!  Then he ordered me to eat before he had to spank me.  Oh, and I have a new nickname for him.  I call him Fifty.  You know, like how he’s fifty shades of fucked up?  Isn’t it cute?

Alice: I think you’re insane.

Ana: So then he had Taylor come pick us up and we got in his AUDI which is such a cool and awesome car and Christian starts up relationship talk but I’m like OMG like Taylor can hear us, you know?  And he says it’s all cool because he had Taylor wear an I-Pod.

Alice:  While he was driving?  That sounds dangerous.

Ana: Oh, he wasn’t listening to rap or anything, so it was fine.  Christian said, “Forget he’s here. I do.”  Isn’t he sweet?  Then we negotiated our relationship and I decided that I like kinky fuckery after all.  Yes, I told him, inner goddess, please put down your pom poms.  But then I said I didn’t like the canes and whips and how he gets his jollies beating the snot out of me because of crossing some arbitrary line.

Alice:  Good for you.  And what did he say?

Ana: Well he said the rules weren’t arbitrary because they were written down and I was like well I don’t want rules so he asked if it was alright to spank me and I figured hey that was pretty cool with the vaginal balls so I said okay.  And he was happy I was okay with pain after all.

Alice:  Wait . . . what?

Ana: For a while, I had no thoughts in my head at all.  It was like a computer crash!  Can you believe it?

Alice: Yes.

Ana: But then I thought about light and dark again and how I’m totally going to save him but I was worried about his needs, you know?  To hit people.  And he said he needed me more!  And then, oh Alice, he said the most romantical thing OF ALL.  He told me, “The thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.”

Alice: I wrote better poetry than that in the 5th grade.

Ana: No, no, he is a genius, and I told him he is so kind, and generous, and he’s never lied to me, and really I was the one who didn’t try hard and he said I was “exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, and beguilingly innocent”! 

Alice: You aren’t any of those things.

Ana:  And I told him I love him and all I want is to please him and then I got snuggly in his lap and he told me about his horrible childhood!  The crack whore – that’s his pet name for his birth mommy – had this pimp that used him as an ash tray, and then his mom killed herself and it took them four days to find them isn’t that awful!

Alice: He calls him mom “crack whore”?

Ana: Then I slept on him and when I woke up he was covered in drool.  And he told me that I was going to beg him for sex!  And I told him that my boss was taking me out for drinks, because hey, why not, right?  And he got kind of mad but then he kissed me and there was melting and a moan and he gave me a present which was all the stuff he gave me before PLUS an Ipad with music that said how he felt about me!

Christian’s playlist includes “I Like Big Butts” and other romantic melodies.

Alice: He gave you a mixed tape?  Seriously?

Ana: Yes, and let me tell you all about every app on the Ipad!

Alice: No.  Don’t.

Ana: Well, I’ll tell you about all the songs he put on there.

Alice: I don’t care.

Ana: Pooh. Well, once I listened to his love for me, I decided to email him!

Alice: Dear God, no.

Ana: Yes and we went back and forth and back and forth and he is so witty but not quite as witty as me!  And when we were done emailing he told me to dream of him and I snuggled up with the Charlie Tango balloon and I wondered if I should make a mixed tape for Christian too.

Alice: Wow.  Well I really don’t have any more questions for you.  Ever.

Ana: Just let me know!  I’ll be glad to gush about Christian any time you . . . oh oh he’s ringing the bell again and somehow everytime I hear it I just have to go!  Ta-ta!

Alice: WTF.