Chapter 17 begins with Christian’s massive peen and Ana’s butt.  I think there’s a metaphor for this book in there somewhere.  I hate this chapter, and I’ve only read three paragraphs.  Then there is sex and swaying hips and crap kill me now.  What’s really bad is that after scanning this chapter a couple times, I can’t figure out anyone else to interview except one of those idiots.  So I figured, kill them both with one stone. 

Christian + Ana = Twu Luv

Alice: Delighted to have you . . . shit, let’s get this over with.  So what happened?  Anything?  I don’t suppose a plot found its way in accidentally.

Christian: First, Ana and I made love.  She’s always wet.

Alice: I would recommend Pampers.  I hear they are the best at stopping leaks.

Christian: Next I ordered her to eat every bite of her granola.

Alice: Still not seeing how she’s not a preschooler.

Ana: But I have a car!  I’m grown up.

Alice: Does Christian let you drive it?

Ana: He did!  I put on “King of Pain” on the Ipod and said it was, like, Christian’s song.  Get it?

Alice: Please tell me you didn’t just insult Sting.  I feel rage.

Sting is not impressed.

Ana: I worried I might not have a job anymore! Marry the gazillionaire.  Subconscious, you rapacious bitch! (This is right from the book. No, really.)

Christian: Charming, isn’t she?

Alice: She’s fucking nuts.  Next.

Christian: I gave her strict instructions on how to drive.  You push that one pedal, and then that other pedal.  And I started to think we should have practiced more with the Big Wheel.

Ana: But I did it! 

Alice: So then you went to work.

Ana: First Christian and I talked about how we were afraid the other one might leave us and make us sadfaced.  And he wanted to know if I’d marry him again.

Alice: Sheesh, it’s been, what, two weeks since you met him?  What’s the hold up?

Ana: Oh, but guess what?  When I got to work, Jack’s boss told me she was giving me Jack’s job.  I’m, like, an editor.

Seriously, E.L.?

Alice: What?

Ana: And I got his big office too!  After only a week of work!

Alice: What?

Ana: So I called Christian and asked if he got me the job but he said no and I didn’t believe him and he got angryfaced that I didn’t believe him. 

Alice: What?

Ana: Then Ethan came by, they call him the blond god at work cause he is so hot, and he said I looked hot.

Alice: Wait, which one’s Ethan?

Ana: Kate’s brother.  And then Christian’s sister Mia showed up and I asked them to go out together cause I was busy being all businessy and I bet they are going to fall in love!

Alice: Uh huh.

Christian: Wait, he said you were hot?  Are you sleeping with him?

Ana: Christi-poo, don’t be silly!  I only let one man tie me up and beat me.

Alice: Just – weren’t you two supposed to meet with Dr. Flynn?

Ana: Yes.  But first, Christian sent me an email.

Why you do this to the kitty???

Christian: Alice, you’re supposed to put the corkscrew in the wine bottle, not your eye.

Alice: My mistake.  So then you went to see Dr. Flynn.

Ana: First I bought Christian a tiny little present but didn’t say what it was so that the reader would have to guess!  Then we went to Dr. Flynn’s office.

Alice: Finally.

Ana: The female receptionist saw Christian and started orgasming which was like, ew, cause she could be his mother and old women are so gross!

Alice: I hate you.

Ana: I was surprised that the charlatan’s office wasn’t like something out of Freud.  Because I like to stereotype the shit out of stuff.  And I told him about the NDA.  Dr. Flynn asked Christian about that and he was like, yeah, I do that with my relationships and Dr. Flynn was amused.

Alice: You realize his degree is an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Kid, right?

Christian: I highly respect Dr. Flynn.

Alice: There you go.

Christian: But then he had me leave the room.  I was madfaced.

Ana: Dr. Flynn noticed Christian intimidated me.  I said not as much as before.  And he said, like, he wasn’t surprised and then he asked if he could help me.

Alice: Just skipped right over the intimidating . . . whatever.  Next.

Ana: Dr. Flynn told me my, um, “down there” had done more for Christian than any silly therapy could!  And then he said a lot of big psychologyish words that I didn’t understand cause he is so smart and I’m like, not, and then he said he didn’t think Christian was a sadist cause that isn’t psychiatric term and he said that Christian just decided not to do BDSM anymore cause I didn’t want him to and I didn’t think it could be so simple.

BDSM cured by va-jay-jay? Totally possible.

Alice: Yeah, it can’t.

Ana: Dr. Flynn said “Why not?”  He has a British accent.  That makes him even more smarter.  And he said we shouldn’t beat our breasts, but I don’t, I let Christian do that.  Then he said Christian was emotionally an adolescent.

Alice: Finally we agree on something.

Ana: And I said I was not good enough cause I’m not quite as hot and Dr. Flynn said I was attractive and that he was so happy Christian was in love with me.

Alice: Totally appropriate.

Ana: Then Christian dragged me out of the office.  And we argued about driving.

Christian: Silly girl thought she could drive her own car.  Pfft.

Ana: We had a cute little spat and I pulled over dangerously, and then we fought some more and then he drove and asked me what I said to Flynn and I told him and he asked what else I said to Flynn and I told him that too and then I asked if he thought his subs were lovers and he said no and I was so surprised.

Alice: He’s said that literally dozens of times before, you moron.

Christian: And then we got to the special secret place I was taking Ana.  But it’s a surprise, you won’t find out till next time!

Alice: I hope it’s a lava pit and you guys fall in and become flaming balls of stupid.

Christian: I think we should invite Alice to the wedding, don’t you, Ana?*

*I’m not going and they can’t make me.  Not unless there’s a LOT of booze.