You are probably all wondering, “Hey, Alice, didn’t we just have these debates?” and I will answer “Yes, because this is groundhog year.” At least we have made progress in that . . . 0 candidates have dropped out, in spite of no one knowing or caring who most of these people are, and that includes, in the case of John Delaney, their own staff. Seriously, Delaney’s staff said, “Dude, drop out, you’re embarrassing us,” and Delaney was like “Naw, it’ll be fine.”
I will admit that I thought it was Bill Deblasio’s team who told him to drop out, but Thing One said it was Delaney, so yeah I couldn’t even remember which one’s team had less faith in them, but I’m gonna hazard a guess that most of their people are already tired of the free sucky campaign trail food and just want to go home, and this mess just started. I know I’m tired, and I’m not even campaigning. As far as I know.
I also goofed on the picture I posted with the last debate report by using a picture from the first debate part one instead of the first debate part two, but luckily no one else noticed that these were 10 different people either, or at least no one bothered to point it out to me. Which is why I have this little message for most of our contenders, and I will try to be gentle.
DROP OUT NOW, EVEN YOUR MOM WON’T VOTE FOR YOU, LOSER.
Okay, that out of the way, I should get to the actual debate. They mixed it up a little, putting Bernie in a different group so that he could smack someone besides Biden this time. Last night’s Jeopardy stage had Bernie “I have one volume” Sanders, Mayor Pete “Yes I’m over 18” Buttigieg, Elizabeth “Did I mention the free stuff?” Warren, Beto “Did you hear my Spanish?” O’Rourke, that self-help hippy lady, the dude whose people said drop out, and those other guys.
Since we don’t have regular cable, my Things and I struggled to find the actual live debate on Youtube, since it was littered with tons of before-game footage that no one watched of individual candidates, people talking about those candidates, and people talking about the people talking about the candidates. Our server also ran super slow from the mothers of the candidates watching the same debate cause someone had to do it. My friend Ravin sent me a wave of texts from the CNN live stream keeping me up to date while Thing Two, our computer expert, pressed buttons and shouted at Youtube. Ravin’s assessment below:
Sanders, Warren, Amy Klobachar, and bunch more white people.
Who let Marianne off the island, and why does a New Age self help guru have enough support to waste oxygen on the debate stage?
John Delaney – he’s bald but doesn’t make it look good like Booker does.
Tim Ryan: “It’s all bad.”
Hickeyloopery was unemployed for two years. So hire him for President!
Amy: I am from the Midwest!
Beto, my favorite Texas politician. He might make a good VP.
The gay mayor: Just skip Gen X and vote for a Millennial! I’m also from the Midwest and cooler than that Amy person.
Warren just said “spinelessness.”
Bernie: I know the statistics. I will punch Trump.
Please, take my employer health care!
And Warren interrupted. Congrats, first one!
Warren: Stop using Republican talking points. Here is a sad anecdote.
Amy the Streetfighter from the Iron Range.
Tim Ryan: If we set a progressive platform, the Republicans will call us socialists. If we set a moderate platform and use Republican talking points, they will call us socialists.
…Wait – that was Butiggieg.
Tim: You don’t know that Bernie.
Bernie: I do know, I wrote the damn bill!
“Thank you” from the moderator means “Shut up now.” Someone hit Amy with a clue stick!
Warren: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Boring Bald Guy: Boring is sensible. Boring is realistic. Boring can be big.
Moderator: Boring Amy, I dare you to piss off all your peers.
Boring Amy: No thank you.
Boring Bald Guy: Carbon capture.
Props to Beto for setting foot in Tucumcari.
Mayor Pete: Nominate me and Trump will look like a total jackass on the podium next to me at the debates.
Marianne: Uses the term “dark psychic energy” and still sounds like a better choice than Trump. Also adds, “40 acres and a mule for every freed slave is trillions of dollars in today’s dollars.”
Boring not bald guy: I can take a whole minute to say “Maybe.”
Gay Mayor: Quotes Bible to shame Christian conservatives in the Senate for blocking the raise in minimum wage.
Uncool Amy: Screw English majors. (I paraphrase)
News flash Elizabeth Warren: We already were the first country to use a nuclear weapon.
Ravin’s overall opinion: I officially like Pete Buttigieg best of tonight’s crowd. I think he will make it to the next level in the Game of Delegates along with Warren and Sanders. The others are doomed. Also, you should reprise your Hunger Games: Presidential Debate Edition on the blog.
Last election, I didn’t do Hunger Games, that was another thing with the Disney princess dolls – keep up, Ravin. I did have Queen Elsa run against Hans last time with a lot of the campaign done via fake Facebook chat, which seemed silly at the time but in hindsight was some sort of premonition about our first President Twitter. I don’t think I could get anymore ridiculous than what’s actually happening, but I’m certainly willing to give it the old English major try (thanks, Amy!)
Anyhoo, I liked Ravin’s summary enough to steal it and use it as my own post, but unlike Melania, I did give credit. Granted, most people could have come up with my pal’s overall assessment without the debate, but some people (cough 90 percent of the candidates) really, really need an intervention with the American public and a stun gun. Thanks to all these guys clogging the debate, whenever a candidate started to make sense, suggest an actual policy, or try to finish a sentence, the moderator told them to shut up by saying “Thank you!” Because our possible Future Leader of the Free World should be given as much time as Ms. America to solve world peace.
Stay tuned tonight for part two of part two and yeah we need to get this down to ten people AT MINIMUM cause I’m confusing myself. Tonight’s debate will feature front runner and Crest toothpaste sponsor Joe “No more Mr.
Sadface Nice Guy What Do You Mean I’m with Kamala again?” Biden, Kamala “Take a bite outta Joe” Harris, the Hispanic guy, the black bald guy, the Asian guy with the oopsie broken mike, those other two women, and the other old white guys. I’d have said more, but CNN only offered me their faces, and like I can remember that many names.
Seriously, how many of them can you name? A free sparkle pony to whoever can get five or more! Stay tuned!
Yippee Ki-yay, it’s time for round two of the Democratic debate. Now last time Trump dared to tweet that the debate was boring, which is just unreal cause Democrats are super exciting! Watch as Trump commits horrible, treasonous acts and the Democrats do . . . absolutely nothing about it! Granted compared to the Republicans whose main tasks lately have been keeping Trump from going through with these acts by regulating his schedule like a toddler’s, taking papers from his desk without him noticing, and praising him for righting what he just screwed up, I guess they are rather dull.
But the second debate was different! We got another ten candidates on the Jeopardy stage, but this time they included a couple of people that some Americans probably knew about like Bernie “Wild Hands” Sanders and “Sleepy Joe” Biden. Also there were a few women and more white guys.
Now for the line-up.
Sen. Berrrrrrrnieeee Saaaanders! (crowd of crazed Bernie fans cheer!)
Joooooe Biiiiden! (He was our Vice President for eight years. No, really.)
Mayor Peeeeete Buttigiegggg! (The overqualified gay guy with unpronounceable name!)
Sen. Kaaamalaaaa Harris! (A women and Indian and Black! Democratic jackpot!)
Former Gov. Jooooohhhhn Hickenlooper! (I didn’t make up that name!)
Sen. Kirrrrsten Gillibraaaand! (Some blond chick!)
Sen. Miiiichael Beeennnett! (One of those guys on the postage stamp I assume!)
Rep. Errrrric Swaaaalwell! (Was probably there too!)
Aaaandrewww Laaang! (Spoke one entire time I think!) and finally . . .
Maaariaaanne Wiiiiiillliamsoooon! (Self-help author you’ve never heard of! Really!)
It goes without saying that I had to look most of these people up and then count twice to make sure I didn’t miss one of them. Anyhoo, good old Joe Biden came in as the front runner, complete with a “Kick Me” sign on his back. Bernie Sanders stood beside him, wildly swinging his hands and avoiding spit and a possible shank from Kamala Harris as she and Biden battled it out. At first Biden came in swinging, wisely denying he ever did anything wrong EVER even when presented with a golden opportunity for redemption (I can see why he’s our frontrunner!), but after a while he just hung his head in resignation for the rest of the Democrat dogpile.
Here’s a quick play-by-play for our viewing audience!
Moderator: I can’t believe I drew the short straw AGAIN! Okay, you’ll all get 60 seconds to explain how you will solve every world problem ever! First we’ll talk about . . .
Swalwell: Can I talk?
Moderator: Wait, who are you again?
Swalwell: I’m Eric, gawd! Okay, Biden is SO OLD, so he needs to hand off the torch to young guys! Like me! I look about ten years younger!
Biden: Oh, you can take that torch off my dead body! (grins blindingly)
Swalwell: So what, in a few months?
Kamala Harris: Let’s not have a food fight here! At least not until I get to take a few bites out of Biden!
Moderator: Let’s talk racism! Hola, Pete, donde esta el bano?
Pete B.: Hablo Espanol y seis otra languages! El suck it!
Harris: Pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about race seeing as how I’m the only black person.
Moderator: Yikes. Remember to not keep it to 60 seconds!
Harris: Hey, Joe, wtf with not being okay with busing for desegregation back in the 70’s. Btw, I was one of the kids on the bus, dufus, so here’s your chance on a golden platter to admit a mistake.
Biden: I did not say no to busing, I said no to something having to do with someone else saying no to busing, so it wasn’t me, it was that other guy in this other position that wasn’t mine so I am totally right and you’re wrong.
Harris: WTF, no, you were like so obviously wrong . . .
Biden: Was not!
Harris: Yes you were I have all these facts . . .
Biden: I can’t heeeeaaar you!
Harris: I’m gonna climb over Bernie and put my fist in your . . .
Moderator: Moving on . . . let’s get a new topic . . .
Kirsten Gillibrand: I can talk on any topic and I will, cause I know a lot of stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it. I have, like, so many experiences, and you just don’t even know what I’ve gone through being an attractive white woman . . .
Harris: Bitch, please.
Moderator: How are you guys going to get your policies past Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell?
Biden: I’m planning on taking him out behind the shed.
Moderator: Works for me! What’s the first thing you’ll accomplish?
Sanders: (waves hands wildly, smacking Biden on the shoulder – this happened) I – will – create – an American – revolution! I – right here – will guarantee each and – every – rutabaga – a free education! I – will – give healthcare! I will call on the many faced God to – destroy our enemies!
Moderator: Bernie, are you high?
Sanders: Every – man – and woman – should have a chance to smoke weed – or do mushrooms – as a human right!
Moderator: Okey dokey. How will you all stop gun violence in 60 seconds?
Swalwell: Everyone can keep their guns! Except the bad guys! Wait, am I a Republican?
Moderator: I still have no idea who you are. I’m going to have to turn off your mike like I did Yang’s.
Yang: (whisper whisper whisper) Hey no fair . . .
Marianne Williamson: On my authority as a self-help author, I say we need to use the power of LOVE and crystals and possibly acupuncture.
Harris: Why is she even here?
Moderator: She slipped past security. John Hickenlooper, what’s with your name?
Hickenlooper: I am part looper and part hick, and proud. At least you can pronounce it, I mean we gonna call the gay guy President Pete?
Buttigieg: It beats President Hickenpooper.
Moderator: Let’s talk religion. Gay guy, what do you think of Republicans always spouting religion? Not asking you in particular for any specific reason of course.
Buttigieg: Pretty sure Jesus cared more about feeding poor people than condemning gays, but he only mentions the poor in the Bible about 50 million times, so what do I know?
Moderator: How about the border? Since you all love Spanish, I’m assuming you’re all for decriminalizing illegal border crossings?
(all raise their hands except Micheal Bennet)
Michael Bennet: Wait, did I miss something?
Moderator: Just the debate. Everyone may now proceed to leap onto Biden and rip him to pieces.
(all do so until Biden looks very, very sadfaced)
Moderator: Darn the luck, looks like this debate is over! (look of relief from Biden) Everyone go home and please rethink your life choices.
So there you are, that’s just how it happened, or how I remember it anyway, which is good enough since most of these people will disappear back into the ether by the next round, God help us all.
Your raving reporter Alice again signing off, adios!
We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two
vampires people torn apart by POLITICS. Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes? Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.
GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.
“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com
Voting for: Bernie Sanders
Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach
More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is
Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???
*insert hawt picture*
Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.
It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn
Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.
Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!
“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”
“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??
“Well, are we ready?” he asked.
Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England. “Yep! All ready!!”
They set off on their journey to the cafe.
“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.
Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….
Kennedy was there!!!!
The suspense is killing you, I’m sure. We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds. Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing. Here it is.
*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*
I have pretty amazing kids.
Congrats to all of you. Thing Two, my eleven-year-old, is a young writer. She aspired to write as well as Stephenie Meyer, and did so back in first grade. Still, she decided to write a love story about a Democrat and a Republican in Twilight fashion. I found it quite promising, and have only (I swear) edited it for grammar and spelling. Well I edited it as much as Stephenie would. Enjoy.
The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story
This is the story of the Democrat and the Republican, which is a way better story than Twilight…..like totes…. just ask SM.
Diz iz the bestz stoiy ever bout ROMANCEEEEEEEEEEEE
See!!! Even famous writers like it. So…. let’s get that out of the way…first we have to tell the story…DUH!!!!! (great intro right!!!???)
Kennedy stared at her…her beauty could send one to the moon. Her eyes were as sparkling as global warming. His heart played a saxophone to the tune of her blinks.
“Hey…. you ready for our date??”
Ken snapped out of his fantasy from the feelings he had once she met him.
“Okay now since you have snapped out of it I’ll discuss the plans, first… we need to catch the taxi…but the driver has to be American!!!” Wondering why she was so specific about the driver’s race he called the taxi with her.
“This is so romantic!” she said with a sweet stare. The date was almost done…he had passed through all the questions..but he had a feeling one was approaching.
“Hey….” here it comes he thought, the question…he armed himself with excuses. “Are you Republican or Democrat???”
“Democrat.” he said.
She dropped her drink as her mascara dribbled down her cheek. “I’MMM……A REPUBLICAN.” she said “WEEEE CAN’T BE TOGETHER!!!!”
His heart failed…and he fainted.
Ken woke up to a voice stronger than silver. “I’m sorry…”
He tried to gain his memory. “I’m sorry too…. Marsha.”
“It’s my fault my uncle is Trump.”
Ken understood…since Uncle Bernie wanted him to only date Democrats.
“I guess this is it.” Ken realized this was most likely the last time he was to see her.
“Well bye … I guess.” Marsha walked away with mascara dripping down her shirt…Ken yelled after her …. but she only cried and ran farther.
Ken started to see the clues come together…she only wanted a American around her…in fact right once they had their first date she asked him if he was American, he thought as a bird landed on his shoulder.
“I need a new girlfriend,” he mumbled.
What will happen next? Will Ken and Marsha see past their political stereotypes and have a love as shallow as Bella and Edward in Twilight? Who knows, she hasn’t written it yet. Stay tuned.
|Eenie, Meenie, Minie . . .|
|You have to wonder just what’s
in that coke they’re drinking
|Maslow’s hierachy applied to the Internet|
|Notice the Christmas sock tree doesn’t have a single matching pair.
Damn you, Christms sock tree!